Urgent advice needed, am I being crazy or is DP trying to f*** me over

Tell her and her family that you are taking legal advice to sort out what could be a real dogs dinner legally

She/they are just going to have to wait until you are fully informed. She can do the same if she doesn't trust you

But the bottom line is you are the parent, the primary carer, and should do absolutely nothing that might jeopardise your standing or any financial support for your child

Best of luck working through this

Actually this is what the non-resident parent has to do anyway in a council or h.a. property, as they don't provide a bedroom for the children any more (at least in my area and others I know of). When I was a child, my dad had a bedroom for us children as well as one for himself, but my ex now has to use an airbed while DC stays in his council bedsit. It's very difficult for them, once a child is past about 9 or 10. It's very much the norm in many households, though.

This.

She had plenty of time and opportunity to take on the legal responsibilities of parenting when you were together. It really does sound like she only wants to do this now for her own benefit. Telling you to do the fertility journey as a single person speaks volumes. Don't start down a path now that you can't easily reverse out of. And definitely don't be pressurised by people who don't have your best interests at heart- which she and her family don't seem to be thinking of. She had enough people looking after her. You need to look after yourself and your child.

You’re the biological mum your rights cannot routinely be revoked
Her gaining pR doesn’t deprive you
Do you want the ex to get PR or do u have misgivings

Making these serious changes to connection to your child... just for financial gain can't be right!

I mean legally this is really no different to any single parent having an ex partner. Of course she can't claim housing for a child her ex has. You allowing your son to spend 40% of his time with her is a personal choice and arrangement. She has no grounds for custody whatsoever. She's an ex-step parent. You can't get housing accossiation property in order to have a place to look after a child that legally is nothing to do with you.

I'm Franky astonished she would have been happy with this situation - I would have wanted far more protection for myself as you could easily turn around and say you don't want her to see your son ever again and she has no legal grounds for recourse.

I would do nothing in your shoes. You allow her 40% of time with your son, which you aren't obliged to do. She isn't coming across as a very responsible parent for never having put any protection in place to see your son - and seems only interested to do so now that it could get her CB and housing!

I have no idea about child benefit. But your ex-partner is the child's mother and cares for him nearly half the time. I would say that she should have PR and that you should support her in achieving that (though obviously she needs to be the one to take the initiative). What would happen if the child is injured while under her care? Is she allowed to make medical decisions? What about educational decisions?

I suppose your ex's story is a cautionary tale for non-biological parents. No one goes into a marriage/relationship expecting it to break down, but it happens frequently enough that parents without a biological tie to their children should certainly ensure they have a legal connection.

OP, this appears primarily a housing issue for her.

Do not hand over anything.
Do not agree to anything.
Certainly do not agree to adoption.
Do not make life harder for yourself.
Protect yourself and your child.

You have already stated you will be fair with access.
She needs to accept this.
Do not be Coerced by her family to do something against yours and your childs best interests.

NO Don’t pay her the CB that impacts on you
She needs to sort herself some accommodation and being in receipt of CB won’t confer any privilege or preferential status. Housing options won’t confer special status on her for being in receipt CB

If her accommodation is unstable how does she get to see her son? Do you allow her to see ds at your place? Or they meet externally?
Going forward you both need to coparent harmoniously for the child
Her family only have her interest at heart (realistically as one would expect) so frankly you need to disregard them.

I would tell her it’s not that you won’t transfer the child benefit to her, it’s that legally it’s not possible. How can her family object to something that can’t happen unless someone brings a magic wand to the party?

I’ve voted YABU - in the sense you are being unreasonable to think about transferring child benefit to her. Please do not do that. Look after yourself and your son. She will do same, she just needs to figure it out and that’s not your job.

Thanks, @prh47bridge!

@TravisRains no way op ! This is you and your ds security and it’s more than “just” financial.

I think you have to ask yourself what's in it for you and the answer seems to be nothing but negative consequences.

You're living rurally with no support. What if you are made redundant and you need to move for work? Her family seem to be bullying you? I sthat something you want that for the rest of your life?

In 5 years' time your son will be going to senior school. Is rural life going to offer him the opportunities he wants? Do you really want to be tied to your ex and what she wants when it might conflict your yours and your son's best interests?

She didn't commit at the time. She made her choices then, so she'll have to live with them.

Sorry - In dealing with people who think OP should have given her ex PR (which is not possible) I have overstated the case a little. OP's ex may be able to get PR through the courts if she can get a CAO naming her as someone with whom the child is to live (which is what actually happened in FC v MC). However, OP is not, and never has been, able to give her ex PR without going through the courts.

Personally, I wouldn’t. I don’t see the benefit for you or your child. I’d name her in your will though as a legal guardian in the event if your death.

Sending hugs 🫂 Travis and yes, as others have said, don’t do it. When in a hole, stop digging. In your place I would seriously be considering moving back to somewhere where I had a support network. Good luck

Yes that's right - in cases where a married/Civil Partnership couple want to make the non-biological-parent partner be a legal parent, they BOTH have to apply for adoption as a couple, and the biological parent has to become an adoptive parent too, because the adoption order breaks any previous parent-child bond. So you would have to jointly apply for an adoption order, which I do not think is wise given that you aren't a couple any more.

IANAL and you always give excellent advice, @prh47bridge, but what about FC v MC 2021? FC was not on the birth certificate, she was never married or in a civil partnership with MC but was granted PR and a joint lives with/shared care order.

Is this not a similar situation? The child spends 40% of the time living with the ex, she clearly has a parent-child relationship with the DC.

That is a genuine question, not sarcasm!

Don't do it. You need that money for your child.

To say again, OP's ex cannot get PR. It doesn't matter how much she has been involved. It simply isn't possible and there is no way OP could have sorted it out. The law is clear that she can only get PR if she is the child's legal parent, or she is married to or in a civil partnership with OP. Neither of these things is true, nor have they ever been true, so the only way she could get PR is by adopting the child.

This.
She could have looked into adoption while you were a couple.
She could have proposed marriage or civil partnership.
What has she actually done for the last seven years to secure her future relationship with the DC?
She has left it all to you and put her head in the sand.

Don't do anything about a court order for contact without legal advice. She has to be the one who does the work for this.

And definitely DON'T do anything financial - her finances are nothing to do with you as you are no longer a couple.

Yes she could take the UC, I'm pretty sure to get UC for a child you need to be claiming child benefit.
I would look at applying to the family court for her and the child to feel they have stability in their relationship. You will still be the resident parent, unless something was to come up in the court application to say that wasn't safe, so you would continue to be the one to receive the benefits.
Some councils won't allocate a bedroom for a child who isn't with the parent full time. I worked with a father who could only be housed in a 1 bed flat despite having his 3 children stay over at the weekend, so her getting PR may not be any use for her with housing.

I wondered if this is the case. Does your ex and her family have form for trying to take advantage of you??

I wouldn’t transfer the CB to her, you are the resident parent so it should go to you. That said, I think she should have PR for the child and the pair of you should have sorted that already. She’s been involved with the child in a parental role since its birth and the best thing for the child is to have a good relationship and access/contact with both parents.

You weren’t married but IMO it’s in the child’s best interests for both parents to have suitable living accommodation such that the child can live comfortably with both. With that in mind, if you are in a position to help her find suitable housing that would be ideal.