Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why are so many English people so cold and reserved?

507 replies

Seventell · 03/05/2025 08:35

Im English myself. But i havent lived In England for a long time.

Ive had a nice career and ive lived and worked all over Europe. I most recently, was living in Italy.

My female boss in italy was so nice.

The first day that i was there, she asked me what i liked to do, i said that i liked to go to art classes. She told me about all the art museums in the area.

She looked up art classes for me to go to.
She also used to bring in little cakes for me every day. She said things like "if you ever need help with anything, ask me" my other colleagues were all really nice to me aswell. They would invite me out for dinners, and they were all so kind.

Ive just moved back to England two weeks ago. Im just shocked! My boss here is so cold. But not just cold. He seems really emotionally stunted, like he is barely able to have a conversation.
My other colleagues are like that aswell. They are really cold.
Ive also gone out to groups and ive seen that english people are much colder in these groups, then people are in other countries that ive lived in

Its just made me think - what has happened to english people. A lot of them seem so emotionally stunted and emotionally damaged.

OP posts:
AquaPeer · 03/05/2025 09:33

Cloudyvibes · 03/05/2025 09:31

Having been around Europe myself I have never found anyone saying that the English are cold and reserved. That’s not how English people are known at all.

What a very strange thread.

Ah it’s not strange we love a bit of English bashing. Don’t you know that by just not being English you’re automatically BETTER AT EVERYTHING on MN?

Neemie · 03/05/2025 09:33

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:04

Its definitely been a culture shock!
People are definitely more emotional , friendly and kind in spain and italy, in my opinion.

I think to be so emotionay closed, is a sign of emotional damage.

English people are also known around europe for being "cold and reserved". Thats how english people are known.

Like ive heard spanish and italian people say that they think that English people are very difficult to talk to, because they are so reserved.

I just wonder what happened.

I think part of it is island isolation. The UK is quite alone. The UK is definitely more alone than most other European countrie.

Because its an island.

And when you dont mix with a lot of other countries, you can get very introverted and insular.

You are talking nonsense now. London is probably the most international city in Europe. The UK is a very international country. Presumably that is a legacy of having had a big empire.

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:32

Cloudyvibes · 03/05/2025 09:31

Having been around Europe myself I have never found anyone saying that the English are cold and reserved. That’s not how English people are known at all.

What a very strange thread.

Youve never heard people say that english people are cold and reserved?

Surely youve heard of the saying

"English people have a stiff upper lip". Which is a very popular saying

That saying means that english people dont show much emotion.

OP posts:
SapporoBaby · 03/05/2025 09:32

Not being overly involved and ecstatically friendly to you is not the same as being cruel OP. Adjust your expectations and make friends outside of work. Alternatively, yes, perhaps the UK and its culture isn’t one you like.

Cloudyvibes · 03/05/2025 09:31

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:04

Its definitely been a culture shock!
People are definitely more emotional , friendly and kind in spain and italy, in my opinion.

I think to be so emotionay closed, is a sign of emotional damage.

English people are also known around europe for being "cold and reserved". Thats how english people are known.

Like ive heard spanish and italian people say that they think that English people are very difficult to talk to, because they are so reserved.

I just wonder what happened.

I think part of it is island isolation. The UK is quite alone. The UK is definitely more alone than most other European countrie.

Because its an island.

And when you dont mix with a lot of other countries, you can get very introverted and insular.

Having been around Europe myself I have never found anyone saying that the English are cold and reserved. That’s not how English people are known at all.

What a very strange thread.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 03/05/2025 09:31

I’ve Lived in a Med country where people immediately wanted to know how much you earned, how much rent you were paying, what you paid for this or that, you name it.
Give me a bit of polite reserve any day.

While we’re on national generalisations, how about Scandis and the Dutch being very ‘direct’, which is often a polite way of saying rude?

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:30

Ilovemyshed · 03/05/2025 09:23

I think you are mistaken. Its more about privacy and respect for privacy. Personally I think its inappropriate for work colleagues to be mates with few exceptions.

Also you need to give people time to warm to you and accept you into their circle.

Why would it be inapppropriate for work colleagues to be mates though.?

Im still friends with some people that i worked with ten years ago.

My mum still talks to a woman that she worked with in the 1970s!

OP posts:
Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:28

DiligentFlautist · 03/05/2025 09:25

There you go again, making huge generalisations about an entire population, based on a tiny sample. The majority of Irish people were utterly horrified by those protests.

I never said that all Irish people were protesting about immigrants, did i? Of course all irish people werent protesting against immigrants.

So in fact it you who made the generalisation. I said there was a protest about immigrants, in Ireland recently. Which there was

I know, as I have Irish friends, and they were talking to me a lot about it . Its important to talk about whats happening in places

OP posts:
DiligentFlautist · 03/05/2025 09:25

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:14

Werent there just huge protests in Ireland, about immigrants coming into Ireland?

There you go again, making huge generalisations about an entire population, based on a tiny sample. The majority of Irish people were utterly horrified by those protests.

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:24

frozendaisy · 03/05/2025 09:23

Move back @Seventell whilst you still can!

Haha :)

OP posts:
ArtTheClown · 03/05/2025 09:24

I'm an immigrant and I don't find English/British people cold and reserved in the slightest.
Maybe don't move to Germany or the Scandi countries though!

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 03/05/2025 09:23

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:21

Well im not fully english. Im mixed. I was born in england. But my parents werent english. They were both from other european countries.

And ive lived in a lot of different european countries.

I just moved to england and i feel so unhappy and lonely. People have been so cruel and cold to me.

Maybe it was a mistake to move here

People have been cruel? I don't think that's a normal English trait. Do you mean colleagues? Or just strangers?

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:23

Baital · 03/05/2025 09:17

Read 'Watching the English' by Kate Fox. It's very accurate 😂 there are unspoken rules about privacy and how to show friendliness.

I was relieved to come back after a decade or so overseas, and have made friends so easily here, in my home culture, that I never truly made elsewhere.

I must watch that!

Maybe i will get more used to being here after a couple of months.

OP posts:
Ilovemyshed · 03/05/2025 09:23

I think you are mistaken. Its more about privacy and respect for privacy. Personally I think its inappropriate for work colleagues to be mates with few exceptions.

Also you need to give people time to warm to you and accept you into their circle.

frozendaisy · 03/05/2025 09:23

Move back @Seventell whilst you still can!

Holeypyjamas · 03/05/2025 09:22

Greenfields20 · 03/05/2025 09:21

The English are viewed as reserved and introverted? That's a new one on me! Would definitely depend what part of other countries you are in as I'm sure there are plenty European towns/cities/resorts where the English would not be viewed as reserved 😅

Magaluf? 🤣🤣

Greenfields20 · 03/05/2025 09:21

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:04

Its definitely been a culture shock!
People are definitely more emotional , friendly and kind in spain and italy, in my opinion.

I think to be so emotionay closed, is a sign of emotional damage.

English people are also known around europe for being "cold and reserved". Thats how english people are known.

Like ive heard spanish and italian people say that they think that English people are very difficult to talk to, because they are so reserved.

I just wonder what happened.

I think part of it is island isolation. The UK is quite alone. The UK is definitely more alone than most other European countrie.

Because its an island.

And when you dont mix with a lot of other countries, you can get very introverted and insular.

The English are viewed as reserved and introverted? That's a new one on me! Would definitely depend what part of other countries you are in as I'm sure there are plenty European towns/cities/resorts where the English would not be viewed as reserved 😅

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:21

SapporoBaby · 03/05/2025 09:18

You say it’s like they don’t know how to be nice… but you’re here calling all English people cold, damaged, stunted, closed, insular. Based on a few people.

Youre English… are you all those things? Are your family? Are your long term friends?

Perhaps English people can simply tell that you dislike them from the bat… and so they don’t bother. Alternatively you may have lost the ability to read your own countrymen and expect them to express things like a Spanish or Italian person.

Well im not fully english. Im mixed. I was born in england. But my parents werent english. They were both from other european countries.

And ive lived in a lot of different european countries.

I just moved to england and i feel so unhappy and lonely. People have been so cruel and cold to me.

Maybe it was a mistake to move here

OP posts:
Holeypyjamas · 03/05/2025 09:19

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:14

Werent there just huge protests in Ireland, about immigrants coming into Ireland?

Now you sound like you’re just trying to offend and stir up trouble, I’ve reported your thread.

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:18

TheWiseGoose · 03/05/2025 09:14

I domt experience stiff upper lip much these days. British work culture is turning a bit American especially in tech with the let it all out culture, share share share which I find too much. I worked with a French guy and I found him too damn emotional and sensitive. I wish he's more English!

Haha!

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 03/05/2025 09:18

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:04

Its definitely been a culture shock!
People are definitely more emotional , friendly and kind in spain and italy, in my opinion.

I think to be so emotionay closed, is a sign of emotional damage.

English people are also known around europe for being "cold and reserved". Thats how english people are known.

Like ive heard spanish and italian people say that they think that English people are very difficult to talk to, because they are so reserved.

I just wonder what happened.

I think part of it is island isolation. The UK is quite alone. The UK is definitely more alone than most other European countrie.

Because its an island.

And when you dont mix with a lot of other countries, you can get very introverted and insular.

Oh I agree we are insular, but that doesn't make us cold to each other. I find my English colleagues friendly and good conversationalists. I don't find that being more emotional equals being more friendly. At all. If anything, I find highly emotional people much harder to have a friendly relationship with! I have worked with a few (not most) Southern European colleagues who have been difficult to work with precisely because they have been over-emotional and a bit volatile! Maybe I see it this way because I'm a cold English person though Grin

SapporoBaby · 03/05/2025 09:18

You say it’s like they don’t know how to be nice… but you’re here calling all English people cold, damaged, stunted, closed, insular. Based on a few people.

Youre English… are you all those things? Are your family? Are your long term friends?

Perhaps English people can simply tell that you dislike them from the bat… and so they don’t bother. Alternatively you may have lost the ability to read your own countrymen and expect them to express things like a Spanish or Italian person.

AquaPeer · 03/05/2025 09:18

Seventell · 03/05/2025 09:14

Werent there just huge protests in Ireland, about immigrants coming into Ireland?

Yes the Irish have become quite racist- turns out all that was missing was the opportunity to be so. But that’s not their culture

it does show how history and circumstance shape culture though. The Irish were culturally friendly and welcoming until too many people wanted to come and be welcomed

Baital · 03/05/2025 09:17

Read 'Watching the English' by Kate Fox. It's very accurate 😂 there are unspoken rules about privacy and how to show friendliness.

I was relieved to come back after a decade or so overseas, and have made friends so easily here, in my home culture, that I never truly made elsewhere.

Dearg · 03/05/2025 09:17

Gosh op, what’s your degree in? Armchair psychology? What a load of twaddle.

I have lived in many different countries, made friends in them all, but the key takeaway for me is , that people responded to me based on how I treated them.

I am Scottish. We are supposed to be dour. I don’t think many people would describe me as such. Reserved at times, yes. But I am not a fan of ‘in your face’

I suspect the common denominator here is you & your expectations of what a boss & colleagues ought to be. Primarily, professional. Respectful of your privacy and personal boundaries.
If you become friends, that’s a bonus. But it’s not required for the role.

Swipe left for the next trending thread