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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want fiance to get rid of his cats

759 replies

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:40

Hi all

I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own).

About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment.

I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since.

Some concerns I have:

  • Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc.
  • His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies)
  • I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment
  • I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats

We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also.

He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed.

AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go?

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

OP posts:
Bestfadeplans · 02/05/2025 20:59

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 09:48

No, its a 6 year old Rottweiler nearing the last few years of its life. I wouldnt rehome her.

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Erm 6 isn't even middle age.

And his two cats have already been rehomed once. Why does your dog trump his 2?

Grammarnut · 02/05/2025 20:35

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 02/05/2025 12:03

Football is a game, and rugby, and tennis, you don't call sports players childish. Just because you don't like something you can't just deem it 'childish'. Why should adults have to give up what they find fun? I don't find it fun personally but I wouldn't demean others for it.

OP I think the cats need to become outside cats! Unless you're on a main road or they're rag dolls or something they'll be a lot happier.

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I know. But spending your evenings playing Minecraft or whatever seems an utter waste of time. Find something more interesting to do? Read War and Peace or Tolkein, go and watch a film? And also gaming appears addictive in ways that playing football (or watching it) don't seem to be. To be discouraged?

Pumpkin05 · 02/05/2025 20:16

CraftyNavySeal · 02/05/2025 09:59

Tbf, cat allergies can be weird. There was a point when I was allergic to cats, I couldn’t be in the same room as them. Now I have looked after friends cats, fostered them and now I have my own.

I suspect that it’s because some people don’t vacuum enough, there’s hair and dust floating around. You could try looking after them in your own house for a week and seeing what happens.

Same thing happened with us, my husband was “allergic to cats” we ended up having to move in with my parents who owned a cat, but he was fine after a couple of weeks

Luv2luv9 · 02/05/2025 20:11

I can't accept adults with allergies taking precendies over an animal & moving them in to their home while allergies especially their child exist.Each to their own

badwithnumbers · 02/05/2025 19:48

I wouldn't rehome my cats, if I was him. You sound a bit entitled.

notsureyetcertain · 02/05/2025 19:26

It’s not reasonable for anyone to rehome pets. I’d say you could try the pets together and see how it goes for visits but if they are incompatible then you need to live separately.

Swiftie1878 · 02/05/2025 18:48

ellie09 · 02/05/2025 17:45

Yes, he knew all this when he got them. I raised the question to him at the time to be told "it'll be a while off until we move in anyway", and it has been around 2 years since then, but he knew that this day would come eventually.

I couldn't exactly stop him at the time, dating for one year, from getting his own pets.

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I’m guessing he never dreamt you’d make him get rid of them.

JustMeHello · 02/05/2025 18:48

I've got my cat because he belonged to a colleague who was moving in with her boyfriend who had a bit of a cat allergy - not serious, antihistamines worked but he didn't want to take them. She said she was devastated to give him up, but she never asked about him after the first few weeks of him living with me. He's my darling and he adores me, and has been here for 13 years now, and I'm thrilled she gave him up because I can't imagine being without him (which will happen soon as he's a bit creaky, and is 19) but I can't imagine choosing to do that personally. But imo, my cat is better off with me than he was with her, if she cared so little that she could just give him up. Maybe your fiance's cats will be better off away from him if it's something he's willing to entertain.

Itsjustgonenoonhalfpastmonsoon · 02/05/2025 18:45

Well if you say you “only have a 3 bed terrace”, a couple of small cats are going to take up less space than a hulking great dog. Rottweilers are hardly dinky.

HobbyHorse30 · 02/05/2025 18:25

I actually think the dog is irrelevant here, if your concern is your allergies.

I’m fully prepared to be flamed here but my DH rehomed his two house cats when, after I moved in, we discovered I had a severe allergy to them (I’m also allergic to nuts, latex and other allergens; it’s wasn’t just a wee skin irritation either. I genuinely couldn’t have continued to live in the house with them). The cats went to a good home where they remained for the duration of their lives, and our relationship outlived the cats so it wasn’t for nothing.

Charlize43 · 02/05/2025 18:22

Clearly the solution here is to defer moving in together until 2040 or until the last animal has died.

When you adopt an animal you are making a commitment to look after it for the duration of its life and to provide it with the best life you possibly can. It is the least you can do, as sadly animals don't have a say when they get picked and end up with shit owners. They are not just there for temporary amusement. They are living creatures that deserve respect.

FlowerUser · 02/05/2025 18:12

Frequency · 02/05/2025 11:04

I've never heard of fexofenadine. I have to take Piriton quite a lot, especially over summer. I'm also allergic to a lot of things (cats, rodents, birds, grass pollen, house dust, paint fumes are the ones I know about, and donkeys, but I do occasionally get symptoms and cannot pinpoint a cause, so there are some unknown allergies too.)

Do you need a prescription for it? My GP knows I take Piriton regularly and has never expressed any concern, so I assume it is considered safe for regular usage.

No you can get it online or in a chemist. I use it every day and it's better than Zirtec and non-drowsy.

But I would not have cats in the house because I am extremely allergic and they give me asthma. I have come out in a bad rash just from stroking a cat before now. Your health is far more important than cats who can be easily rehomed.

Original poster
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 17:59

Thelosthalfathought · 02/05/2025 17:57

not read the full thread but have you considered enclosing your garden so the cats can’t leave or attaching a catio to the house so the cats have an outdoor cat only space??

are they indoor only due to breed type or because they are FIV positive?

DPs choice to keep as house cats as he didn't want one to go missing or get run over (we both live close to main roads and forest parks)

OP posts:
Thelosthalfathought · 02/05/2025 17:57

not read the full thread but have you considered enclosing your garden so the cats can’t leave or attaching a catio to the house so the cats have an outdoor cat only space??

are they indoor only due to breed type or because they are FIV positive?

crazeekat · 02/05/2025 17:55

U are so selfish. And so is your partner if he actually gets rid of them.

Xwx1010 · 02/05/2025 17:51

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2025 09:43

Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

And would you?

This. If the house isn’t suitable for the ‘family’ of pets you have then consider moving together or making living in your home temporary. I’d never get rid of my animals.

maybe try putting up some cat shelves so they have some safe and preferably sunny spots of their own?

Original poster
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 17:51

adviceneeded1990 · 02/05/2025 17:31

I’d give it a go and see how the animals “blend” before making ultimatums. You might be surprised! My 2 house cats lived just with me in a quiet 2 bed house - I then met my now-DH who had an energetic spaniel aged 6 and my DSD who was then 2! Everyone adjusted just fine and one of the cats is cuddled up to the dog as I type!

Edited

See, my dog is a lovable big lump who loves a cuddle! I am hoping it goes this way!

His cats are also very cuddly and sociable (they have never once scratched/hissed at any of us)

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 17:49

Charlize43 · 02/05/2025 17:30

Emotional abuse normally starts with isolation. Hope he's aware enough to spot a red flag.

Funny enough, my DP mentioned rehoming them first, I have said nothing to him bar "we should just see how they get on first".

How am I emotionally isolating him when he brought up this as a solution in the first place?

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 17:45

Loutina · 02/05/2025 17:37

I'm not sure why you're getting all the hate OP. Your fiance was quite clear that this situation would occur when he got the cats - and he got them anyway. It's not like you have brought this up out of the blue.

For everyone saying 'if I was your fiance I'd end the relationship' surely they must also agree that if they were your fiance they also would have made the completely irresponsible and selfish choice to get animals knowing full well what the situation was and that they might not be able to keep them - or would be moving them into a potentially unsuitable and dangerous home.

And I suppose I admire them for their honesty in admitting it.

Edited

Yes, he knew all this when he got them. I raised the question to him at the time to be told "it'll be a while off until we move in anyway", and it has been around 2 years since then, but he knew that this day would come eventually.

I couldn't exactly stop him at the time, dating for one year, from getting his own pets.

OP posts:
forgotmyusername1 · 02/05/2025 17:45

wait until the dog dies before he moves in with his cats

Seems like the obvious answer

Original poster
ellie09 · 02/05/2025 17:43

Keepsmiling2948 · 02/05/2025 16:53

I wouldn’t move in with you if I was your partner. Lots of references to ‘yours’ and ‘your families home’ etc. gives the impression he’s never going to be allowed to forget that and will forever live as a guest on eggshells at your mercy. No chance.

It is my home. He hasn't moved in yet. When he moves in, its our home.

I dont call his current house "my house" or "our house", so why would it be different the other way around?

OP posts:
Loutina · 02/05/2025 17:37

I'm not sure why you're getting all the hate OP. Your fiance was quite clear that this situation would occur when he got the cats - and he got them anyway. It's not like you have brought this up out of the blue.

For everyone saying 'if I was your fiance I'd end the relationship' surely they must also agree that if they were your fiance they also would have made the completely irresponsible and selfish choice to get animals knowing full well what the situation was and that they might not be able to keep them - or would be moving them into a potentially unsuitable and dangerous home.

And I suppose I admire them for their honesty in admitting it.

adviceneeded1990 · 02/05/2025 17:31

I’d give it a go and see how the animals “blend” before making ultimatums. You might be surprised! My 2 house cats lived just with me in a quiet 2 bed house - I then met my now-DH who had an energetic spaniel aged 6 and my DSD who was then 2! Everyone adjusted just fine and one of the cats is cuddled up to the dog as I type!

Charlize43 · 02/05/2025 17:30

Emotional abuse normally starts with isolation. Hope he's aware enough to spot a red flag.

Notenoughsweeties · 02/05/2025 17:26

I wouldn’t have cats move in if I’m allergic to them.