Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

I think the difference here will be that you meant what you said (whether you should have said it or not), and he likely didnt - he just found something that would sting as much as your comment did. You need to apologise to him and move on. Don’t dwell on what he said.

But he only did that because you told him how you imagined his friend would be in bed. He probably just grabbed that comment about your friend’s arse from nowhere just because he was so hurt and angry. I think if my boyfriend said “I wish you were more assertive in bed, like I imagine your friend would be” I would be inclined to say something A LOT worse in response than what your partner said.

I mean, I’d say it’s an ‘unwritten rule’ to say ‘I wish you were more like the way I imagine your friend would be in the bedroom’, no?

You've apologised and he won't accept it, just leave it for now. Give him space.

You're trying to minimise his reaction, which isn't going to help. You need to stay above reproach now, and then if he continues being nasty you know you've tried everything to make up to him.

You've both said things that aren't nice, I wouldn't say either one is better or worse than the other.

At the same time, if he uses this to blow it out of proportion and continue being nasty, I would think there's more going on.

I've got a mate who was cheated on last year. He's got two kids, a mortgage, and he does care for his now ex wife. We were talking the other night about them reconcilling, how practical and sensible it would be on so many levels. But my mate says, "yeah, i even want to, but i can't get the image of him fucking her out of my head, and it makes me want to go no where near her". OP, i know it's not the same, but do you realise it's almost the same?

I would love to know what the 'apology' looked like if your still focusing on his comment to you, was it even a genuine apology where you took all the responsibility and completely understood why he retaliated as he did...I'm thinking it wasn't and that's why he's still annoyed.

True but you went there. As I’ve learnt myself, men can be as sensitive as women in these things. You essentially emasculated your OH by your comment about his friend so he hit back by hurting you where it would hurt the most also as in comparing your appearance to your friends. I can see how you didn’t mean it like that but now your partner will just be thinking you fancy his mate and have just been putting up with him. He likely feels hurt and insecure now. Other than apologising again I’m not sure what else you can do as that’s a hell of a sting and not sure I’d want to continue with a man if he compared me like that to a female friend!

I think the point is your husband knows that. He retaliated by saying something similarly inappropriate when you said something inappropriate in the first place, I think to point out that what you said was inappropriate. Not a great reaction but an understandable one. You kind of said I bet your friend is better in bed, and he said maybe YOUR friend is better in bed then.

I think what you said really played into an area of vulnerability for men - men are pressured to be more assertive and aggressive and you basically said you’d prefer this (even suggesting he disregard your consent!). Definitely worse than a comment on physical appearance.

Wow! You want him to be more confident or assertive and you do this by totally destroying his confidence by comparing him negatively to a friend of his? He will never be able to forget that. Your comment was totally out of order and may well have destroyed your sex life.
Given how hurtful your behaviour was it’s not surprising he retaliated with a comment about someone else. What else did you expect?
You pretty much destroyed his self worth by telling him he’s not good enough and his mate is. If he has any sense he’ll leave you because you seem unable to understand just how devastating your comments were.

“Many women” what are you on about?

This is one woman. And 98% voted that she was unreasonable (majority of whom are women). It’s not “many women” at all.

I was going to reply to OP’s last few posts but actually, everyone who has quoted them has said what I was going to say. You need to read what is being said here and actually accept it and change your attitude. It is not nonsense of him to change plans to keep you away, and he did not say anything worse. You were worse, hurtful, pretty disgusting actually and your reaction is incredibly self absorbed. Poor guy.

You were both arseholes. You hurt him by implying that you’ve thought about his mate sexually and he responded in kind. Don’t discuss contentious issues after alcohol it’ll never end well.

I think many people would struggle to get over this I don’t think it’s as simple as sorry and move on
when your partners been thinking about your friend in a sexual way it would be hard not to think they obviously fancy them

The fact he hasn't forgiven and forgotten the OP's comment by 10.30am the next morning doesn't in any way suggest he's going to drag it on.

It's just that the OP's wish that it be quashed and forgotten instant isn't going to happen.

Yep

He doesn't have to accept an apology and move on from something just because you don't like things being "dragged out".

Quashing things instead of dealing with them isn't a superiorly adult way of handling things - dealing with them fully and properly is.

You still don't seem to be realising how your comment came across, how hurtful it was, or how damage it has likely done to your relationship.

Especially as you're still focus on him breaking an imaginary unwritten rule of not commenting on female appearance.

You told him you imagined his friend would be better in bed than him. That's not something someone is going to get by easily, and quite possibly not at all.

You were in the wrong, and don't have a leg to stand on, sorry girl x

It’s a madness to get hung up on that, when you were the one to start it all, suggesting with your comment that his friend might be better in bed?! I’d say that was the first “unwritten rule” that was broken here - can’t imagine what you were thinking tbh.

And don’t compare men’s sexual performances with their friend

you seem unable to see that you did anything wrong and he basically responded tit for tat

No, OP. Please stop trying to make yourself the victim here.

I do agree with others, I’m not sure how your DH comes back from this. Let him see his mate on his own; it would be so awkward if you both still went (with his wife there no less).
What is it about this other man that made you refer to him in the moment? Because if it’s played on an insecurity your DH already has, perhaps confidence, etc - well, your relationship could be in trouble now.

I’m not saying there’s no hope but let him have space with this, there’s no way he’s going to brush this under the rug to save your anxiety after what you’ve said.

Sorry but this one is on you...

He's clearly going to drag this on though.

you basically told him you think his friend would be better in bed than him
the arse comment was retaliation not in the same l as your mate will be a good shag

Unfortunately I get the feeling OP doesn’t have the ability to self reflect. She has apologised because she’s been told she needs to and she wants to move on from the situation. But she has little empathy or understanding for her DP’s feelings and is only interested in her own perspective and is not willing to accept genuine accountability.

It's also an unwritten rule for men not to compare their sexual performance!