Page 2 | Sharing friends.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 2025-05-04T00:40:26+00:00

OK, it's a DMIL one. Made new friends with a couple and invited them over whilst MIL was visiting. At some point when DH & I were out of the room, she gave them her phone number. She didn't mention it until they'd left, which seemed odd and a bit sneaky. Would be one thing if they got on like a house on fire, but ahe was basically mute and had to be prompted to join in the conversation. We are in a new place, DMIL lives 6 hours away and new friends live on the next road from us. DH & I can cope with MIL in short bursts as she can be overbearing. Just when she was here, she was talking of friends who've ghosted her. There's always someone who's wronged her and she has no self awareness. The AIBU: Since she got back home, she sent us a parcel with a sealed and stamped card to be passed on to new friends as she doesn't have their address. She said the letter is a thank you for visiting. Except, they were our guests and we've already said thanks for coming. Wwyd? This sounds petty, but I don't want to share friends with MIL and neither does DH as she'll take over and probably end up spoiling the friendship, even from many miles away. Yet we're the ones living close to these people and see them about. If she were to be friends with them, we'd step back as no good would come from it. Would you pass the letter on or say not to worry, have already passed thanks for us all and bin? Haven't opened it and don't intend to, but don't want to bin without mentioning it to her. Has anyone shared friends with a MIL/ DM? YABU - Pass it on. YANBU - Don't facilitate it. Thanks.

Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 08/05/2025 17:36

LittleMonks11 · 08/05/2025 13:38

Never mention when you are seeing these potential new friends again. I was glad to read the denouement! She sounds a nightmare mother and mother in law. Be strong OP! Have you got children? Dread to think what she’d be like as a grannie 😱

Thank you, never mentioning plans, only in past tense when they've happened.
A shame as she has no awareness at all.
Either that, or she is aware, but just doesn't care, which is even worse.

OP posts:

beawant · 08/05/2025 14:06

Springhassprungxx · 04/05/2025 20:53

She's trying to Wendy you op! I have got a friend who does this.

I have a school mum 'friend' who does this. I can so see her doing this with her hapless son when he settles down.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere your MIL is controlling and lacks appropriate boundaries. Not sure you have sent the message already but I would say to her, MIL you seem to have misunderstood, these are our friends, we manage communications with them, your have form for being controlling and encroaching in inappropriate ways so we will not pass this on as we don't wish to scare away the neighbours with a MIL who acts like a stalker in the making, haha.

LittleMonks11 · 08/05/2025 13:38

Never mention when you are seeing these potential new friends again. I was glad to read the denouement! She sounds a nightmare mother and mother in law. Be strong OP! Have you got children? Dread to think what she’d be like as a grannie 😱

Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 08/05/2025 13:11

TammyJones · 08/05/2025 06:49

To be honest I was expecting much worse.
At least you can put it to bed now.

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True, could have been worse.
Sadly, that would be her testing the waters before unleashing her tentacles.

OP posts:

Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 08/05/2025 13:10

FeetLikeFlippers · 07/05/2025 21:23

Does the D in DMIL stand for delusional or demented? 🤣

Both 😂.

OP posts:

TammyJones · 08/05/2025 06:49

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 07/05/2025 21:02

Hi all, had to check with DH first and he'd had a bad day yesterday, so left it.

Asked today and he suggested burning it! 😅.
I tore it up and chucked in the bin, only for me to fish it out and read it.

DMIL said it was lovely meeting them,
thanked them for visiting DH, myself and her.
Said how lucky they were to live where they do and how she'd love to see them when she visits 🤯.

Said, in the meantime, she's happy to chat on the phone.
She included her address and phone number.

Told DH what the letter said and he's just glad it's behind us.

Just unbelievable!

To be honest I was expecting much worse.
At least you can put it to bed now.

FeetLikeFlippers · 07/05/2025 21:23

Does the D in DMIL stand for delusional or demented? 🤣

Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 07/05/2025 21:02

Hi all, had to check with DH first and he'd had a bad day yesterday, so left it.

Asked today and he suggested burning it! 😅.
I tore it up and chucked in the bin, only for me to fish it out and read it.

DMIL said it was lovely meeting them,
thanked them for visiting DH, myself and her.
Said how lucky they were to live where they do and how she'd love to see them when she visits 🤯.

Said, in the meantime, she's happy to chat on the phone.
She included her address and phone number.

Told DH what the letter said and he's just glad it's behind us.

Just unbelievable!

OP posts:

FeetLikeFlippers · 07/05/2025 18:37

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/05/2025 18:51

Sorry you were raised by one.

So intrigued by the letter after all the people saying open it 😂.

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Go on, you know you want to!

WhereIsMyJumper · 06/05/2025 22:04

FeetLikeFlippers · 06/05/2025 21:59

Possibly a covert narcissist. Unlike your classic narcissist who wants everyone to think they are important / powerful, coverts are often obsessed with people thinking they are saints and/or victims. Hence the passive-aggressive behaviour where they say nasty things in a subtle way that allows them, if challenged, to respond with “I never said that”, “ That’s not what I meant” and of course the classic “How could you accuse me of something so mean?” thus making it all about themselves and their feelings. They just love to play the victim and can’t acknowledge they are ever in the wrong. I mean, why bother going to the effort of actually BEING a nice person when you can devote all your time and energy into gaslighting people into thinking you are nice?! It’s utterly bizarre but once you identify somebody’s personality disorder and look at a list of the symptoms, all their weird behaviour suddenly falls into place!

Edited

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Absolutely this.
Always be wary of anyone who never, ever admits they’re in the wrong or apologises.
We are all in the wrong from time to time. Most normal adults can put their hands up and apologise and acknowledge they have flaws.

FeetLikeFlippers · 06/05/2025 21:59

kindnessforthewin · 05/05/2025 12:53

Goodness she sounds like my younger sister. Is there a disorder for people who have zero self awareness? So far BPD is the closest someone suggested to me on a thread of my own.

its enough to drive you mad as their requests and expectations are so detached from reality.

be lucky she lives 6 hours away, my sister moved 10 min walk from where I live after I moved in. With a baby and 2 year old, plus dog, DH and me are maxed and have had to say no to her constant inviting herself round, asking to borrow things, even askong if her friends could borrow something the other day. No matter how many times I say I don’t have capacity for anyone or anything, nothing clicks. And yes she has had many ex partners and friends, nothing is her fault. Even after one breakup she moved herself in my home for 5 weeks and drove me mad, if I bring that up, it was my fault she behaved that way.

it’s so stressful. I feel for you. They can’t make their own way in life. They want to piggy back onto yours. When the answer is yes to requests, they keep coming. When the answer is no, they have a problem.

My advice is say no. No when she invites herself over, ‘sorry we have plans’ and no when she does weird stuff like this.

what will she react like when you say no? I don’t see her as being emotional? My DS breaks down in tears telling me she’s lonely and we don’t have a family so I’m ‘disgusting’ for not making more time for her and she should be my priority…

Possibly a covert narcissist. Unlike your classic narcissist who wants everyone to think they are important / powerful, coverts are often obsessed with people thinking they are saints and/or victims. Hence the passive-aggressive behaviour where they say nasty things in a subtle way that allows them, if challenged, to respond with “I never said that”, “ That’s not what I meant” and of course the classic “How could you accuse me of something so mean?” thus making it all about themselves and their feelings. They just love to play the victim and can’t acknowledge they are ever in the wrong. I mean, why bother going to the effort of actually BEING a nice person when you can devote all your time and energy into gaslighting people into thinking you are nice?! It’s utterly bizarre but once you identify somebody’s personality disorder and look at a list of the symptoms, all their weird behaviour suddenly falls into place!

Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 06/05/2025 19:00

"Good folk are rare", the cheek of it! More like CFs are not so rare.

Sorry you had to go through that.
MIL loves to collect friends then chuck them if of no use.

We'll just say we binned the letter, hopefully will make her think twice next time.

OP posts:

NippyNinjaCrab · 06/05/2025 14:50

She's a right piece of work! If you do open it you will have to get a new envelope though. She definitely sounds like my mother, I'm nc for a few years now. She used to send cards to everyone and sign off with, good folk are rare. She would buy these little cards with verses on them to send to anyone she latched on to. She could never keep friends, her true narcissistic self showed it's ugly self eventually and she was vile about everyone, even lovely people who were very kind to her.

Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 06/05/2025 14:19

Thanks all, it's such a relief.
I posted on here just before 2am as I couldn't sleep thinking about it. Then was up at 6am.
Slept like a baby last night, just goes to show how seemingly little things can affect you if not addressed.

Will ask DH after work if he want us to open it. Part of me wants to just bin it, but another says to open is and see what she was up to.

OP posts:

kindnessforthewin · 06/05/2025 11:19

You won’t regret setting boundaries. Keep it up or the requests will keep coming.

whitewineandsun · 06/05/2025 11:04

Ah, well done for that. You're better than me.

Let her fume.

LittleBitofBread · 06/05/2025 10:16

Good update, OP. I also liked your line 'will keep it for you to pass on when you next see them.'

NippyNinjaCrab · 06/05/2025 09:38

Fab uodate, you need to open the card now lol xx

Viviennemary · 06/05/2025 07:49

BlackBean2023 · 04/05/2025 07:21

I’d pass it on and tell my friends it was from my wacky MiL but to not feel as though they had to engage with her!

That would be the sensible thing to do. I would feel tempted to open it but I don't think I would.

TammyJones · 06/05/2025 07:45

Good update.

Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/05/2025 22:05

UPDATE

I sent the below msg directly, not through the group. Figured might be easier without the feel of having an audience.

Dear MIL,

Thank you for the card (the one to DH & I) and glad you enjoyed your stay.

I've already sent thank yous from all of us, seeing as I'd invited J & R, so no need for a letter/card to thank them.

Hope you're enjoying the bank holiday and manage some outings.

Lovely weather here and good to see the garden filling out and birds busy building nests.

Have a good week.

REPLY

Hi Trees,
(Greetings, weather talk etc).....

Then!!

MIL: I sent the letter as I got the feeling R would like to keep in touch, so would be good for her to have my details.

ME: Of course, I guess she'll be in touch soon, seeing as you gave them your number.
Then attached photos of our garden and talked about flowers.

MIL: Beautiful flowers, garden looks lovely etc. Sends photos of her own garden.

ME: Thank you and yours looks beautiful too etc, enjoy the rest of the week.
Lots of love. xx

MIL: xx

No more messages.......

Well, there we have it! No passing on will be happening and my conscience is clear, hurrah!!!

Thank you so much all, the support gave me the courage to finally send the message as have been stewing for so long.

DH says she'll be fuming.

OP posts:

Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/05/2025 18:51

FeetLikeFlippers · 05/05/2025 17:26

She is a textbook covert narcissist - and I know what I’m talking about because I was raised by one. Of course the only acceptable course of action for you is to read the letter and tell us all about it!

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Sorry you were raised by one.

So intrigued by the letter after all the people saying open it 😂.

OP posts:

Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/05/2025 18:48

Rhaidimiddim · 05/05/2025 13:22

In the light of this update, please do your friends the true favour of NOT passing it on and not mentioning it to them either. They don't need to be made a target.

And you're likely to lose them as friends if you pass the parcel on, too. If I was building a new friendship with someone, I'd back off really quickly if one of their relatives made a crazy move like this ( and the potential new friends didn't nip it in the bud).

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This is what I think, they'll see us as enmeshed and it's weird being friends with somone and their Mum/MIL.
Totally regret having them all together, didn't think it through and now paying the price.

OP posts:

Original poster

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/05/2025 18:43

kindnessforthewin · 05/05/2025 12:53

Goodness she sounds like my younger sister. Is there a disorder for people who have zero self awareness? So far BPD is the closest someone suggested to me on a thread of my own.

its enough to drive you mad as their requests and expectations are so detached from reality.

be lucky she lives 6 hours away, my sister moved 10 min walk from where I live after I moved in. With a baby and 2 year old, plus dog, DH and me are maxed and have had to say no to her constant inviting herself round, asking to borrow things, even askong if her friends could borrow something the other day. No matter how many times I say I don’t have capacity for anyone or anything, nothing clicks. And yes she has had many ex partners and friends, nothing is her fault. Even after one breakup she moved herself in my home for 5 weeks and drove me mad, if I bring that up, it was my fault she behaved that way.

it’s so stressful. I feel for you. They can’t make their own way in life. They want to piggy back onto yours. When the answer is yes to requests, they keep coming. When the answer is no, they have a problem.

My advice is say no. No when she invites herself over, ‘sorry we have plans’ and no when she does weird stuff like this.

what will she react like when you say no? I don’t see her as being emotional? My DS breaks down in tears telling me she’s lonely and we don’t have a family so I’m ‘disgusting’ for not making more time for her and she should be my priority…

Gosh that's exhausting, sorry you're having to deal with all that.
Bad enough imposing herself and family, but to add on friends too!
And the cheek to say she should be the priority, gosh, the gall of some people.

Not sure what the disorder is, but should be recognised as it can drive others mad.

She's not so much emotional but will sulk and do the silent treatment.

It's exhausting as you know.

OP posts:

FeetLikeFlippers · 05/05/2025 17:26

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 04/05/2025 13:36

Sorry to hear it'sfamiliar to you, sad isn't it.
She causes issues but not so much to be called out on. Just enough to cause upset and if you were to bring it up, you're the problem.

It's silly things like taking credit for stuff in a room full of people, so correcting her would seem petty or unkind.

Show quote history

She is a textbook covert narcissist - and I know what I’m talking about because I was raised by one. Of course the only acceptable course of action for you is to read the letter and tell us all about it!