Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

You are totally minimising your part in this. The blame lays squarely at your feet. You need to be extremely remorseful when your DP wakes up. Not accepting full responsibility for your hurtful and inappropriate comment will do even more damage.

Saying it at all was incredibly ill-judged but the fact that you’ve woken up this morning doubling down on what he said (in retaliation) and not taking accountability for what YOU started is concerning. You need to have a serious word with yourself.

“ReadTheBlurb · Today 08:15

You're in the wrong. What he said was hurtful, but I suspect it was intended to make you understand how your comment had made him feel, as opposed to being a genuine thing that he thinks about. Your comment was far worse - you've critiqued his sex skills AND told him you imagine his friend doing it better (and you're not taking ownership of your words by describing it as "clumsy"). If my DH had said something like that to me, I'd be devastated, and probably would have retorted with something similar to your DH as a defence mechanism. It's you who owes the apology here.”

This with bells on. As a PP said, it’s interesting that you’re trying to minimise the hurtfulness and thoughtlessness of what you said (essentially that you can imagine being taken masterfully by his friend in bed) and make him the baddy when you started it and what you said was worse. You remind me a bit of how I used to be. I remember my DH pointing out many years ago that I had a bit of a way of saying really combative, sometimes quite mean things in a kind of super-reasonable tone and getting all dismayed when challenged. But just because I said those things in a nice tone didn’t make them okay to say. I don’t do that any more. We still argue but I own my side of the arguments.

Another thing we learnt quite early on was to cut back hard on drinking because we had a few occasions where lovely evenings were ruined by prickly, hurtful rows at the end of the evening because we had had too much to drink and were both being stubborn and bad-tempered.

You were wrong. You started it by bringing up his friend… very weird to do that. He just gave what he got.

With 98% saying unreasonable i
think you owe him a big apology!

Ouch, I hope your DH can get past this. An apology is definitely in order 😬

What you said was worse than what he did.

FFS, comparing your DH’s skills in bed (as opposed to his physique) with how you imagine his friend to be. Just awful, hurtful stuff and I am not remotely surprised that he bit back. Utterly humiliating for him.

I wonder about your emotional intelligence OP given that (a) you thought it was okay to make the comment in the first place and (b) you are even now on here seeking to portray what he did as worse than you.

For the avoidance of doubt: you should be apologising to him and hoping very much that it doesn’t have a lasting impact on his sexual confidence.

Drink in, wits out. What would have happened if he come to bed and asserted himself? Best not to have these conversations when alcohol is involved. The recent teacher in the bar thread shows that

I’m not sure how you’re going to row back on that to be honest. Your poor dh must be so hurt.

You were wrong. What a horrible thing to say

Your comment is grounds for a break-up IMO.
Ridiculous and childish.
You started it. You get back what you started on a fight.

One thing’s for sure, this conversation won’t have improved your sex life one bit! I’d struggle to move on from the conversation if I were your partner.

Oh dear op. You were wrong. His comment was also wrong but I would say you should apologise.
who is this other man ? I can only assume you like him, or at least that’s what I would be worried about as your do

Christ no, it’s YOU who needs to apologise OP. He was probably really hurt and retaliated to hurt you back which isn’t necessarily right but in the heat of the moment and after drinking it’s understandable.

hopefully he’ll also say he’s sorry and you can move on

It is your fault. You open the floodgates with naming another guy's name. He just played you at your own game and trumped you.

Unsure how you can refer to his comment as vile when yours was soo much worse.

You basically told him you thought his friend looked great in bed and just what you were looking for whilst his more respectful method wasn't doing it for you.

He retaliated as most people would.

You simultaneously criticised his sexual performance and let him know you want to fuck his friend. Can't imagine why you think he needs to apologise. I wouldn't even know where to start in resolving that tbh

Imagine you'd been having your chat and your partner said "I'd love it if you would be a bit more assertive sometimes, just go down on me or ride me without asking, I bet your mate Claire would be like that in bed".
It's incredibly hurtful and I'm not surprised he retaliated, you're the one who needs to apologise.

Also, don't go repeating why he said to anyone. Especially not your friend with the arse. Itsyin that context and he was reacting to something hurtful.

You were both wrong, I would chalk up to too much to drink and end of week stress.

Oh no! You both need to apologise. Never a good idea to play comparisons.

Also seems a little odd / disrespectful to speak about your friends that way. Both to your partner and to said friends.

Yours was much worse because it was proactive and something you'd been thinking. He just responded in anger by saying something hurtful about you friend having a better arse which he probably doesn't mean and if she does, he probably doesn't care about one jot.

You were quite specific that you thought his pal would be terrific in bed for specific reasons that diminish your husband in comparison. Dick move, apologise without reservation or expectation. Hopefully he will apologise about his comment too but you've no right to push for it, what you said was worse. He lashed out. You compared him sexually to his pal. I'm not saying it should hopefully be a deal-breaker but please don't see yourself as the injured party here.

Even if it wasn't about his friend specifically, who wants to be compared to anyone? Constructive criticism, fine. But why bring other people in?

He rataliated on the level you dragged things down to. Honestly what you said was absolutely appalling. I'm shocked you're wondering 'how to play it'. You've been a nasty bitch.

And actually commenting on a physique which is visible is not the same as criticising his actual performance in bed and admitting you find someone else that you both know to be so much more well masculine and assertive.

You will have really hurt him.

You've woken up to a horrible situation today, which is all of your making and yet you're still trying to blame someone/something else! Is it how you live your life generally, thinking you can do and say whatever you like and people just have to put up with it? You only think what he said was worse because of how it's made you feel and you don't seem to have the emotional maturity to understand how crap you've made him feel. You are to blame for the whole situation because you spoke first. You needn't have. Don't blame him and don't blame the drink. It's all down to you. Are you grown up enough to make an honest apology, with no buts or excuses? I guess you're not, but you should have a go if you want your relationship to last much longer.

Can't really see any other way it would come across! Fair play to you for reflecting rather than doubling down.