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AIBU?

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Original poster

CMS

164 replies

Runto · 02/05/2025 14:45

I live same building with my kids and ex.
We have a big flat , where the kids are, and a small flat, where I stay.

I see the kids and support every day for homework music food and we go out to play sport every day.

Only thing
The kids don't sleep as mine , because the flat is a bit small. It is possible for them to sleep in my flat but is is just less comfortable than their own bed , one couple of stairs up.

The mother is claiming child maintenance because she says the kids don't sleep at mine.

The mother had a job, is from a wealthy family ( inheritocratie

Given the fact that I am involved 100% in there life I

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2025 22:19

*occupational rent

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2025 22:19

@ArminTamzerian of course it is. So many ex couples on here that own property together have to live together until they sell the home
They both live in. There are many here wanting the ex to move out and they won't budge. Unless there is domestic abuse and one parent gets an occupation order then they both have the right to occupy the property they both own, one half of a couple can't kick someone out of the shared property just because of a romantic break up.

If he doesn't want to insist he moves back or they share the big house (I don't advise doing this but it would be helpful to point out you're entitled to it in the same way that she's saying she's entitled to cms) then I'd tell her than if she goes to CMS he'll have to charge her occupational use

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2025 22:15

Op i have now read you updates, I don't think morally she should go through CMS no, but according to them yes she will get awarded it as she's classed as housing them.

To try to deter her from doing the claim, You can argue to move back into the big home which you're entitled to do, insist you take turns living in the big flat with the kids eg week on week off OR charge her occupational rent as you don't have use of your property which will probably cancel out the child maintenance.

ArminTamzerian · 02/05/2025 22:14

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2025 22:10

'Our' flat - if it's still your home that you own you can move back in there and she can go and stay in the little flat

Show quote history

No. That's not how it works

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2025 22:10

Runto · 02/05/2025 15:03

I live in the same building as my children and my ex-partner. They reside in our large flat, while I have a smaller one. Despite being fully involved in my children's lives daily – helping with homework, music, meals, and taking them out for sports – their mother is demanding child maintenance. The sole reason she states is that the children don't sleep at my smaller flat, even though they easily could, and their own beds upstairs are simply more comfortable. What makes this particularly frustrating is that their mother has a job, comes from an incredibly wealthy family (through inheritance), and even admits she doesn't need the money, stating it's 'a matter of principle.' (I am of working class background).Given my 100% involvement, it seems incredibly greedy of her to pursue financial support when she clearly has no financial need. This creates resentment on both sides.Can the Child Maintenance Service see that this is a blatant waste of their time and resources, driven by nothing more than avarice?"

'Our' flat - if it's still your home that you own you can move back in there and she can go and stay in the little flat

ArminTamzerian · 02/05/2025 22:10

oviraptor21 · 02/05/2025 21:21

Can you move back in to the upstairs flat?

No. His ex wife and children live there.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2025 22:09

CMS is meant to go towards housing and presumably she pays for a more expensive home with more bills?
You should ask her to come to a private arrangement but if she won't then you could reduce what you buy in terms of clothing haircuts etc

Coconutter24 · 02/05/2025 21:40

You have children you provide for them.

oviraptor21 · 02/05/2025 21:21

Can you move back in to the upstairs flat?

vodkaredbullgirl · 02/05/2025 21:14

PervyMuskrat · 02/05/2025 20:45

Her family have a castle?

That's why I don't believe the OP is telling the truth.

PervyMuskrat · 02/05/2025 20:45

Her family have a castle?

Bestfadeplans · 02/05/2025 20:34

Runto · 02/05/2025 19:52

@Wahsingday you said "CMS isn’t about providing financial security for the mother. It’s about providing for your kids."
The father provides for the kids... when they are out, the father pays for everything when he is with the kids.

Yeah nobody is talking about an ice lolly or happy meal when you've taken them out to the park.

People have literally asked you a dozen times on this thread if she pays for their clothing, their food, their uniform, their clubs, heating, water, travel the list goes on or if you contribute to that?

Don't mention how you take them outside again, no one cares about that. You've asked a question, and its been answered. Next.

ArminTamzerian · 02/05/2025 20:23

Runto · 02/05/2025 19:46

The mortgage for the flat, the larger flat is paid already. been paid when the couple was together. However the flat below, the mortgage is not paid yet. They own both at 50% of the property but because the father lives in the smaller flat, he pays 100% of the mortgage installment.

@beesandstrawberries
a weekend parent is, I believe, a parent who is available on the weekend only? here the father is available, every day and provides support and play with the kids or help every day. so not a weekend parent.

The father, who has kids who like the outdoors, spends far more time with the kids outdoors (sports) than the mother. The CMS only looks at night spend. it is wrong. is it not? The mother does not need the money.
isn't it a case where the money is legally justified but it is family irresponsible to create tension in the family for money you don't need?

@HaddyAbrams . sorry.

Stop calling it helping. You're not helping, you're parenting. That's your job.

Who buys their breakfast, lunches, dinners? Who buys the uniforms, shoes, schoolbags, coats?. The beds they sleep in, the sheets, the heating bills?
Is it you?

Do you pay a full fifty percent of the cost of raising your children?

Snorlaxo · 02/05/2025 20:14

Runto · 02/05/2025 19:52

@Wahsingday you said "CMS isn’t about providing financial security for the mother. It’s about providing for your kids."
The father provides for the kids... when they are out, the father pays for everything when he is with the kids.

Legally you should be paying CM and child expenses during their time with you. Most couples do this so that they have privacy from their ex with regards to expense.

If you don’t want to pay CM then your only choice
is to insist that the kids sleep at yours 50% of the time

You are unreasonable to think that you shouldn’t have to pay anything because your ex is wealthy. You are financially and emotionally responsible for your kids and the blunt CMS formula means that your contribution is rightly relative to your income rather than the lifestyle that the kids enjoyed when you were married.

MmeChoufleur · 02/05/2025 20:12

Runto · 02/05/2025 18:27

I do think it’s 100% relevant if she comes from a wealthy background. The comments on this situation are revealing and, to be honest, a bit disheartening. The mother's wealth plays an important role here. The focus should be on what’s best for the children—not the mother’s interests, especially when they seem to be in conflict, as they are in this case.
If the father is consistently present, spends quality time with the kids, takes them outside, and covers all expenses when they’re together—while the mother is already financially secure—why create unnecessary tension in the family over money she doesn’t even need, just for the sake of "principle"? As I mentioned, the mother herself framed this as a matter of principle. Frankly, some of these comments are just unreasonable. @ArminTamzerian, @DarkHollowTree , @EnhancedVampireEyeballs , @HaddyAbrams , @Willyoujustbequiet @MmeChoufleur Who thinks it is weaponising legality at the expense of family peace?

It’s your comments that are unbelievable!

You say your ex has a wealthy family. Why should her wealthy family pay to raise YOUR children? You also say that your ex works part-time for extras. If she was so loaded, why would she work for pocket money?

Her family could be paupers or royalty, it is your responsibility to pay half the cost of raising your children. It is your ex’s responsibility to pay the other half.

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 02/05/2025 20:01

Runto · 02/05/2025 19:52

@Wahsingday you said "CMS isn’t about providing financial security for the mother. It’s about providing for your kids."
The father provides for the kids... when they are out, the father pays for everything when he is with the kids.

As you should.

You should also contribute to their living expenses as you have zero overnights.

A bee in your bonnet about your ex being rich doesn't absolve you of your financial responsibilities towards your kids.

brettsalanger · 02/05/2025 20:00

Where do the kids eat - who’s paying for that
who buys/makes the kids lunch
who buys breakfast
who pays for the heating, gas, electric
who buys the clothes
who pays for the school trips

my guess would be mum, you need to pull your weight financially as well as playing outside with them.

paying for them on your days out is irrelevant and something all mums and dads do.

Sickofschoolruns · 02/05/2025 19:59

So you think that because your ex is wealthier than you, that you shouldn't be responsible financially for your own DC?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 02/05/2025 19:54

Runto · 02/05/2025 19:52

@Wahsingday you said "CMS isn’t about providing financial security for the mother. It’s about providing for your kids."
The father provides for the kids... when they are out, the father pays for everything when he is with the kids.

What about the bills where they live and sleep? Clothes etc

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 02/05/2025 19:54

Who pays for the children’s food, clothes and shoes? Who pays the sports fees and if a car is needed, who pays for the running and repair of it?
I get that you are putting the time and care in but children cost money and are you contributing 50% of that?
If you are then I think she is being unfair, if you aren’t then wake up and smell the cornflakes, those things aren’t free!

Original poster
Runto · 02/05/2025 19:52

@Wahsingday you said "CMS isn’t about providing financial security for the mother. It’s about providing for your kids."
The father provides for the kids... when they are out, the father pays for everything when he is with the kids.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 02/05/2025 19:51

Runto · 02/05/2025 19:46

The mortgage for the flat, the larger flat is paid already. been paid when the couple was together. However the flat below, the mortgage is not paid yet. They own both at 50% of the property but because the father lives in the smaller flat, he pays 100% of the mortgage installment.

@beesandstrawberries
a weekend parent is, I believe, a parent who is available on the weekend only? here the father is available, every day and provides support and play with the kids or help every day. so not a weekend parent.

The father, who has kids who like the outdoors, spends far more time with the kids outdoors (sports) than the mother. The CMS only looks at night spend. it is wrong. is it not? The mother does not need the money.
isn't it a case where the money is legally justified but it is family irresponsible to create tension in the family for money you don't need?

@HaddyAbrams . sorry.

So you’re not one of the parents?

Original poster
Runto · 02/05/2025 19:46

The mortgage for the flat, the larger flat is paid already. been paid when the couple was together. However the flat below, the mortgage is not paid yet. They own both at 50% of the property but because the father lives in the smaller flat, he pays 100% of the mortgage installment.

@beesandstrawberries
a weekend parent is, I believe, a parent who is available on the weekend only? here the father is available, every day and provides support and play with the kids or help every day. so not a weekend parent.

The father, who has kids who like the outdoors, spends far more time with the kids outdoors (sports) than the mother. The CMS only looks at night spend. it is wrong. is it not? The mother does not need the money.
isn't it a case where the money is legally justified but it is family irresponsible to create tension in the family for money you don't need?

@HaddyAbrams . sorry.

OP posts:
PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 02/05/2025 19:32

Runto · 02/05/2025 19:31

@PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt.
I don't think I should get paid to look after the kids. how do you come to this conclusion?

You don't want to pay maintenence because you take them outside.

SoMauveMonty · 02/05/2025 19:31

Bigfatsunandclouds · 02/05/2025 18:45

Do you feed them breakfast and dinner? Do you pay some of the bills for the large flat? Do you buy their clothes? Toys? do you pay dinner money? School trips? Uniform?

I think it's perfectly acceptable your wife wants to nail down a specific financial contribution from you each month, as your contribution to all the above, and more. And the law agrees.

The current situation sounds a bit ad hoc tbh. The fact you're arguing against having a clear CMS agreement in place suggests you're aware the current set up is more beneficial to you than her.

It really is of no importance what her family background is - the children are jointly yours, and should be funded by you jointly, not by her & her parents.