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AIBU?

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Original poster

CMS

164 replies

Runto · 02/05/2025 14:45

I live same building with my kids and ex.
We have a big flat , where the kids are, and a small flat, where I stay.

I see the kids and support every day for homework music food and we go out to play sport every day.

Only thing
The kids don't sleep as mine , because the flat is a bit small. It is possible for them to sleep in my flat but is is just less comfortable than their own bed , one couple of stairs up.

The mother is claiming child maintenance because she says the kids don't sleep at mine.

The mother had a job, is from a wealthy family ( inheritocratie

Given the fact that I am involved 100% in there life I

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 03/05/2025 11:41

ToKittyornottoKitty · 03/05/2025 10:16

So who are you in this situation? Are you the father or not?

Show quote history

I'm starting to wonder too.

Bigfatsunandclouds · 03/05/2025 11:09

Just pay your ex or have the kids 50/50. All this 90/10 outside bollocks is confusing. Yes, you see your kids sometimes and giving them fresh air but that's not going to keep them fed sheltered, clothed is it? Just pay your way and stop going on.

Bestfadeplans · 03/05/2025 10:57

Why on earth do you think because you parent that means you don't have to contribute financially?

Lurker85 · 03/05/2025 10:39

I think you need to sell both properties, each buy your own and then have 50/50 custody split. That way there are no grey areas regarding where they stay.

PussInBin20 · 03/05/2025 10:38

But CMS is to cover your share of the living costs (that you say you don’t pay for, other than phone and some clothing and whatever is needed on your time).

CMS can’t assess each individual case (and yours is quite unusual). That’s why it bases it on the amount of nights you have the children. How else can it have a generic formula?

It may not seem fair to you but CMS won’t change the rules for you.

So you either go to court and have them more nights (reducing your CMS payments or cancelling them out if you get 50/50).

Or just pay what they say?

Her wealth does not come into it and you can argue all you like but that won’t change anything.

brettsalanger · 03/05/2025 10:32

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ToKittyornottoKitty · 03/05/2025 10:16

Runto · 03/05/2025 10:07

@beesandstrawberries. Doing everything to fit their narrative is a human trait. if you believe in the myth of objectivity. I don't. (I repeat this to my kids every day. Objectivity is a myth)
However, I do believe that the interest of the kids here should be paramount.

Now back to the case above, I did state that the father is spending at a ratio of 90/10 time outside/outdoor with the kids. But, as you know, there is no legal requirement to count the number of hours you spend with the kids in the cms. Only the nights counts. you seem to have no issues with that. I called "status quo bias".

So who are you in this situation? Are you the father or not?

Original poster
Runto · 03/05/2025 10:07

@beesandstrawberries. Doing everything to fit their narrative is a human trait. if you believe in the myth of objectivity. I don't. (I repeat this to my kids every day. Objectivity is a myth)
However, I do believe that the interest of the kids here should be paramount.

Now back to the case above, I did state that the father is spending at a ratio of 90/10 time outside/outdoor with the kids. But, as you know, there is no legal requirement to count the number of hours you spend with the kids in the cms. Only the nights counts. you seem to have no issues with that. I called "status quo bias".

OP posts:
PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 03/05/2025 10:06

Threatening drama if you contribute to your kids living expenses doesn't make you a good dad.

You seem to think you're superior to other men because you spend time with your kids, and that you should be financially rewarded for that.

drspouse · 03/05/2025 10:03

Your ex's source of finance is none of your business. You've admitted you don't pay 50/50 for bills for YOUR CHILDREN not your ex. And you want father of the year award? Good lord.

Original poster
Runto · 03/05/2025 09:50

@cadburyegg That was quite a long email for such an early morning—was it a bit therapeutic, maybe? It honestly read like a copy-paste from a conversation you’ve had with your ex.
Anyway, to answer your question: the father is not paying for half of the things listed in your very detailed breakdown. He covers phones and some clothing. Let’s be generous and say he pays for 25%—or even just 10% if that helps make your point. But remember, I did mention that the mother is significantly wealthier than the father due to inheritance—generational wealth.
Also, when the kids are with the father, he pays for everything during that time. So yes, I’ve answered your question.
Now please answer mine.
Let’s set aside the above situation for a moment. I’m asking you, @Cadburyegg:
Which of the following cases would you rather deal with—purely in principle?
Please rank them in order of your preference.
after that Now imagine you’re in a position where you’re under no financial stress—present or future—thanks to inheritance.
Here are the three cases:

  1. A father who provides both time and financial support for his kids but gives a fair bit of drama.
  2. A father who is always present, deeply involved, but doesn’t contribute financially, no drama.
  3. A father who sends money when needed, but is not involved in his kids' daily lives, no drama.
(And please—don’t tell me you don’t have time for this after sending me a midnight essay. ) Disclaimer: none of these cases relate to the generic case. This is just a separate, yet relevant question, which helps me to understand what is going on.
OP posts:
beesandstrawberries · 03/05/2025 08:13

Bestfadeplans · 03/05/2025 00:20

No you said - The kids don't sleep as mine , because the flat is a bit small. It is possible for them to sleep in my flat but is is just less comfortable than their own bed , one couple of stairs up.

Are you now trying to move the goalposts of your original post to sway peoples responses to the direction you want them to go in?

Show quote history

This person seems to be doing everything to fit their narrative of playing victim. They obviously don’t want to pay maintenance and instead of doing 50/50 of all parenting and all costs they’re making every single excuse of why they can’t. Plus they’re ignoring all the questions about who pays for the clothing, school costs, food etc

CuriousGeorge80 · 03/05/2025 04:40

Runto · 02/05/2025 18:27

I do think it’s 100% relevant if she comes from a wealthy background. The comments on this situation are revealing and, to be honest, a bit disheartening. The mother's wealth plays an important role here. The focus should be on what’s best for the children—not the mother’s interests, especially when they seem to be in conflict, as they are in this case.
If the father is consistently present, spends quality time with the kids, takes them outside, and covers all expenses when they’re together—while the mother is already financially secure—why create unnecessary tension in the family over money she doesn’t even need, just for the sake of "principle"? As I mentioned, the mother herself framed this as a matter of principle. Frankly, some of these comments are just unreasonable. @ArminTamzerian, @DarkHollowTree , @EnhancedVampireEyeballs , @HaddyAbrams , @Willyoujustbequiet @MmeChoufleur Who thinks it is weaponising legality at the expense of family peace?

I actually have a bit of sympathy for you if the mortgage on the large house is fully paid and you are paying the full mortgage on the smaller house. But this post makes you sound like an absolute tool, so I suspect in reality you are not a great person.

Anyway, you have choices to solve the situation. Apply to court / agree with other parent for overnights at yours, a provide a more comfortable bed for the kids. Require that the large house is sold, split between the two of you and then take your share of the money (unless ownership of house has already been dealt with in divorce and you got mor cash etc in return for her keeping the house). Stop paying for anything outside of maintenance. Lots you can do.

The wealth of her family is entirely irrelevant to your responsibilities to pay for your children and fixating on it makes you sound like a tool.

brettsalanger · 03/05/2025 04:10

Runto · 02/05/2025 23:37

@brettsalanger .
The mother refuses that the kids sleep downstairs so she can claim child maintenance. is that right to you ?

That’s not what I asked!

CountryMumof4 · 03/05/2025 00:58

OP, you still haven't stated how expenses like uniform, school lunches, trips etc. are split? This isn't an attack, but you haven't responded to any questions about this. This would certainly help give a balanced view.

cadburyegg · 03/05/2025 00:23

As a note about the flat being co-owned, I am assuming you have fairly recently split in which case you are yet to sort out finances. You will need to do this in due course, and it should mean you will get some money from the flat, whether or not the decision is made to sell it, or if your ex decides to buy you out. Speak to a solicitor for some advice on what you may realistically be looking at.

However this is entirely separate to the issue of child maintenance, and in the meantime before the agreement is made about finances, the children need to be provided for.

Bestfadeplans · 03/05/2025 00:20

Runto · 02/05/2025 23:37

@brettsalanger .
The mother refuses that the kids sleep downstairs so she can claim child maintenance. is that right to you ?

No you said - The kids don't sleep as mine , because the flat is a bit small. It is possible for them to sleep in my flat but is is just less comfortable than their own bed , one couple of stairs up.

Are you now trying to move the goalposts of your original post to sway peoples responses to the direction you want them to go in?

cadburyegg · 03/05/2025 00:17

Who pays for:

Food, including school meals
Gas, electric and water at their primary residence
School uniform including school shoes and PE kits
School supplies
School trips
Home clothes including seasonal gear, winter coats etc
Toiletries
Music lessons (as you said you go to help with music?)
Irregular but expensive costs like new bikes
Childcare (breakfast club, after school club, holiday clubs if children do any of these?)
Swimming lessons and/or any extra curricular activities, including swimming gear, anything needed for activities
Fun activities, birthday presents, including for friends kids that they attend parties of
Fundraising things at school and any costumes required for school plays etc
Any babysitters required
Toys, books, games
Pocket money
Mobile phones if kids have them, any subscriptions like disney+ that the kids benefit from
Savings accounts

If you are not paying half of all costs associated with all of the above, then yes you should be paying maintenance.

As well as above, who does the school runs and running around to their various activities? Who takes them to appointments: GP, hospital, dentist, optician, orthodontist? Who looks after children when they are sick?

You don’t really seem to have a good idea of the true costs of raising children, because you keep saying things like “I go to help with homework and meals” etc…. But who pays for everything? It sounds like you just want to do the fun stuff and none of the essential daily parenting, including paying for stuff…

Honestly, you sound a bit like my ex, who seems to think because I earn more than him (because I’ve worked my way up in my career… and I had to get a better job to pay the mortgage on my own) and because my mum came into some money, that absconds him from all financial responsibility. It doesn’t.

oviraptor21 · 02/05/2025 23:56

ArminTamzerian · 02/05/2025 22:10

No. His ex wife and children live there.

Show quote history

He said the flat is still co-owned so he has as much right to live there as she does.

Original poster
Runto · 02/05/2025 23:37

@brettsalanger .
The mother refuses that the kids sleep downstairs so she can claim child maintenance. is that right to you ?

OP posts:
HaddyAbrams · 02/05/2025 22:36

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2025 22:09

CMS is meant to go towards housing and presumably she pays for a more expensive home with more bills?
You should ask her to come to a private arrangement but if she won't then you could reduce what you buy in terms of clothing haircuts etc

CM is to pay for any and all costs associated with children. Why do you think it's specifically for housing?

Bestfadeplans · 02/05/2025 22:36

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2025 22:19

@ArminTamzerian of course it is. So many ex couples on here that own property together have to live together until they sell the home
They both live in. There are many here wanting the ex to move out and they won't budge. Unless there is domestic abuse and one parent gets an occupation order then they both have the right to occupy the property they both own, one half of a couple can't kick someone out of the shared property just because of a romantic break up.

If he doesn't want to insist he moves back or they share the big house (I don't advise doing this but it would be helpful to point out you're entitled to it in the same way that she's saying she's entitled to cms) then I'd tell her than if she goes to CMS he'll have to charge her occupational use

How is he entitled to it? He hasn't clarified who paid for it, or if they were married. He seems incredibly tight, I presume he insisted her parents pay for it.

ArminTamzerian · 02/05/2025 22:25

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2025 22:19

@ArminTamzerian of course it is. So many ex couples on here that own property together have to live together until they sell the home
They both live in. There are many here wanting the ex to move out and they won't budge. Unless there is domestic abuse and one parent gets an occupation order then they both have the right to occupy the property they both own, one half of a couple can't kick someone out of the shared property just because of a romantic break up.

If he doesn't want to insist he moves back or they share the big house (I don't advise doing this but it would be helpful to point out you're entitled to it in the same way that she's saying she's entitled to cms) then I'd tell her than if she goes to CMS he'll have to charge her occupational use

He's already moved out. He's got his own flat.

It's fairly bloody obvious that he can't just move back into her home if he feels like it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2025 22:23

Ps how does this situation work with dating?
If you bring a new potential girlfriend back to stay the night aren't you worried about jumping into kids and ex in the lift?
Do you ever 'babysit' your kids in your exes home so that she can have nights out or does she stay in with them every night? If you work out the cost of cms per night it's a very cheap babysitting fee tbh which is gladly apt for the freedom to be able to go out any evening I choose and have a social life

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/05/2025 22:21

Or you insist she buys you out of the big flat and then you can take that cash to upgrade your own flat to a bigger one and have the kids stay with you more