To feel if they say no that I may as well bloody well give up on working? And that women are still having to make the compromise?

This. Consider engaging a childminder or babysitter.

You are avoiding the childminder questions and I totally get it OP - you are fed up and resentful. But that’s not going to help you.

You are right you won’t find a childminder to do an hour. But you will usually be able to find one who can do school pick up and keep her until 6pm.

If they don’t then I would see that this company may not be great in the long run.

I worked in so many jobs that weren’t flexible and they weren’t great companies. I know some can’t be - If it’s a role where someone needs to cover you - but if not then I don’t see why they can’t.

I think you're being unfair making it a man and woman thing, if the job doesn't allow for you to leave at 4 that's the job, it's nothing to do with you being a woman

I think the point is that companies can be the leaders of change. The man out working and woman available for childcare model doesn't work in many instances anymore. Adjusting the hours ever so slightly could make a huge difference for a working mother. Won't work in every instance as some jobs will just naturally need certain hours. However plenty have the capacity to change, but just don't because it's male dominated and they don't see the issue. I would put some blame on the companies if it's feasible to change, then why not.

And how would that be enforced?

I've spent the morning in Reddit about reading the struggles of men trying to take their paternity leave, unpaid parental leave and how they have not been entitled to use their extended paternity leave benefits that has been part of the benefits package. Society is still assuming women take the hit, eveb when men want to take responsibility.

If your nursery is that remote and not before/after school care you should really consider moving her. In my area it’s very difficult to get a nursery place for 1 year olds but there are places for pre-school children at school nurseries.

You need to choose a school and pre-school which will have wraparound care, even if it isn’t the closest. If you have enough money you could consider private school, they usually have better wraparound care and longer hours anyway.

Do you have room for an au pair? That would give you the flexibility you need.

As others have said, you have an ex problem rather than a work problem. My DH starts later and finishes later and does school drop offs, I start earlier and finish earlier and do pick ups.
However, as you say, you cannot force him to parent.
That's an early finish for an after school club, our (costs extra and run by an external provider in their school) runs 7.45-8.45 and 3.30 to 6. Do any others schools near you have longer hours?

You also need a plan for school holidays?

You have my sympathy, DH and I struggle to make it work with 2 of us, it must be really hard on your own. But that is not your employers problem. If you prove your worth you often get more flexibility, but it's harder to request that before you start.

You need to arrange for a childminder to do the pick up. There will be couples who both work long FT hours who have to make this sort of provision for their children. Saying that men have SAHMs to do this for them as a general rule these days is ridiculous. Some do, many don't.

If i was the recruiting manager I would allow this however I would ask that you had options if there was a meeting at 4pm one day that you were needed to attend on an exceptions basis. That might be a babysitter, another parent, childminder, family etc and I mean something like once a quarter so not frequent.

if they come back with no I would try and get a meeting with the recruiting manager to discuss options. Do you know much about your line manager, their family situation etc? My boss is a middle aged man with kids now at uni but he remembered his wife doing part time when his kids were small for example, when I was discussing my flexible working request with him so he understood why I wanted to do it.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing that would work too, but I dont see any appetite for it.

I hope they will agree OP

Or society could do more to hold men to account for it!

Personally I think you'd have been better off suggesting either an earlier start to cover the time, or reducing to 4 or 4.5 days pay to cover it.

When people suggest they will work 'flexibly' and cover missed hours in the evening they never do, nobody is online to notice they aren't working and no parent of a young kid is sorting the dinner, getting kids to bed then sitting down to work

I hate when people claim to be making up hours in the evening. They rarely are.

If she’s preschool, would you even be able to wfh in a meaningful way in the evenings? After she’s in bed may not work as everyone else will be gone.

I am sympathetic to what you say about how hard it is don’t get me wrong- I’m a single parent who has always worked ft. I think the answer is better childcare options available- like they have in Scandinavian countries!

I don’t think it’s fair to say this is some kind of vendetta against women, children have two parents and it’s up to those parents to figure out who can do pick ups and drop offs etc, that’s something you accept when you have a child, it’s not up to an employer to facilitate that.

Children may have two parents but when a relationship breaks down one of those parents (usually the man) can walk away with minimal responsibility for their day to day care. The woman literally left holding the baby has her career choices limited while the ex can do their own thing - and if he refuses to help there’s little power to force him. Employers could do more to support women in the workplace, to the benefit of society as a whole.

I think you do need to look at childcare options like an after school nanny or a childminder who works later. Your dd will be fine, and I don’t think a single dad would hesitate.

I can’t see a senior professional role would accept you leaving at 4 pm everyday. Or certainly not without a 7.30/ 8 am start to make up for it. Working through lunch or being paid a bit less doesn’t usually cut it because presumably they need someone to work for the hours they’ve specified?

An after school nanny might also be available occasionally when she’s unwell?

If you have a spare room an au pair could solve this. Otherwise I’d get a childminder or seek a nannyshare.

If more dads stepped up, it wouldn’t automatically be assumed by society that women will take the hit.

This is a load of shit.

Read my other reply, how do you see all businesses being able to set up around school hours? Shops, petrol stations, cafes etc only open between 9 and 4 because outside of that parents can’t work? Your local hospital, would you only have that open between 9 and 4, because lots of those nurses, doctors, consultants, surgeons etc are also parents, so they should be allowed the same flexibility, yes? What about your energy supplier, or your WiFi, you’ll only be able to contact them in school hours because you know, those mums don’t want to pay for childcare either, they deserve the same flexibility that you have?

The bank, that will only be open 9-4 now, childcare!

Work is work. Childcare is a parents responsibility, you have to choose the job to fit your responsibilities.

I think with school age child this should be fine. Pre-schooler would be a no-no.

I hear you and agree completely. Fingers crossed, @AnwI! Lots of places have core hours of 10-4 so hopefully you’ll get what you need.

Companies are part of society. They are made up of the people who assume women will pick up childcare slack. Although many are working hard with flexible policies now, it's not universal.

I think the idea that you can have a conversation before having children and then many years later, after the relationship has completely broken down, hold the other person to the terms of that conversation, unrealistic.