Can't decide between friends...

Good message from @rookiemere

Honestly some people are making this into a much bigger deal than it needs to be. No you do not need a mass confessional where you admit you weren’t keen on other peoples DCs being there, she has said you can’t bring your friend so it’s easy peasy.
”Dear friend I am so sorry but I will have to drop out from your birthday trip. As you know B is over on the same weekend from USA and I haven’t seen her for 3 years. I feel awful as I accepted your invite first, but I know you won’t be alone. I will of course still pay for my share of the accommodation and if you will let me, take you out to celebrate the occasion when you get back.”
Job done.

So he thought it would be a better idea to lie at the last minute instead? I’m not sure taking his advice is the best idea. Either that or he was telling you what he knew you wanted to hear.

While I normally believe you should do the first one because you committed to it, in this particular situation where the original trip changed after you agreed to it, you don’t know anyone else, they’re bringing their children, AND you have the opportunity to spend the week with your best friend that you hardly ever get to see, this is a no brainer.
Life is too short.

Decline with regret based on your overseas guest (I can’t actually believe you are not allowed to bring her on the weekend unless there is no bed for her, but then my friends are warm and welcoming to new people).
Make sure you pay your share of the accommodation upfront so it’s clear the rest won’t be out of pocket, and have a lovely time with your friend.

You mentioned that you have DC. For their sake I think you should ask yourself what you are modeling them in terms of how to socially interact with others, how to treat others and expect to be treated.

I completely understand being socially awkward and that social skills aren't innate to everyone but I think that makes it even more important that these DC are being taught these things so that they can negotiate the world. It sounds like you have got yourself into a real rut with this. I'm not saying that you're a bad person but you shouldn't be paying for a trip that you don't want to go on because you don't feel able to be honest about it.

Whatever you decided in the past or why, you are now double booked. I think you have to assume the worst. One of your friends is going to be offended. Which one will be most offended or if they both are, which one will you choose . . .

Ehh??So the why you try to drag your friend along instead?

OP I wouldn't go but i think you have handled it badly and your other friends will be annoyed.

Well there you are then. If your husband endorses your approach and thinks that being basically upfront and honest isn't necessary, I don't see why any opinions here will be of interest to you.

I don’t know why you planned to lie in the first place but now you won’t be able to. If you’d been honest from the start there’d be no issue. I think it’s not great to cancel a plan when you get a better offer but also think it’s ridiculous to invite a bunch of children away on an adults only weekend so you’re both as bad as each other here.

This is a good learning experience for you, the cowardly and awkward way you dealt with the initial invite including kids has had consequences.

If you'd actually said at the time that you didn't want to come to a holiday with loads of kids, maybe someone could have taken your place, you might have suggested a different activity with that friend (two of you at a spa one night) and you'd be looking forward to your best friend coming to stay.

Can you have an honest conversation now with the initial invite, just say the number of kids is beyond what you could cope with and if there's anyone else she's knows that might want to come, that's because better all round. Emphasise you want to see her to do something else though. Don't text this, call her.

And yes FWIW I would have thought you were a CF asking me to invite someone I’ve never met to my birthday weekend as well.

What I think would have been decent would either (a) to have pulled out as soon as bringing kids was agreed if you didn’t want go, or (b) explained to visiting friend that you’d got a commitment that would need to be re-arranged in order to host them and then spoken to weekend friend to see if you could work something out or explained the situation honestly.

It’s not just a money issue either, even if everyone paid their share it’s a crap weekend if a significant people are no-shows, she might not have invited other people who would have come, even if not who wants to spend their birthday weekend in an empty house or fielding fake messages about tummy bugs?

Oh good here we go with “I’m socially awkward”, slight suggestion of neurodivergence being used to explain dodgy behaviour.

I think the honest thing to do is just to explain what’s happened but you cannot be all “oh woe is me, she’s so mean” if she’s pissed off. And for the love of god, just be honest, agreeing to do stuff then crying off with a poor excuse/ outright lie at the last minute is just shitty behaviour.

You are being unreasonable. You can't just invite randoms to other people's parties. It's not birthday girl's fault that you have agreed to accommodate two people at the same time.

You should honour the agreement you made first, and try to make up to the person who'll have to be left a bit disappointed.

You really sound like a very fickle friend and pretty Immature.

I do agree though for future reference @Ethicaldebacle the planning to pull out at last minute is not a good or kind plan.

It’s just very unnecessary- you should work on building more confidence to enable you to say no to some invites without having to pretend you’re sick.

I had a friend do that one too many times and I cut her off. I never ever knew her to be unwell except for when she had a social event or when she didn’t want to take her kids to her ex.

The last time she did it to me was for my 28th birthday, just me and her were meant to be going out for dinner and then I was meeting up with some other friends for drinks. She wasn’t even that apologetic .

I stopped speaking to her shortly after. It would have been a bit different if it was a group event, but the fact she knew it was just me and her going out for dinner and she pulled that stunt was beyond me.

I do appreciate your situation is slightly different though as other people will be there even if you don’t show for your friend, but it’s still bad form to do that IMO.

This doesn't sound like a very equal friendship - she sounds like a user. What does she do for you? Perhaps you were only invited because she needed another mug to subsidise the accomodation.

This is a no-brainer. You don’t want to go and this is your perfect (and true) excuse so use it!

If she falls out with you for choosing to see your friend who you don’t see often due to distance that’s pathetic if you’re a good friend in other ways.

Tbh if I knew a guest’s bestie visit from abroad clashed with my celebration I’d say , depending on the nature of the event, either “bring them the more the merrier” or “I’d prefer if she doesn’t come as I don’t know them but I totally understand if you can’t make it anymore”.

I would definitely not think my birthday celebration was so important (to anyone else apart from myself) that they should not see or leave their friend from abroad behind.

Are you still going to pay your share of the accommodation if you don't go?

Tell her the truth and let her decide what to do with it.

You can be socially awkward whilst at least trying to treat others decently. This pulling a last minute sickie is poor behaviour and it seems to have backfired on you if it's complicated things with your other friend.

I'd see this as a wake up call to try and rebuild your social skills.

I've also always been socially awkward.

But have you always been a liar?

If not, it's time to step back and ask yourself if any friendship is worth having if you can't be truthful with that person.