To feel if they say no that I may as well bloody well give up on working? And that women are still having to make the compromise?

I would find a good childminder as exes can be unreliable. Childminders are worth their weight in gold. They will have to do the school pick up too.

I would definitely not count on one's ex! They are usually a law unto themselves!

Could you offer to pay one of the Mum's to collect her with their daughter and have her for a couple of hours? Lots of Mums would welcome a little extra income 😅

OP if you are taking on a senior management role where you are expected to work late, you need to ensure you have childcare sorted.
There are a variety of options as many PP have articulated. You just seem to be raging against the machine when there are have been huge strides forward in flexible working, help for working parents, shared parental leave.

What is it you actually want??

You need a childminder. It’s what people used to see as normal before the higher expectations around flexible working and wfh.

It is grossly unfair that these things always fall on women. It must be ten times harder for you being a single parent OP. Single mums are heroes. My lovely ex-employer made me redundant on maternity leave and I'm still working part time in a crappy job while I'm studying for a new career. All the while DH is filling up his pension pot whilst mine is getting a pittance. I shouldn't have to think 'oh it's fine, he'll look after me when I'm older ' because hello I'm on mumsnet I know how many men cheat. I get really angry about it too. This is why the gender pay gap is still very much alive and kicking. Women lose out when they have to take a step back after kids. It won't be forever though OP. Before you know it your daughter will be walking to school herself and you won't need wraparound care. I'm in the position where I want to ramp up my studying but feel I can't because of work and childcare commitments. I've applied for a course but I'm not sure I can even do it if they accept me. I might have to wait until my kids are a bit more self sufficient 🙁it is extremely frustrating when you want to crack on but you can't.

@Rewis DH has taken on leadership of the organisation he works for. He was horrified by the lack of women in the higher levels of leadership and is actively promoting that part-time leaders roles are possible and maternity leave won’t be career impacting either. I’ve told him he needs to sell that to men as well. Very few men in the organisation take up the option of shared parental leave or work part-time.

When he used to take leave to watch DS in a school event some of his male peer group were surprised he would do that as I would be available so why did he need to as well. He wants to make the office a much more family friendly employer but he still has some of this male group in leadership roles, and is fighting against these beliefs

I feel your frustration OP, and it’s all much more of a challenge for single parents.

I was 100% resolute: parenting would be properly 59/50.

Yes, he had to ask for flexibility as much as I did. Take as much time for sick days. Take as much responsibility for managing the extra stuff, the packed lunches , the trips, the parties.

And until women dig in their heels it always will be women making the career compromises.

And while women make all the compromises they will be looked at as less valuable employees.

I realise that in many sectors (e.g health, emergency services ) jobs are not flexible but where they have potential both parents can do their bit.

Does her Dad live close enough to do pick ups?

Is there a school closer, within walking distance?

Ime large companies are brilliant ref flexibility.

I had friends in senior roles who only worked 9-3pm mon to Friday and during term time only when their kids started school.

I haven't caught up on all your updates, but I do hope they say Yes.

Ex childminder here.
It is part of the contract discussion to choose your hours. After school pick ups and school holiday hours. You decide a window to collect from cm home.

Cm absolutely can collect from a remote school.
You may want to contact your local council for their list of registered cm.

A good relationship with a cm can last years.

And people are using this post to have a dig. So predictable.

Fingers crossed they offer the flexibility for you. Hope it all goes well x

You are totally right, OP.

Are au pairs still a thing (with changes to visas etc?). I’ve known lots of women / families who had an au pair, and it generally worked really well. Lots of flexibility, could get your dc home from afterschool / nursery and feed them, and helpful with bedtime stuff / dc’s laundry / cooking etc.

Is there no nursery running after school care? I live in a town with 3 private nurseries and every one of them has an after school club which runs till 6.30pm. They collect from all the local schools at finishing time and take them to wherever they run their after school club (a couple on their nursery premises and the other in the local lifestyles hall). You then collect from there at 6.30. Is there nothing like that?

I think you raise an issue that impacts all families whether they are divorced, together and both work or even families that have a SAHP. Who meets the child's needs? It's all very well talking about childminders etc but that just isn't an option for everyone for lots of different, often quite complex reasons. Often a parent has to take the hit somehow and yet society seems extremely reluctant to even acknowledge this, let alone make allowances or compensations for it.

Our birth rate is plummeting and parents simply won't be able to compete with child free colleagues when it comes to flexibility.

I had a childminder pick dd up - have you checked this possibility

Your rage at the company seems completely misguided. You need to be raging at your ex. He is responsible here. Or raging at the school.

saying a childminder is going to be expensive is a fairly ridiculous response too.

did you have other options for your primary school decision. I’m wrap around care was our biggest deciding factor when we were applying for school places. That said we still had some issues with school club being massively oversubscribed and with petitioning from parents school have really upped their game and now have ample provision. Plus my partner knows he needs to be involved and pick uk his fair share.

you need other options that blaming the company shouldering the whole patriarchy

I see what you say although its not unusual, its businesses needs not yours that are their consideration. Business hasn't caught up with the requirements for women to work and they can pick and choose.

Although my male boss put in a flexible request to be able to tag team childcare with his partner. It was refused. He does it anyway, an hour every day that he should be at work. We are expected to 'cover' ie lie if anyone rings. I don't know any personally but he claims women management in the company elsewhere get it authorised as standard and it was discrimination..🤔

Um not in my experience!

I agree but it's the system that is stacked against you and your ex. You've said this job entails you being available in the evenings too, that cuts into your child's time. Then your child gets sick a lot in the early years, school holidays who cares for her then?

Being brutally honest you're really not in the right place time for a position like this unless you have grandparents Etc to pick up the slack.

Sorry, but many children have to do that, both in single and two parent families, it's really not that unusual.

Yes it's difficult, but sometimes you just have to get on with it - it's simply not posible to have everything.

There's no can't here. You don't want to.

oh you’d be very surprised…you can often find me at my desk between 8 and 11pm after a full school work day, just to keep up with the workload, but that’s a whole other thread!

Congratulations getting to this stage in the interview process!

It's a whole other juggling act when they hit school.

If they don't agree (and I hope they do...!) is there another school that DD could attend with a longer after school club?
Another parent in the same situation so could have shared childminder / nanny for after school?

Another thing to think about, when she gets a bit older, she may want to do clubs / activities after school- sports, crafts etc It's really hard to do this when working as they sometimes start early. If you have a nanny (or an aupair?) they could take them along. They would also be able to facilitate playdates, cook DD dinner, do homework with her.

Your other option is to take him to court and demand 50/50 where he does 50% of all school drop offs and pick ups and half all holidays, and sick days and you do 50% and you can both get jobs that are fewer hours for him more hours for you.

I'd love to know how this works

I had this exact situation when DS was about to start school. Back in 2011, no flexibility (senior civil service). So I found a childminder who was collecting other kids from the school (our county council had them listed by school) and then I knew DS would be going “home” at 3 with the others - in school to 5 at age 4/5 is a looooong day, even if your kid is used to 8-6 in nursery as mine was. So then the after school care was gold plated for a couple of years while I got my feet under the table at work - and she even did overnight stays when I had to be at a dinner or other event. Then when he wanted to do things like football after school in Y2, I had enough in the bank of goodwill from my director to be able to leave at 4 if I needed to, a couple of days a week.

TL/DR: look on your local council website for childminder list by school. Or stalk the school gates and ask about. My CM had a minivan and collected from 3 local schools.