Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

Sounds like you've got an alcohol problem.

If you want your marriage to last then you both need to grow up. If a few drinks make you think its OK to say you wish your H was more like you imagine his mate to be in bed, then you need to stick to the pop. He took it further as retaliation, because obviously drink makes him nastier than he might otherwise be.

While we might say cruel things from time to time, I don’t think many of us would say we’d rather sleep with our husbands friend than our husband while critiquing his behaviour would we? The tone of posts is as much in response to the minimising of the OP as it is to what she said. And to that end are constructive, because minimising is absolutely the wrong approach to an apology in this situation.

Oh crikey, youve dug yourself a hole here 🤦🏻‍♀️

Sundays going to be awks! I hope the comments don’t get retold to them once youve both had a few drinks 😬🤣

What you said was really awful and I’d have been SO upset if my husband basically told me he wishes I was more like how he’d been imagining a mate of mine was in bed 🤢 he lashed out and was nasty back because you really hurt him and were completely inappropriate! I can’t believe you’re even asking who was in the wrong, or who was ‘worse’.

You need to apologise and hopefully he will respond with his own apology. He lashed out because he was upset, whereas you just brought it up because you thought it was a good point to make.

The next time you see those friends will be fun!

Of course it’s you. You effectively described your fantasy and then named his mate as someone you have thought about doing it with. You started it and what you said is way way worse. I actually don’t know how on earth you expect to get out of that but am stunned you think his retaliatory comment is even remotely the same league!

Fuck me- what did you expect?? He was hurt and retaliated.

Stay off the booze.

This is what I’m wondering. The fact that OP woke up this morning feeling like she deserved an apology from her DP and having not reflected on her own terrible behaviour makes me think that deflection is her usual response to conflict.

You need to apologise OP. But more importantly you need to understand why what you said and how your DP responded was all of your doing. Do you understand that?

I think that’s the only approach, and I hope that you can work through it. But it’s big…he’s understandably going to struggle to look at you, and his innocent friend, in the same light for a while I suspect. In fact, it’s the poor friend I feel for. It wouldn’t surprise me if your husband feels the need to spend less time with him, in your presence at least.

@laladaff Thats what I might have said if she wasn't trying to darvo her partner

Wow. You were bang out of order. Do you fancy his mate?

Both in the wrong, but do people need to tell off the OP in quite such a way?! Many of us have said thoughtless things after a few drinks in our time, and many of us may have got into silly arguments with their partners when pissed.

OP is probably feeling hungover and all the threads suggesting she’s a terrible person aren’t exactly constructive. She just needs to take some paracetamol, apologise to her DH, remember to avoid drunken conversations on topics that are sensitive/combative, and move on…

Yes, what you said was pretty terrible. What a thing to say! Even if you were drunk. His retaliation was to prove a point. And you want him NOT to ask you before he does things to you in bed? Quite a few women have to put up with men who do not ask them and just use their bodies any way they wish. Yes, you can talk to your partner and tell him about your fantasy desires but doing so while drunk and comparing them to their friend is not the way to have this discussion. I'm sorry to be so harsh but he sounds mature. You don't.

You started it comparing, he retaliated with the same coin.

Wow, what a horrible thing to say to someone you love.

He has definitely been really hurt by you and he said what he said in retaliation. What he said is NOT worse than what you said. You started it by making the comment you made which was bang out of order.

You need to step up and be the bigger person here and offer the olive branch and apologise and hope that he can let this go.

Are you actually sorry? As in, genuinely seeing what you did and how horrible it was and willing to work to show your partner that you’re sorry and change your behaviour?

Your comment was an unkind put down where you were effectively saying that his friend would please you more than him having sex with you. He retaliated in kind. I have no idea why you think you’re the one who has been hard done by. You both did not behave well. I think you should apologise because you made the first comment and hopefully he will also do so. More generally speaking, if these kind of comments are part of your interactions regularly, I think you should reflect on your relationship as it doesn’t sound particularly healthy. Best wishes.

Yikes, what a horrible conversation. Hope that's a very unusual topic and argument, none of it sounds healthy. Agree with others you're very much in the wrong and owe him an apology. Sounds like he reacted in hurt.

Op, your updates actually are making it worse. I do t think you fully understand how awful what you said was or have any understanding of how you’ve made him feel. You describe his comment as vile and yours as clumsy. One poster commented that it was good of you to reflect, but I don’t think you really are. If my dh said what you said, I would be unbelievable hurt. Your partner’s response was said from a place of self protection and was harsh to demonstrate what a comment like that feels like, not because he meant it. You meant it. You criticised him in a personal way, compared him to a friend and then told him you would prefer that friend. Just awful.

Oh OP you started this. He retaliated because he was shocked and hurt. You need to apologise.

Do you socialise with his friend …. that’s going to be awkward next time 😳

Your DP met your hurtful comment with a hurtful comment towards you.

If anyone should apologise, you should to your DP.

Perhaps in future, address any issues you have with your DP while sober and as an adult and don't compare him to his friend. It sounds like you fancy his friend. Your DP was justifiably peed off with you.

You started it. You made comments comparing him in bed to other people who know and that you imagine theyre more what you like.

Now you’re expecting an apology because he said the equivalent in retaliation. 🤦‍♀️

The very idea of discussing your sex life whilst drunk was always going to end in tears.

Whether intentional or not you saying you want him to " go ahead and do things with out asking" is a pretty dangerous thing to say if you haven't really thought it through. It comes over as you having rape fantasies and inviting him do this should be thought through thoroughly. Then you imply to him you have fantasies about his friend doing this to you?

This is not going to go away.

It will rankle and probably be brought up again and again as long as your relationship lasts.