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Why are so many English people so cold and reserved?

507 replies

Seventell · 03/05/2025 08:35

Im English myself. But i havent lived In England for a long time.

Ive had a nice career and ive lived and worked all over Europe. I most recently, was living in Italy.

My female boss in italy was so nice.

The first day that i was there, she asked me what i liked to do, i said that i liked to go to art classes. She told me about all the art museums in the area.

She looked up art classes for me to go to.
She also used to bring in little cakes for me every day. She said things like "if you ever need help with anything, ask me" my other colleagues were all really nice to me aswell. They would invite me out for dinners, and they were all so kind.

Ive just moved back to England two weeks ago. Im just shocked! My boss here is so cold. But not just cold. He seems really emotionally stunted, like he is barely able to have a conversation.
My other colleagues are like that aswell. They are really cold.
Ive also gone out to groups and ive seen that english people are much colder in these groups, then people are in other countries that ive lived in

Its just made me think - what has happened to english people. A lot of them seem so emotionally stunted and emotionally damaged.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 06/05/2025 16:37

Seventell · 06/05/2025 16:21

I'm still struggling.

I was working on shift with a man and a woman today. Myself and the woman were doing a task together.

I smiled when i saw her
. I said to her "hiya how was your week, did you have a nice bank holiday yesterday" she said one word..."yeah".

We were ten mins early for our shift, so I said to her "Im going to the tea room to make tea, would you like a cup of tea"?
She said one word "no".

I came out. We went into the room. I'm pretty new in the job so she was showing me how to do somehthing.

She said "this is what we are doing, take notes. "Then she just said a load of work tasks at me. Now the work part is fine . We are there to work, but she never said one non work related thing to me. She never asked me how my week was, was i doing anything at the weekened, anything. She didnt Even say anything about the weather. It was like talking to a robot.
There's no chat even on breaks. Its so serious.
I tried to ask her a few questions about her life, but I just got one word answers.

Some people are just so cold here, and i feel very sad here.

I guess if i'm this miserable here , i should probably leave. Maybe in a few months

Edited

She just wants to get on with work.

i wonder whether the issue is that because you are new you need to make social connections at work in order to have interactions with people.
she doesn’t she is just there to put her head down and work - which is fine and her preference

are you are similar age - I know when I started I went for lunch talked a lot to people etc but by the time I left 20 years later I just wanted to get through the day and come home my needs had changed

KnittyNell · 06/05/2025 16:33

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:09

The English are definitely known for their stiff upper lip!

That stiff upper lip got us through two world wars.

Seventell · 06/05/2025 16:21

I'm still struggling.

I was working on shift with a man and a woman today. Myself and the woman were doing a task together.

I smiled when i saw her
. I said to her "hiya how was your week, did you have a nice bank holiday yesterday" she said one word..."yeah".

We were ten mins early for our shift, so I said to her "Im going to the tea room to make tea, would you like a cup of tea"?
She said one word "no".

I came out. We went into the room. I'm pretty new in the job so she was showing me how to do somehthing.

She said "this is what we are doing, take notes. "Then she just said a load of work tasks at me. Now the work part is fine . We are there to work, but she never said one non work related thing to me. She never asked me how my week was, was i doing anything at the weekened, anything. She didnt Even say anything about the weather. It was like talking to a robot.
There's no chat even on breaks. Its so serious.
I tried to ask her a few questions about her life, but I just got one word answers.

Some people are just so cold here, and i feel very sad here.

I guess if i'm this miserable here , i should probably leave. Maybe in a few months

OP posts:
Tripleblue · 05/05/2025 11:14

Op you are correct but it's a good thing - it's based on respect for privacy, seeing others as competent and always considering others feelings and treating people fairly. This then translates into law and order and economic success. Which is why most of the world have tried to move here in the last few decades.
The overbearing behaviour youve described is control freakery, lack of boundaries and remember people will expect you to put the same effort in for them.
You will make friends in a few years time. They'll be quality.

Tripleblue · 05/05/2025 11:06

Dappy777 · 03/05/2025 10:37

Of all the national stereotypes I have read on MN this is the silliest and least accurate. The UK may be many things, but insular it is not. On the contrary, it's an exceptionally cosmopolitan place.

First of all, the British share a common language with the US, Australia, Canada and New Zealand. So Brits read American novels, watch Australian TV shows, and so on. A Romanian, for example, who only speaks Romanian might watch stuff with subtitles or read translations, but he isn't plugged into a vast transnational culture in his own language.

Second, the UK has always had a large immigrant population. And I don't just mean people who move there permanently, I mean people who spend time there for work or study. Heathrow is one of the busiest airports on the world. Countries like Finland, Chile, etc don't have that. They don't have huge numbers of people coming and going.

Third, London is a vast international city. It's one of the most famous cities in the world, up there with Paris and Rome and New York. Many countries don't have that either. Like Paris or Berlin, London draws in writers, artists, bohemians, etc...people who find small towns and villages stultifying. I met countless foreigners in London who moved there because they were musicians or painters or poets and felt suffocated in their home country. I know a Spanish musician who grew up in a small village and moved to London to pursue her music career and meet "more arty, interesting people". You can tell the difference between people who've grown up in countries with a huge capital city and those that haven't.

Fourth, the British are big travellers. Huge numbers of Americans, in contrast, don't even own a passport.

Finally, the UK contains two of the most famous universities in the world – Oxford and Cambridge. Both draw in students from all over the world, especially the English-speaking world. Many Americans, Canadians and Aussies have a romantic attachment to Oxford, and associate it with people like Oscar Wilde or novels like Brideshead Revisited. In fact, many intellectuals from the English-speaking world are drawn to the UK by its history and culture. They grow up reading the canon of British literature – Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Blake, Wordsworth, Jane Austen, Dickens, etc – and long to make a pilgrimage to the Yorkshire moors to see where the Brontes lived, or to Bath for the Jane Austen festival, or to see where Charles Darwin lived, where Oscar Wilde studied, where Isaac Newton made his discoveries, or whatever. The UK is incredibly lucky in that respect. It has drawn in many brilliant intellectuals from the English-speaking world, from Henry James, Oscar Wilde and T S Eliot to Bill Bryson and Clive James.

The UK is exceptionally non-insular.

Why do you make make men default humans.

Casperroonie · 05/05/2025 09:29

Blueskies25 · 04/05/2025 16:32

It’s not brainwashing, a lot of people don’t trust their employers and for very good reason a lot of the time

This lady sounds unhinged actually. Perhaps the Italians felt sorry for her and put up with her weirdness and unprofessionalism?!?!?!

ArtTheClown · 04/05/2025 23:31

People are definitely more emotional , friendly and kind in spain and italy, in my opinion.

Italy - I have never been so blatantly stared at in my life. Just open gawping, continuously.

Blueskies25 · 04/05/2025 23:12

mathanxiety · 04/05/2025 20:16

Thats exactly what the OP has been saying throughout this thread.

You've described the coldness and reserve very well.

That doesn’t just apply to the UK though as even though I previously worked in London, I no longer work in the country and see it here as well, that’s my point

gamerchick · 04/05/2025 22:39

Seventell · 04/05/2025 16:38

Well thanks for all the replies. I dont want to discuss it anymore.

In my opinion a lot of English people are a lot more cold and reserved than other countries. Thats just how it is. Thats their culture.

I think part of it comes from attitudes that have been passed down. England as a country was often the aggressor in world history in the past, and i think it has left some people with a cold, aggressive attitude. And a lack of empathy for others.

Not all people. But some. There are also of course many lovely English people

Have a nice day everyone.

Edited

Spent yourself slagging off the English have you?

The word reserved has lost all meaning you've said it so many times.

One thing I've noted is you seem to know the ancestry of every single person you know. How do you know, do you interrogate them on their bloodlines? There might be a reason people are swerving you.

Sjh15 · 04/05/2025 21:53

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:04

Its definitely been a culture shock!
People are definitely more emotional , friendly and kind in spain and italy, in my opinion.

I think to be so emotionay closed, is a sign of emotional damage.

English people are also known around europe for being "cold and reserved". Thats how english people are known.

Like ive heard spanish and italian people say that they think that English people are very difficult to talk to, because they are so reserved.

I just wonder what happened.

I think part of it is island isolation. The UK is quite alone. The UK is definitely more alone than most other European countrie.

Because its an island.

And when you dont mix with a lot of other countries, you can get very introverted and insular.

I’m a bit more ‘reserved’ with people and I’m an adult mum of 2.
reason - Covid lockdown immediately into a pregnancy, mat leave, went back to work part time and am on second mat leave. Lost friends who didn’t want to know me after the first baby, gave up with people by the second and now don’t know how to talk to people

nothing about the UK being an island! Possibly lockdown and social media!

oh and possibly rude assumptions from strangers….

WilfredsPies · 04/05/2025 21:45

I’m in the south; I’ve never had any problems making friends. Inside or outside of work. It’s probably easier to dismiss an entire country as cold, reserved and unfriendly than consider the possibility that there might be something inherently dislikable about you, that means people aren’t particularly inclined to be friends with you.

Reserved, some of us might be. But we’re also very good at spotting insincerity and superficiality from a mile away.

ArtTheClown · 04/05/2025 21:34

I think part of it comes from attitudes that have been passed down. England as a country was often the aggressor in world history in the past, and i think it has left some people with a cold, aggressive attitude. And a lack of empathy for others.

Perhaps it's not the place for you then.

Swiftie1878 · 04/05/2025 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DiligentFlautist · 04/05/2025 20:46

OP, this is silly. You’ve been living in England
for two weeks. You’ve basically got the level of insight of a first-time tourist. Come back after you’ve lived, worked and socialised in England for a couple of years.

mathanxiety · 04/05/2025 20:16

Blueskies25 · 04/05/2025 16:09

Ive adjusted my own attitude at work.
I was very used to the open, emotional, very friendly way of my workplace in italy

In most work environments this kind of behaviour would be considered ‘too much’, a lot of people don’t see work colleagues as friends and don’t want to have open and emotional chats with them especially about personal issues and their personal lives

Thats exactly what the OP has been saying throughout this thread.

You've described the coldness and reserve very well.

pimplebum · 04/05/2025 18:21

think part of it comes from attitudes that have been passed down. England as a country was often the aggressor in world history in the past, and i think it has left some people with a cold, aggressive attitude. And a lack of empathy for others.

a generations back my ancestors were Irish and back a bit more french then Scandinavian

so I think my “cold aggression” comes from reading shite on Mumsnet and not my Englishness

😆😆😆😆

BitOutOfPractice · 04/05/2025 18:12

Seventell · 04/05/2025 16:28

Yes.

See thats how brainwashed you are, that you think sharing a common interest with your boss is not even possible!

Brainwashed? How very odd you should say that about me when you are the one who seems to have assimilated some very set ideas and seem reluctant to change your views or listen to other ideas.

I don’t have a boss (I am the boss!) but share interests with many of my colleagues, socialise with them, and have built genuine friendships with many of them. I really do like the people I work with.

I have never, however, heard of a boss and employee reading poetry together. I can’t put my finger on why I think that’s odd. But I do. Maybe I am just a philiistine.

BuildbyNumbere · 04/05/2025 18:11

Seventell · 04/05/2025 16:38

Well thanks for all the replies. I dont want to discuss it anymore.

In my opinion a lot of English people are a lot more cold and reserved than other countries. Thats just how it is. Thats their culture.

I think part of it comes from attitudes that have been passed down. England as a country was often the aggressor in world history in the past, and i think it has left some people with a cold, aggressive attitude. And a lack of empathy for others.

Not all people. But some. There are also of course many lovely English people

Have a nice day everyone.

Edited

Thank God this has ended. Please take your negative, nasty, racist, stereotypical views elsewhere.
Disgusting thread and disgusting final comment.

Truetoself · 04/05/2025 18:09

I have been to manu social gathering and have also noted the nativw Brits are more reserves. I seem to get on well with the whole group but whilst the south asian ladies would make a plan for the next meet up, the native Brits almost never do. My immigrant neighbours tell me to pop in whenever and my native British neighbours need to make a plan …. A long way ahead.

it takes longer to establish friendships with the native Brits than people from other countries. I lived abroad where everyone was an expat and it was the same there

FakeParticleExpert · 04/05/2025 17:14

Botanybaby · 04/05/2025 16:49

Well since princess has spoken no one needs discuss your rude nasty view on their own culture.

You have a very inflated sense of self it's very off putting

As he/she is not coming back now, I feel I can say that I've never come across anyone on MN with such a lack of self-awareness! One of the most entertaining threads I've read. I'd love to hear the other side from his/her colleagues and meditation group members (both British and overseas)! 🤣🤣🤣

Botanybaby · 04/05/2025 16:49

Seventell · 04/05/2025 16:38

Well thanks for all the replies. I dont want to discuss it anymore.

In my opinion a lot of English people are a lot more cold and reserved than other countries. Thats just how it is. Thats their culture.

I think part of it comes from attitudes that have been passed down. England as a country was often the aggressor in world history in the past, and i think it has left some people with a cold, aggressive attitude. And a lack of empathy for others.

Not all people. But some. There are also of course many lovely English people

Have a nice day everyone.

Edited

Well since princess has spoken no one needs discuss your rude nasty view on their own culture.

You have a very inflated sense of self it's very off putting

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/05/2025 16:41

Seventell · 04/05/2025 15:32

Ive adjusted my own attitude at work.

I was very used to the open, emotional, very friendly way of my workplace in italy.

Everyone was like my best friend. We all went out for dinners. We all laughed in the office, and I read poetry with my boss.

Im afraid that if im like that now, it will be seen as " too much "in my workplace in the UK.

So ive adjusted myself to become more reserved. Instead of going in and asking them about their week , their families, are they going anywhere nice on holiday this year. Ive just been talking to them about work. Its just a different culture. Theyre more reserved, so now im more reserved.

You do start to become like the people around you!

It's been ten days.

Seventell · 04/05/2025 16:38

Well thanks for all the replies. I dont want to discuss it anymore.

In my opinion a lot of English people are a lot more cold and reserved than other countries. Thats just how it is. Thats their culture.

I think part of it comes from attitudes that have been passed down. England as a country was often the aggressor in world history in the past, and i think it has left some people with a cold, aggressive attitude. And a lack of empathy for others.

Not all people. But some. There are also of course many lovely English people

Have a nice day everyone.

OP posts:
Blueskies25 · 04/05/2025 16:32

Seventell · 04/05/2025 16:28

Yes.

See thats how brainwashed you are, that you think sharing a common interest with your boss is not even possible!

It’s not brainwashing, a lot of people don’t trust their employers and for very good reason a lot of the time

Seventell · 04/05/2025 16:28

BitOutOfPractice · 04/05/2025 16:15

You read poetry with your boss? Ok.

Did you also scream in the Sistine Chapel?

Yes.

See thats how brainwashed you are, that you think sharing a common interest with your boss is not even possible!

OP posts:
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