Why are so many English people so cold and reserved?

Glad you accept it's not just English people who live in the UK. Many nationalities could appear "cold" and "reserved". As an English person,I take offence at your thread title.

I still think it is pretty simple - in cold countries like Scandinavia, UK, other bits of Northern Europe we are inside more and are a bit less outgoing. In hot places like Spain and Greece and Italy it is much warmer outside and people are out and about and bit louder.

May be global warming will make those from the North of Europe like those from the South.

Why is it always the English that get bashed? It's as though we are fair game. Yet do the same to any other nationality and you'd be called xenophobic.

Sorry but you are the common denominator in all of this. 68 million people are not rude, cold and reserved. If you changed that to a skin colour- you would be called racist. Please stop with the hate.

Good god woman, where do you find all these people? I’m foreign and down south too, and I sort of know where you’re coming from, but I’ve been here 30 years and it doesn’t register anymore. But you do come across in your posts as a bit full on.

Have you read Americanah? I recommend it. It’s about an immigrant woman.

Back to British etiquette. Pause. Breathe. Seriously. There is a pause between meeting someone and asking them what did you do at the weekend. And frankly it is a bit odd if you only just met me. We like to meet, meet again and say Hi, meet again and say ‘haven’t seen you in a while’, meet again and say ‘how have you been ‘ and then we go into how was your weekend. It feels intrusive to meet me like 3 minutes ago and ask me straight up: how was your weekend. Cause that’s my personal time, personal information. An awful lot of people here are lonely and find the question excruciating, they haven’t seen or spoken to anyone the whole weekend. Let me get to know you before I tell you I did fuck all/met my daughter for lunch/ran 5k etc. I don’t know why, but it’s how it is.

Also, there is a lot of context to everything we do. I wouldn’t let you make me a coffee at the office. And I bloody love coffee. But it comes across as a bit too keen, I suppose, you only just met me. Out of work, visiting, of course, yes thank you. But not at work.

Friendly and overfamiliar are two different things.

So, if you met me today and want to be friendly, when we’re in the coffee room, ask me if I’m reading anything good, is that through a book club, do I prefer paper copies to kindle etc. That’s ok
If we’re at the desk and I’m showing you what needs to be done and how and you start asking about what I did at the weekend, I’ll think you’re not focusing on the job/not interested. Worse if you ask me if I want a coffee, no mate, I want to show you how things are done. You’re very welcome to say: I need a drink before we start, give me two seconds. I might join you in making my own coffee, but don’t offer to make me one. Not for a while yet.
Pause. Breathe. Read the room. In fact, reading the room is going to be the hardest thing to learn, it’s so nuanced and subtle and ‘we must have a coffee sometimes’ doesn’t mean that at all.

If you are good looking women usually see other women like that as a threat

At the boards game group, it was women who were rude to me

I had thought that might have been the case, a newcomer who was possibly going to take attention away from them,

@Seventell I have to say,
I've never met people as rude and nasty and cold as I have in England. A lot of them seem to be really abusive.

It appears to me that this perceived behavior only follows you, perhaps there is a reason for this. You seem to be the underling factor in every incident, yet you accuse a majority of 50 million people of being cold, rude and nasty.

You, really need to have a hard look at yourself and your attitude.

That is really rude. I would give that feedback to the organisers.

I think some people can be quite insular and scared of anyone or anything new, they sort of get that deer in the headlights look.

Is it mainly the women or men in England that you find rude?

I’ve recently started a new job in London. All the (English) people are lovely - very warm, caring and kind. I think you’ve just been unlucky

As someone not English by origin, I often think the English are so hard on themselves.

The pp who claims men can be sacked for saying good morning is on glue! 🙄

Pretty cold manner yourself op, but i guess you are english...

Also, 'stiff upper lip' is more about stoicism and 'keep calm and carry on' than 'coldness.

It's also a few decades out of date, but then so are most of the stereotypes the OP is throwing around.

I lived in Northern Italy for several years and found the people quite reserved. They can be very warm when you get to know them but on the street they keep to themselves. "Bella figura" culture, and the fact that Italy is quite a 'low trust' society means that Italians are quite suspicious of getting involved with strangers.

The stereotype of the exuberant, outgoing Italian is more of a Southern Italy thing, and not entirely true there either in my experience.

@Chiseltip thanks for letting me know I could get about 10 men sacked for saying good morning to me today alone 🙄 Are you on glue? Or a man? Because what you describe is so patently untrue and just plain bonkers I don’t know where to start with it.

@Seventell you don’t want to talk any more? That’s not very friendly is it? 😂

How many poor men have been sacked where you are for saying good morning to a woman where you work? Just for that comment alone.

Why on earth are you implying that all English people are emotionally damaged or emotionally stunted. How incredibly and inexcusably rude of you.

You don't want to discuss it anymore? Then that is you choosing not to engage, not us being unfriendly!

As for being "cold and reserved" - we may be reserved, we see it as polite and respectful not to wear out hearts on our sleeve and be emotional all over the place. But we are not cold.

The "cold aggressive attitude" and "lack of empathy" is simply not true. Amongst other things, the English (or actually more generally British) are known for:

• Having a sense of fair play/fairness.
• We love an underdog too!
• Being kind and sentimental towards animals.
• Having a health/social wellfare system that in general means vulnerable/disabled people don't end up living on the streets, and illness isn't a financially ruinous thing. (I may be comparing this to outside EU as that's my experience of other cultures!)

These are not things associated with a lack of empathy.

Actually empathy is an interesting thing for you to mention. Because empathy is about feeling another person's feelings/situation. For example, if someone clearly doesn't want to talk, it's empathetic to take the hint and not keep on pushing it when they are clearly uncomfortable. Perhaps also understanding that they are shy, or overwhelmed, or having a bad day/time in their life, or whatever. Getting cross because someone isn't gushingly friendly is the opposite of empathy.

That said, it does sound slightly odd that no-one chatted to you after the meditation. But that's not representative of all English people - if it was, I wouldn't find it odd!

As a PP said, there's a difference between a sort of shallow friendliness, where people are friendly on the surface but actually don't consider you a friend/close friend, and friendliness where people have accepted you and you are really, properly friends. It is something that has been said about the British before - it's actually much more straightforward to only show the level of friendliness you really mean.

Your best bet in making friends is to follow your interests in terms of groups, evening classes, and so on. But crucially - don't come on too strong! Don't be determined to make friends with everyone. Just live your life, and enjoy the groups for what they are - enjoy the meditation, or art class, or whatever you choose. Gradually there will be one or two people who you chat to and get to know a bit more and eventually you'll make friends.

Work isn't the best place for making friends (although it does happen quite a lot), as we do tend to keep professional and home life somewhat separate. I once worked somewhere where the boss was friendly and it became a nightmare because they became controlling and demanding, made opinionated comments about my life. After I left it was like healing from an abusive romantic relationship. A professional distance would have avoided that. However, I made friends with another colleague there. I think work friends generally need to be the same job grade as you!

Good luck - and another recommended for the book "Watching the English" by Kate Fox. It would actually be really useful for you to read.

It's the fear of complaints, not the process.