Page 3 | Can't decide between friends...

Ethicaldebacle · 2025-05-04T09:31:36+00:00

I've posted about my friend and her birthday weekend away. (Originally it was supposed to be child free, and then it turned out they're bringing kids...) So I really didn't want to go any more. Anyway, so my best friend calls me yesterday and she told me she's coming to visit me as her work trip is allowing her to stay for an extra week, but she'd have to stay with to save on costs. No problem whatsoever, she's my best friend and lives across the pond so I only see her every 3 years or so. So it turns out she's staying the same weekend as this other friend's weekend away. So I ask the birthday friend if I can bring my friend and she unilaterally said no. Fair enough it's her birthday, but at the same time I can't just leave my friend that I never get to see... So who's being unreasonable?

moose62 · 04/05/2025 12:30

Really, I don't understand the problem. Pull your big girl pants on and just say no to the weekend as your friend is now coming and you can't leave her on her own. You asked, they said you couldn't bring her, so they will just have to understand you have to cancel. Do it straight away, don't be a wimp and leave it to the last minute.

Bournetilly · 04/05/2025 12:06

You should have told her you weren’t going when she decided to invite children, this would have been a perfectly valid reason. Now it’s just going to look like you are ditching her for your other friend.

HellDorado · 04/05/2025 11:53

I think be as honest as possible. “I hate to let you down, but I haven’t seen Pam in three years and I don’t know when I’ll get the chance again. I’d be leaving her on her own if I come, and I know you’ll still have a great time with the other girls”. Maybe plan a meal for just the two of you or similar to make it up to her.

Dozer · 04/05/2025 11:34

YANBU to withdraw from the birthday weekend due to other attendees’ DC attending and/or your friend visiting from overseas.

YABU to have planned to pretend to be unwell.

It was unfair of your friend if she said it’d be adults only but changed that once people had committed / paid.

Not knowing other people on the trip seems irrelevant, since presumably you knew that before you committed.

SwanRivers · 04/05/2025 11:30

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 11:19

Exactly. It never really appealed to me, but originally I thought that it was probably good to get out of my comfort zone. But then, when children were added to the equation it became my idea of hell.

To avoid conflict, I was just going to claim sickness.

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To avoid conflict, I was just going to claim sickness.

This is just spineless though.

You should've told her the minute you decided you weren't going anymore.

Visun · 04/05/2025 11:29

You're clearly going to ditch birthday friend for your other friend. Do what you want but prepare for the friendship to be over. I would cut contact if a friend pulled out of a trip we'd organised because they got a better offer from someone else.

Let this be a lesson to you in communicating. Don't agree to things when you have no intention of following through. Be more honest.

ilovesooty · 04/05/2025 11:29

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 10:37

Yes correct, but I was going to claim I was poorly on the weekend.

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Well that's what you get from not being honest.

Original poster

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 11:27

Swiftie1878 · 04/05/2025 11:21

I don’t understand why you can’t just be honest, but if you’ve decided to lie, just carry on with the original plan. Lie on the day and stay with your bestie.

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Because I know how those conversations go... Obviously now that the birthday girl knows my friend is here I can't use my original excuse, so I'll likely have to say the truth, which is that I can't leave my BFF alone.

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Swiftie1878 · 04/05/2025 11:21

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 10:37

Yes correct, but I was going to claim I was poorly on the weekend.

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I don’t understand why you can’t just be honest, but if you’ve decided to lie, just carry on with the original plan. Lie on the day and stay with your bestie.

ItGhoul · 04/05/2025 11:19

Oh, absolutely ditch the birthday weekend. You don’t know anyone there except birthday girl, it’s going to be full of kids and nobody else loses money if you can’t go.

Original poster

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 11:19

Glittertwins · 04/05/2025 11:11

Tough one as it reads as you’d made the commitment to friend 1. But friend 1 then changed the arrangements by including children so I’d be using that as my declining reason now but still stump the accommodation costs. Going away where I’d only know the one person and there is a whole lot who are already friends sounds like my idea of hell. Adding their children to the mix as well sounds even worse!

Exactly. It never really appealed to me, but originally I thought that it was probably good to get out of my comfort zone. But then, when children were added to the equation it became my idea of hell.

To avoid conflict, I was just going to claim sickness.

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beetr00 · 04/05/2025 11:13

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 10:46

It wouldn't affect anyone apart from the "disappointment" and my wallet.

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@Gundogday & @notsureyetcertain

OP has stated she'll take the financial hit.

Glittertwins · 04/05/2025 11:11

Tough one as it reads as you’d made the commitment to friend 1. But friend 1 then changed the arrangements by including children so I’d be using that as my declining reason now but still stump the accommodation costs. Going away where I’d only know the one person and there is a whole lot who are already friends sounds like my idea of hell. Adding their children to the mix as well sounds even worse!

notsureyetcertain · 04/05/2025 11:09

Yeah I’d say you can’t go due to friend visit. Obviously don’t leave them out of pocket

Heronwatcher · 04/05/2025 11:06

If you want to leave the door open for weekend away friend, could you maybe go for the day and leave your visiting friend for one day in your house. Or maybe if you phone birthday friend and explain they might be ok. But I’d be expecting them to be pretty pissed off so I think you need to be realistic.

Shoxfordian · 04/05/2025 11:06

It doesn't sound like you're much of a friend to the birthday friend tbh but not honouring agreed arrangements is generally poor behaviour. Tell her you're not coming because you don't want to be around kids, and let her decide if she still wants to be friends.

Heronwatcher · 04/05/2025 11:04

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 11:01

They're not a "group of friends" the people who are going are complete strangers to me. I'm only friends with the birthday lady.

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The birthday lady then. As I say if you pull out now it’s just going to look like you can’t be arsed to go and prefer your other friend. I’d be pretty pissed off TBH. So I think it comes down to whether you want to maintain that friendship or not.

Gundogday · 04/05/2025 11:02

I’d cancel on the trip, but make sure you pay your share if the accomadation.

Original poster

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 11:01

Heronwatcher · 04/05/2025 10:57

I think if you want to maintain a friendship with the weekend away group you probably need to go. If you’d pulled out beforehand then this would have been different but now you’ve asked about visiting friend it will purely and simply look like you’ve binned their weekend off for someone else. All the reservations you had already would look like poor excuses.

If you’re not bothered about remaining friends then politely pull out and live with the consequences.

They're not a "group of friends" the people who are going are complete strangers to me. I'm only friends with the birthday lady.

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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/05/2025 11:00

toomuchfaff · 04/05/2025 10:40

Well now you have an amazing ready made excuse.

Tell them you're out because you have to host friend from over the pond. Job done.

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This.

Telling them you’re not well on the weekend would be pretty shitty tbh. Much better to let them know in advance.

Why couldn’t you just say you didn’t fancy it once kids were involved?

SheridansPortSalut · 04/05/2025 10:59

Now you have the perfect excuse to bow out of something you didn't want to go to anyway.

SwanRivers · 04/05/2025 10:58

Oh God, just use your words!

Tell her you don't want to go due to the kids coming and wish her well.

Don't blow out at the last minute with a pack of lies.

Why do you even have friends if you can't manage basic communication?

Heronwatcher · 04/05/2025 10:57

I think if you want to maintain a friendship with the weekend away group you probably need to go. If you’d pulled out beforehand then this would have been different but now you’ve asked about visiting friend it will purely and simply look like you’ve binned their weekend off for someone else. All the reservations you had already would look like poor excuses.

If you’re not bothered about remaining friends then politely pull out and live with the consequences.

beetr00 · 04/05/2025 10:56

no brainer @Ethicaldebacle

Have a wonderful time with your over the pond friend 🙂

Original poster

Ethicaldebacle · 04/05/2025 10:53

andweallloveclover · 04/05/2025 10:45

This ^^

You have asked if your friend can also come and have been told no. Therefore you just tell your friend that unfortunately if your other friend cannot come then you won't be able to either as you can't just leave her on her own.

So if your friend with the birthday celebrations really wants you there then she should understand your predicament and either allow your friend to come, or be okay with the fact you won't be able to because of this other friend.

I know things are not always that simple though and she may well get the huff but if this friend from overseas is your best friend that you rarely get chance to see then I am sorry but this top trumps the birthday weekend for me.

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Yes exactly. Plus the trip is with a bunch of her friends that I've never met. I'm the only one on that trip that doesn't belong to a group of friends

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