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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want fiance to get rid of his cats

759 replies

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:40

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

  • Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.
  • His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)
  • I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment
  • I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

OP posts:
FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 09:46

Magentaflies · 04/05/2025 09:15

OP, Mumsnet is no place to ask a question like this. There are a lot of lonely people here who are fanatical about pets and prize them over people.

Back in the real world, people do rehome animals where necessary, a dog that hasn’t adapted to a baby, a cat when moving to a care home, a cat the person you are going to marry is allergic too…

These are all solid reasons to rehome pets. The cats will be fine in new homes.

However, if he values his cats over you, don’t marry him.

Show quote history

Or, we simply don't see an animal as a toy that you dispose of when it becomes an inconvenience, and simply are responsible owners that take the responsibility of caring for an innocent sentient creature seriously.

Back in the real world, people do rehome animals where necessary, a dog that hasn’t adapted to a baby, a cat when moving to a care home, a cat the person you are going to marry is allergic too…

The first two are valid reasons, if the dog becomes aggressive or violent or an elderly or sick person is moving to a care home. As those are already set up scenarios. The third one is not a valid reason as since you already have the cats you simply don't live together. It's really very simple. If you are a responsible person.

If he values the lives of an innocent animal over a woman he can be in a relationship with but not live with, then that shows a green flag and that he doesn't ditch responsibility or commitment. Any man (or woman) who could dump and animal at the shelter for a girlfriend is a walking red flag. If he would do that to an innocent animal, he'd do it to her.

WhereIsMyJumper · 04/05/2025 09:46

I reckon if the OP came back to tell everyone it turns out her son is allergic to cats too that she will be told to rehome her son.

BigButtons · 04/05/2025 09:43

Frillysweetpea · 03/05/2025 18:31

Bloody hell - can not believe the hard time you are getting! First of all, he got cats even though you were (nearly) engaged and had a dog plus you turned out to be allergic to them! If your child was allergic everybody would be telling you he should rehome the cats yesterday. Being from an atopic family, I know it is no less serious that it is you that has the allergy. You also have a child with additional needs so if you are unwell and/or the animals fight it will be a nightmare. Of course he should rehome the cats!

Edited

Well op had a cat previously. And not all cats cause allergy symptoms. My family were fine with my old cat- my new kittens- which they desperately wanted - are causing symptoms- I bought air filters and we take antihistamines. They would kill me if I rehomed the kittens.
I don’t like the op’s attitude to the kittens generally. Can’t go upstairs etc. No way would I go and live with her and her chaotic noisy house.

WhereIsMyJumper · 04/05/2025 09:42

Newbie1011 · 03/05/2025 19:38

I rehomed my much loved cat because once our dc turned up it became clear she was unhappy living in a house with young children. She was showing lots of signs of stress. She went to live with my MIL who kindly took her in and showered her with lots of love and she is much happier in a quiet predictable house with only two adults. All of her symptoms resolved overnight. We visit her still all the time and she still shows me lots of affection when I see her but it’s clear everyone is better off. I don’t get this idea that it’s evil to rehome a cat if they’ll be better off that way! There are lots of people online looking to rehome well-socialised animals including lonely older people who can provide ideal homes for cats, who mostly like quiet and routine. Some of these posts are just ridiculous!

I completely agree and FWIW, you did the right thing. Cats even sometimes rehome themselves (ever heard of the universal cat distribution system? 😂)

I love both cats and dogs. But some of the responses here are way over the top. Suggesting the OP rehome her dog when nobody is allergic to the bloody dog! Or that she is selfish and a walking red flag for not wanting to share her house with animals that make her throat close up. I wouldn’t want to have to take medication every day just to be mildly comfortable in my own home.
Plus, the fiancé has said he would be ok to rehome the cats if it doesn’t work out.
I think the fact that OP is willing to at least try it shows she isn’t selfish.

FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 09:39

Booboobagins · 04/05/2025 08:59

You obviously live in a different world to me. We married 6m later and started a family a few months later. How could living apart work? Seriously! The cats btw went to a family member so he saw them regularly.

We then had dogs which i am not allergic to.

Btw using your very flawed logic, if one of our kids developed an allergy to the cats who I put my kid in care cos the cats came first?

Show quote history

No need to take it so personally. I was talking about the OP, not you.

Magentaflies · 04/05/2025 09:37

FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 09:28

Now, it's a massive red flag that she wants him to rehome his pets, which are a lifetime responsibility. It is selfish and a red flag.

They can live separately. None of this is needed. No way would I give up my pets for a man, the pets come first. A person who will just dump an innocent animal for some girlfriend is a WALKING RED FLAG, and a girlfriend who expects it is even worse. @Magentaflies

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You are exactly the sort of person, with exactly the type of mentality that I am strongly advising OP to dump.

Magentaflies · 04/05/2025 09:35

Perhapsanothertime · 04/05/2025 08:50

I was going to say the bloke clearly needs to rehome his fiancée! 🤣

OP this sounds very demanding and controlling. You’re meant to be a partnership, not just mould him and make him do what you want him to so that he slots nicely into your life.

Show quote history

Genuinely insane response.

A partnership is not bringing an allergen your partner is allergic to, permanently into their home.

FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 09:28

Magentaflies · 04/05/2025 08:46

You can’t live with an animal you are allergic too.

If he can’t understand this, you need to end the relationship.

It’s a massive red flag that he is expecting you to do this. Think what it says about how he really views you. He will always put what he wants before you.

Now, it's a massive red flag that she wants him to rehome his pets, which are a lifetime responsibility. It is selfish and a red flag.

They can live separately. None of this is needed. No way would I give up my pets for a man, the pets come first. A person who will just dump an innocent animal for some girlfriend is a WALKING RED FLAG, and a girlfriend who expects it is even worse. @Magentaflies

FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 09:23

cardboardvillage · 04/05/2025 07:30

Yes he should due to your allergies

why would you get TWO cats when your future spouse is allergic 🙄

Oh like he had ESP and knew their relationship was serious and even that she was allergic to cats? Be real! It was years ago that he got the cats. Do you refuse to get a pet in case one day you might get a partner, @cardboardvillage ? Bottle that clairvoyancy and sell it. 🙄

No, he shouldn't. They simply shouldn't move in together. Better and easier solution.

XxSideshowAuntSallyx · 04/05/2025 09:22

I'm shocked (actually I'm not because it's the way people are) at the amount of people who see cats as disposable and get rid of them just like that. People need to think long and hard before getting a cat, they aren't and should never be an easy thing to get rid of.

Rescues are full of cats who people have decided they can't be bothered with, or a new child or girlfriend has come along and now the cat is an unwanted hassle. Rescues do a good job but it is traumatic for the animals. Also many rescues are not taking on pets peope don't want as they don't have the space, a lot of pets got in lockdown have ended up being rehomed.

I say this as the proud slave owner to two rescue cats.

The OP has changed her story continuously over this thread. And when she doesn't get the support she wanted she's now dropped in that he has arranged the wedding, she's giving up her office for his gaming room, and it was his idea to rehome them.

Magentaflies · 04/05/2025 09:15

FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 08:49

Or, the OP needs to be 'removed' from her partner's life. Or, they live separately. No need for the cats to be 'rehomed' at all.

Sorry but there was no need for your BF to rehome his own cats, they come first. He should have lived separately until the cats died. You don't just dump your animals for some current girlfriend, a relationship that most likely won't last anyway.

Edited
Show quote history

OP, Mumsnet is no place to ask a question like this. There are a lot of lonely people here who are fanatical about pets and prize them over people.

Back in the real world, people do rehome animals where necessary, a dog that hasn’t adapted to a baby, a cat when moving to a care home, a cat the person you are going to marry is allergic too…

These are all solid reasons to rehome pets. The cats will be fine in new homes.

However, if he values his cats over you, don’t marry him.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 04/05/2025 09:14

He was the one brought it up to me.

Which is exactly why you shouldn't more in with him. He's irresponsible.

He took on the responsibility for those cats and then when they became inconvenient he proposed getting rid of them. He knew you were going to move in together, he knew this situation could arise but he wanted cats so he didn't care about the consequences for you. or for the cats, later on. He's made a mess and now everyone else has to suffer the consequences. He creates problems for other people to solve.

He will do similar things again. He shouldn't be living with you, or your dog, or most especially your child.

FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 09:04

Poppyseeds79 · 04/05/2025 00:01

Why are you even still here quibbling about schematics? You don't want the cats at yours. You've made that very clear. Just get them re-homed together, to someone who actually wants them. It's not worth the cats being miserable because you'll just resent them anyway.

Show quote history

Or, she just doesn't have him move in with her.

Simple.

FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 09:01

Loutina · 03/05/2025 23:26

Would you also deliberately get 2 cats when you knew you were soon to be moving in with your allergic, doberman-owning, unsuitable-house-owning fiancée?? Shame on you if you would, that's so irresponsible, entitled, and totally unable to compromise.

Show quote history

I doubt she was his fiance back then. OP even says they weren't even sure of the relationship then or if they were going to move in together.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2025 09:00

TheAmusedQuail · 02/05/2025 10:59

Unreasonable. They are his family. They were there first.

No op was there first she's said

Booboobagins · 04/05/2025 08:59

FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 08:49

Or, the OP needs to be 'removed' from her partner's life. Or, they live separately. No need for the cats to be 'rehomed' at all.

Sorry but there was no need for your BF to rehome his own cats, they come first. He should have lived separately until the cats died. You don't just dump your animals for some current girlfriend, a relationship that most likely won't last anyway.

Edited
Show quote history

You obviously live in a different world to me. We married 6m later and started a family a few months later. How could living apart work? Seriously! The cats btw went to a family member so he saw them regularly.

We then had dogs which i am not allergic to.

Btw using your very flawed logic, if one of our kids developed an allergy to the cats who I put my kid in care cos the cats came first?

FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 08:54

Trishafeminisha · 03/05/2025 23:03

Not unreasonable at all. You’re allergic and having to medicate around cats. It’s not a cat v dog argument. It’s a health issue. Hard situation for you both. Good luck.

It is unreasonable. Pets are for life, not until you meet a current girlfriend. He should live separately until the cats have passed. That would be the only fair solution other than admitting they are not compatible and splitting up. The cats come first.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2025 08:54

An outdoor cattery or summer/outhouse witb heating in the winter is an expensive but potential solution

Perhapsanothertime · 04/05/2025 08:50

catsand · 02/05/2025 09:51

I would have rehomed DH before rehoming my cat if he couldn’t adapt to living with her

I was going to say the bloke clearly needs to rehome his fiancée! 🤣

OP this sounds very demanding and controlling. You’re meant to be a partnership, not just mould him and make him do what you want him to so that he slots nicely into your life.

FlakyCritic · 04/05/2025 08:49

Booboobagins · 03/05/2025 22:47

Shes not allergic to her dog. Shes allergic to the cats!

@ellie09 I am allergic to cats. We rehoused my BFs cats after 6m. I'm left with asthma. Please do not marginalise your allergies. This type of allergy is a type 1 allergy. Google what that means.

I know our pets are our family. Your blended family (people and pets) is not compatible. Im so sorry but the cats need to be removed. If anything family member could take them at least he will still see them.

Show quote history

Or, the OP needs to be 'removed' from her partner's life. Or, they live separately. No need for the cats to be 'rehomed' at all.

Sorry but there was no need for your BF to rehome his own cats, they come first. He should have lived separately until the cats died. You don't just dump your animals for some current girlfriend, a relationship that most likely won't last anyway.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2025 08:48

slashlover · 02/05/2025 10:09

I will try to make it work in my home with his cats

This says everything, calling it YOUR home and HIS cats.

It belongs to her

Magentaflies · 04/05/2025 08:46

You can’t live with an animal you are allergic too.

If he can’t understand this, you need to end the relationship.

It’s a massive red flag that he is expecting you to do this. Think what it says about how he really views you. He will always put what he wants before you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2025 08:45

Omg I wouldn't give up my office for someone's gaming room! Can't two computers go there as presumably he won't be gaming in the working day?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2025 08:42

ChickenBananas · 02/05/2025 09:54

Why is your dog more important

Because he's not allergic to her dog

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/05/2025 08:41

I think the allergy means yes he should rehome them if he loves you and wants to live with you more than he loves and wants to live with his cats. Yanbu to ask him to choose. But you shouldn't this out before planning a wedding.