To want fiance to get rid of his cats

ellie09 · 2025-05-02T08:40:55+00:00

Hi all I have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and we will be moving in together in the next couple of months into my house, as mine is cheaper and we can save more for the wedding and to buy our own house (I live in a "family" home rent free and fiance currently rents on his own). About a year into our relationship, he rehomed 2 kittens. They are house cats and very good natured but used to a really quiet environment. I have a Rottweiler aged 6, who used to live with a cat when she was a puppy (before I rehomed her) but hasn't lived with one since. Some concerns I have: - Shortly after getting his cats, I found out that I am allergic to them. If I go to his house, I need to make sure I take an antihistamine. If I forget to, I will get tight chest, sore eyes, runny nose etc. - His cats are house cats and I only live in a 3 bed terrace. I dont think there will be much room and I dont want any of our pets to go upstairs or lie on beds etc (its been a hard rule for my dog, and I would be enforcing it for the cats, especially due to my allergies) - I think the cats will struggle moving to a much noisier environment. I have a playful dog, and ASD child in a fairly smallish house. They're used to living in a really quiet environment - I have no idea how my much bigger dog will react to sharing a space with two cats We are planning to "try" to introduce the animals beforehand and try living with them at least for a bit to see how it goes, but honestly, it sounds like a lot of hard work, especially with me and fiance both WFH and needing a quiet space also. He is also aware that if my dog does not take well to his cats, that they will need to be rehomed. AIBU to suggest just rehoming them from the get go? Obviously, I am trying to put myself in his shoes if someone tried to persuade me to rehome my dog.

thecatneuterer · 26/05/2025 11:38

chaosmaker · 14/05/2025 21:00

I still say don't live together!

I agree!!

DearDenimEagle · 26/05/2025 06:36

Roobarbtwo · 20/05/2025 14:19

The issue isn't your dog - it's the fact that you want your fiance to get rid of his pets. Pets aren't commodities. They shouldn't just be passed around whenever it suits. I absolutely understand that there are times when people have no option but it's not up to you to demand that your fiancé gets rid of his pets.

As for your rules that pets shouldn't go upstairs and lie on beds - seriously, get real. You only live in a three bedroom terrace? I live in a one bedroom flat and I have three cats. They don't all live in the same space but come on.
Just seen the update - the cats are terrified. Awful. Don't put them through any more distress.

They've already been rescued and they are going to be given away again? When I was moving house a few years ago my cat stayed one night with my mum to make the house move easier (she knew my mum well) and she was so traumatised because she thought she was being dumped I had to bring her home the next day

You did read the part where she is allergic to cats?

Roobarbtwo · 20/05/2025 14:19

The issue isn't your dog - it's the fact that you want your fiance to get rid of his pets. Pets aren't commodities. They shouldn't just be passed around whenever it suits. I absolutely understand that there are times when people have no option but it's not up to you to demand that your fiancé gets rid of his pets.

As for your rules that pets shouldn't go upstairs and lie on beds - seriously, get real. You only live in a three bedroom terrace? I live in a one bedroom flat and I have three cats. They don't all live in the same space but come on.
Just seen the update - the cats are terrified. Awful. Don't put them through any more distress.

They've already been rescued and they are going to be given away again? When I was moving house a few years ago my cat stayed one night with my mum to make the house move easier (she knew my mum well) and she was so traumatised because she thought she was being dumped I had to bring her home the next day

Ownedbykitties · 14/05/2025 21:48

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 14/05/2025 14:29

Just reading this, it’s clear that this arrangement is not going to work for the cats, and I wouldn’t even attempt it.

Regardless of allergies, the area that they will be allowed into is too small and they will be forced into proximity with a dog and child when they are used to roaming their own, quiet home. Our cats can’t even cope with visitors, and they can go outdoors, so escape as soon as they can when people come around.

This situation is a cats worst nightmare - please don’t even attempt it for their sake and get the cats settled at the aunts as soon as possible.

This completely. Don't put those little cats through this. They are totally dependent on you two for their lives and happiness. If you are allergic to cats it's not going to work out anyway. This and your DC leaving doors open will put them at huge risk of harm, not to mention the chaotic household situation you say you have. Stop terrorizing those cats. They must be petrified to be shaking and vomiting. I've had cats all may life and I have only ever seen this once with a feral cat that was caught to be spayed. It was a horrible thing to see and upsetting. Does it upset you seeing the cats so terrified?

Justchillinhere · 14/05/2025 21:11

Please just send the cats to Auntie, forget all other scenarios

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 14/05/2025 21:09

This arrangement isn't fair on anyone concerned.

The cats are terrified. You are allergic. It feels like you've compromised because you don't want to force an ultimatum of it is me or the cats because that feels unfair to your partner but really it's unfair to you and the cats for your partner to agree to this compromise when he should be putting your health and their wellbeing first.

It feels like from the second he got them knowing you'd be moving in together he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

No, you shouldn't offer ultimatums. He should be sensible enough to put the welfare of his pets first, but equally neither should you agree to a compromise knowing it puts their welfare and wellbeing at risk to selfishly move a man into your property.

Not least withstanding your child. What if the cats remain terrified or your allergies don't settle but your child grows attached to them, and then suddenly they have to be rehomed?

This isn't going to end well for anyone.

chaosmaker · 14/05/2025 21:00

I still say don't live together!

Frillysweetpea · 14/05/2025 20:58

This ⬆️. Be done with it and then enjoy your new living arrangements. Am sick of people having a go at you, OP. As if you intended to traumatise the cats... 🙄 But it's clear your well meaning attempts to integrate them are not working.

croydon15 · 14/05/2025 18:52

The kindest thing to do to the cats is to settle them with the aunt.

Carrotsurprise · 14/05/2025 15:07

ellie09 · 14/05/2025 10:57

Just as an update

We are obviously going to try and live together with all pets etc first and trial it.

If it becomes too much, DP's aunt has offered to take both cats, so they will still be in the family and well looked after (at least they will be with someone we know!)

The pets have met 3 times now (through a glass door, not in same room) and the cats are still petrified to the point of being sick and shaking. My dog is just sitting as well, tail wagging (nothing excessive).

I think our main worries is the cats will become too stressed in my very chaotic house vs what they are used to and also that DS has a habit of leaving doors open etc so cats could end up escaping.

We will see how we get on first, but its a big relief to know theres an option there to rehome them with a family member.

If the cats are that scared, what exactly do you expect to be different when you trial living together? What's the point of even trying it when it obviously won't work?

Luv2luv9 · 14/05/2025 14:37

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 14/05/2025 14:29

Just reading this, it’s clear that this arrangement is not going to work for the cats, and I wouldn’t even attempt it.

Regardless of allergies, the area that they will be allowed into is too small and they will be forced into proximity with a dog and child when they are used to roaming their own, quiet home. Our cats can’t even cope with visitors, and they can go outdoors, so escape as soon as they can when people come around.

This situation is a cats worst nightmare - please don’t even attempt it for their sake and get the cats settled at the aunts as soon as possible.

It's not often I'm practically moved to tears by posts concerning cats and dogs simply because I'm allergic to dogs so I tend to base my opinions on this alone.

This time I'm moved to say I am in total support of the cats. They should not be subjected to this selfish experiment when it's perfectly clear how they feel. I sympathise with your allergies OP but this time the fact you are both considering putting the cats through this, never mind your child who is caught in the middle, appalls me.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 14/05/2025 14:29

Just reading this, it’s clear that this arrangement is not going to work for the cats, and I wouldn’t even attempt it.

Regardless of allergies, the area that they will be allowed into is too small and they will be forced into proximity with a dog and child when they are used to roaming their own, quiet home. Our cats can’t even cope with visitors, and they can go outdoors, so escape as soon as they can when people come around.

This situation is a cats worst nightmare - please don’t even attempt it for their sake and get the cats settled at the aunts as soon as possible.

Notenoughsweeties · 14/05/2025 13:35

Yes, allergies are serious. People dismiss them, brush them off, but they can be really debilitating.
Saying this as someone who can’t take the medication I need as I am allergic to it (anaphylaxis).
DC is allergic to cats and dogs. It really interferes with his life. Difficultly visiting friends and relatives houses etc. Sleepovers impossible. This is when dosed to the max on antihistamines.

Thesoundofscience · 14/05/2025 13:34

@Frequency In our house, the cats are more likely to chase and annoy the dogs 😬

TheRubyPoet · 14/05/2025 13:23

Horticula · 14/05/2025 13:11

This in spades. Even reading that about the poor cats is dreadful, let alone witnessing it and STILL thinking it's fine to try them all living together. It's plain that for you your dog comes first above everything and everyone else.

Show quote history

OP is ALLERGIC to cats.
So am I. Sick of the 'take an antihistamine' crowd. All brands of AH make me fall asleep and they don't help with the asthmatic wheezing NOT BREATHING and ending up in A&E because my ex thought he could style it out, vacuum more and keep the cats out of the bedroom. It didn't work, the protein in the cats saliva sets me off.
He admits he was unrealistic about wanting to keep his cats and expecting me to move in with cats after the A&E Dr told us that it's not possible for me to live with cats, full stop.
I think COVID made people fall in love with their animals. I chose not to give him an ultimatum 'me or the cats' and just ended things due to incompatibility.
2 months later he said he was stupid to try to get me to compromise and asked to meet but why would anyone want to be with someone who prioritised animal relationships over human connection?

Horticula · 14/05/2025 13:11

Luv2luv9 · 14/05/2025 12:52

Thank you for the update. I admit reading this and seeing you are both willing to have the cats shaking and being sick at the sight of a huge dog they will never get used to is to me bordering on cruelty. I hope the poor souls go and live with the aunt as suggested without putting them through this trauma.

Show quote history

This in spades. Even reading that about the poor cats is dreadful, let alone witnessing it and STILL thinking it's fine to try them all living together. It's plain that for you your dog comes first above everything and everyone else.

Ddakji · 14/05/2025 12:54

Great update @ellie09.

Luv2luv9 · 14/05/2025 12:52

ellie09 · 14/05/2025 10:57

Just as an update

We are obviously going to try and live together with all pets etc first and trial it.

If it becomes too much, DP's aunt has offered to take both cats, so they will still be in the family and well looked after (at least they will be with someone we know!)

The pets have met 3 times now (through a glass door, not in same room) and the cats are still petrified to the point of being sick and shaking. My dog is just sitting as well, tail wagging (nothing excessive).

I think our main worries is the cats will become too stressed in my very chaotic house vs what they are used to and also that DS has a habit of leaving doors open etc so cats could end up escaping.

We will see how we get on first, but its a big relief to know theres an option there to rehome them with a family member.

Thank you for the update. I admit reading this and seeing you are both willing to have the cats shaking and being sick at the sight of a huge dog they will never get used to is to me bordering on cruelty. I hope the poor souls go and live with the aunt as suggested without putting them through this trauma.

DemelzaandRoss · 14/05/2025 11:54

I wouldn’t marry you if you were my fiancé.
YABU.

Beamur · 14/05/2025 11:52

Thanks for the update OP. Nice to know there's a back up plan and alternative home for the cats.
Not sure I get all the rottie hate. I know a few people who own them and find them to be loyal and loving dogs.

Original poster

ellie09 · 14/05/2025 10:58

Thesoundofscience · 13/05/2025 10:13

@Luv2luv9 What’s the 🙄 for? Op isn’t asking for advice on the relationship between her dog and child. That isn’t an issue for her as far as I understand, only for the number of people who’ve jumped on her for her choice of breed of dog, which is one the best, in my opinion (which I understand is totally subjective and only based on my own experience of this beautiful, loyal breed).

I would never get another breed of dog now - the best I have had for families, and I've had cockers, beagles, labs and jack Russell!

OP posts:

Original poster

ellie09 · 14/05/2025 10:57

Just as an update

We are obviously going to try and live together with all pets etc first and trial it.

If it becomes too much, DP's aunt has offered to take both cats, so they will still be in the family and well looked after (at least they will be with someone we know!)

The pets have met 3 times now (through a glass door, not in same room) and the cats are still petrified to the point of being sick and shaking. My dog is just sitting as well, tail wagging (nothing excessive).

I think our main worries is the cats will become too stressed in my very chaotic house vs what they are used to and also that DS has a habit of leaving doors open etc so cats could end up escaping.

We will see how we get on first, but its a big relief to know theres an option there to rehome them with a family member.

OP posts:

Frequency · 13/05/2025 10:49

Anecdotal, but we have a rottie x and a bunch of idiotic lapdogs/toy dogs. The chihuahuas are 100% more likely to chase the cats. They have a love/hate relationship. The rottie x learned long ago that cats have sharp claws are best avoided.

Edited to say he also learned long ago that chihuahuas are actually rabid wolves in disguise and are also best avoided

Frequency · 13/05/2025 10:42

Luv2luv9 · 13/05/2025 09:41

@Thesoundofscience This makes it all OK and safe for the child too,especially if the Rottie becomes agitated and starts chasing the cats 🙄

Edited

Why would it chase the cat? It's a rottweiler, not a sighthound, they are not known for having a high prey drive. They are a herding/guardian type breed, not a hunting type.

Thesoundofscience · 13/05/2025 10:13

@Luv2luv9 What’s the 🙄 for? Op isn’t asking for advice on the relationship between her dog and child. That isn’t an issue for her as far as I understand, only for the number of people who’ve jumped on her for her choice of breed of dog, which is one the best, in my opinion (which I understand is totally subjective and only based on my own experience of this beautiful, loyal breed).