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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by my first Bridget Jones Experience?

130 replies

mumhas1syllable · 04/05/2025 16:16

Long story short, I’m nearing 40, single mum, a few long term relationships but nothing that has lasted longer than 5 years.

Left most recent relationship because other party was coercive and had narcissistic tendencies. Realised I needed to work heavily on myself so invested in therapy and have spent the past 9 months working through childhood trauma, anxious attachment and pulling myself out of very deep depression. I’ve come so far and recently started to feel well enough to taper off anti depressants and start my life again.

attended best friends birthday party yesterday, where comments were made about my single status that felt derogatory. A further games night was discussed and I displayed my enthusiasm to attend. Only for her to announce that I wasn’t invited because it’s couples only. This was in front of the whole group and to be frank, was humiliating.

noteworthy that recently she has been flaky with any plans and not attending last minute and instead participating in events with her married friends.

I’ve never been ostracized for being single before or even made to feel like it’s a negative aspect of my life and who I am.

AIBU to be deeply hurt by this and to want to walk away from the friendship? And also to feel like a complete failure because I’m middle aged and single? I feel like I’m so unworthy and I’ve spent nearly a year of my life working toward feeling worthy and this has knocked me back hugely.

OP posts:
Animatic · 04/05/2025 18:16

It's understandable that your friend's comments stung, most of us were brought up with the concept husband-wife-children family being the only normal option (All other modifications being a mistake).
I also feel often excluded from the events where couples meet even if I am a good friend with some/most of them. My parents keep my divorce hush-hush and away from the wider family (and warn me not to mention it at any meetups) which is unpleasant but I sort of learned to shrugg that off and carry on.

MyDeftDuck · 04/05/2025 18:16

Well I hope the event is a resounding failure and this so called friend has a really shit time.

lifeonmars100 · 04/05/2025 18:16

BobbyBiscuits · 04/05/2025 17:41

I simply don't understand people setting up events that are 'couples only'?
It seems archaic as a concept. Like single people can't be trusted not to steal someone else's partner, or are somehow lower or lesser company because they don't have a partner?
I would give them a wide berth tbh.
How odd to differentiate between a friend that you like and one you don't want to hang out with, based on whether or not they're currently getting laid by the same person on a fairly frequent basis?

Ridiculous load of shite.

It is so old fashioned, so they all sit there luxuriating in the belief that they are not social pariahs simply because they have a partner. It sounds like something from the 1950's or maybe even Victorian times when the only way most women could have any sort of social status or identity was to marry. Madness!

CalleOcho · 04/05/2025 18:15

A further games night was discussed and I displayed my enthusiasm to attend. Only for her to announce that I wasn’t invited because it’s couples only. This was in front of the whole group and to be frank, was humiliating.

What a nasty bitch!

You’re better off without people like this in your life.

And FWIW, (even though she’s a fictional character) I fucking love Bridget! I’d rather be a Bridget than a smug cow who thinks being in a relationship/marriage is some exclusive club. Fuck them!!!!!!

SansaStark90 · 04/05/2025 18:13

This is about her, not you. But I’ve been there, and it sucks - being made to feel inferior because you are single.

From observing most relationships and similar age to you, most aren’t happy. So don’t feel you are missing out. Your therapy will make you stronger so you don’t settle for an unhappy relationship, confident that you will thrive single, and this will attract the right partner for you.

When you spend time with couples, the passive aggression, real aggression, bickering, straying eyes…

One of the few who I thought were a happy couple, the husband made a pass at me. I thought I had got it wrong and/or he was drunk. But there was no mistaking the dm I got saying how he couldn’t stop thinking of me. I felt I had to tell her and guess which gender got more derogatory comments…I was a single woman and clearly must have been begging for this unwanted attention.

Original poster
mumhas1syllable · 04/05/2025 18:09

Middlechild3 · 04/05/2025 17:56

The crappy childhood fairy on YouTube is very good at advice on issues that stem from childhood ❤️

Show quote history

Thank you!! I’ll certainly give it a watch. I embrace all the help there is ❤️

OP posts:
lifeonmars100 · 04/05/2025 18:09

Your "friend" sounds mean, ukind and immature. What she said was hurtful and she obviously lacks the sensitivity to temper her remarks. I am a bit like you in that I tend to go over and over remarks that have hurt me rather then revisiting all the kind and lovely things that people have said to me. Maybe focus on the hard work you have put into getting where you are today, you sound self aware and kind and you deserve to have people in your life who share these qualities.

anon666 · 04/05/2025 18:08

Yeah. This "friend" doesn't deserve your attention

Original poster
mumhas1syllable · 04/05/2025 18:06

Awishcometrue · 04/05/2025 18:00

It's possible the 'couples only' invite is showing that she's actually quite insecure herself and would rather be socializing with couples incase her partner has a wandering eye
Filp the perspective and she may see you as a threat this is why Fiends belittle you x

Show quote history

Thank you! I do struggle with perspective and have a tendency to place my own values and expectations on others. Which I now realize is flipping daft but I do still need help in seeing it because I struggle to comprehend things I wouldn’t do etc. I can have a narrow perspective that is very lovely and sees the best in everyone - which is nice but unrealistic and why I could be a doormat. Thank you for reminding me to get out of my tunnel vision x

OP posts:
Chewygummy · 04/05/2025 18:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
mumhas1syllable · 04/05/2025 18:02

unsync · 04/05/2025 17:54

Don't let it knock you. You have obviously done a huge amount of work. You have recognised that what she said, and how she treated you, was not acceptable, which in itself is good progress.

It does seem as though she was using you to make herself feel better. There's probably an element of jealousy there too, if she was doing this, it means that things are not that great with her, and she resents that you have managed to sort yourself out. Rise above and continue being fabulous. Some better friends might be in order too in due course.

Yes I think it’s time to find a new friendship group that is less toxic.

I hadn’t considered jealousy but if I was honest with myself, perhaps because I am happier in myself it may have sparked it. I may not think much of myself but I am aware that I’m not considered unattractive, I am one of those annoying women who eats like a horse and doesn’t gain weight and I’m academically successful (I collected a lot of impressive degrees to gain my parents love but to no avail). However, just because I am happier doesn’t mean I’ve changed my values or morals and am suddenly a threat to peoples marriages. They may be attractive to them but they’re certainly not to me. And having been subjected to philandering men as parents and partners, the act of it repulses me and I would never hurt anyone the way I have been hurt. I hoped she knew me better but I guess not.

OP posts:
Awishcometrue · 04/05/2025 18:00

mumhas1syllable · 04/05/2025 16:16

Long story short, I’m nearing 40, single mum, a few long term relationships but nothing that has lasted longer than 5 years.

Left most recent relationship because other party was coercive and had narcissistic tendencies. Realised I needed to work heavily on myself so invested in therapy and have spent the past 9 months working through childhood trauma, anxious attachment and pulling myself out of very deep depression. I’ve come so far and recently started to feel well enough to taper off anti depressants and start my life again.

attended best friends birthday party yesterday, where comments were made about my single status that felt derogatory. A further games night was discussed and I displayed my enthusiasm to attend. Only for her to announce that I wasn’t invited because it’s couples only. This was in front of the whole group and to be frank, was humiliating.

noteworthy that recently she has been flaky with any plans and not attending last minute and instead participating in events with her married friends.

I’ve never been ostracized for being single before or even made to feel like it’s a negative aspect of my life and who I am.

AIBU to be deeply hurt by this and to want to walk away from the friendship? And also to feel like a complete failure because I’m middle aged and single? I feel like I’m so unworthy and I’ve spent nearly a year of my life working toward feeling worthy and this has knocked me back hugely.

It's possible the 'couples only' invite is showing that she's actually quite insecure herself and would rather be socializing with couples incase her partner has a wandering eye
Filp the perspective and she may see you as a threat this is why Fiends belittle you x

BethDuttonYeHaw · 04/05/2025 17:58

She’s not your best friend she is a bitch. Walk away.

Endofyear · 04/05/2025 17:58

She's not your best friend - she's not a friend at all if that's the way she treats you. I would dump her without a backward glance and spend your time with people who are nice and treat you well. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being single at any age and a good friend would never make you feel bad.

Chewygummy · 04/05/2025 17:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Middlechild3 · 04/05/2025 17:56

mumhas1syllable · 04/05/2025 16:47

Yes I think so too! I’ve been booking little events and attending things solo hoping to keep building myself up and find a good friendship group with similar values.

I suppose I just never anticipated having to start completely afresh at this age! But then again, going back to being that person and that troubled life seems so much worse. I was so deeply unhappy and hurt. I carried all the misery of my childhood and spent my life trying to fix it by placing all time into making others happy. I was exhausted and at rock bottom this time last year.

Show quote history

The crappy childhood fairy on YouTube is very good at advice on issues that stem from childhood ❤️

Original poster
mumhas1syllable · 04/05/2025 17:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I am most likely to be found knitting, reading, baking and walking the dog 🤣 so I’m lovingly referring to it as my grandma era.

Im not on social media aside from here, I don’t go out drinking much and I don’t suppose that is encouraging to friendship groups but I enjoy the peace now. I do love a good party and dancing, but I’m fortunate enough to have a teenager who will cook and bake with me and Ive always cherished that because it doesn’t last forever! It has always been a bone of contention in relationships because that is where I would rather invest my time.

OP posts:
unsync · 04/05/2025 17:54

Don't let it knock you. You have obviously done a huge amount of work. You have recognised that what she said, and how she treated you, was not acceptable, which in itself is good progress.

It does seem as though she was using you to make herself feel better. There's probably an element of jealousy there too, if she was doing this, it means that things are not that great with her, and she resents that you have managed to sort yourself out. Rise above and continue being fabulous. Some better friends might be in order too in due course.

Middlechild3 · 04/05/2025 17:48

That's not a friend or a supportive group of friends. You need new people, a new circle. You say you are changing and healing, sometimes people close to you don't like that.

Original poster
mumhas1syllable · 04/05/2025 17:48

financialcareerstuff · 04/05/2025 16:44

OP, I can totally understand how awful this made you feel, and it can feel initially like a slip back in your self esteem. But, I’m confident you will actually notice a quick and resilient bounce back. Because you have done the work and that doesn’t vanish.

I agree with you. Her comments may well be a symptom of you taking less shit. She sees someone growing in front of her, becoming something stronger - maybe in ways she would like to but hasn’t managed deep down. And unfortunately, she’s not the kind of person to embrace that.

when you grow like you have (and well done by the way!), you will notice that some old ‘friends’ suddenly don’t seem great anymore… either they actually aren’t happy for you, or your standards and expectations have changed.

None of us feel wonderful about ourselves all the time. That’s not a failure to feel knocked down. But you will find you have the resilience, and positive self image to argue back and find your feet again.

Based on everything you’ve said and the work you’ve done, I believe in you and am rooting for you!

Thank you so much ❤️ I’ve been so proud of myself and for choosing me, that I have taken it badly at others not being happy for me. I did mention once that I felt like all of my “friends” liked me when I was at my lowest and then felt like I was being awful and dismissed it and carried on. The proof is unfortunately, in the pudding and I need to pull up my socks and carry on and keep going.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I need to speak to myself kindly like this and remind myself where I can from and where I am today. A year ago I attempted to take my own life and now I couldn’t be more grateful that it didn’t happen and I chose me and my child.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 04/05/2025 17:46

That's a fuck you bitch 🖕moment and walk out.

Sorry, she's no friend of yours and you need a new friend group. They're all fine with you being excluded.

Chewygummy · 04/05/2025 17:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
mumhas1syllable · 04/05/2025 17:44

IndigoBluey · 04/05/2025 17:16

This is a friend and not you problem. Honestly life is too short to be hanging out with these types, judgemental, bitchy, smug, the exclusive vibe that being married or couple up is the be all and end all! She could well be jealous of your single status or perhaps how far you have come in recent times. I’d concentrate on yourself, there is a lot to be said being happily single or not feeling the need to be partnered up. I’d probably be saying something to her purely to call her out on her childish behaviour and then would distance if it is not a friendship you get much from. I have a friend like this, absolutely desperate “for a man” as she put it, multiple dates, needy. Found a partner and now constantly sympathises with her happily single friends whilst moaning about her other half who doesn’t work and spends most evenings in the pub!

thank you - and yes, I couldn’t be happier being single. I’m so content in my grandma era (a little too much because I do need to get out more!) and I have no desire for a relationship at present. Especially one that is reflective of previous, where I sought out people who would treat me awfully because it’s all I knew. I still need to get over the shame of how unhealthy my attachments were before I start anything new. And as for one that spends their time in the pub - they can keep them 🤣 that is not for me!

I suppose I just don’t understand what there is to be jealous of if she loves her life and husband so much?! And maybe why her comments hurt so much, why wouldn’t she be happy that I’m happy and healing?! And I realise these are all rhetorical questions and everyone on this thread has given me the answers…. She’s not my friend and I have to accept that and move on.

OP posts:
FullOfLemons · 04/05/2025 17:43

Friendships can be complex.

She gave you space to discover your ex DP was not the one.

You might now give her the space to work out what a cow she has been.

Are you a failure ? Not at all, how can that be true given you have managed to bring up a wonderful teen ?

BobbyBiscuits · 04/05/2025 17:41

I simply don't understand people setting up events that are 'couples only'?
It seems archaic as a concept. Like single people can't be trusted not to steal someone else's partner, or are somehow lower or lesser company because they don't have a partner?
I would give them a wide berth tbh.
How odd to differentiate between a friend that you like and one you don't want to hang out with, based on whether or not they're currently getting laid by the same person on a fairly frequent basis?

Ridiculous load of shite.