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AIBU?

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To have asked BIL and SIL not to come this evening

87 replies

tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:03

SIL text me this morning saying they wanted to come over today. I said, sure. Yes, I should have asked for when they were planning to come, but didn’t.

I did tell everyone in the family not to come after 5 pm anymore if possible, especially on a school night, as the kids get really wound up and it’s then hard to get them to sleep. They’re 3 and 5.

anyways, I’ve had the worst day. Just feeling so stressed out by the mountains of laundry to do/ the mess in the house and just general life. I know it’s hard for everyone, but lately it’s all getting on top of me. I feel like my husband also doesn’t really look out for me and is absent quite a bit. I hit a wall today and had a major crying breakdown.

it was not a good day and knowing relatives are going to pop in, makes it worse on days like this because then I’m constantly tidying and cleaning. I hate having people over when it’s a mess and MIL also asks when it’s not completely perfect whether I don’t have my cleaners anymore ? Which fucks me off. My kids go from mess to mess, taking toys out, clothes, shoes, drinks. They trash the place - literally. If you’re not behind them, telling them to clean up, they don’t. I was putting away a lot of laundry into cupboards and ironing while my husband was downstairs with them and they were also coming upstairs just wrecking the place entirely.

the point I’m making is that I usually stay on top of them, but I had a lot of housework to do and so I didn’t. Neither did my husband and the house was wrecked. It was perfect this morning.

so when it got to 5:30 pm I told BIL and SIL to not come tonight as we want to start winding the kids down and we also need a bit of an evening without them.

BIL and SIL don’t have kids and they don’t even begin to try to show any kind of understanding of stuff like this and I find it really really frustrating. We see them a fair bit and they just find stuff funny and never have even a half decent/ kind / sympathetic word to say to us. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s starting to wind me the fuck up. I get the impression they think they’d handle everything much better than we can tbh. And no, I don’t always complain about how hard things are- but anytime I ever have mentioned something being difficult / less than ideal I’m always met with smirking / laughing / being brushed off.

MIL is the same and says I just need to be more organised- when my own mother mentioned that I have a lot on my plate because of work, small kids and a pretty absent husband ( because of his work ). MIL says all mums do it, it’s nothing she didn’t do and I need to be more organised. I get the impression that’s what they all think. That I’m just a bit pathetic and that they’d all do it so much better.

OP posts:
ByPinkGuide · 04/05/2025 18:24

People without children are always perfect parents op. Wait till they have kids and you can look smug when you drop off the mini drum Kit at 8pm.

Octavia64 · 04/05/2025 18:23

Yeah I wouldn’t want them after 5pm. Get in there first though - every time they text text back and say what time and remind them not after 5pm.

people who don’t have kids don’t necessarily understand.

Carpetty · 04/05/2025 18:23

Perfectly reasonable.
No way would I be arsed hsving visitors after 5pm.
Certainly not people who are suiting themselves.
You sound a bit burnt out.

Bag up toys and put them away.

Stop doing food and laundry for your husband who isn't sharing the load.
Stop tolerating visitors you aren't arsed about who aren't considerate.

Stop ferling bad about telling them, nope doesn't suit.

Start looking after yourself, as clearly no one else is.

As for them smirking, how nasty.
Tell your husband he can be on duty for their visits as you will be taking time out.
Twats.

ByPinkGuide · 04/05/2025 18:22

BoyDoIMissSecrets · 04/05/2025 18:14

People don’t care if your house is spick & span, they want to see you/the kids.
Can the kids not stay up a bit later as it’s bank holiday?
I say this kindly, but life will pass you by in a blink and the people important to you won’t have been able to spend as much time with your family as they would have liked.
5pm is a really early cut off.

People that ignore basic rules on timing and smirk and laugh at you and make you feel pathetic are NOT important.

Even your phrasing that the people who want to see her family won't feel they get enough time is odd. As though that's all that's relevant. What other people want of her children despite showing no willingness themselves to fit in.

5 pm is also not early when most young children will be winding down to bedtime. Arriving at 5 is not leaving at 5.

feelingrobbed · 04/05/2025 18:20

I wouldn’t want anyone coming over after 5pm and I only have one child. That’s wind down time in our house

tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:19

Yeah 5 isn’t technically late, it’s the repercussions it has on bed time. As I know they won’t leave until after 8 pm, if we are lucky. Then bed time takes forever as the kids are all wound up.

OP posts:
YesHonestly · 04/05/2025 18:19

tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:18

If I hadn’t had a hard day, I wouldn’t have asked them not to come. I just need to crawl into bed at 8 pm tonight and have a bit of self care time. I’m falling apart.

if they come at 5:30- they’ll stay until 8 pm at the earliest and then I’ll need to try and wrangle two excited and over tired kids into bed, on my own. It would probably mean they won’t be asleep until closer to 10 pm. And while that doesn’t matter as it’s a bank holiday, it does matter to me.

I am also solo parenting tomorrow as my husband is working.

Agree with you OP, it’s too late to visit when the kids are so young and need more settling than usual when they leave.

You’re allowed to say no if something doesn’t work for you. I hope you have a relaxing evening!

tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:18

BoyDoIMissSecrets · 04/05/2025 18:14

People don’t care if your house is spick & span, they want to see you/the kids.
Can the kids not stay up a bit later as it’s bank holiday?
I say this kindly, but life will pass you by in a blink and the people important to you won’t have been able to spend as much time with your family as they would have liked.
5pm is a really early cut off.

If I hadn’t had a hard day, I wouldn’t have asked them not to come. I just need to crawl into bed at 8 pm tonight and have a bit of self care time. I’m falling apart.

if they come at 5:30- they’ll stay until 8 pm at the earliest and then I’ll need to try and wrangle two excited and over tired kids into bed, on my own. It would probably mean they won’t be asleep until closer to 10 pm. And while that doesn’t matter as it’s a bank holiday, it does matter to me.

I am also solo parenting tomorrow as my husband is working.

OP posts:
Luluissleeping · 04/05/2025 18:17

You sound like you have a lot on your plate. No one who smirks or laughs at me would get over my threshold so fuck that. SIL etc will laugh on the other side of their faces if they have children. When family tell you to get more organised, ask them for examples. Don't beat yourself up. This phase will pass as the dc get older.

FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 04/05/2025 18:17

BoyDoIMissSecrets · 04/05/2025 18:14

People don’t care if your house is spick & span, they want to see you/the kids.
Can the kids not stay up a bit later as it’s bank holiday?
I say this kindly, but life will pass you by in a blink and the people important to you won’t have been able to spend as much time with your family as they would have liked.
5pm is a really early cut off.

5pm wouldn’t be early for my kids at that age. Visitors after that would have given them a second wind and I’d be lucky to get them to bed before 11/12. They be up at the crack of dawn as usual and then fucking Norris all day with tiredness. I think OP knows her kids best 🙄

FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 04/05/2025 18:15

YANBU. Honestly OP if they are not supportive or kind just reduce contact with them. They sound like dicks. Does your DH maintain contact with them or is it left to you?
It sounds like he needs to step up to support you.
at 3 and 5youre in the thick of it. It does get better 💐

BoyDoIMissSecrets · 04/05/2025 18:14

People don’t care if your house is spick & span, they want to see you/the kids.
Can the kids not stay up a bit later as it’s bank holiday?
I say this kindly, but life will pass you by in a blink and the people important to you won’t have been able to spend as much time with your family as they would have liked.
5pm is a really early cut off.

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