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Original poster

To have asked BIL and SIL not to come this evening

87 replies

tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:03

SIL text me this morning saying they wanted to come over today. I said, sure. Yes, I should have asked for when they were planning to come, but didn’t.

I did tell everyone in the family not to come after 5 pm anymore if possible, especially on a school night, as the kids get really wound up and it’s then hard to get them to sleep. They’re 3 and 5.

anyways, I’ve had the worst day. Just feeling so stressed out by the mountains of laundry to do/ the mess in the house and just general life. I know it’s hard for everyone, but lately it’s all getting on top of me. I feel like my husband also doesn’t really look out for me and is absent quite a bit. I hit a wall today and had a major crying breakdown.

it was not a good day and knowing relatives are going to pop in, makes it worse on days like this because then I’m constantly tidying and cleaning. I hate having people over when it’s a mess and MIL also asks when it’s not completely perfect whether I don’t have my cleaners anymore ? Which fucks me off. My kids go from mess to mess, taking toys out, clothes, shoes, drinks. They trash the place - literally. If you’re not behind them, telling them to clean up, they don’t. I was putting away a lot of laundry into cupboards and ironing while my husband was downstairs with them and they were also coming upstairs just wrecking the place entirely.

the point I’m making is that I usually stay on top of them, but I had a lot of housework to do and so I didn’t. Neither did my husband and the house was wrecked. It was perfect this morning.

so when it got to 5:30 pm I told BIL and SIL to not come tonight as we want to start winding the kids down and we also need a bit of an evening without them.

BIL and SIL don’t have kids and they don’t even begin to try to show any kind of understanding of stuff like this and I find it really really frustrating. We see them a fair bit and they just find stuff funny and never have even a half decent/ kind / sympathetic word to say to us. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s starting to wind me the fuck up. I get the impression they think they’d handle everything much better than we can tbh. And no, I don’t always complain about how hard things are- but anytime I ever have mentioned something being difficult / less than ideal I’m always met with smirking / laughing / being brushed off.

MIL is the same and says I just need to be more organised- when my own mother mentioned that I have a lot on my plate because of work, small kids and a pretty absent husband ( because of his work ). MIL says all mums do it, it’s nothing she didn’t do and I need to be more organised. I get the impression that’s what they all think. That I’m just a bit pathetic and that they’d all do it so much better.

OP posts:
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SpryCat · 21/05/2025 22:45

You sound exhausted @tuhave you are juggling working, two young children and doing everything in the house. Your husband works longs hours too and your in laws want to visit at inconvenient times. Your MIL obviously can’t remember how hectic little ones are but please don’t take it to heart.
When they say they will pop in I’d tell them a time convenient for you and say 5 o’clock onwards is too hectic for you and children.

Shadowsunray · 05/05/2025 09:14

It's completely reasonable to have a 'not after 5pm unless invited' boundary.

TammyJones · 05/05/2025 08:50

arcticpandas · 05/05/2025 00:00

@tuhave I think you need to progressively change your children's bed routine. You shouldn't have to stay with them until they fall asleep (says the woman who had to stay with DC1 until he was 10 y old but he's autistic so another story). I get how frustrating it is. Can you try to motivate them in some way saying they are big now and then try to walk away and come back? You would have to be patient and do this for max two weeks and they should be used to falling asleep on their own. Good luck!

Agree with this
yes a bedtime story , but then it’s lights out , good night.

Soontobe60 · 05/05/2025 08:40

In a situation like this, being ‘organised’ to me would involve me controlling what time visitors come and leave ‘yes we’d love you to pop over, if you aim to get here for 3 we can have some tea and cake before you leave at 5’. Then at around 4.45 ‘ooh look at the time kids, let’s have a tidy up because Aunty Sue and Uncle John will be going soon and I know you want to wave them off’.

TammyJones · 05/05/2025 08:34

Anxioustealady · 04/05/2025 18:48

Don't let them feel like you need to have a house like a show home. You have 2 young children and you work, it's not going to happen, and it's not a fair expectation.

You only need to keep the house as tidy as you want it. It sounds like even if it was perfect they'd pick at something else (suddenly women with spotless houses don't spend enough time with their children etc) so drop that rope.

If you let go of that target, hopefully their comments will not bother you as much. Your value is not related to how clean your house is.

Ha ha
This
it remind me of something I’d long forgot.
When the kids were little my step mum said ‘I didn’t do housework for a year ‘ - not true by the way - and she never stepped foot in my house so how did she know?
And my mil said ‘a house is for living in’
indicating my too high standards - she did occasionally actually visit.
Thing was I doing the exact same thing.
So which was it?
Seriously op you can’t win tell them to ‘get lost’.

SunshineAndFizz · 05/05/2025 06:50

This would drive me insane. They ask to come round but it could be any time? You need boundaries - ask them what time they’re coming/tell them what time is good for you.

Absolutely fine to say don’t come after 5.30.

whynotmereally · 05/05/2025 06:30

yeah for me 5pm is when we start cooking tea and then it’s homework/chill time and then bed. We tend to be more set plans , so Pil want to come over - great shall we say 1pm and I’ll do some lunch? The other option is go to theirs so arrival/leaving time is on you.

Tbh even if sil messaged and said ok if we pop over today, I’d still assume between 11-4 unless told otherwise.

Muffinmam · 05/05/2025 01:58

Drearycommuter · 04/05/2025 18:39

I would have no time for some bastard to come round and smirk at me.

but is it that your husband isn’t being there for you? Isn’t that the main issue?

I agree. What kind of a-hole invites themselves over around dinner time?

Codlingmoths · 05/05/2025 01:13

have some confidence op, you’re doing a tough job. No one who told me I wasn’t doing well enough would ever be welcome at mine!! Message them, include your dh, and say I can see you’re annoyed, It’s hard work working and parenting and looking after the house with dh never home, I need to be in bed by 8 tonight not jsut about to start putting overtired kids to bed, appreciate your understanding here! I know you want to see the kids, dh will bring them around Saturday, what time? For the future please keep in mind their weeknight bedtime is 7 and I feed them at 6.

obviously you do NOT go Saturday

lechatnoir · 05/05/2025 01:07

Honestly, the best thing you can do for your sanity is to get your useless husband to step up and be more involved is to just leave him to it. I have a couple of friends like you, and honestly it’s really frustrating to watch. They quite rightly moan about how utterly useless their husband’s are, and yet the tiniest thing they do, the wives will hover over them and/or eventually take over & do it their own way. These useless men never actually figure it out for themselves & then eventually either give up trying or clap their hands in glee that their pathetic attempt at bedtime/bath time or whatever regularly chore it was, means it no longer falls to them. What If something happened to you? Your husband would manage because he had to right now he doesn’t manage because he knows you’ll do it.

I would be going into the office five days a week, drawing up a very strict rota for meals/bedtime, increasing the cleaners hours and insisting DH reduced his hours or looks for another job. I’d rather be on my own than live with someone like this - what exactly does he bro h to the marriage (Other than a fuck tonne of
money I hope!)
And what does your husband do that requires him to be out of the home for so long? Excuse me for being cynical but it Sounds more like he’s just dodging household responsibilities to me!

Bridestone · 05/05/2025 00:27

tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:26

I know people might not care but I do think they judge.

why else would MIL ask me if I still have my cleaners when it’s less than perfect on the odd occasion ?

I think they do judge.

BIL and SIL I think judge as well. They just don’t feel like they’re on our team or supportive in any way, if that makes sense. I have an older sibling and always used to say supportive things to them when things seemed difficult with their kids and they seemed tired. This was before I had kids but I was able to see that it wasn’t easy and wouldn’t just smirk.

But why would you have wanted to see them at all, regardless of the state of the house and your children’s bedtime, if they’re never at all nice to you?

stayathomer · 05/05/2025 00:22

Op sorry you had a day like this but just to say before I had kids I’d never have gotten the routine thing, or understood that getting kids hyper before bed means hours of misery for parents etc etc etc. They’re just in a different place to you.

Also give yourself a break- no house with kids that age is tidy, they are whirlwinds! Your job is to keep the house clean, that doesn’t necessarily mean tidy, the kids healthy and happy and yourself in a good place mentally and physically x

Lady1576 · 05/05/2025 00:04

Not unreasonable at all. It’s unreasonable of them to turn up after 5 if you have asked your husband to stop having people over after 5. If they want to see you, they can come in the day like normal people….

arcticpandas · 05/05/2025 00:00

@tuhave I think you need to progressively change your children's bed routine. You shouldn't have to stay with them until they fall asleep (says the woman who had to stay with DC1 until he was 10 y old but he's autistic so another story). I get how frustrating it is. Can you try to motivate them in some way saying they are big now and then try to walk away and come back? You would have to be patient and do this for max two weeks and they should be used to falling asleep on their own. Good luck!

Anxioustealady · 04/05/2025 23:39

ChunkyMum667 · 04/05/2025 22:25

@Anxioustealady I have close relatives who are very similar to OP's in laws. And the answer is some people genuinely just don't leave. Last time they were here, we got up, told them they needed to leave (my child was crying as tired and hungry and they were actually raising their voices to continue their conversation over my child's screaming), managed to get them to the door and it took another 30 minutes to make them leave the house. They just wouldn't stop talking and find ways to stall. Every.single.time.

Your suggestion only works with reasonable people.

Show quote history

I originally added "awkward if they still won't" but didn't want to be negative so deleted it

I honestly might have snapped in your position, started yelling at them even louder than them shouting over the baby screaming lol. They probably wouldn't come back

ChunkyMum667 · 04/05/2025 22:25

Anxioustealady · 04/05/2025 22:06

Have you tried saying "you need to leave by x time" rather than "you need to arrive by 5"? I wonder if that would sink in more

@Anxioustealady I have close relatives who are very similar to OP's in laws. And the answer is some people genuinely just don't leave. Last time they were here, we got up, told them they needed to leave (my child was crying as tired and hungry and they were actually raising their voices to continue their conversation over my child's screaming), managed to get them to the door and it took another 30 minutes to make them leave the house. They just wouldn't stop talking and find ways to stall. Every.single.time.

Your suggestion only works with reasonable people.

CarpetKnees · 04/05/2025 22:18

I have a huge amount of sympathy for you.
Your dh's hours are ridiculous.
Plus your dcs' ages are hard work for anyone.

Top tip for next time - when SiL texts to say they are coming over, ask them to come at 10am or 1pm and to take the dc to the park for a couple of hours.
They get to spend time with the dc and you and dh have a couple of hours to catch yourselves up ready to start the next week.

Anxioustealady · 04/05/2025 22:06

Have you tried saying "you need to leave by x time" rather than "you need to arrive by 5"? I wonder if that would sink in more

justasking111 · 04/05/2025 21:55

Both my DILs kick their DH and kids out of the house when they need to get stuck into house work. Wise women.

@tuhave throw them all out with sandwiches, juice, water bottles, snacks.

notatinydancer · 04/05/2025 21:52

tuhave · 04/05/2025 18:39

yeah it’s definitely a problem with him. It has improved a bit. But I still do a lot.

i used to work from home only and that was definitely worse. Now I go to the office 3 days a week and work from home 2 days, it’s better.

but it’s small things that wind me up. When we were all at home, I do everything -tidying, meals and cleaning up after.

I do all the laundry of course too. He’s so so messy with his clothes. He doesn’t have much time to do stuff like that but the basics for himself, he doesn’t do.

he’s out of the house from 5:30 am until nearly 9 pm though. It’s a tough routine for us both.

Show quote history

he works those hours every day ? Does he have a long commute?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 04/05/2025 21:49

@tuhave I seriously wish that people would stop saying that OP's house doesnt need to be spotless!! we all feel embarassed when people come and the house is a mess, dont we??? I certainly do! you look at all those programmes on tv and the houses are always spick and span and the washing and shopping is always done but you never see anyone doing it, do you? I get how she hates that. she really needs to tell he dh to get off his backside a bit more at the weekend instead of leaving it all to her. he can also put clothes away and tidy up at the back of himself. he probably doesnt even cook a meal for op and the kids at the weekend so really she is looking after 2 wee kids and 1 big kid! I would hate anyone to visit at 5pm and 6pm! I cant even stand my dh's mobile ringing at that time!! Its mealtime in my house!!

suburburban · 04/05/2025 21:45

tuhave · 04/05/2025 19:06

All my in laws have this habit of turning up at 5 or 6.

a few months ago I was alone with the kids all weekend and they all knew it and they wanted to come at 6 pm on a Sunday night and I was like - no. I was so exhausted and lonely all weekend with the kids and I did ask them to spend the afternoon with us / come for lunch. But they had the cheek to ignore my wishes and want to come at 6 pm ! Outrageously insensitive.

I’ve said no quite a few times now and even sent a message saying, please not after 5. I’m happy for them to still be here after 5 btw. But don’t arrive at 5. I’m much more flexible at the weekend, but still. Today just wasn’t a good day and they would have seen me feeling quite down and I always feel worse when I see them when I’m not feeling well. As they have no understanding and just make me feel worse, I don’t like them to see me when I’m not at my best.

i wasn’t always like that but after a while of being authentic with people and them always shooting you down and making you feel pathetic, you do then have your guard up and don’t want them to see you vulnerable.

How about they invite you over to theirs

say no

Sunday night, no chance

MamaLenny · 04/05/2025 21:40

I agree if you haven't "popped in" by 5pm then just forget it!

Createausername1970 · 04/05/2025 21:07

I do sympathise. I struggled at times with just 1 and I was either part time or SAH. DH did help, but he would go off at a tangent and do something that was nice, but not what needed doing at that time.

You probably know all the answers that people are going to give you, but don't beat yourself up. If you end the day with both kids in bed and they have been adequately fed and watered and both still alive, then it's a win 😁.

We adopted our DS and the best bit of advice we were given by our lovely social worker was that there is no such thing as perfect. Don't strive to be a perfect parent or have a perfect house or give the children a perfect childhood. None of this exists. Aim for adequate rather than perfect, and it will see you through most things.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 04/05/2025 21:04

Sorry but no

He can’t do bed time as the kids just won’t have it. I have to do it

This is martyr territory. If you want to improve your life, work on this and stop being "the martyr".
The reality is change will be uncomfortable but if you dont want to keep on like this you need to change the status quo.

Also factually... If you dropped down dead (God forbid) somehow your children would sleep. In the nicest way you aren't that special...

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