Someone please tell me if I’m being dramatic and unfair to end things over this?

So you’re his dirty little secret and he doesn’t care how hurtful this is to you? And he thinks your relationship is in the rocks? He’s probably right.
If he’s letting people think he’s single then he has no respect for you. Time to leave. Your child should never be a secret.

Well obviously you didn't do it the right way, because if it's a boundary that you want to be respected, and its not adhered too, then be prepared to walk away.

Just because they don't bend and mold to your want doesn't mean that it's justified to start dishing ultimatums.

My first thought was that he was living with his wife during the week and had a 'weekend job' when he saw you.
If you have met his family +/- close friends then I think it is probably OK if things are going well otherwise. If you are completely secret then that doesn't sound good.

With the working away every week and total reluctance to go public about you and your DC, are you sure he’s not married to someone else?!

I work with plenty of people who have never mentioned anything about their home lives. I have no idea where they live, whether they have partners, children, hobbies… They don’t owe anyone that information!

@gannett
This kind of workplace is the stuff of nightmares for me. If I found myself there I'd offer up even less information than usual
It's just not necessary or important for colleagues to know anything about my personal life

Yeah, I know what you mean but we are a relatively small team, worked with each other for years and often work 12 hour shifts together but not desk bound so do have ri.e to chat, especially if we are driving long distances together so we do know each other well.
It does have it positives. Staff can tell when you are not quite right and zoom in to be supportive and share the load.

This kind of workplace is the stuff of nightmares for me. If I found myself there I'd offer up even less information than usual.

It's just not necessary or important for colleagues to know anything about my personal life.

Is this about his colleagues or his friends? I would agree that "keeping you secret" from friends and family would be a bad sign. But it's neither unusual nor a negative to be private with colleagues. Thinking about my current team, I have no idea if two of them have partners and only barely know that one of them has a child (maybe children? no idea, she never mentions them). They probably aren't sure if I have a partner because I don't go out of my way to mention him. I'm not interested in giving my colleagues any details of my personal life. I'm not sure why you think it's necessary.

I would not accept this. My ex H told his colleagues that we had split up and that I had stopped him seeing the DC. This was completely untrue at the time. The only reason I found out is due to a friend of mine having a chance meeting with a friend of mine who knew this was bullshit! He was having an affair with a work colleague. We did split up after I found out! He was also lacking in social skills, few friends and not the type to cheat etc. Be suspicious! There’s no way he would have to make any sort of announcement if he hadn’t told them otherwise!

This is highly unusual and it would be a deal breaker for me. “Find the right words”? Madness

This is tough, OP. I’ve known work colleagues who are incredibly private and don’t share/volunteer personal information about themselves. I’ve also had a partner in the past (in an admittedly toxic relationship) who definitely didn’t want anyone he worked with to know he was in a relationship — but that was (I discovered) because he wanted to keep his options open… To me, it sounds as though your DP feels uncomfortable about having to open up — especially retrospectively if that makes sense, because it will presumably arouse many more questions than if he’d been open from the start — so if he felt awkward to begin with, he’ll feel much more so now. However, your idea of changing his WhatsApp picture sounds relatively low key to me — much easier than having to announce it in person, I think — so it’s not as though you’ve insisted he’s got to wear a placard to work saying I’M TAKEN…
I guess if you don’t think he’s doing it for nefarious reasons, you have to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you. It wouldn’t, I think, be one for me, although I would be hurt by it — but only you know if you can get over/live with this or not.

When you say his colleagues don't know about you, do you mean that he simply hasn't mentioned his family? Or has he actually lied and said he is single and childless? To me, there's a big difference. If it's the first, then YABU. And as for telling him to go in and tell them about his family, that is controlling. I don't lie about my family but I don't feel the need to tell everyone that I work with about them either. Likewise I would find it a bit odd if a relatively new colleague came into work and made a big announcement that he has a wife and child.

Well yeah that's perfectly normal. And not what the DP is doing. He's deliberately omitting OP and his child from his narrative.

There are lots of people in my building. No one goes round saying "hello, I'm Tim and I'm married."

What they do say though, is "Hi Tim, good weekend?"...."Yes thanks, went to the new Italian with my wife and her parents on Sunday, really nice food, you?"...."Yes lovely weekend, Dave and I walked the dog in the forest."

I might not know Tim was married until he made that statement, but it's of no real consequence to Tim, he's not made some huge announcement has he. Just boring normal chit chat.

He's definitely told people he's single with no children. Because otherwise it's no big deal to say so.

I manage a huge building. I changed office last month. As part of redecoration I brought in a big picture of my DTwins that I love. Most people who've been in have made one of two comments:

Oh! Are they the twins? Lovely picture.

Or

I didn't know you had twins!! (And then we have a 2 minute conversation about said twins)

It's a total non issue that someone did or didn't know. And it's certainly not weird or awkward for people to see I have twins. Your DP is talking absolute shite.

Do you know the only circumstance in which it would be weird or awkward for me to put that picture up in my office? If I'd categorically told the people I knew would see it, that I didn't have any children.

He's a liar.

There are loads of people I work with, on a daily basis .. I have no clue if they are married or have children.
I would never ask (to intrusive)and unless it comes up in general conversation (unlikely)why would they mention it?
I suppose this shows there's different work place attitudes.
At my place we know everyone's status,number OF children, child issues, health issues, marriage niggles etc! This is from the managers to the domestics.
It may be a bit too open at times to be honest!!! 😆

I’ve been with my partner just over two years and I keep finding out things that suggest his friends/family don’t know about me. Also reluctant to change his profile picture as well. I think what bothers me is that there is a reason that he is keeping me a secret and I don’t know what it is. So I feel your pain OP and we are not married or have a child together. Do you believe him when he says that they don’t have time/opportunity to talk about their personal lives at work? What is his reason that he is giving for not changing his WhatsApp picture?

I really think a relationship where you get cast as the “dramatic” one and he thinks he is “the normal one” can’t work well. His temperament is his and yours is yours. He either loves you for it, and you him, or the relationship will make each of you unhappy.

I have a client on the ASD spectrum. Her reactions to such “intrusions” at work as: people offering to hold a door, press the elevator button, send her an email, or arrange a meeting are quite different from other people’s. But they are legitimately hers and navigating the world the way she wants is important to her.

Your DP isn’t necessarily cheating on you or refusing to mention your existence for nefarious reasons. He may not be able to tolerate outsider’s attention and comment.

But he doesn’t have the right to consider your needs “over the top” or dramatic or wrong for you. Your child will also have emotional needs that need to be filled. If he isn't set up to accept and deal with her needs/your need for attachment and emotional intimacy he can’t be a good husband and father for you—his right partner will share his emotional style.

You posted about this before.

Do you see his family?

Has he kept you both completely secret from absolutely everyone?

What about important things like emergency contact and pension/death in service nominations?

Yeah this really. Him keeping you both a secret though is shit, especially his child. Who actually does that?

This is just the tip of the iceberg, I think: you aren’t in much of a relationship, its rocky, he works away all week, he worries its temporary but won’t do anything to strengthen it. How can it get stronger under these circumstances? You aren’t asking—fighting—for a symbolic solution but forcing a public acknowledgment won’t heal the gulf between your attitudes towards the relationship.

You say he may be on the spectrum? Is this because of social aspects I.e not discussing his private life? Keeping chit chat to a minimum?

I work with lots of people that I actually don’t know anything about. No idea if they have a partner or kids. Or where they live. Hobbies. Nothing. We discuss work. Nice weekend? Yes thanks. We are at work after all.

I feel upset he won’t now change his profile picture
You'd break up a family over this?

Pure emotional blackmail. Their daughter will never remember them being together.

I think you're being completely reasonable. I'd hate this.

He's dug himself into a hole now though hasn't he? Can't suddenly mention wife and child without having people ask loads of questions. So I bet he'll dig in and not do it. In which case for me the relationship is over.

I'd want a man proud to be with me.