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Original poster

Urgent advice needed, am I being crazy or is DP trying to f*** me over

166 replies

TravisRains · 02/05/2025 09:29

Long time poster, changed names.

I am gonna keep this brief but try not to drip feed.

2 female partners - together 15 years

1 partner went through IUI to have a child. This was done as a single woman, other female not named on birth certificate. Reasons being, she did not meet criteria to be part of the fertility journey. very long boring story but ultimately it was her fault.

DS only has me on birth certificate. This comes to today. DS is 7 years old. Me and DP have split. No cheating, nothing like that, she just stopped giving any kind of attention/sex. We would argue all the time and I made the decision to end it.

I have the house. Now in receipt of Universal credit which tops up my full time wage a bit.

She is now sofa surfing at her brothers house and cant afford a mortgage. She is looking to get one with housing association.

However, she has very little points as despite having our DS 60/40 (I have majority) she has nothing linking her to being the other mother. She has asked about applying for parental responsibility or adoption for security as is terrified I will take him away (I wont).

Now she is asking me to transfer child benefit into her name so that the council can see she has some custody of a child and help her with her housing claim.

I don't want to do this but her family are pressuring me. I moved to a rural location with her years ago and have zero support network here.

What are the implications of putting the child benefit in her name to get her off my back. Or should I not? Could she then essentially take my UC claim away from me?

This is a messed up situation but please be kind. I am very fragile right now with a lot of stuff going on, bereavement etc and now this.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 02/05/2025 13:14

I’m very against children being used as a financial cash cow - and that seems to be more of the motive here than anything else- a separated dad wouldn’t get priority as a non resident parent - even if on the BC either- so nope OP she is using your child

BernardButlersBra · 02/05/2025 13:14

@pikkumyy77 l think it is relevant

With regards to the original post then no l wouldn't transfer the CB. You do more of the parenting and her getting housed isn't especially your issue. She needs to sort that herself and won't probably be a big priority anyway. Why now about the adoption etc? As others have said she's had 7 years to sort this if she was so inclined

Hdjdb42 · 02/05/2025 13:12

Don't do it as it will mess up your U.C. and classes her as the main residential parent. She will just have to trust you, and yes that is enough.

SP2024 · 02/05/2025 13:11

TravisRains · 02/05/2025 09:50

Both our BMI had to be under a certain number and non smoking. She did not quit smoking and her BMI was big. If we'd have waited for her to lose the weight, it would have taken longer so she said for me to do it on my own.

I tried putting her on the birth certificate but the registrar said I needed evidence from HFEA that she was involved in the process as a couple.

Show quote history

This feels very unfair for same sex couples. I had ivf and at no point did they take note of my husband’s weight or BMI. If you were the one undergoing treatment it makes even less sense for same sex couples to have to both meet the weight criteria as you don’t even need sperm from the partner 🤯

MellowCritic · 02/05/2025 13:08

SaladSandwichesForTea · 02/05/2025 09:52

Morally think you need to give her some formal recognition of being the child's parent. You say she wasn't able to go on the fertility journey but that's not really relevant IMO because you still chose to override the decision and make her a mum to your child for 7 years and plan to keep her involved. Plenty of people have kids with unsuitable people and you aren't planning to end contact. She and your child deserve that formal stability. Imagine being in her shoes on that one.

As 60/40 primary parent, no you shouldn't sign over child benefit.

I dont understand your post. Op hasn't done anything not to get the other parent formally recognised. She can't go on the birth certificate and that's not ops fault. The question was about the child benefit claim which I gathered you understand as you agreed she shouldn't put the child b in the other parents name. 🤦‍♀️

23BlueLion23 · 02/05/2025 13:07

I am a single mother also. I would not agree to give that up for financial reasons to help someone else whom is no longer together with you. You may regret that decision.

Apreslapluielesoleil · 02/05/2025 13:04

Zeitumschaltung · 02/05/2025 09:45

You aren’t together any more so you can’t get involved in solving any of her problems. Even the most benign thing could build future dependence.
Show good will by demonstrating what you are doing to ensure her continued relationship with the child if that’s a worry, but don’t do anything else.

This 100%.

Ohyure · 02/05/2025 13:02

Its not 100% clear who was pregnant and who gave birth to the child?

Hoohaz · 02/05/2025 13:00

Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

"Sorry, I'm not comfortable doing that, it forms part of my own claim and I don't want to jeopardise my income or DS's security."

She will need to find another solution (just as everyone else has to). She can look at house shares, changing area, staying with family. It is not your responsibility to sort this out for her, especially not if it will be to your own detriment.

Lovelysummerdays · 02/05/2025 12:58

The only reason I get a bit of UC on top of my full time wage is due to the child element which is tied to claiming the child benefit.

its bc likely if you handed over cb you wouldn’t be entitled to your claim.

3luckystars · 02/05/2025 12:55

Absolutely do not do this under any circumstances or any pressure. Say it’s not possible and take it off the table.

she sounds like quite a manipulative person. Who wants what she wants and doesn’t care very much about anyone else. No way would I be entertaining her demands.

Ace56 · 02/05/2025 12:55

So you had the baby when you were together - but it was you who was pregnant with donor sperm? I’m surprised she didn’t officially adopt the child at the time as now she has no legal rights to him. She’s essentially like a step-parent.
This is unfortunate but I absolutely wouldn’t allow her to claim for him. He’s your biological child so I doubt she’d be able to honestly.

RosaBaby2 · 02/05/2025 12:54

SaladSandwichesForTea · 02/05/2025 09:52

Morally think you need to give her some formal recognition of being the child's parent. You say she wasn't able to go on the fertility journey but that's not really relevant IMO because you still chose to override the decision and make her a mum to your child for 7 years and plan to keep her involved. Plenty of people have kids with unsuitable people and you aren't planning to end contact. She and your child deserve that formal stability. Imagine being in her shoes on that one.

As 60/40 primary parent, no you shouldn't sign over child benefit.

This.

Genevieva · 02/05/2025 12:54

Blueskies25 · 02/05/2025 12:51

But not all the time

Show quote history

Which would also be the case in heterosexual relationships, when the father would also pay child maintenance.

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 02/05/2025 12:53

Blueskies25 · 02/05/2025 12:51

But not all the time

Show quote history

2 people can't claim it for the same child, so it makes sense that the parent who has the child most gets it.

19lottie82 · 02/05/2025 12:51

crowsfeet57 · 02/05/2025 10:11

This wouldn;t help her to get social housing as your child is 'adequately housed.' If your daughter is housed twice then another child may not get housed at all.

This

Blueskies25 · 02/05/2025 12:51

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 02/05/2025 12:01

The CB is going towards caring for the child, op gets it, and has her child majority of the time.

Show quote history

But not all the time

housethatbuiltme · 02/05/2025 12:51

TravisRains · 02/05/2025 09:50

Both our BMI had to be under a certain number and non smoking. She did not quit smoking and her BMI was big. If we'd have waited for her to lose the weight, it would have taken longer so she said for me to do it on my own.

I tried putting her on the birth certificate but the registrar said I needed evidence from HFEA that she was involved in the process as a couple.

Show quote history

That may effect qualifying for medical procedures like IUI or IVF but absoloutly nothing to do with non child baring parental rights. Only one of you could birth the baby so only one of you needed to meet criteria to go through the physical requirements.

Genevieva · 02/05/2025 12:50

All her suggestions are for her benefit and are not in the best interests of your child. Your child needs the stability of his biological mother being his recognised primary carer. I’m afraid that she will have to do what everyone else does: pull up her socks, work hard and pay to rent privately.

Northernparent68 · 02/05/2025 12:50

SealHouse · 02/05/2025 11:38

Leaving aside emotional factors, how is this situation materially different from the following hypothetical situation:- A woman who is pregnant with no father on the scene (for any number of reasons such as anonymous one night stand, sperm donor, bereavement etc). You enter a relationship with another man around the time of your child’s birth and this man helps you raise your child but has no legal parental rights. You split up when your child is 7 and he asks you to give him legal parental rights over your child so he can get social welfare/housing. There is no way in hell most women would do this. I don’t consider your current circumstances to be much different from that scenario. Don’t do it. If she wants to maintain a relationship with your child going forward she doesn’t need any legal rights in order to do so.

Edited

I agree with the above, she is just an ex partner not a parent and it’s likely the relationship between the ex and the child will fizzle out when the ex finds a new partner

YellowHatt · 02/05/2025 12:49

Were you married or civil partners at the time of the fertility treatment? If yes then the registrar was wrong.

stichguru · 02/05/2025 12:48

Ignore her. Obviously biologically you could both have your son, but if she were a concerned parent she would have taken steps to be his legal parent as soon as she could after his birth. Anything could have happened. Your could have died when he was a baby. Also if she's so bothered why isn't she having him 50% of the time now?

Muffinmam · 02/05/2025 12:38

TimeForTeaAndToast · 02/05/2025 12:33

I wouldn't.

Edited

She might be able to get child support if the OP allows an adoption with shared residency. Or if she signs adoption paperwork without realising the consequences she could be signing away her child. It’s not worth taking any action to facilitate her ex using her child just to get a house to live in.

Muffinmam · 02/05/2025 12:36

phinalinabeena · 02/05/2025 11:32

I think you need legal advice to consider PR and what that may stop you doing in future. @prh47bridge who has posted on here is a lawyer and had been very helpful to me in the past <doffs cap>

There is a quote from my favourite book “Don’t do what you can’t undo, until you’ve considered what you can’t do once you’ve done it.” Wise words indeed.

Do you want to move to where you have more support? Could your ex also move to that location to be close to their child because that is how she views your son. She has raised him with you since birth.

Has your ex ever wanted to go down the PR route before the split? I think the main thing to consider is that if anything happened to you where would you want your child to end up?

I would not give her the CB though. You are the primary carer, you are rightfully registered for CB.

Which book is that? It’s a beautiful saying. I have a tendency to react to things in the moment and this is very good advice.

Muffinmam · 02/05/2025 12:35

Do not do this.

You are your child’s biological mother.

You provide your child with housing and you have him the majority of the time.

Your ex needs to stand on her own two feet. She can still have contact with your child if you permit it - but you are your child’s biological and legal parent.

Do not - under any circumstances facilitate an adoption with this person.

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