Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

He matched your energy. Apologise and move on

I don’t think it’s any more or less of an unwritten rule than ‘don’t say your mate would do better at the things I like in bed than you’ is.

Exactly! If you can't stand the heat keep out of the kitchen.

It's a completely normal rule not to compare your partner of either sex's sexual performance to your imagination of how much better their friend would be.

if a woman came on here saying that during a drunken argument her husband told her he wanted her to be more assertive during sex just like he thinks her friend Julie would be, he would rightly be flamed and she would be told to leave the relationship as there's no coming back from it, even if she had retaliated by telling him his friend Brian has a nice bum

I think you were seriously out of order.

You'd both had too much to drink and said things you wouldn't normally have said.

He escalated. And I don't blame him.

But I think his response to your apology is silly and demonstrates his insecurity.

Does he have form for sulking and punishing? Do you live together?

And I wouldn't go along with any made up stories to friends.

"I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name)" From your op.

How exactly is that not imagining his mate as a sexual partner? You've said you imagine him being more assertive during sexual activity and not checking consent. Do you not hear how that sounds?

God, how awkward. I don’t know how you can come back from it either… it’s similar to getting the mystical “ick” isn’t it? It will always be in his head now 😬

On a serious note. Maybe drinking that much together is not the best idea? It seems very random, that wouldn’t be my choice of a nice evening with my partner! Maybe a couple of drinks.

He was retaliating which isn’t great but you caused this - I wouldn’t dream of saying something like that to my DH. I wouldn’t even think it to be honest.

Yes, agree, my dh is ‘the best’ but we are considerate of each other feelings, and never go ‘full steam a head ‘ without checking in first.

Good for him. I don’t think many blokes could ever get that out of their head to be honest. What he said was a reaction to what you said. You initiated the chat by bringing your social circle in to it. In his head he has heard ‘My girlfriend thinks I’m a shit shag and she wants to fuck Jason as he’s more assertive.’ Even if you stay together for 40 years he’ll always remember that.

Him saying ‘yeah but Emily has a better arse than you’ is nowhere near as bad. What was he supposed to say? ‘Ok thanks for your feedback, I’ll try and be more like Jason in the future.’

At what point does this stop being about you?

Maybe he does know that. But maybe he also knows that you fantasising about his mate is a line which means your needs don’t come first?

You clearly don’t actually have remorse. You might want to be prepared for this to be done because what you said is bordering unforgivable and your attitude now likely sealing the deal.

@FoodLover22 quashing it isn’t a grown up or healthy thing to do. Basically it is saying let’s ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen - but actually this is a fairly big thing that you said that you are minimising.

because you basically asked him to change himself and his personality- no only that hit asking him to do things without asking is a fairly risky thing and needs ground rules

Or it could just be that she's not a very nice person who does this kind of thing more often than she's letting on. She's handily blaming alcohol and her husband for the horrible situation she's put them in, even now.

Still minimising, then. It’s not nonsense. It’s how he feels and completely justified. You are still only seeing this from your side and not accepting how YOUR actions have made him feel. He’s not “dragging it out unnecessarily”. He’s taking his own time to work through it.

You sound like a nightmare tbh.

The fact he doesn't trust you around his mate isn't nonsense. You've told him you'd prefer his friend as a sexual partner.

I'm sure you would like him just to move on but it's out your hands now. He's allowed boundaries and to hold firm to them in choosing whether to continue the relationship.

I would take this as "you're shit in bed, and i wish you'd do me like i imagine Barry doing me". I'm not sure i could even be arsed with you after that. One of the worst things i've ever heard said to a bloke. So humiliating.

I also think you come across as arrogant, and have no idea how deep this would cut into a man's self esteem.

The thing is, I didn’t mean it to sound like that and it’s not a thought I have had at all. I was on about personality in general.

How was he supposed to know that? It is your responsibility to communicate and you gave wrong message. You needed to be super sensitive in communicating anything about your sex life, not referencing anyone else in comparison AT ALL.

Yes, his retaliation was bad, very bad, but you can’t expect him to apologise unless you are also prepared to offer a heartfelt, unconditional apology. First.

Your behaviour in sulking and not speaking to him is also unacceptable.

If you want your marriage to flourish , cop on!

You started it. 100 percent!!! You need to apologise.

Of course he’s going to retaliate with something similar!

I imagine his ego is well and truly dented. I think what he said is a natural reaction to feeling inferior to his mate who is wife has clearly been thinking about shagging.

I wouldn't try again. I'd accept that I've crossed a line and essentially ruined the relationship beyond repair. I think now trying to cajole him into forgiving you would be further abuse tbh. Just leave it. You seriously fucked up, learn from your mistakes

I agree that OP’s DP shouldn’t have to apologise. His response in the moment was totally justified.

@FoodLover22 good luck with this today. How do you think your DP is likely to be this morning? At the very least you need to be sincere in your apology and allow him his hurt and upset however that may manifest.

You both are as bad as each other. That’s the problem with drinking. You both owe each other an apology and as you started it you apologise first