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Original poster

To have asked BIL and SIL not to come this evening

87 replies

tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:03

SIL text me this morning saying they wanted to come over today. I said, sure. Yes, I should have asked for when they were planning to come, but didn’t.

I did tell everyone in the family not to come after 5 pm anymore if possible, especially on a school night, as the kids get really wound up and it’s then hard to get them to sleep. They’re 3 and 5.

anyways, I’ve had the worst day. Just feeling so stressed out by the mountains of laundry to do/ the mess in the house and just general life. I know it’s hard for everyone, but lately it’s all getting on top of me. I feel like my husband also doesn’t really look out for me and is absent quite a bit. I hit a wall today and had a major crying breakdown.

it was not a good day and knowing relatives are going to pop in, makes it worse on days like this because then I’m constantly tidying and cleaning. I hate having people over when it’s a mess and MIL also asks when it’s not completely perfect whether I don’t have my cleaners anymore ? Which fucks me off. My kids go from mess to mess, taking toys out, clothes, shoes, drinks. They trash the place - literally. If you’re not behind them, telling them to clean up, they don’t. I was putting away a lot of laundry into cupboards and ironing while my husband was downstairs with them and they were also coming upstairs just wrecking the place entirely.

the point I’m making is that I usually stay on top of them, but I had a lot of housework to do and so I didn’t. Neither did my husband and the house was wrecked. It was perfect this morning.

so when it got to 5:30 pm I told BIL and SIL to not come tonight as we want to start winding the kids down and we also need a bit of an evening without them.

BIL and SIL don’t have kids and they don’t even begin to try to show any kind of understanding of stuff like this and I find it really really frustrating. We see them a fair bit and they just find stuff funny and never have even a half decent/ kind / sympathetic word to say to us. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s starting to wind me the fuck up. I get the impression they think they’d handle everything much better than we can tbh. And no, I don’t always complain about how hard things are- but anytime I ever have mentioned something being difficult / less than ideal I’m always met with smirking / laughing / being brushed off.

MIL is the same and says I just need to be more organised- when my own mother mentioned that I have a lot on my plate because of work, small kids and a pretty absent husband ( because of his work ). MIL says all mums do it, it’s nothing she didn’t do and I need to be more organised. I get the impression that’s what they all think. That I’m just a bit pathetic and that they’d all do it so much better.

OP posts:
Original poster
tuhave · 04/05/2025 20:57

Createausername1970 · 04/05/2025 20:55

For the time being, don't create extra hassle by trying to offload bedtime. It's definitely better to share it when you can, but don't chuck that into the mix right now.

Concentrate on reducing the load elsewhere. Maybe when you are lying between them, while they drift off, have a think about what you could do. His laundry is something that springs to mind - or at least the ironing/putting away. I don't put DH's stuff away, I put it on his side of the bed and leave it there.

Did you cancel the cleaner to save money? Could you afford one visit each week to do the bathroom or kitchen thoroughly, for example.

If you can find a way to reduce a few things here and there, it does make a difference.

No I would NEVER cancel my cleaners, I need them. It’s once a week and everything gets cleaned. They come on a Friday but of course you need to stay on top of it. You need to put your shit away, you need to tidy the toys away etc etc. stuff he doesn’t do much.

he just makes more mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
tuhave · 04/05/2025 20:55

DreamTheMoors · 04/05/2025 20:49

I don’t care what anybody says, people always judge if you have a messy house.
I hate it. And I hate housework lol.
I pay a cleaner. I’d go without a lot to afford a cleaner - including shoes. And food.

The only thing I took away from your post, @tuhave is that your MIL is a horse’s patoot.
Then again, I’m sure she walks around with a halo. And she walks on water. Amirite?
Sheezus.

I think people judge and I think people also judge our parenting and I think they think they’d do it better.

regardless of any judgements it’s also me, I just feel completely overwhelmed by too much mess.

it just gets on top of me and I want to scream.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 04/05/2025 20:55

For the time being, don't create extra hassle by trying to offload bedtime. It's definitely better to share it when you can, but don't chuck that into the mix right now.

Concentrate on reducing the load elsewhere. Maybe when you are lying between them, while they drift off, have a think about what you could do. His laundry is something that springs to mind - or at least the ironing/putting away. I don't put DH's stuff away, I put it on his side of the bed and leave it there.

Did you cancel the cleaner to save money? Could you afford one visit each week to do the bathroom or kitchen thoroughly, for example.

If you can find a way to reduce a few things here and there, it does make a difference.

DreamTheMoors · 04/05/2025 20:49

I don’t care what anybody says, people always judge if you have a messy house.
I hate it. And I hate housework lol.
I pay a cleaner. I’d go without a lot to afford a cleaner - including shoes. And food.

The only thing I took away from your post, @tuhave is that your MIL is a horse’s patoot.
Then again, I’m sure she walks around with a halo. And she walks on water. Amirite?
Sheezus.

HideousKinky · 04/05/2025 20:48

My step-mother used to say the thing about still having cleaners to me too OP.

She had never had children.

Just let it wash over you

ChunkyMum667 · 04/05/2025 20:46

People who don't have kids of their own don't get it. Genuinely, they don't understand how hard evenings can be and if they're arseholes they won't try either. Just stand your ground.

Tbrh · 04/05/2025 20:45

I'm strict with routine, I'd let them come over but let them know they need to leave by x time for kids bedtime

Carpetty · 04/05/2025 20:41

tuhave · 04/05/2025 20:33

He can’t do bed time as the kids just won’t have it. I have to do it, as I do it every night and that’s what they’re used to unfortunately. Especially my little one won’t sleep without me. My 5 year old sometimes reads with him at night so that’s positive but lately they’ve both just cried and screamed until I do it. I have to lie in between them until they fall asleep, which can take ages and is very very very frustrating when I’ve had a hard day and if it takes longer than half an hour. I literally want to scream sometimes.

You need to leave the house.
Make a tea in a cup, drive around the corner, bring a charged phone znd leave him to it.
You are out of uour mind to allow this continue.
Let him learn to soothe them snd get them down.

This laziness is working for him.
If you have to leave the house, do it. Go for z walk, whatever.
You wouldn't be the first mum to have had to do this.

SP2024 · 04/05/2025 20:37

On occasions like this I would make my SIL do the bedtime routine. Kids love it and I get a break! I wouldn’t keep them up longer than bedtime tbh and then would hopefully get some adult time with them after that.

Createausername1970 · 04/05/2025 20:34

BoyDoIMissSecrets · 04/05/2025 18:14

People don’t care if your house is spick & span, they want to see you/the kids.
Can the kids not stay up a bit later as it’s bank holiday?
I say this kindly, but life will pass you by in a blink and the people important to you won’t have been able to spend as much time with your family as they would have liked.
5pm is a really early cut off.

DS was definitely ready for his bed by 6.00 or just after at 3 and 4 years old, so someone arriving later than 5.00 would be inconvenient.

Original poster
tuhave · 04/05/2025 20:33

He can’t do bed time as the kids just won’t have it. I have to do it, as I do it every night and that’s what they’re used to unfortunately. Especially my little one won’t sleep without me. My 5 year old sometimes reads with him at night so that’s positive but lately they’ve both just cried and screamed until I do it. I have to lie in between them until they fall asleep, which can take ages and is very very very frustrating when I’ve had a hard day and if it takes longer than half an hour. I literally want to scream sometimes.

OP posts:
EmmaJane2025 · 04/05/2025 20:31

You have a DH problem (and your MIL is a 1st class bitch. No other word for her!). I genuinely don’t get why on earth you’re with your DH.
Not only is he away a lot (fair enough on its own, it’s his job but most DH’s & Dads make up for it when home!) but from what I’ve gathered from you, he doesn’t support you, doesn’t help you, doesn’t defend you, doesn’t reassure you when you’re upset, either? What on earth is he there for then!?

Original poster
tuhave · 04/05/2025 20:30

TheKeeperOfTissues · 04/05/2025 20:25

Can your husband take the kids visiting in laws (not today obviously) to give you a few hours to yourself?

He sounds unhelpful.
How did he react to you getting upset?

He didn’t say much, just started cleaning up a bit and told me to just stop caring less about it, as there’s just no point to get so upset about it all.

he went outside with the kids for a bit as well, while I finished off and rested on my own for a bit afterwards.

OP posts:
TheKeeperOfTissues · 04/05/2025 20:25

Can your husband take the kids visiting in laws (not today obviously) to give you a few hours to yourself?

He sounds unhelpful.
How did he react to you getting upset?

Carpetty · 04/05/2025 20:16

OP, believe me if your husband was sorting his own laundry he would approach it differently.

Stop doing it and he will realise what is involved.
I have seen it with my children.
Far less likely to fill their laundry badket, now its clear it will be them emptying it!

Original poster
tuhave · 04/05/2025 20:07

Crunchymum · 04/05/2025 20:02

So what did your BIL and SIL say when you asked them not to come over this evening?

Just, no worries. I went on to explain exactly why and then explained I’m free and alone tomorrow.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 04/05/2025 20:02

So what did your BIL and SIL say when you asked them not to come over this evening?

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 04/05/2025 20:00

Yanbu and sound at the end of your rope.
I'd have set out my stall already with this but I think the best defense is a food offence.

bil & sil
Very honestly I'd have let them come and picked up my bag and coat as I opened the door and left your husband and the pair of them to it go ANYWHERE, ideally a.pub or bar, ignore my phone and return 9.30/10pm once yltge carnage has ended.

I'd let MIL / BIL / whoever be dickheads and come at 5/ 6 /7 in the evening and I would leave EVERY time.
Go the gym, a bar a restaurant, a drive, for a long walk... whatever.
2 or 3 + adults can put a 5 and 3 yr old to bed... eventually without you.

Re your MIL
Fuck her and her judgement.

If it bogheds you I'd do a one and done to stop it though
"You have repeatedly asked that and I dont know why so I just want to close it off properly now so you can stop asking.
Yes i have a cleaner.
You know I have a cleaner.
You also must know I have a husband who won't clear up after himself let alone our 2 children. I'm doing over 90% already... so If your aim is to shame someone into doing more housework and tidying you should continually ask your son about the cleaner and why he wont pull his weight not me. Thanks"

FusionChefGeoff · 04/05/2025 19:58

Whats his job that means he has such a long day? Is it a long commute, self employed or just a ‘presenteeism’ job?

This is the root problem so I’d be looking at longer terms plans that will shorten his working day so he can do more parenting

PrincessofWells · 04/05/2025 19:50

You have a husband problem.

Tell him to shape up and pull his share of the load or piss off. It's a lot easier on your own.

MeetMyCat · 04/05/2025 19:50

JLou08 · 04/05/2025 18:58

YANBU. I hate visitors between 5-7. It is making tea, clean up, bath, bed time routine. I've no time to entertain anyone and I am usually exhausted once DC is in bed. What's with asking in the morning and coming so late too? That would also wind me up, I wouldn't want to be spending the whole day in the house waiting for them to turn up.

This. I don’t think many people want to have drop-in visitors at that time, whether they have kids or not. My ex MIL used to do this, and it would always cost us the whole evening as a result. It’s very inconsiderate

mindutopia · 04/05/2025 19:41

It’s rude for anyone to invite themselves to your house and dictate a time when you’ll be hosting them.

Next time though, you need to be more assertive. We can’t see you today, but how about we meet up for a walk tomorrow at 11am. Or, great, we’d love to see you at 3pm, could you stop and get a little cake or some brownies on your way and we’ll have those with our coffee.

nopineapplepizza · 04/05/2025 19:27

If you’re having a bad day, why aren’t you heading off to bed now and letting your H take over with childcare and dinner, bath and bed?

Once he’s put them to bed, he can clean up too; you’re a couple, this isn’t all on you you know (though it sounds very much like it is), get him to do his fair share and you won’t feel so burnt out.

Endofyear · 04/05/2025 19:18

tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:26

I know people might not care but I do think they judge.

why else would MIL ask me if I still have my cleaners when it’s less than perfect on the odd occasion ?

I think they do judge.

BIL and SIL I think judge as well. They just don’t feel like they’re on our team or supportive in any way, if that makes sense. I have an older sibling and always used to say supportive things to them when things seemed difficult with their kids and they seemed tired. This was before I had kids but I was able to see that it wasn’t easy and wouldn’t just smirk.

So? Let them judge away, their opinions only matter to you if you let them. If they're not very nice, limit the amount of time you spend with them. Start saying no and stop worrying about it. Let your DH host them, or go to theirs. Take control of the situation and don't let people walk over you!

Luluissleeping · 04/05/2025 19:17

tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:46

They just never say anything nice or supportive.

Who do they ask when they want to come over? You or DH? Glad you put them off. They sound clueless and self absorbed. You don't need people in your life who criticise you and then don't offer to help. They could get involved in tidying up/ offer a hand. Your husband sounds like he could be doing a lot more. Maybe when he doesn't have a clean shirt one morning he might think about helping you more when he is home with the children HE helped produce. He needs to be told. I hope you give him a good talking to.

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