Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

Ooft. You’ve both gone for the jugular! You commented on his sexual performance. He commented on your appearance. You started this, you need to sort it. I hope you can both move on from a very unfortunate drunken argument but it might take a while op.

That is why I am bewildered by the world partner - partner in what? In sex? I wish people would be more honest and say, like they do, in American coms, 'fuck buddy'. You see, had you made yourselves committed, through marriage then none of that comparison would have been in any way material, because you would have been legally and morally committed - everybody would have known that he chose you until death do us, etc. and you chose him. People who say 'well, marriages end', should know that lives end to and in terms of commitment marriage until divorce do us part is the next best thing for security aka peace of mind. Basically, you are discussing throw away comments and you should be discussing real transition from being fuck buddies to spouses. There will always be more assertive people than your current fuck buddy and there will always be better arses than yours, and only in a fully committed state - meaningful marriage - would you be immune to the impact of any nonsense spoken in passing.

I apologise if you are not interested in marriage/find it unnecessary and I am wrong in that respect.

Isn't it also an unwritten rule with anyone not to compare their sexual performance to a friend?

You ere both in the wrong - but you, mainly.

That was an awful thing to say to him - and I’d apologise.

Probably best if neither of you get drunk again.

What are you talking about ?

You’ve implied that you fantasize about his friend ‘that’s how I imagine Roger being in the bedroom’. I think him saying ‘yeah well Barbara’s got a nice arse’ in retaliation is pretty minimal.

As the poll is 98% YABU, and the OP has been heavily criticised, that doesn't appear to be true.

So she can fantasise about screwing his mate and he can’t respond with like? Don’t be ridiculous.

You started with the low blow and he retaliated with the same.

You need to apologise first and he should for being as petty as you.

If I were him I would probably end things with you. It'll eat away inside his head now and he will never feel enough.

I think it's an unwritten and possibly wiser rule not to compare the masculinity of your partner to his friend.

In a day and age where women are being killed for any damage to a man's ego, it seems a risky move.

Not that it should be, but I think telling a man that he's basically less of a man than his friend is bloody dangerous.

I do think you have some toxic ideas about gender roles though. The fact that you seem to think women need more emotional protection and that what you said is okay seems aligned with toxic masculinity to me. Like you think men don't have feelings and women are really fickle beings who are obsessed with their appearance and count it as their only worth.

I’m glad you were able to apologise and I hope things get sorted. I feel you see things in quite binary terms. Your initial post was re who was is the wrong. You now accept that you were in the wrong and have apologised. To your mind that is the end of it. But how can it be when you’ve told him his friend would be more masterful in sex than he? You think behaving like an adult does not include being hurt by something. Saying the word sorry does not just make everything ok. Being an adult means understanding the impact of your behaviour and giving your partner time to work things through. You mentioned that you don’t like things to drag out and I’m wondering if there have been other times when you have not behaved well and just expected your partner to suck it up and get over it without any real understanding or empathy for how they might feel. I appreciate you’ve just giving a snapshot of things but you said something that can’t be taken back and is likely to the time to resolve. Good luck.

Don't post your business online if you don't want people's honest opinions.

To be honest I don’t think I could get past it either (if I was in his position.) I also don’t fault him for not wanting to socialise as a group, it will continue to keep popping into his head whenever he sees friend and you together.

I’m not sure you understand how much it’s hurt him, attempting later to try and quash something is not the best way forward. He needs time to process whether this is something he wants to forgive and move past.

What utter nonsense. 🙄

Edited to add I think you're the OP employing a sock puppet! If not you are totally deluded and a Misandrist

You were both absolutely horrible, but your comment was only hurtful to him, whereas his was disgustingly misogynistic towards your friend and women generally. It would turn me off him permanently.

You're 100% in the wrong here OP, you've really fucked up. I agree with your partner: not suee how you come back from it. Thats going to be in his head forever and what he said was him just matching you, you asked for it.

It’s definitely lower down the list of rules.

Can you imagine actually thinking a retaliatory remark about your arse is the same or worse than talking about fantasising having sex with someone’s best mate?!

You're still trying to wriggle out of being the one responsible for this - stop it. You hurt him first and he retaliated.

FUFO. This is 100% on you. I can't see how your relationship can survive this - and its absolutely your fault.

You absolutely cannot claim the moral high ground in this instance. Why are you finding it so difficult to accept that you were totally in the wrong? You’re trying to justify your appalling comment with his.

what as horrible as saying you'd prefer him to be as good as his friend In the sack!!!

Im surprised that there are a some people other than op still trying to twist this to blame the man

It was horrible and to be honest he probably didn't even mean it but said it to try and hurt you, the way you had just hurt him. Understandable considering the circumstances. So you need to stop playing the victim because of what he said to you and realise how much you have fucking hurt his feelings here.

If I were you I would leave him for a bit as he obviously needs his space from you at the moment. Let him think and maybe try and talk to him again when he has had chance to process what you said.

Maybe men have an unwritten rule about criticising his performance in the bedroom. This thread illustrates once again the double standards many women apply.

He's not dragging it out unnecessarily. He is -rightly-(based on the 98% agreement of almost 900 people here) very hurt by something awful you said. You really crossed a line. You can't just expect him to quash it because his hurt feelings are inconvenient for you.

Are you serious? Imagine talking to your spouse about your sex life and he says to you “I wish you would do this a bit more I imagine your best friend is like that””. And he’s not said it in retaliation or context. He’s just randomly announced that he thinks about having sex with your best friend.

And you think in any way responding with “your mates arse is nice” is the same?! Are you that deluded??!!

You need to get a grip.