To feel if they say no that I may as well bloody well give up on working? And that women are still having to make the compromise?

I work for a large professional firm and if we were asked this question during the recruitment process we would absolutely look to be flexible to ensure we got the right person in the role. I hope they are similar Op.

@PatsFruitCakeso if it’s the same for both parents, why is it women taking 99% of the pay cuts/ lack of progression opportunities/ asking for flexibility?
I worked in a hospital in the pandemic. There was a female consultant who had to request to drop to two days a week due to homeschooling. Her husband couldn’t possibly be expected to help out due to his job. Bearing in mind she was a doctor in a pandemic. He was a solicitor. He wasn’t even doing the two days she was at work, they got a family member to drop in.

Dads, on the whole, are not making these sacrifices.

It might be worth asking the TA’s at your daughter’s school; at my kids school the TA’s often take kids home and look after them for working parents for some extra money.

And for those who suggest having a discussion about how childcare would work before having kids. Yeah, I had that discussion. XH and I were planning on each working FT, set days/nights around each other’s shifts to facilitate us both working, childcare etc. Things were planned and agreed with both our workplaces (before I started mat leave) to enable this happening once I finished mat leave. Then, just under a month before youngest was born, XH sustained a life-changing head injury due to an RTA. Then things went down the pan completely, and he descended into alcohol and drug dependency (and in/out of rehab), hence the unreliability. Things are never black and white.

The experiences I’ve had, and the fact that I’ve been able to move up in my career, has enabled me to be more vocal about trying to promote flexible working (even in a profession like mine). It just seems nuts to potentially lose a cohort of workers because of issues with finding suitable childcare. Sometimes, it does just take a bit of thinking outside the box. Better childcare provision for all would also be great!!

I don't actually know much about this I'm afraid.

I think the start point is an assumption of 50/50 care so people must be choosing different set ups for many reasons.

I don't know if women push for the weekday/EOW end set up because they want it and cant bear the thought of being apart much, or actually that's the best option for thier child in thier view, having spent some time seeing how thier now ex parents. Or whether eow is all the ex is prepared to offer even if mum thinks more would be better.

I know a lot of domestic abuse only starts after a baby is born so some women will be wanting to limit time. (This was my sisters scenario)

I'm a manager and I would definitely agree to this. I want the best people for the job and will work with them to make their hours work. My company would fully support me with this, fingers crossed 🤞.

Madness that people seem to think requesting this kind of thing is an affront. It's absolutely the norm in senior roles to make requests around flexibility etc at offer stage – it's a negotiation! If the company isn't willing or able to offer what OP needs, that's fine – they can find someone else for the role. It all depends on what's more important to them and honestly, I'd be surprised if that one hour in the office is essential in that kind of role.

At that level, flexibility is expected of you – you are expected to be available in the evenings / at weekends, and it's perfectly reasonable to ask the same back. The last job I was offered I negotiated two afternoons off a week plus a 9.15 start so I could drop DD off at school. All accepted without a murmur.

I accept all that you say there.

You can make it work if you get alternative childcare. Try Koru kids or another after school childcare service. Yes it’s unfair but if you want to progress and get the pay rise you’d be mad to turn it down for this reason.

I say this as someone who is forced to earn half my potential salary as I’d otherwise routinely finish at 7-8pm each night. I don’t want to do it myself but almost all women in my profession who want/need to have found a way to manage it with the right childcare.

They may well be in central London/big cities where a person is able to top up their income with other roles/ and presumably nanny jobs during the day but if it’s an area that can’t even attract Childminders the likelihood of a part-time nanny would be fairly slim I would imagine ?

Yes it does seem like a lot of the issue is down to the location.

For some reason there is a lot of this on Mumsnet - I live in the arse end of nowhere, there's no childcare and I have an enormous commute, how unfair!

Erm perhaps this is somewhat down to choices and moving to a short commute and a school with better wraparound might help.

TBH I don't know anyone who holds down a senior role who has a super long commute or no childcare after 5

Quite a few companies now use core hours in contracts (the last 2 I've worked at do this). Fro example everyone works 10am to 4pm, and then leave it upto staff/line managers to work out a reasonable plan for the rest of the hours. Obviously this depends of nature of the business, but this really works well. A really good way for companies to show they value their staff, give flexibility so they aren't stressed and easier to get the work done.

This is a parenting challenge not a male/female one. If you have a child with someone who doesn't want to/isn't able to pull their weight as a parent it's going to be hard work.

I don't buy the argument that it's all the fault of the patriarchy. Different businesses have different needs in terms of working hours. I know a lot of people in hospitality who routinely work evenings/ weekends/ overnight/ early mornings. Loads of jobs have difficult or unsociable hours. You chose a job based on a lots of factors including the hours. It's not the fault of the business you work for.

Again...it's in the OP "Ex does his bit financially but does absolutely nothing in the week…I’ve tried many times to ask him to change work pattern etc but he says he can’t (or won’t)."

All these people telling people what the father should do and how it's working well for them.....not helpful.

Because she is not partnered!

Yes part time after school nannies are a thing. We had one for many years!

The elephant in the room is what happens if the man refuses to do this? I mean why on earth would he choose to do this when he will probably take a massive career hit and ultimately he has no vested interest in OP's career now they have split up.

I think you're right, but current residency plans start off at 50/50. The fact that it ends up being primarily the mother is often not a choice, it's because the father is unreliable, inflexible and realises that being a Dad is not just taking them to the park to play. OP says he ex can't or won't entertain any discussion on changing his work pattern.

The dynamic that the woman sacrifices is actually a choice though - in each of those relationships the mans earning potential career has come first.

Why can't your partner collect your child - or adapt his working conditions so you don't have to - at least 50% of the time - so its 'even' ..

I don't get why he gets to call all the shots!

exactly this. The patriarchal structure assumes working until evening then going home to tea on the table.

companies don’t HAVE to work until 5, in the main - it’s conventional, but could change if people decided it was worthwhile. I don’t believe everyone’s working flat out that whole time.

I also think that companies should think more about paying for work rather than time but that’s a huge mindset shift many aren’t capable of making

A nanny for a school aged child ?

Get a nanny. That way she can be collected and looked after at home until you're home from work

Have you even read OP's first post, or did you only get as far as the title?

Fair comment.
Isn't there some truth in the fact that women very often want to retain custody. That isn't ' society expecting" that's a choice many women make.

Have you actually read any of her posts?