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Original poster

To have asked BIL and SIL not to come this evening

87 replies

tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:03

SIL text me this morning saying they wanted to come over today. I said, sure. Yes, I should have asked for when they were planning to come, but didn’t.

I did tell everyone in the family not to come after 5 pm anymore if possible, especially on a school night, as the kids get really wound up and it’s then hard to get them to sleep. They’re 3 and 5.

anyways, I’ve had the worst day. Just feeling so stressed out by the mountains of laundry to do/ the mess in the house and just general life. I know it’s hard for everyone, but lately it’s all getting on top of me. I feel like my husband also doesn’t really look out for me and is absent quite a bit. I hit a wall today and had a major crying breakdown.

it was not a good day and knowing relatives are going to pop in, makes it worse on days like this because then I’m constantly tidying and cleaning. I hate having people over when it’s a mess and MIL also asks when it’s not completely perfect whether I don’t have my cleaners anymore ? Which fucks me off. My kids go from mess to mess, taking toys out, clothes, shoes, drinks. They trash the place - literally. If you’re not behind them, telling them to clean up, they don’t. I was putting away a lot of laundry into cupboards and ironing while my husband was downstairs with them and they were also coming upstairs just wrecking the place entirely.

the point I’m making is that I usually stay on top of them, but I had a lot of housework to do and so I didn’t. Neither did my husband and the house was wrecked. It was perfect this morning.

so when it got to 5:30 pm I told BIL and SIL to not come tonight as we want to start winding the kids down and we also need a bit of an evening without them.

BIL and SIL don’t have kids and they don’t even begin to try to show any kind of understanding of stuff like this and I find it really really frustrating. We see them a fair bit and they just find stuff funny and never have even a half decent/ kind / sympathetic word to say to us. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s starting to wind me the fuck up. I get the impression they think they’d handle everything much better than we can tbh. And no, I don’t always complain about how hard things are- but anytime I ever have mentioned something being difficult / less than ideal I’m always met with smirking / laughing / being brushed off.

MIL is the same and says I just need to be more organised- when my own mother mentioned that I have a lot on my plate because of work, small kids and a pretty absent husband ( because of his work ). MIL says all mums do it, it’s nothing she didn’t do and I need to be more organised. I get the impression that’s what they all think. That I’m just a bit pathetic and that they’d all do it so much better.

OP posts:
Original poster
tuhave · 04/05/2025 19:06

All my in laws have this habit of turning up at 5 or 6.

a few months ago I was alone with the kids all weekend and they all knew it and they wanted to come at 6 pm on a Sunday night and I was like - no. I was so exhausted and lonely all weekend with the kids and I did ask them to spend the afternoon with us / come for lunch. But they had the cheek to ignore my wishes and want to come at 6 pm ! Outrageously insensitive.

I’ve said no quite a few times now and even sent a message saying, please not after 5. I’m happy for them to still be here after 5 btw. But don’t arrive at 5. I’m much more flexible at the weekend, but still. Today just wasn’t a good day and they would have seen me feeling quite down and I always feel worse when I see them when I’m not feeling well. As they have no understanding and just make me feel worse, I don’t like them to see me when I’m not at my best.

i wasn’t always like that but after a while of being authentic with people and them always shooting you down and making you feel pathetic, you do then have your guard up and don’t want them to see you vulnerable.

OP posts:
JaneyDC · 04/05/2025 19:03

Missey85 · 04/05/2025 18:52

And a lot of parents act like there magical unicorns or something because they popped out a kid your not! You don't automatically know it all either 😊

Show quote history

Your reply makes you sound foolish and bitter.

I'd say most people are perfect parents until they actually (if they) have kids and see it's tougher than it looks!

OP, I'd stop doing the lion's share of the laundry for a start. I have a rule in my house: if you want it washed, put it in the basket. Anything left on the floor is left. Also, as a past poster advised, def reduce the amount of toys. I rotate and keep some in storage. Less to tidy away and the kids are more likely to play with them for longer as they forget about them!
Your DH and in laws sound horrible. Take some time for yourself. Duck em.

JLou08 · 04/05/2025 18:58

YANBU. I hate visitors between 5-7. It is making tea, clean up, bath, bed time routine. I've no time to entertain anyone and I am usually exhausted once DC is in bed. What's with asking in the morning and coming so late too? That would also wind me up, I wouldn't want to be spending the whole day in the house waiting for them to turn up.

ByPinkGuide · 04/05/2025 18:56

Also, wouldn't it be awesome if they did just pop out!

ByPinkGuide · 04/05/2025 18:55

tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:53

we may not be magical unicorns or special in any way, but we understand a hell of a lot more about what it’s like to be a parent, than someone who’s not a parent.

Who knew it needed to be said?😂

ByPinkGuide · 04/05/2025 18:53

Missey85 · 04/05/2025 18:52

And a lot of parents act like there magical unicorns or something because they popped out a kid your not! You don't automatically know it all either 😊

Show quote history

You ok hun?

Original poster
tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:53

we may not be magical unicorns or special in any way, but we understand a hell of a lot more about what it’s like to be a parent, than someone who’s not a parent.

OP posts:
Missey85 · 04/05/2025 18:52

ByPinkGuide · 04/05/2025 18:24

People without children are always perfect parents op. Wait till they have kids and you can look smug when you drop off the mini drum Kit at 8pm.

And a lot of parents act like there magical unicorns or something because they popped out a kid your not! You don't automatically know it all either 😊

FrenchandSaunders · 04/05/2025 18:49

Your DH needs to do more when he’s there. It’s not on to just sit there whilst the kids run amok.

It’s hard having small children and I hope I remember that clearly when my kids have their own.

I do remember being pissed off at people over staying into the evening and my kids not sleeping.

Anxioustealady · 04/05/2025 18:48

Don't let them feel like you need to have a house like a show home. You have 2 young children and you work, it's not going to happen, and it's not a fair expectation.

You only need to keep the house as tidy as you want it. It sounds like even if it was perfect they'd pick at something else (suddenly women with spotless houses don't spend enough time with their children etc) so drop that rope.

If you let go of that target, hopefully their comments will not bother you as much. Your value is not related to how clean your house is.

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 04/05/2025 18:48

tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:46

They just never say anything nice or supportive.

then wind them up, it's so much better for your mental health than feeling upset about it.

Laugh at women who have so little in their life they are house-proud, have so little to do they can only think about house clean. Just go heavy.
Give them something to judge 😂

Don't play their game, it's not worth your time. You don't have to care about in-laws.

Original poster
tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:46

They just never say anything nice or supportive.

OP posts:
YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 04/05/2025 18:46

why else would MIL ask me if I still have my cleaners when it’s less than perfect on the odd occasion?
I think they do judge.

They might.

Up to you if you care or not. I am not defined by my ability to dust or hoover frankly, so I wouldn't care. I have better things to do than care about housework. I specifically do not do any chores at the weekend, life is too short.
And my house is always visitor-ready anyway, at least for my standards, it's clean and tidy, no -one has to come and stay!

Original poster
tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:45

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 04/05/2025 18:43

They trash the place - literally. If you’re not behind them, telling them to clean up, they don’t.

they are 3 and 5... of course they don't. I mean you are not doing anything wrong, they are just little!

Yeah you just have to be on top of them, but I was busy today putting baskets and baskets of laundry away and folding. It took forever ! And my husband just let them trash the house while he watched TV.

OP posts:
YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 04/05/2025 18:43

They trash the place - literally. If you’re not behind them, telling them to clean up, they don’t.

they are 3 and 5... of course they don't. I mean you are not doing anything wrong, they are just little!

shoofly · 04/05/2025 18:42

You are not being unreasonable. Anyone who has had small children and doesn't understand is a knob. If they left at 5.30 or 6 fine, but only if I liked them/ they were helpful or they added something to my life.

I had one "friend" who used to rock up on her way home from work, wind my kids up, make me feel uptight and was generally an utter pain in the arse. We're not friends anymore.

Anyone who tells you/ or makes you feel like you're not doing enough, needs to f off.
And your husband needs to do more/ have your back.

Anxioustealady · 04/05/2025 18:42

Completely fine telling them not to come over when you've had a bad day.

If they were helpful to you, they'd probably be welcome. Either they wouldn't judge, or they'd actually help you (I would for my sisters). If they want to be rude, it's their fault the relationship suffers.

FeatherDawn · 04/05/2025 18:40

Luluissleeping · 04/05/2025 18:17

You sound like you have a lot on your plate. No one who smirks or laughs at me would get over my threshold so fuck that. SIL etc will laugh on the other side of their faces if they have children. When family tell you to get more organised, ask them for examples. Don't beat yourself up. This phase will pass as the dc get older.

Absolutely this!
They and your MIL sound toxic
Smirking/ laughing and invalidating others experiences is really unpleasant behaviour
Don't be the people pleaser who allows this.
It's setting yourself on fire to keep them warm

I would suggest meeting outside your home as they then won't be given the opportunity to belittle you and you can up and leave if they do.

As for your DC
Do they they consequences for trashing your house?
Locks on cupboards/ doors might be in order

Original poster
tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:39

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 04/05/2025 18:32

It sounds like it's affecting her mood because she's a one man band and is being made to feel inadequate while carrying the full load. Yes we're mostly all mums on here but we all have vastly different situations and personalities and it's totally unfair to judge others by our own experience. My in-laws wouldn't dream of making some comment on how my house wasn't perfect, and if they came over at bedtime they'd do bedtime for me and offer for me to sit down!

Sounds like you have DH problems too, is he normally a lazy bellend?

Edited

yeah it’s definitely a problem with him. It has improved a bit. But I still do a lot.

i used to work from home only and that was definitely worse. Now I go to the office 3 days a week and work from home 2 days, it’s better.

but it’s small things that wind me up. When we were all at home, I do everything -tidying, meals and cleaning up after.

I do all the laundry of course too. He’s so so messy with his clothes. He doesn’t have much time to do stuff like that but the basics for himself, he doesn’t do.

he’s out of the house from 5:30 am until nearly 9 pm though. It’s a tough routine for us both.

OP posts:
Drearycommuter · 04/05/2025 18:39

I would have no time for some bastard to come round and smirk at me.

but is it that your husband isn’t being there for you? Isn’t that the main issue?

ByPinkGuide · 04/05/2025 18:34

tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:26

I know people might not care but I do think they judge.

why else would MIL ask me if I still have my cleaners when it’s less than perfect on the odd occasion ?

I think they do judge.

BIL and SIL I think judge as well. They just don’t feel like they’re on our team or supportive in any way, if that makes sense. I have an older sibling and always used to say supportive things to them when things seemed difficult with their kids and they seemed tired. This was before I had kids but I was able to see that it wasn’t easy and wouldn’t just smirk.

Who cares if they judge your house? Own it. Next time Mil makes a PA comment asking if you still have cleaners, "look at the state of the place, does it look like we have cleaners??" Or "We do have them around but you know Dave is barely house trained so it's probably not nearly enough! I blame his parents!"

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 04/05/2025 18:32

It sounds like it's affecting her mood because she's a one man band and is being made to feel inadequate while carrying the full load. Yes we're mostly all mums on here but we all have vastly different situations and personalities and it's totally unfair to judge others by our own experience. My in-laws wouldn't dream of making some comment on how my house wasn't perfect, and if they came over at bedtime they'd do bedtime for me and offer for me to sit down!

Sounds like you have DH problems too, is he normally a lazy bellend?

Original poster
tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:29

Ofcoursehesthefkingfarmer · 04/05/2025 18:27

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable saying no at whatever time you want, it’s your house and your weekend!

But gently, this is a parenting forum and most of us also have this shit to deal with, if you’ve got two small children at home on a cold Sunday, they will trash your house if you give them free rule over it, we all have that battle and you can’t let it affect your mood so dramatically.

I agree, I think I also said it in my post. If not, that’s what I was thinking.

essentially nothing special here.

but I just hit some sort of wall today

OP posts:
Ofcoursehesthefkingfarmer · 04/05/2025 18:27

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable saying no at whatever time you want, it’s your house and your weekend!

But gently, this is a parenting forum and most of us also have this shit to deal with, if you’ve got two small children at home on a cold Sunday, they will trash your house if you give them free rule over it, we all have that battle and you can’t let it affect your mood so dramatically.

Original poster
tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:26

I know people might not care but I do think they judge.

why else would MIL ask me if I still have my cleaners when it’s less than perfect on the odd occasion ?

I think they do judge.

BIL and SIL I think judge as well. They just don’t feel like they’re on our team or supportive in any way, if that makes sense. I have an older sibling and always used to say supportive things to them when things seemed difficult with their kids and they seemed tired. This was before I had kids but I was able to see that it wasn’t easy and wouldn’t just smirk.

OP posts:
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