Page 4 | Sharing friends.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 2025-05-04T00:40:26+00:00

OK, it's a DMIL one. Made new friends with a couple and invited them over whilst MIL was visiting. At some point when DH & I were out of the room, she gave them her phone number. She didn't mention it until they'd left, which seemed odd and a bit sneaky. Would be one thing if they got on like a house on fire, but ahe was basically mute and had to be prompted to join in the conversation. We are in a new place, DMIL lives 6 hours away and new friends live on the next road from us. DH & I can cope with MIL in short bursts as she can be overbearing. Just when she was here, she was talking of friends who've ghosted her. There's always someone who's wronged her and she has no self awareness. The AIBU: Since she got back home, she sent us a parcel with a sealed and stamped card to be passed on to new friends as she doesn't have their address. She said the letter is a thank you for visiting. Except, they were our guests and we've already said thanks for coming. Wwyd? This sounds petty, but I don't want to share friends with MIL and neither does DH as she'll take over and probably end up spoiling the friendship, even from many miles away. Yet we're the ones living close to these people and see them about. If she were to be friends with them, we'd step back as no good would come from it. Would you pass the letter on or say not to worry, have already passed thanks for us all and bin? Haven't opened it and don't intend to, but don't want to bin without mentioning it to her. Has anyone shared friends with a MIL/ DM? YABU - Pass it on. YANBU - Don't facilitate it. Thanks.

Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/05/2025 09:13

SALaw · 05/05/2025 08:13

Why are you sending the communication rather than your husband?

The three of us are on a WhatsApp group chat and all speak to each other. I won't send it directly.
If up to DH, he wouldn't just ignore it, but as others have said, if not dealt with now, it could carry on for years.

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BlueMum16 · 05/05/2025 09:07

SALaw · 05/05/2025 08:13

Why are you sending the communication rather than your husband?

Exactly.

DH needs to be blunt. Mum this is weird. I've put it in the bin.

Stop people pleasing. If you weren't trying to be nice they wouldn't have visited at the same time.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 05/05/2025 08:57

Tell her firmly no and start to stand your ground, she sounds hard work. I know a mil who quizzed her dils relatives (at the wedding!) all about the dil and then asked dil for their addresses and numbers so she could 'keep in touch'. Her dil had to refuse and now cuts off similar batshit requests/desperate ploys for intel.

hardhatready · 05/05/2025 08:49

I don’t know if you’ve sent your message already but if it were me I’d not acknowledge it. bin the card (being honest I would read it first) and completely ignore it. If she asks at a later date pretend to have forgotten “oh I’m not sure, I can’t remember, do you want a cup of tea.” be dismissive. Make her feel silly for asking and chasing you up about it. By engaging with her in any way you’re fuelling the fire. So minimal & boring interactions is the best way forward.

AlertCat · 05/05/2025 08:35

I would also be tempted to be fairly honest with your friends. A breezy “sorry about that, she invited herself over, we were really stuck and didn’t want to let you down, but thank goodness she’s gone home now” and then maybe “do you know what, she wanted us to pass on a card of thanks from her to you for visiting our house! How OTT is she!?” type of explanation.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 05/05/2025 08:22

That is such an odd thing for your MIL to do.

MrsMoastyToasty · 05/05/2025 08:19

I'd be inclined to say 'What parcel? Royal Mail are so rubbish aren't they? We've not had anything from you." when she asks.

SALaw · 05/05/2025 08:13

Why are you sending the communication rather than your husband?

Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/05/2025 08:08

She'd done similar @EggCustardTart but that was years ago and I shut it down.

It's always when you least expect and rushed off your feet.

I was kicking myself for it all even before the guests had left.

Absolutely never mixing her with other people again!

She certainly would do the passing on letters/parcels/asking after them etc.

Thanks for the decade warning as that's so true too.
Would rather have a bit of short-term discomfort than years of it.

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Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/05/2025 08:01

EggCustardTart · 05/05/2025 07:52

I have two relatives who have similar traits, although, at least one of them would have gone the other way and subjected the friends to an intrusive interrogation that the CIA would be proud of into the bargain. And then there would be Christmas cards, or random gifts to pass on, enquiries after the friend every week for the next decade. Even if they never met again.

Anyway, I wouldn't be indulging the weirdness, I'd call it out and just tell her it's ott or intense asking people for their number and then sending them things as if they visited her house not yours and just say you're not getting involved in it or acting as a go-between.
Then change the subject and if she brings it up again just say "oh you're being a bit intense again, we've been over this before" and change the subject again. Every single time. Don't give it oxygen by getting into a longer discussion about it or by appeasing her by implying you've given it to your friends.
Also, never have her over at the same time aas other people.

If you don't deal with it directly and set your boundaries at the start, you'll have to deal with the secondary weirdness for freaking years.

Oh dear, full on CIA would be another level.

Although saying that, we don't know what she may have said when DH & I were out of the room as we haven't spoken to friends since. Dreading it now!

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Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/05/2025 07:57

Susan7654 · 05/05/2025 07:22

Thats so tricky. I would def open as other advise and not pass it on. Imagine how difficult possition it must be fir your friends. They would feel obliged to invite her too when they have you over. Social nightmare.
Out of respect for them cut it and tell her off for beeing so intrusive!
What she did is not polite or considerate.

That's the thing, she thinks she's being ever so polite, yet it's just a rude thing to do to both us as hosts and the new friends.

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Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/05/2025 07:54

Dear MIL,

Thank you for the card (the one to us) and glad you enjoyed your stay.

I've already sent thank yous from all of us, seeing as I'd invited Jim & Mary, so no need.

Hope you're enjoying the bank holiday and manage some outings.

Lovely weather here and good to see the garden filling out and birds busy building nests.

Have a good week.

Love Trees.

If she comes back, I'm tempted to say, sorry but I feel like you don't think I know etiquette enough to thank our own guests.

Does this sound good?

Those saying to leave it to DH, he wouldn't say anything and would rather chuck it..
But I don't want to be sneaky and she should know it's not the done thing.

Although she already knows but banks on awkwardness avoidance from us to bulldoze her way.

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EggCustardTart · 05/05/2025 07:52

I have two relatives who have similar traits, although, at least one of them would have gone the other way and subjected the friends to an intrusive interrogation that the CIA would be proud of into the bargain. And then there would be Christmas cards, or random gifts to pass on, enquiries after the friend every week for the next decade. Even if they never met again.

Anyway, I wouldn't be indulging the weirdness, I'd call it out and just tell her it's ott or intense asking people for their number and then sending them things as if they visited her house not yours and just say you're not getting involved in it or acting as a go-between.
Then change the subject and if she brings it up again just say "oh you're being a bit intense again, we've been over this before" and change the subject again. Every single time. Don't give it oxygen by getting into a longer discussion about it or by appeasing her by implying you've given it to your friends.
Also, never have her over at the same time aas other people.

If you don't deal with it directly and set your boundaries at the start, you'll have to deal with the secondary weirdness for freaking years.

Susan7654 · 05/05/2025 07:22

Thats so tricky. I would def open as other advise and not pass it on. Imagine how difficult possition it must be fir your friends. They would feel obliged to invite her too when they have you over. Social nightmare.
Out of respect for them cut it and tell her off for beeing so intrusive!
What she did is not polite or considerate.

Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/05/2025 00:34

Valkyrie3 · 04/05/2025 23:07

So she wrote a letter and posters are advising you to open it and read it or not pass it on. That’s not right. It’s not addressed to you, so don’t open it. Not passing it on is sneaky. Just do the right thing. Do not open it, pass on and the chances are the new friends will think it’s a bit odd. There’s no need for you intervene in ways which make you the bad person.

I feel like new friends will think we're odd by proxy.

We're in the middle of nowhere and has been a struggle meeting people.

Finally, when we do, MIL manages to insert herself.

If they were well established friends, I'd be more comfortable saying to them how inappropriate MIL can be.

But as they're new friends, don't want to start the friendship off with MIL weirdness.

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Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/05/2025 00:31

latetothefisting · 04/05/2025 23:06

I agree, this was weird. Couldn't you have met up with them literally any other time?

Show quote history

It was already arranged and she invited herself over.

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Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/05/2025 00:29

latetothefisting · 04/05/2025 23:04

honestly OP, I wouldn't, she'll just nag/guilt trip you if you say that, and it just pushes the problem further down the road. Surely you don't want your poor friends to be drawn into communicating with this weird women. They probably already think it's weird she gave them her number, if they get a random card from her they'll think they have to respond, not to mention will probably think you and your DH are odd by extension.

I'd give a white lie like 'Yep, I put it in the postbox' (don't mention you didn't put the address on it), or 'Yes I'll take it to the post office next time I go' (i.e. you will take it with you but not take it out of your bag, and then chuck it in the bin)

If they don't text her to thank her she might think they're rude and go off them anyway, problem solved. The chances are she won't see them very often if she lives that far away, and if she does meet them again in a few years, and is so brazen as to ask if they got the card, it's completely reasonable they won't remember after so long when they got something or not, or you can always blame royal mail!

Thanks.

I'd thought of just ignoring it until she asks, then say we've done the thanks so no need.
Argh, such a palaver!

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Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/05/2025 00:25

nopineapplepizza · 04/05/2025 22:29

Why did you invite your new friends over when your “overbearing” MIL was visiting?

If I had made some new friends and they invited me round and whilst there I felt obliged to entertain a “basically mute” person who had to be “prompted to join the conversation” and then guilt tripped into given this stranger my phone number, I’d be really pissed off.

I know you can’t go back in time, but surely if you have a difficult person staying with you, you don’t inflict their difficulties on others, when you could see your new friends at a different time when your MIL wasn’t around 🤷‍♀️

As for the letter, that’s for your DH to deal with. He can tell his mother it’s inappropriate and deal with the fall out, this isn’t your problem to resolve.

The friends were booked a while back, before MIL invited herself over. (Another long story).

We cut the visit short as she was around and didn't want it to be uncomfortable for her or the new friends.

Have been kicking myself for not cancelling them but as we're their only friends, felt bad doing so.

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Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/05/2025 00:22

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 04/05/2025 22:09

All I can think reading this thread, is, how did your husband experience this woman growing up?

It feels reminiscent of highly narcissistic individuals within the family system I grew up in.

You don't get through parents like this unscathed. It causes alot of damage. I'm also wondering if your husband has a sister who potentially faired significantly worse at the hands of mama than he did? 🤷

You're right to recognise it as narcissistic, sorry you've been through such.

DH is one of three boys, whom she's belittled and controlled since they were young. More so after their DF died.

Sad to see as they're all grown men but still afraid of her.

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purpleme12 · 04/05/2025 23:10

If it was me I'd get DH to tell his mum that we wouldn't be passing on a letter from her saying thanks for visiting. Cos it's not her place to say thanks for visiting

Valkyrie3 · 04/05/2025 23:07

So she wrote a letter and posters are advising you to open it and read it or not pass it on. That’s not right. It’s not addressed to you, so don’t open it. Not passing it on is sneaky. Just do the right thing. Do not open it, pass on and the chances are the new friends will think it’s a bit odd. There’s no need for you intervene in ways which make you the bad person.

latetothefisting · 04/05/2025 23:06

nopineapplepizza · 04/05/2025 22:29

Why did you invite your new friends over when your “overbearing” MIL was visiting?

If I had made some new friends and they invited me round and whilst there I felt obliged to entertain a “basically mute” person who had to be “prompted to join the conversation” and then guilt tripped into given this stranger my phone number, I’d be really pissed off.

I know you can’t go back in time, but surely if you have a difficult person staying with you, you don’t inflict their difficulties on others, when you could see your new friends at a different time when your MIL wasn’t around 🤷‍♀️

As for the letter, that’s for your DH to deal with. He can tell his mother it’s inappropriate and deal with the fall out, this isn’t your problem to resolve.

I agree, this was weird. Couldn't you have met up with them literally any other time?

latetothefisting · 04/05/2025 23:04

honestly OP, I wouldn't, she'll just nag/guilt trip you if you say that, and it just pushes the problem further down the road. Surely you don't want your poor friends to be drawn into communicating with this weird women. They probably already think it's weird she gave them her number, if they get a random card from her they'll think they have to respond, not to mention will probably think you and your DH are odd by extension.

I'd give a white lie like 'Yep, I put it in the postbox' (don't mention you didn't put the address on it), or 'Yes I'll take it to the post office next time I go' (i.e. you will take it with you but not take it out of your bag, and then chuck it in the bin)

If they don't text her to thank her she might think they're rude and go off them anyway, problem solved. The chances are she won't see them very often if she lives that far away, and if she does meet them again in a few years, and is so brazen as to ask if they got the card, it's completely reasonable they won't remember after so long when they got something or not, or you can always blame royal mail!

AliAtHome · 04/05/2025 22:50

Make it clear you’ve thanked them on her behalf too, be clear YOU don’t want to pass on the letter (rather than censoring who she thanks), I would also say something that makes it about considering your friend’s feelings. If she asks for their address say you don’t feel comfortable passing it on without their permission.

”They’ve already thanked us for having them and we responded in kind from all of us. I don’t really want to pass on your ‘thank you’ letter as I think they will find it a bit overwhelming/over the top/odd/bat shit. Especially before we’ve got to know each other a bit better”

nopineapplepizza · 04/05/2025 22:29

Why did you invite your new friends over when your “overbearing” MIL was visiting?

If I had made some new friends and they invited me round and whilst there I felt obliged to entertain a “basically mute” person who had to be “prompted to join the conversation” and then guilt tripped into given this stranger my phone number, I’d be really pissed off.

I know you can’t go back in time, but surely if you have a difficult person staying with you, you don’t inflict their difficulties on others, when you could see your new friends at a different time when your MIL wasn’t around 🤷‍♀️

As for the letter, that’s for your DH to deal with. He can tell his mother it’s inappropriate and deal with the fall out, this isn’t your problem to resolve.