Why are so many English people so cold and reserved?

I’m sorry but you are basing a whole nation on a few people! I hate when people say we are cold and reserved!! No we are NOT! We are some of the friendliest people out there. You’re hanging out with the wrong people. Certainly not emotionally closed. I can talk to my colleagues- a school about anything , my mental health being one for example

That’s a boss problem, not an Englishman problem. Nowadays most English people are warm, friendly or at least helpful.

It could be about temperature. I am watching a programme set in Finland at the moment and it is a very welcome change to see people portrayed who are like I am in terms of being similarly a bit more reserved, private, stoic. I think in the wet of the UK and cold of Scandinavia people bunker down alone (the Finnish thing has a lot about drinking too - something with which the Scandi countries wrestle) whereas in Italy or Spain you can be out on the streets walking up and down sea fronts in nice clothes kissing everyone on both cheeks in the wonderful sunshine.

I am not saying which culture is better but that the UK culture works well in the UK so I hope we can keep it.

@Seventell it's interesting that you say you are English as from the sounds of it you have had very little exposure to Englishness. My eldest 2dd were born in another European country, their df is from that country and I am English. We came back to England when they were 5 and 7. They technically have dual nationality but consider themselves English and would not go back to the country they were born and say they were a native of that country. Both my sons in law have one English parent and one foreign parent. The one whose dm is English clearly identifies as that whereas the one whose mother is not English has more of that culture but tempered by a public school education.

I, by the way, am very friendly to everyone at work and always help new starters. This doesn't mean I invite them home for dinner!

Yes, I agree with you.
However, at the same time, I don't think it would be hugely unusual for an English colleague to suggest art galleries you might like or to bring in cakes. I've seen some comments where people mention OP's Italian boss and say "Oh but that's unusual" not to me it's not. Not at all.
I'm very English in that I'm reserved (and also shy) but I've always built up very meaningful relationships with my colleagues and managers. Here are some recent examples.
Current English manager:

1. my current manager knows I love tea and often brings in unusual teas he thinks I might like to try.
2. he brings us all posh biscuits and cakes on a weekly basis. We've had to ask him to stop as it was too much!
3. he often suggests places we might like to visit nearby
4. he buys us Christmas, birthday and Easter presents
5. he invited is to his wedding
6. he takes a real Interest in everything we say. He often refers to things I mentioned in passing a couple of years ago (not work related things). I'm amazed he remembers these small things. He asks a lot about our lives (not in an intrusive way) and tells us about his life.
7. when he goes on holiday he brings us treats from that country.

My previous English manager:

1. he also took an interest in my life and told me a lot about his family. I got to know his wife and grandchildren
2. if ever he went somewhere interesting he'd bring me back a leaflet about it, in case I wanted to go.
3. I was his PA and he bought me beautiful gifts for Christmas including a lovely vase and a painting.
4. he knew I like to read so when he finished a book he'd bring it in for me to borrow.
5. he left our organisation a couple of years ago but phones me every 6 months or so just to see how I'm doing, how my family are and let me know his news. This is because we'd developed such a good relationship that didn't end the second I stopped working for him.

I see OP has only been in her job 2 weeks, so just ten days with colleagues. I'd advise OP to give it time. Continue to be warm and chatty and I'm sure OP will also develop close and meaningful relationships with colleagues. Having lived in Spain and other countries, I actually feel its easier to get closer to English people, once you've got past the reserve!

You said every day though. Was it really every day? Of course people bake and bring stuff into work, Jacob’s join at Christmas but every day ?

Those are all quite English values (and a very English value judgement too).

Can you see how people prioritising these values in their interactions with people from other places might come across as cold or reserved, or both?

Yes. But also a case maybe of them and the OP genuinely having different ideas about what friendliness is and how it should be expressed.

I think you’re in reverse culture shock but you are also ‘right’ in that in parts of England people can be very reserved. And passive aggression is very common in these areas as for some reason people just cannot bring themselves to say directly what they are clearly longing to. I moved back from another very different culture not so long ago and am struggling with the same things, finding the reserve and lack of directness confusing and tiresome at times. The worst ones are couples who decide you are behaving terribly so tut and make pointed remarks to each other without actually telling you what you’re doing wrong. So many examples - going past them on the pavement when they’re walking very slowly; reaching an inch around them to grab a run off a supermarket shelf after they block the entire section and stand there discussing each item for 10 minutes; my son being startled when their dog barks suddenly next to me (automatic reaction after being nearly attacked by street dogs where we used to live) etc etc.
I’m focusing on the many positives there are for us living in the UK but at times people like this have made me just come home and have a good cry.

Because of respecting other people's privacy and boundaries and politeness that includes seeing others as competent. So no need to research art places and give someone a list. Just rude and overbearing.

😂

I was one of the people who defended the English and I am not English by birth. I am from a loud, extroverted country where you invite people to dinner the day you meet them and always open your front door, even if it's a serial killer.🙂

Different countries have different ways of showing warmth though. Not everyone needs to be like me.

Agree.

The defensive huffing on this thread is a case of ladies who doth protest too much, methinks.

I think it's very variable. I've been taken out for lunch on my first day, completely ignored and not spoken to the entire day, sat down at a table in the canteen to have a new colleague physically move away from me as though I had the plague.Three different work places, very different experiences. We are not a warm nation on the whole. But then we don't fake it either.

Are you joking? The UK is one of the most diverse countries in the world. In fact, spend any amount of time in Central London and you're unlikely to come across many born and bred Londoners at all.

You've only been there ten days, give them some time - if nothing else, it's horrible to dump a new person with all manner of other demands when they're trying to get their head around a new job.

Maybe you'd feel better if you tried taking them cake? Not everybody would want or be able to eat it, so do something that it's not a problem to take back home if there are a lot of leftovers - but make sure you take the IT department some, as they are the #1 people to get on side.

This type of comment has been made several times on this thread. Where I live people generally do get involved with those they work with and often socialise outside of work.

I also wonder how many of those falling over themselves to tell OP how friendly the English are would turn out to be the same posters who won't open their door to anyone who hasn't made an appointment, has a conniption fit if a stranger speaks to them, wants nothing to do with their neighbours etc. - all signs of a not particularly friendly nation in my opinion.

Of course I've heard of stiff upper lip but I think that's dying out more and more. Anyway I honestly didnt realise the English were seen as introverted by other European nations.

It’s ironic that a thread about the cold and
reserved English. has turned mostly in a slanging match, with OP, initially reaching out to find warm and open people on these fair Isles is throwing some serious punches!

Said lightheartedly!

When people make massive generalisations about other people, it can often be about they themselves. I’m English, I live and work in London, most people I meet are friendly. My work colleagues are lovely. I live in a friendly community. Maybe it’s you OP.

You say that English people are known to be reserved. Maybe we are until we get to know people - we don’t throw ourselves at them. That would be weird. English people are also known for being very creative and having a fantastic sense of humour too. There’s lots of good things about the English. Look for those things instead.

Well in my experience, born and lived in England all 52 years, it’s just hit a miss. Some people are incredibly warm and friendly to everyone with others there’s a definite play of unconscious bias going on where I’ve felt horribly excluded. It’s not right to say ‘all English people’ though. I think the contrast is greater for you right now because of the other maybe more open interactions you’ve had are so fresh in your mind. Remember we are an island with generally bad weather to boot - so acclimatising back to us may take a while! 😅

It’s quite common now on MN for posters who don’t like / agree with someone else’s comment to accuse them of being bots

No acceptance that someone else might have a different point of view

I saw you upthread making some nasty accusatory comments so the veil has definitely slipped 😂😂

It was and disturbing too.

That is until several posters pointed it out that due to such strange responses by the poster in question they were likely a bot. I had never even considered that tbh but I won't make that mistake again!

You see this sounds very odd to me. British people always talk about their weekends and lives in general, with work colleague. Every Friday in my team we all ask colleagues what their weekend plans are. Every Monday we ask each other "How was your weekend?". We talk about everything- what we're having for dinner, what we're watching on TV, stuff our kids and partners are doing. My colleagues and I generally chat easily all day long.
It just doesn't make sense to me that your British colleague would be shocked that ask asked about her weekend! That's the most common question to be asked by a colleague in a British workplace!!!
I think maybe you just have very strange colleagues or there's something about the way you're asking questions that's making people react in an odd way.
Every single thing you're saying about your interactions with English people sounds strange to me. None of it sounds familiar and I've worked in the UK for 30 years.

Plus she was female … if her male boss starts doing that probably get accused of harassment!