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AIBU?

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Original poster

Meeting ow in a group setting

355 replies

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 18:45

Hi, lurker here. My DH had an affair with a work colleague. I found out once it was over, but they continue to work together. They have zero contact apart from work matters that can't be avoided.I found out a few months ago and we are slowly building our marriage back up, which has been hard work. There will be a work event next week and I will be going with DH. OW will be there. AIBU to say something to her or make a sly comment. Or am I best to ignore completely. Please don't comment saying she owes me nothing and be angry at my husband. I know he was in the wrong, but so was she as she knew about me and my children. She knows I know about her.

OP posts:
Oxpeckercarnival · 04/05/2025 20:38

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 04/05/2025 20:10

Again. No. This kind of spiteful comment is really hurtful to someone already feeling like a piece of shit, through absolutely no fault of her own. Can you really not see that? Would you say this to a friend of yours in person? The husband and the ow are pathetic. Op has done nothing wrong, she isn’t hurting anyone else. Maybe herself, but she alone gets to decide that.

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Agreed. Can't understand why there are so many vindictive people giving the OP a hard time.Her options are stay with a cheat or tear her and her childrens lives apart and it's not an easy position to be in. If I was in her husbands workplace I wouldn't be judging her.

DontGoChasinWaterfalls · 04/05/2025 20:38

As much as you want to. Have some class and show her you're the better person. I'm sure you won't be able to resist giving her daggers but don't embarrass yourself for the sake of retribution.

Beeloux · 04/05/2025 20:37

Make sure you are well dressed and done up. Completely ignore her. If your eyes lock, then give her a nice warm smile.

I think OW are just as bad as the cheaters and would feel the same as you OP. Yes the cheater can lie but there is a lot of OW who know about the wife and don’t care.

However they do often get their karma. The OW in my previous relationship thought she got one over on me but instead she got fat, sacked from work and deported. 😏

Overhaul54 · 04/05/2025 20:36

harriethoyle · 04/05/2025 18:53

Seriously, WHY is your anger towards her and not your husband? Giving him a free pass but wanting to bitch at her, who owes you no loyalty. Get your priorities straight. If you’ve chosen to stay with him because you’ve moved on, you need to actually move on. You’ll look like a maniac if you try and make sly comments to her and you really will not get the satisfaction out of it you’re anticipating.

She is angry at her DH. But the difference is he also loses something if they divorce ( and he didn’t see a long term relationship with the OW. His fuck up and he lives with the consequences.

The OW made a bad calculated decision that had no risk for her. She’s no worse off because he wasn’t hers to start with. It’s just a nasty thing to do given she knows about Op and the kids.

Evilspiritgin · 04/05/2025 20:33

There’s obviously some bits on the side here tonight judging by the downright horrendous responses to a woman who’s only found out about this in the last few months.

i I wouldn’t tell a friend to leave if her dh had had an affair, someone else’s marriage is none of my business, I would try help build her up so that if she wants to leave or not I would still be a friend and be there if needed

EilishMcCandlish · 04/05/2025 20:33

OW lie to themselves as much as betraying husbands do. They don't ask difficult questions because they don't want to hear the answers.

HunnyPot · 04/05/2025 20:31

I’d rip her to shreds.

TweetingHurricane · 04/05/2025 20:30

I’m surprised he wants to take you, how awkward

surreygirl1987 · 04/05/2025 20:27

Jellystar · 04/05/2025 19:18

Thanks to everyone who has been supportive. I do think women who engage with married men particularly those with children should be held accountable and don't agree with the "she owes you nothing" crap. Human decency and consideration is important and something OW clearly lacks.
I'm not here to defend my decision to work on my marriage/family. I am allowed to want to work things through and also feel anger at the involved party, that doesn't diminish DH's role or the fact that he was the main problem.

Oh jeez. You have no idea what he told her about you. Some men tell their affair partners that their wife has been cheating on him, that it's over in everyway apart from legally, that the wife is abusive... whatever. I really do think your anger at the OW is misplaced. I've been the OW before (not getting in the way of a marriage, but a relationship), and my 'boyfriend' told me that he'd broken up with her agea ago and that she was basically stalking him and he was worried about her mental health too much to call the police on her! Turns out not to be true at all - he was sleeping with us both. Men can be very convincing when they want a bit on the side and will say whatever it takes to keep the lie going. Your husband is the only one who you can be certain behaved completely immorality and disrespectfully towards you.

Anyway, I agree with the other posters. Say and do nothing, except look fabulous and radiate confidence, poise and happiness. Get your hair and nails done, wear an outfit you feel great in, and hold your head up high.

AndOnAndOn1000 · 04/05/2025 20:26

I wrongly voted YANBU

I think it would be far more powerful to ignore her and not say anything at all, and if you were to find yourself in the same vicinity as her, I would simply look straight through her as if she wasn't there.

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 04/05/2025 20:26

adviceneeded1990 · 04/05/2025 20:19

I think lots of women would 100% tell a friend/relative not to embarrass themselves by staying with a cheating wanker in real life.

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By telling her she’s “pathetic”? When she’s already having a fucking awful time? No, anyone who says that isn’t a friend.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 04/05/2025 20:25

Helpmeplease2025 · 04/05/2025 20:20

If you have to ask someone who had an affair to do this, it’s a massive waste of time. He’s not even trying, when he should be grovelling like his life depends on it.

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Is he at least trying to look for another job, OP?

Itisjustmyopinion · 04/05/2025 20:24

Why would you even go to a work function of the man that cheated on you and where it’s highly likely that a lot of people there knew what happened and will be whispering about it, waiting for an interaction between you and the OW

Have some dignity and let him go on his own. If it was me I would be having more dignity and walking away from him completely, but that’s obviously not your choice

MNpenisadvisor · 04/05/2025 20:22

This reply has been deleted

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Helpmeplease2025 · 04/05/2025 20:20

WizardOfAus · 04/05/2025 20:19

Why is he still working there?!?!? He needs to resign for the benefit of your mental health.

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If you have to ask someone who had an affair to do this, it’s a massive waste of time. He’s not even trying, when he should be grovelling like his life depends on it.

WizardOfAus · 04/05/2025 20:19

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 04/05/2025 20:11

Exactly.

Him quitting his job should’ve been the FIRST condition of getting to stay with you.

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Why is he still working there?!?!? He needs to resign for the benefit of your mental health.

nutbrownhare15 · 04/05/2025 20:19

She wasn't married with kids I presume. While he was. I would just give her a really big smile so she knows you know but are rising above it

adviceneeded1990 · 04/05/2025 20:19

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 04/05/2025 20:10

Again. No. This kind of spiteful comment is really hurtful to someone already feeling like a piece of shit, through absolutely no fault of her own. Can you really not see that? Would you say this to a friend of yours in person? The husband and the ow are pathetic. Op has done nothing wrong, she isn’t hurting anyone else. Maybe herself, but she alone gets to decide that.

Show quote history

I think lots of women would 100% tell a friend/relative not to embarrass themselves by staying with a cheating wanker in real life.

ThatCyanCat · 04/05/2025 20:19

What outcome would you want, and what outcome do you think is most likely?

Iceandfire92 · 04/05/2025 20:18

Why on earth would you go if she is coming? Were you hoping to make a grand entrance, strutting in arm in arm as a united front? All of your DH's work colleagues seeing you as the "woman who won"? You will make a royal fool of yourself if you make a comment to the other woman, his work event isn't an episode of MAFS. Tbh, I think you should stay at home if others know about the affair, you will look like the idiot for taking him back.

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 04/05/2025 20:17

I wouldn’t say anything, but my face would say “really? He risked happiness and created all that drama for YOU” and look at her like she was a piece of shit on a shoe.

12345mummy · 04/05/2025 20:17

Agree with ignore. Rise above her, he is your husband, you are working on things and it is none of her business. I wouldn’t even acknowledge her, but then be a socialite with everyone else! Good luck with everything OP

Whatwouldnanado · 04/05/2025 20:16

You have the upper hand here. Is he wanting you to go to get across to her and the gossips that she’s in the past and everything’s rosy between you? Talk to him about how you feel and if you want to go do so strictly on your terms. Do you have any genuine friends among the group who will be there? If so you both stick with them. You pay for a blow dry from the joint account to look understatedly stunning, and have husband glued to your side being attentive and both completely ignoring ex OW.

Why, if he wants to really make a go of it with you again, is he still working there?

feelingalittlehorse · 04/05/2025 20:14

Does he absolutely need to go? As in, his job depends on it?
I actually think neither of you going is the best course of action here.

Gemstonebeach · 04/05/2025 20:13

how many people in the workplace know about the affair? It might be more difficult for you to attend than you expect if you realise once there that most people are aware of the situation. It could be best for both you and your husband to sit this event out while everything is so fresh.