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Original poster

To move DS for the last term of school nursery?

64 replies

Persimo · 03/05/2025 11:47

Details altered to avoid outing.

So DS will be off to reception in September. He used to go to day nursery, where he was popular and well liked, but the day nursery only take children up to 3 years old, so we then sent DS to the school nursery at our preferred primary, school A.

DS liked nursery at school A, except that there is a boy there (let's call him O) who consistently verbally and physically bullies other children, unprovoked. There are several children who O treats like this, and so my DH and I, and several other sets of parents, have gone into school to ask them to stop the bullying. School A claim to have tried to deal with the bullying, but it hasn't stopped.

The problem is, whilst my DS doesn't make a fuss about going into nursery, he unsurprisingly hates being around O. Since being picked on by O, DS's behaviour has really deteriorated. DS now cries at the drop of a hat, and seems to assume the worst of everyone now (i.e: if a child knocks over his block tower, he will now get angry and assume they did it on purpose, whereas in the past it wouldn't have phased him). DS has gone from being very gentle and sweet to being rough and aggressive with other children, he's like a completely different child.

In light of school A's inability to deal with O, DS won't be going there for Reception, he will be going to school B (other parents say it is a very happy school, great ofsted, great sats) instead. However school B doesn't have a nursery. I don't really want DS spending the last 3 months of term being picked on by O but I need the childcare, as I work full time.

There is one other nursery for DS's age group locally, again attached to a primary school (school C). School C has spaces in their nursery, but definitely wouldn't have a space for DS in reception as they are very oversubscribed.

My options are:

  1. Leave DS at school A for the rest of the academic year, and then he moves to school B for reception
  2. Move DS from school A to the nursery at school C for the last term, then he moves to school B for Reception

I am really torn and would greatly appreciate some advice.

YABU- leave DS where he is until the end of the school year
YANBU- move him, moving nursery and then to a new reception is fine

OP posts:
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YourLimeFish · 11/08/2025 12:45

Ngl alderbrook primary school is sexist

GRex · 16/05/2025 22:31

Wonderful news, thanks for the update @Persimo. I hope all continues to go well for him.

Brickiscool · 16/05/2025 20:02

.

TheignT · 16/05/2025 19:48

Persimo · 16/05/2025 18:54

So I asked DS if he wanted to move Nursery, and he said yes, so I moved him. He's been there 2 weeks so far and absolutely loves it. I am so relieved, I have my happy little boy back. He went in confidently, no tears, has made friends, and the teacher says it is like he's always been there. Thank you so much to everyone who said to move him.

Great update.

Original poster
Persimo · 16/05/2025 18:54

So I asked DS if he wanted to move Nursery, and he said yes, so I moved him. He's been there 2 weeks so far and absolutely loves it. I am so relieved, I have my happy little boy back. He went in confidently, no tears, has made friends, and the teacher says it is like he's always been there. Thank you so much to everyone who said to move him.

OP posts:
Katiebaby3009 · 11/05/2025 09:07

I went through the same situation last year with my son.
I didnt class it as bullying- the other child is neurodiverse and at that age it is really difficult to simply tell a ND child not to do something. They simply don’t understand and potentially have a lot of sensory issues going on. So I’m sure the school are trying but it is hard to deal with.
I did move my son to another school in reception and it was very hard for him. He was very anxious about the move and he definitely found it harder than the children who didn’t come from another school nursery. I think it was a bigger change for him. The new school is lovely but I do wonder if it was worth all that stress to be honest. Based on this, I wouldn’t even consider moving him for the last term as I think there will be enough changes with starting at a different school. Instead I would ask the school about a 1-1 support for the other child and ensuring they are not left unattended with my child for the remaining half term.

Original poster
Persimo · 05/05/2025 19:37

@Stegochops quite a few of the parents have become concerned about the school not managing this child. Between seeing this child at birthday parties, what DS has told me, and what other parents have seen, this isn't seeming like garden variety SEN.

I think I will move DS. Hopefully things get sorted out with O, but at the end of the day that is for school and his parents to organise, and is none of my business. My responsibility is to my DS, and I don't want him growing up thinking that being knocked about is normal.

OP posts:
Stegochops · 05/05/2025 19:22

Persimo · 05/05/2025 19:13

@Tgfrislip for me it's 100% on the school for not sorting it out. Nobody would mind what O was like if school had given him a 1 to 1 to stop him hurting the other children.

I have worked specifically with a wide variety of SEN people, and my DS has quite a few SEN friends as I would like him to learn to appreciate all the different types of people.

O is very, very neurotypical except really cold, if that's the right way of describing it. He is significantly more socially skilled than the other children (i.e: those special games of his where he generates creative reasons within the game to allow him to hurt other children), zero stims, no problems with change of routine, comes cross as quite flat/emotionless and serious. The only time he's been known to smile is when he is doing something unkind to another child. O appears to have no problem with impulse control (if another child annoys him he will find a way to get that child alone and hurt them, even if that is days later, and holds very strong grudges).

I have met, and am fond of, many many SEN people through work. Something feels off about this 4 year old, and not in an autism or adhd sort of way. I have never met a child quite like this before

You seem to know an awful lot about this child. Just do what you think is best for your DC. Either way it’s a short time period so hopefully your DC will be settled in school anyway.

Original poster
Persimo · 05/05/2025 19:13

@Tgfrislip for me it's 100% on the school for not sorting it out. Nobody would mind what O was like if school had given him a 1 to 1 to stop him hurting the other children.

I have worked specifically with a wide variety of SEN people, and my DS has quite a few SEN friends as I would like him to learn to appreciate all the different types of people.

O is very, very neurotypical except really cold, if that's the right way of describing it. He is significantly more socially skilled than the other children (i.e: those special games of his where he generates creative reasons within the game to allow him to hurt other children), zero stims, no problems with change of routine, comes cross as quite flat/emotionless and serious. The only time he's been known to smile is when he is doing something unkind to another child. O appears to have no problem with impulse control (if another child annoys him he will find a way to get that child alone and hurt them, even if that is days later, and holds very strong grudges).

I have met, and am fond of, many many SEN people through work. Something feels off about this 4 year old, and not in an autism or adhd sort of way. I have never met a child quite like this before

OP posts:
Tgfrislip · 05/05/2025 18:55

Does o have a younger sibling as kids can become agressive to other kids out of sibling jealousy
All the kids i know with behaviour issipues in nursery and reception have gone on to get sen diagnoses later.

Ideally think kid needs 1-2-1 support to watch him and intervene.
We had issues at reception but school thought instead of them having to watch the kids at breaks a parent can somehow stop a kids behaviour by just telling them off. Maybe for some kids but 100% that did not work on dc1. Go to her room, took things away. At some points loads of toys etc. It didnt help nor behaviour plans because 1 for her she wasnt intending on doing these thingx it was impulse. A reaction often to other kids behaviour or words.
Absolutely no effort was made by our school to supervise adequately.

We had so many chats like once you are 10 you are legally responsible etc it would be assault. Noone will like you. .. Etc

I guess there are a lot of behaviour problems nowadays and many parents dont tell them off so the assumption its the parents.
Anyway she is audhd and does actually have very low empathy.

stichguru · 05/05/2025 18:24

I get why you want to move him, but I wouldn't. There are no guarantees that there won't be an O at his new nursery, plus he'll be about settled in when they finish.

Stegochops · 05/05/2025 18:11

blueleavesgreensky · 05/05/2025 17:11

Mean kids yes but not dc that are being assessed for a personality disorder

Show quote history

I doubt a 3 year old is being assessed for or has a personality disorder. More likely they have a difficult home environment or they’re neurodiverse and can’t cope in the nursery environment. Either way there are lots of kids with behavioural issues everywhere.

blueleavesgreensky · 05/05/2025 17:11

Stegochops · 05/05/2025 15:08

I would be concerned that there may be another O at the new nursery. My experience as a parent is that there is usually at least one O everywhere.

Mean kids yes but not dc that are being assessed for a personality disorder

groovylady · 05/05/2025 16:34

Move him

Julimia · 05/05/2025 15:57

But it is.

CurbsideProphet · 05/05/2025 15:19

I would struggle to go to work every day knowing my small child was in an environment where the adults are not able/ willing to protect him from being physically harmed and/ or frightened.

Stegochops · 05/05/2025 15:08

I would be concerned that there may be another O at the new nursery. My experience as a parent is that there is usually at least one O everywhere.

JoshLymanSwagger · 05/05/2025 15:00

Move him.
Don't let him be bullied.

blueleavesgreensky · 05/05/2025 14:46

2chocolateoranges · 04/05/2025 13:21

I work in early years and have worked in 3 different nurseries with friends at other nurseries and I can assure you there is an O at every nursery or school.

personally I wouldn’t move my child but would encourage them to be more verbal when this child is near them.

staff do our best but to say that a nursery child is a bully is wrong, the bullying word is banded about far too much.

The O we have has additional support needs, needs 1-1 support which the LA won’t provide, their communication is minimal which is frustrating to them, we obviously can’t discuss behaviour with other parents so it may appear we aren’t doing anything to support or stop this child but I can assure you we do.

But if what you are doing involves not stopping many children being physically attacked on a daily basis then frankly you are not doing enough.

it is your job to ensure a safe environment. If you are not doing this it really isn’t of any interest nor should it be to other parents what you are doing.

if he situation is one that ultimately you can not manage then the action needs to be removing the child who is attacking other children. Dad thought this is for the unwell child, there is no excuse or valid reason any child should be unsafe in your care.

blueleavesgreensky · 05/05/2025 14:43

Julimia · 04/05/2025 12:50

I have to tell you there will always be a bully, there will always be a discrepancy as to how it is dealt with , there will always be a need to equip your own child with dealing with it strategies,there will always be a need to be rational about this. Are you going to move him at every little hiccup over the next 13+ years? Are you always going to listen to everyone else ?

The child IS being bullied here. He is 4. Not 16. At 4 he coped with bullying by having adults manage the problem. The adults are not managing the problem.

being 4 and having a known persistent bully that the school is failing to address properly is not the same as ‘moving someone every time someone is mean to them over the next 13 years’

Original poster
Persimo · 05/05/2025 14:27

The local childminders are full and I can't afford a nanny or to take the next 3 months off, so it's new nursery or stay where he is unfortunately

OP posts:
Escapingagain · 05/05/2025 14:26

If it’s for one term I’d choose a childminder. There is no point trying to make new friends and then having to move again as they all go to school together. I think that would be really confusing.

Original poster
Persimo · 05/05/2025 14:19

@BusMumsHoliday it's horrible isn't it? At the end of the day, if school handled O properly, this wouldn't be happening to the other children, and other parents wouldn't feel so negatively towards him. Both nursery classes are in one classroom, and one teacher always seems to be being poached to go and help with other classes, so realistically school stands no chance of sorting this out.

OP posts:
BusMumsHoliday · 05/05/2025 13:51

@Persimo "This boy is very bright and physically bigger than the other children, so no chance of him getting a 1:1 via an EHCP."

This isn't true. Academically able children can get EHCPs, including with 1:1. I'm not sure anyone would diagnose a conduct disorder in a pre-school child but it sounds like this child certainly needs intensive support under social and emotional health criteria and if the parents haven't applied for an EHCP (and if you know them well enough to suggest this) they definitely should. It could be that he's getting some kind of satisfaction from the other children's responses - which may be sensory, rather than emotional - or it may just be that this level of control, cruel as it is, helps him make sense of a classroom he finds overwhelming. It's horrible for both O and your DS, and - as a parent of a SEN kid who did sometimes hurt others in nursery - I can see why you've got to the end of your tether. I'm quite surprised they haven't asked O to leave (we nearly got to this point with my DS, and he was not this bad.)

I'm not sure I'd try transitioning into another nursery at this point. Is a short term nanny an option? Could you take unpaid parental leave for an extra month and pull him out early?

Percypigsyumyum · 05/05/2025 13:22

Ideally he could stay where he is for the last few months, but he sounds utterly miserable and it’s having a really detrimental effect on his behaviour so I think a move would be better. 3 months is a long time in the life of a 4 year old, I would imagine he would be happier for that time in a new nursery and meeting new people than trying to survive in his current. Also, I imagine it’s keeping you awake and hard to concentrate on work when you know he’s so unhappy, wouldn’t the move benefit your wellbeing as well if you know he is safe and happier.

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