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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel if they say no that I may as well bloody well give up on working? And that women are still having to make the compromise?

234 replies

AnwI · 02/05/2025 08:15

I’ve just been offered a great job. I have a DD who is starting school in September. There is an after school class that is until 5pm. However, for me to get there in time to collect her I would need to leave the office at 4pm. I’ve asked the recruiter to ask this and she’s waiting for a reply.

This job comes with a massive pay rise, it’s a good career move and since becoming a single parent when dd was 3 I’ve done everything I can to keep going. Ex does his bit financially but does absolutely nothing in the week…I’ve tried many times to ask him to change work pattern etc but he says he can’t (or won’t).

I am going to feel absolutely deflated and resentful if this company does not agree to this. I know it’s not the company’s job to ensure my dd is looked after etc etc (im familiar with these points!) but the entire office industry is set up for working men who came home to housewives running the home. I am trying my best here and yet I feel it’s all stacked against me…I absolutely hate that I’ve had to even ask it at all as I wish I could just work as late as I wanted in whichever location I wanted.

I am going to be so crushed if they don’t agree to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnwI · 02/05/2025 08:21

I was excited about the role but I just feel like everything is stacked against women. In my circle of friends I don’t know any man that has had to make these decisions yet almost all my female friends have. I am just feeling massively resentful and to be honest totally exhausted by the fight to just be able to earn well and be a parent. It seems it isn’t possible if there’s no flexibility

OP posts:
HoskinsChoice · 02/05/2025 08:21

It's not the company's fault! You and the father are responsible for parenting. If we're going to blame someone, it is society's fault in that we still use the woman as the 'go to' for childcare. Couples need to sit down before they have children to agree how they're going to do it. Blaming a company is ridiculous. Get a child minder.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 02/05/2025 08:21

Shatandfattered · 02/05/2025 08:18

Could you pay for someone to collect dd and have her till you finish? I realise its another expense but if you are due a pay rise id definitely consider an option like a childminder

Yes @Shatandfattered this is a good idea, at least until you get your feet under the table with new employer OP. Once they see how awesome you are they won't mind. You are well within your rights to ask for flexible working when you start a job now though so I'm depending on the organisation it might not be that big of a deal. You'd probably do twice as much work as a man even on reduced hours.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 02/05/2025 08:19

Fingers crossed they will.

Unfortunately if they don't already offer flexibility they probably won't offer you the position, otherwise they would open the door to other staff requesting an earlier finishing time.

Is there any local childminders that can collect DD from preschool until 6pm?

Original poster
AnwI · 02/05/2025 08:19

@Shatandfattered she would have to be picked up and driven home and I wouldn’t be back until gone 6:30pm. I don’t think that’s right to do that to her and it would cost a huge amount due to the travel element.

OP posts:
Agix · 02/05/2025 08:19

You can't really give up working, you still need to make money - and the benefits you used to be able to receive without being expected to work don't exist anymore. You'd be expected to find work if you were claiming Universal Credit.

I am really sorry if this new workplace can't be flexible for you. It is very unfair.

Can you find an after school babysitter? A paid one? I was always with babysitters after school when I was a child.

MonkeyTennis34 · 02/05/2025 08:19

Presumably, if you have been promoted, you are a valued member of the company.
Wishing you luck OP.
You sound like an amazing Mum who is presenting her DD with an excellent role model.

PerfectPlace · 02/05/2025 08:18

Hopefully they say yes, but is a childminder an option if not, either from when school finishes or after the club for an hour or so?

Shatandfattered · 02/05/2025 08:18

Could you pay for someone to collect dd and have her till you finish? I realise its another expense but if you are due a pay rise id definitely consider an option like a childminder