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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want fiance to get rid of his cats

759 replies

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:40

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

  • Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.
  • His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)
  • I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment
  • I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

OP posts:
Ilikeadrink14 · 02/05/2025 14:00

You’re not being slightly selfish, you are being VERY selfish! It’s ‘me,me,me’ with you as you think your dog is more important than your fiancé’s cats. I am surprised he hasn’t run for the hills! Not because you won’t tolerate his cats, but because you clearly don’t give a toss how he feels and it proves you have a very entitled side to you.I hope he sees sense soon!

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 14:00

HonestAquaMember · 02/05/2025 13:54

My cat loves me - he greets me when I get home, sleeps next to me at night and chooses to sleep on my lap in an evening when he has a multitude of soft beds around the house! Just because you don't have a personal experience of cats' love doesn't mean it doesn't exist!

My experiences tends to be:

Cat lovers - dogs are fine, I just have a preference for cats.
Dog lovers - cats are the DEVIL INCARNATE and they all HATE me for NO REASON

Admittedly, I am a dog lover (obviously!) But absolutely dont hate or dislike cats!

My DPs two cats are lovely, and always up for jumping on our laps for cuddles. One of his cats waits by the window for us when we come and go and likes to greet us at the door.

As long as I have my antihistamine, I am all down for cat cuddles on the sofa!

OP posts:
Mumnotbruh · 02/05/2025 13:57

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:48

No, its a 6 year old Rottweiler nearing the last few years of its life. I wouldnt rehome her.

Last few years of life at 6? Is she ill? If so then you won’t have a problem with them not getting on for long….

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 13:56

Whyherewego · 02/05/2025 13:52

Have you tried Purina LiveClear food for the cats @ellie09 ? We use this for our Dcats and it stops mild allergies and reduces impacts of more severe ones.

Ill suggest this to him - they apparently have really sensitive stomachs if he changes their food, but its worth a shot!

OP posts:
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 13:56

Lorlorlorikeet · 02/05/2025 13:45

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Why did you do all that for him? Just live separately. A gamer, two cats, a kid with ASD and a Rottweiler sounds like absolute chaos.

I have an ASD son and know how important it is to accommodate coping mechanism tools or special hobbies as best as you can. DP has high functioning ASD also and this is his.

Ive set up a smaller desk space for me in our bedroom (which is all I need). The new gaming room is my DS old bedroom - its quite small and DS needed upgraded to the bigger room so he can get a double bed anyhow (which DS is delighted with as we are also able to now get his swinging chair).

E.g. my DS has ASD and I have had to spend lots of money adapting the garden with lots of play equipment, a sensory "shed" for him as he uses physical activity as a coping mechanism.

Its different for each person and hard to explain to people that may not have experience of it.

On the other hand, I'm always out and about etc so my safe space and chance to unwind is walking and hiking etc (which the dog and DS love also, and DP at times!)

OP posts:
HonestAquaMember · 02/05/2025 13:54

Lovelysummerdays · 02/05/2025 13:28

My dog loves me though, the cat tolerates me as I feed her nice things.

My cat loves me - he greets me when I get home, sleeps next to me at night and chooses to sleep on my lap in an evening when he has a multitude of soft beds around the house! Just because you don't have a personal experience of cats' love doesn't mean it doesn't exist!

My experiences tends to be:

Cat lovers - dogs are fine, I just have a preference for cats.
Dog lovers - cats are the DEVIL INCARNATE and they all HATE me for NO REASON

Thecatandme · 02/05/2025 13:53

MidnightPatrol · 02/05/2025 13:32

Not allowing cats outside at all is quite unusual in the UK. They like to be outside.

I’ve got an indoor cat

He was re homed by a rescue for the second time with me. Previously he had never been outside. They were quite happy that he stayed the same.

When I took him to the vet for his annual jabs and MoT she was of the view that it was past the stage when he would be able to adapt to outside

I’ve had cats all my life (my mum was a PDSA fosterer and we always had two or three around) I’m in my 70s and this guy is the first one I’ve been allergic to

Piriton works fine for me. I’m on various meds and the GP suggested it. I’ve had him about three years now and if I forget to take it the symptoms soon appear

No way I’d rehome him though because I am allergic. Not his fault and he is very happy here

I think I’m in the camp of OP and partner not moving in together at the moment

Whyherewego · 02/05/2025 13:52

Have you tried Purina LiveClear food for the cats @ellie09 ? We use this for our Dcats and it stops mild allergies and reduces impacts of more severe ones.

HJ91 · 02/05/2025 13:49

I’d echo other posts about the irresponsibility of this whole situation BUT you’re stuck with two wonderful cats who need to have a calm, safe and happy home environment.

IF your dog is indeed cat friendly, I’d highly recommend investing in a proper garden cat-proofing system, and make sure the dog doesn’t have outdoor access beyond a limited area.

godmum56 · 02/05/2025 13:48

BeachRide · 02/05/2025 13:32

We don't have bears or mountain lions!

or rabies

kalokagathos · 02/05/2025 13:48

I would break up over pets. No way would I rehome them. I would rehome myself away from my fiancé 😃

Lorlorlorikeet · 02/05/2025 13:45

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 10:02

Yes, he has planned all our wedding, got his venue of choice in his hometown which is quite a bit away from my family (we are splitting cost 50/50)

He has got his choice of providers when he are combining bills in the future (he wanted particular wifi, electric, tv companies for his PC requirements which are a lot pricier than I pay atm) and a room in my 3 bed cleared out and waiting for him for his gaming room (which I had to vacate my office for!)

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Why did you do all that for him? Just live separately. A gamer, two cats, a kid with ASD and a Rottweiler sounds like absolute chaos.

reesespieces123 · 02/05/2025 13:44

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 10:13

Because he has one in his current house - lots of PCs and equipment that he will need room for.
Ive had to set up a smaller desk in my bedroom.

Its not all one sided, I have made some compromises also in this move so that he can still have his hobbies etc when he moves in.

The lifestyle he has given to his cats though - not being outside, allowed to roam the entire house and sleep in his bed etc can't really be enforced in my house.

My house is also loud, with very few places for two cats to go for reprieve if they are feeling overwhelmed. I have an open plan kitchen and living room, so no separate rooms downstairs.

Don't marry a man who thinks that hos gaming room trumps your office! You'll be back in a few years complaining that he's gaming rather than changing nappies. @ellie09

mumda · 02/05/2025 13:44

I'd hazard a guess this is a reverse. The person with cats hates the dog and found a way to avoid it moving in.

CowCat · 02/05/2025 13:43

For the cat allergies, you could start feeding them Purina Liveclear cat food. It reduces allergens on cat hair & dander.

FindingNemosBall · 02/05/2025 13:42

I'm another vote for team cats.

DangerousAlchemy · 02/05/2025 13:39

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 12:36

Thanks for your well written post!

Yes, it was an irresponsible move on DP's part. He often buys things without really "thinking" until recently when we had started saving jointly and I had a harsh sit down with him and gave him a reality check. E.g. he bought a huge drumkit that didnt get used then resold after a few months, and bought a large TV for "us" when he eventually move in but he forgot to measure it (it wont fit in my house)

When he first got the cats, it was because he felt lonely living alone and was more for his mental health etc. He has a bit of tunnel vision and I dont think he looked at the wider picture. He has Aspergers so it may come into play a bit (hence he has a gaming room / PCs also which is his coping mechanisms and I have accomodated this space for him in my home for when he moves in).

We all get on with each others animals. Despite my allergies, I love cuddling up on the sofa with the cats while at his house, and my dog adores my DP as well (I dont get a look in if he stays at mine!) His cats are so gentle natured and well mannered that I worry my house will be too much for them!

Allergies aren't an issue apart from the fact I cant have them on my bed etc. This makes them going upstairs rather difficult.

We are going through some ideas such as converting under the stairs into a little hidey hole for them and installing baby gates etc to the stairs to prevent dog going up, so we will likely give it a try and see how it goes.

Build some walkways and high up shelves and a floor to ceiling cat tree maybe, they can escape up high if dog and child get a bit much for them. Maybe a catio going forward? or cat-proof the garden? We'd did this ourselves for a few hundred quid as we have a blind longterm foster cat who loves being outside. Ignore all the haters OP. Sounds like the cats were an impulse buy on your partner's part and it sounds like you are doing your best to accommodate them. Hopefully the intros go well and the cats aren't too stressed by the move. Good luck.

albalass · 02/05/2025 13:37

I'm allergic to cats and there is no way I could live with one. When visiting relatives/friends who have cats I have to take antihistamines for days before and during my visit, have a ventolin inhaler with me (which I only need for this allergy - I don't have asthma), and even then I still wheeze a lot, my lungs actually ache, my eyes itch - it's just miserable.

CalleOcho · 02/05/2025 13:36

You should have moved in together and explored your relationship to see if you were compatible with each others life styles and pets before getting engaged.

Obviously it’s happened now. I think you either accept him and his cats to live together with you- or you end the relationship. You can’t expect someone to re home their pets. If you don’t want cats in your house then don’t move him in.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 02/05/2025 13:36

I would never get rid of my cat. No way. If you take on an animal you have a responsibility to it.

BeachRide · 02/05/2025 13:32

BigHeadBertha · 02/05/2025 13:26

Is this accurate, about the rescues there not approving of cats not being allowed outdoors?

I'm in the US, and here it's largely considered irresponsible to let cats go outdoors at all (unless there's a safely enclosed space like a "catio,"). Just curious.

Edited

We don't have bears or mountain lions!

MidnightPatrol · 02/05/2025 13:32

BigHeadBertha · 02/05/2025 13:26

Is this accurate, about the rescues there not approving of cats not being allowed outdoors?

I'm in the US, and here it's largely considered irresponsible to let cats go outdoors at all (unless there's a safely enclosed space like a "catio,"). Just curious.

Edited

Not allowing cats outside at all is quite unusual in the UK. They like to be outside.

wordywitch · 02/05/2025 13:30

@BigHeadBertha Yes, it’s the opposite in the UK, with most rescues only allowing you to adopt a cat if they will have access to outdoor space.

moose62 · 02/05/2025 13:29

I think the best solution is to rehome the cats before you move on together or he will have to wait until your dog is no longer with you.
It us horrible when you have an allergy to an animal. It never goes away. The cats would probably be better off rehomed when they might have the opportunity to have a nicer life and go outside than if they are stuck downstairs with a dog in a noisy small house.
This isn't only about DF and you, it is about the animals and as you say, the cats have a long lifespan ahead of them and shouldn't have to compromise.

Lovelysummerdays · 02/05/2025 13:28

HonestAquaMember · 02/05/2025 09:47

Why is it that dog owners always think dogs come before cats? All three are dearly loved pets - why should he rehome the cats because you want him to? If you wouldn't rehome your dog, you can't expect him to rehome his cats.

Edited

My dog loves me though, the cat tolerates me as I feed her nice things.