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Original poster

School not sending home for period pain

159 replies

rainbow9713 · 02/05/2025 20:30

Hi I will try to keep this as short as possible but also don't want to drip feed.
I have an 11 year old daughter (12 in July) in year 7, she started her periods at 9 so has had 2 full years of periods, primary school were very understanding as she gets extreme pain to the point she passes out and/or physically vomits.
Doctors have given mefenamic acid and tranexamic acid, she has also had an ultrasound scan awaiting results.
Tuesday she was due on her period and said she didn't want to go to school (is an issue anyway about not wanting to go, but she still does attend) as she could feel it coming and they wouldn't send her home if she felt really bad.
Now her period before this, the day she was due I was called and asked to pick her up about an hour before finish, as she looked visibly unwell, went really pale and was feeling really dizzy. I said ah she is due on her period today so that will be it, I was at work but my mom went and collected her early.

Back to this period, she is under SEND at school with a pupil passport and extra support in place. Undiagnosed but strongly thought to be autistic (school agree to this) so is already treated as such and on the pathway for assessment. So Tuesday morning i email the SEND to say she is very anxious about coming in as she gets alot of pain, explain she does have prescription medication there, but could they please please (yes I used 2 pleases) call me if she is in pain so I can come and get her. As she isn't going to learn anything sitting in am office in pain, so I would rather make her comfortable at home...... reply was ofcourse, and also to tell her to use her time out pass at any time to go over to the SEND ect ect. She's still anxious so I see the new pastoral care at the gates, again say to her and to please please call me, I did say I can collect her before 2pm, if after 2pm it's a little more tricky but someone would be able to collect her.

She was late home (I jave a ring doorbell) so I call her and she is in absolute pieces. She said she was in so much pain and begged and begged them to call me but they wouldn't. She was late home as she stayed in the lessen 20 minutes after it ended as she felt dizzy so was scared to stand up incase she fainted. The teacher did walk her out to the gates but she then walked home alone.

I email the SEND as I am to put it bluntly extremely pissed off, as I reassured my daughter they would call me. And IMO they reassured that they would. The following day (my daughter was at home as had severe pain and was still in alot of distress about the day before, as in her words. They know she struggles to go to school but she tries her best to go in, and then they pull a stunt like this), the SEND calls me and says they won't authorise going home for period pain...... I'm like that is not what you or the pastoral told me yesterday.

So now I have a meeting next Friday, I plan to tell them I am not letting this go. I have printed information about autism and menstruation, nhs info on endometriosis and adenomyosis which are conditions that take years to diagnose but can really impact womens health and ability to live a normal life. Also news articles about schools who have had to change their period policy.

So am I being unreasonable to be so cross and upset my daughter has been treated this way?
She dies not misbehave at school, and honestly yes it can be a struggle to get her there but she does go. Her attendance is good other than a day off every period because she physically can't move.
I think they need to see these pupils (she can't be the only one) as individuals, they ja e already recognised additional needs, so why can't they see her as an individual in this instance?
This now has made her anxiety about school even worse, and to be quite honest the next time she feels her period coming, I don't want to send her in. As it massively affected her mental health, and is a safety risk if she is dizzy and walking home.
I'm cross because they have seen her look physically poorly and authorised her leaving early before, the only difference is, is that they disnt have forewarning that it was a period

I'm so sorry as this is really long, I am just so so cross.

Also of you agree with me...... any help to win this war with them would be greatly greatly appreciated ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbow9713 · 03/05/2025 10:14

Aaahhh my image is under review apparently

OP posts:
rainbow9713 · 03/05/2025 10:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
rainbow9713 · 03/05/2025 10:11

Longma · 03/05/2025 10:09

But they aren’t educating her - she’s sat in an office out of lessons, whilst in severe pain.
She isn’t learning whilst sat in a separate room, away from class and her teachers, trying to remain composed in agony.

Show quote history

This was my point to them

OP posts:
Longma · 03/05/2025 10:09

1SillySossij · 03/05/2025 07:43

I understand how you feel but the school have a duty to educate your child. They cannot keep sending a child home sick on your or her say so without medical evidence or definite visible symptoms. Otherwise half the girls would be jumping on the band wagon to get sent home for a few days each month.
Have you even ssked for a doctor's note, or seen a gynae?

But they aren’t educating her - she’s sat in an office out of lessons, whilst in severe pain.
She isn’t learning whilst sat in a separate room, away from class and her teachers, trying to remain composed in agony.

IthasYes · 03/05/2025 10:05

@BookArt55 totally agree but also if a child was doing this at such a young age to avoid school then the school needs to address that and take responsibility.

Longma · 03/05/2025 10:04

BlondiePortz · 03/05/2025 00:37

So will you keep her off every month?

Sadly this is the reality for a minority of girls and women who are in agony with mo they periods but are routinely dismissed by health professionals. It’s been happening for decades.

It took me several years to finally get anyone to listen to me - resulted in needing too ops and months of follow up medication to get me to a position where I could actually work through it. If just one of the numerous medics had taken it seriously in the previous years so much could have been avoided.

Emsie1987 · 03/05/2025 09:59

I had bad period pains before having children no real reason ever given after investigations.

When I was in labour the early part up to around 4cm I would say felt like bad period pains. 100 per cent should not be in school.

Evilspiritgin · 03/05/2025 09:58

I wonder if previous poster is right, maybe give school a letter from gp or even yourself explaining what is going on and telling them exactly what you want them to do in the event of this happening again.

Original poster
rainbow9713 · 03/05/2025 09:48

Pastoral is the person my daughter was sent to, when she presented unwell to the SEND. And this SEND staff member was the only trusted adult my child has in school.

She finds it hard to make attachments, but when she does that is her person...... she won't even entertain any of the other SEND staff, so that has been extremely difficult this week aswell. That the one person she had a bit of trust with lied to her.
She isnt currently capable of understanding that maybe this teacher dis try and do what she had promised, but was not authorised to do so

OP posts:
Lyannaa · 03/05/2025 09:47

YANBU - it sounds as if her periods affect her in an unusually extreme way and the school should have sent her home!

Original poster
rainbow9713 · 03/05/2025 09:45

Now the SEND replies to emails way before and after she is getting paid, so I am going more with she 6 tell me a lie, but yes came up at road blocks afterwards. So let's say misinformation....... the pastoral has no such excuse as she is the one authorised to allow children home or not

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbow9713 · 03/05/2025 09:43

IthasYes · 03/05/2025 09:40

I strongly suspect the person you spoke to initially was genuine but then came up against someone who took it upon themselves to decide otherwise or didn't have the full facts
Or that person you spoke to didn't pass it on or pass it on properly. I've seen this kind of information being totally minimised or lost or deliberately and wilfully misinterpreted because the person believes the child is "putting it on" I'd definitely go to town over this and drill down what happened to the information after you called why didn't the message get through and if it did get through how come it wasn't acted on.
Remember you can ask for all emails and corrospondence for your child

I have it all in black and white, emails in the morning saying the plan we had was fine. Spoke face to face to pastoral.... but after what happened I was emailing the original person. Who acknowledged via email that pastoral had also been spoken to by me and what was said. So I feel I jave enough evidence to go down the complaints route

OP posts:
IthasYes · 03/05/2025 09:40

I strongly suspect the person you spoke to initially was genuine but then came up against someone who took it upon themselves to decide otherwise or didn't have the full facts
Or that person you spoke to didn't pass it on or pass it on properly. I've seen this kind of information being totally minimised or lost or deliberately and wilfully misinterpreted because the person believes the child is "putting it on" I'd definitely go to town over this and drill down what happened to the information after you called why didn't the message get through and if it did get through how come it wasn't acted on.
Remember you can ask for all emails and corrospondence for your child

Original poster
rainbow9713 · 03/05/2025 09:35

I would rather pay for a private tutor so her education needs are met, than have a repeat of this week.
Which is something I am now looking into, because education IMO is very important, I explain to her that even lower paid jobs most still require basic maths and English. But after this week for me it has been highlighted that the most important thing for me to look after right now is her mental health, and helping her navigate these awful periods... amd fight the fights with the doctors and the school that she can't fight herself right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbow9713 · 03/05/2025 09:32

Peasnbeans · 03/05/2025 09:25

Hi @rainbow9713
Thank you for your patience in explaining more. To fill you in a little more - I do have a young teenager, she does have a diagnosis of ASD and she does have painful periods that can make her vomit and take her out of life for a day or so most months.
School contact me and say she wants to come home. But, like you, I am a single working parent and am often in another city. I also know we are at the brink of school refusal and so that is what I mean when I said keeping the routine is so important at the moment - she is too young to stay at home alone.
I've sent in a myriad of medicines and calming objects / strategies / tokens etc.
I wasn't suggesting you are doing anything terrible. The situation is shit. But was I was saying is that the teacher's job is teaching subjects, and it seemed at first that to keep her off in anticipation of her period might lead to total school refusal.
Thank you for your kind and measured response. Good luck.❤️

Yes inam trying very hard to avoid total school refusal as we are struggling every single morning. I even called social services myself and said at the end of the daybif total school refusal happens.... they will be contacted anyway. I outlined all the struggles and they actually said school should be being more supportive.
As although undiagnosed the school have recognised she needs additional support, the CAT team are also working with her in school.
So to avoid total school refusal I dis everything I could thinknif Tuesday to ensure the anxiety of her period arriving would be dealt with with care and consideration. Instead she feels unheard, lied to and has made the following school mornings even more intense.
Which in turn has affected my 10 year old daughter, who also has periods but thankfully doesn't get pain. I cried on Thursday, which then made my 11 year old burst into tears and run out of the house (I tried to not cry but she is actually extremely sensitive/ intuitive to my emotions). And I cried more as she said she was scared because I never cry (once I retrieved her from running outside).
I jave highlighted the struggles Tuesday had on my daughter...... but with her in complete turmoil, it affected my 10 year old who then started acting out.
Then the mom guilt that I am one person, with 2 children, both with different needs........ but who do still need me at the same time. And this week that has been physically impossible

OP posts:
Lostthefairytale · 03/05/2025 09:31

I don't think she should be having ibuprofen with mefenamic acid but I'm happy to be corrected on that (and add it into my daughter's period pill regime!!!)

Peasnbeans · 03/05/2025 09:28

Oh, and ibuprofen is one of the medicines she has at school and they spoon it in 4 hourly. I don't think it's a national policy not to, so ask again at school. I send in the baby version (she can't take tablets, cos ASD) and they give her the appropriate dose pro rata, as suggested by doctor. I send an email and a signed letter giving my permission. I'd it's in a box with her doc label printed on it there's no reason they can't administer it.

Peasnbeans · 03/05/2025 09:25

Hi @rainbow9713
Thank you for your patience in explaining more. To fill you in a little more - I do have a young teenager, she does have a diagnosis of ASD and she does have painful periods that can make her vomit and take her out of life for a day or so most months.
School contact me and say she wants to come home. But, like you, I am a single working parent and am often in another city. I also know we are at the brink of school refusal and so that is what I mean when I said keeping the routine is so important at the moment - she is too young to stay at home alone.
I've sent in a myriad of medicines and calming objects / strategies / tokens etc.
I wasn't suggesting you are doing anything terrible. The situation is shit. But was I was saying is that the teacher's job is teaching subjects, and it seemed at first that to keep her off in anticipation of her period might lead to total school refusal.
Thank you for your kind and measured response. Good luck.❤️

Original poster
rainbow9713 · 03/05/2025 09:07

Yes she has paracetamol, mefenamic and tranexamic at school. Schools can't let them have ibuprofen (i don't know why).
I jave a meeting next Friday, and am also going over there complaints procedure so will be going down that route aswell.

My point about mentioning conditions she isn't diagnosed with, is that these conditions are possible but will never be diagnosed until she is older..... so highlighting the unfairness of not treating female students as individuals regarding menstruation. Yes some will just use it to try and get put of school, where as others actually have debilitating pain........ which they have saw themselves and asked for her to be collected as she looked too unwell to walk home.
Only difference this time is they had forewarning if she is unwell it will be her period

OP posts:
Totallyexhaustedandperplexed · 03/05/2025 08:59

YANBU, you spoke to multiple people to make sure they knew what the situation was, they reassured you that they would call you, and then they didn't call you when she needed them to. Awful behaviour.
I really feel for your DD as I also had painful/heavy periods from year 8 on, and I would run out of lessons to be sick. Eventually the school GP (boarding school) put me on the contraceptive pill in year 10 so that I didn't have a period at all. It changed my life and it hasn't affected my fertility at all which was my biggest fear.
I'm not sure whether it's acceptable to do that anymore, but as far as I'm concerned that lovely doctor gave me my freedom to be a teenager.

Soontobe60 · 03/05/2025 08:59

rainbow9713 · 02/05/2025 20:51

Glad I'm not the only one to be pissed off about it.
I only forewarned this time as my daughter was very anxious, so I was doing my absolute best to reassure her it will all be okay. The day before we had a massive sensory issue, as she only wear one pair of bottoms (she has multiple of the same, literally only thing she wears), so for 2 weeks over Easter she just wore them. She was anxious about school Monday morning so we had some tears but she dis start getting ready. She put the trousers on and it tipped her over the edge (look at sensory issues in autism teamed with menstruation), we agreed with school for that day she could wear the school branded joggers.

Tuesday morning (that fateful day) she wore the school trousers, she tried so so hard and I was so proud of her.

So that was a morning that she needed ALOT of reassurance that it was all going to be fine. And how proud I was of her, and how proud they will be that she managed to wear her actual school trousers.

The next time I'm not forewarning, I honestly think I'm just going to keep her off. As I now can't tell her it will all be fine and they will call me...... because obviously they won't.

I am also going to ask for a school name headed copy of this (period policy) that isn't on their website. Signed by the person responsible for enforcing this policy

You quite rightly have done a great deal in order to get your DD into school, with lots of words of encouragement. Perhaps the same thing happened in school? Perhaps the staff were trying to encourage her to stay in school rather than send ing her home? Does she have access to pain medication throughout the day - you don’t mention this.
It’s pretty pointless talking about conditions that she doesn’t have any diagnosis for - schools can only act on factual information regarding a pupil.
Rather than being antagonistic with the school, you should arrange a meeting with key relevant staff going forward, than have a strategy in place for days when your DD is genuinely too unwell to attend school. I would include things like access to schoolwork that she could complete at home in order to catch up on the days she misses. In reality, she would miss at best 10 days a year, possibly less if her ‘unwell’ day falls at the weekend or in school holidays.

Original poster
rainbow9713 · 03/05/2025 08:58

Leftrightmiddle · 03/05/2025 08:46

@rainbow9713

Can you share the link to information about autism and menstruation please?

We have had similar problems with school promising something and then not following through with our DD (same age and autistic). Her problems with school started in primary.

We forced her in for years but she now is unable to attend at all. The school are totally in the wrong but the system is against autistic young people and getting them to acknowledge or understand that they are wrong is near impossible

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/physical-health/menstruation#:~:text=Research%20suggests%20that%20autistic%20people%20who%20menstruate%20may%20be%20more%20likely%20to%20experience:&text=excessive%20menstruation%20symptoms%2C%20including%20unusually%20painful%20periods,sleeping%2C%20that%20are%20affecting%20your%20daily%20life

Menstruation

Getting your period can bring challenges whether or not you are autistic.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/physical-health/menstruation#:~:text=Research%20suggests%20that%20autistic%20people%20who%20menstruate%20may%20be%20more%20likely%20to%20experience:&text=excessive%20menstruation%20symptoms%2C%20including%20unusually%20painful%20periods,sleeping%2C%20that%20are%20affecting%20your%20daily%20life

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 03/05/2025 08:53

@Peasnbeansyes, you do deserve to get flamed for your ridiculous post. You clearly know absolutely nothing about autism or that it takes on average 7.5 years for endometriosis to be diagnosed.

Worldgonecrazy · 03/05/2025 08:52

DD had similar. Her school were much more understanding, whilst also trying to encourage coping strategies which included proactive taking painkillers, coffee, weighted blankets and chocolate. Caffeine is known to help with period cramps due to increasing blood flow.

My daughter has an implant as remembering to take an ill every day is hard for young women. It took a while to settle her periods but they instantly became more manageable. My GP said it is not an official method of coping but she was happy to do it for any teen girls who are suffering badly with period pain.

Leftrightmiddle · 03/05/2025 08:46

@rainbow9713

Can you share the link to information about autism and menstruation please?

We have had similar problems with school promising something and then not following through with our DD (same age and autistic). Her problems with school started in primary.

We forced her in for years but she now is unable to attend at all. The school are totally in the wrong but the system is against autistic young people and getting them to acknowledge or understand that they are wrong is near impossible