Page 6 | Should I be happy?

bonniesbits · 01/05/2025 20:30

Exasperated24 · 01/05/2025 17:39

My heart bleeds OP

🎻

I know right! Poor little rich girl

Original poster

Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 20:28

ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/05/2025 20:17

Your finances are joint so that story doesn’t work. Excuse after excuse OP, and it makes no difference to my life, stop making excuses in your own life to avoid being happy. You are a privileged person, stop sulking about it and make some changes.

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I'm definitely not sulking. I know I am very lucky and have taken on the sahm/housekeeper role because I know it's what our family needs now. I just can't bear to think of doing this longterm. I need adult interactions and my brain to be flexed here and there. I really didn't see this coming down the line and weirdly would prefer if it hadn't. Having said that, I'm delighted for my Dh to be so happy and successful in what he loves.

OP posts:

namechangeGOT · 01/05/2025 20:20

Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 20:14

I see a therapist but it's not about that. I suppose I just don't want to feel useless. I graduated with the highest points in my year. I was always a high achiever. I went into teaching because I wanted to pass on the fruits of my education and really didn't care about monetary rewards. I always saw having children as a huge responsibility as in, if you're not willing to do anything and everything to make sure they're not just a narcissistic whim, then you have no business having them. The upshot of which is that I feel the need to put her first in everything. She didn't ask to be born so it's on me to make her life worthwhile. That's why, gojng back to work, knowing that I'm not actually earning anything because it will go directly into the hands of the minder, I feel guilty about putting myself first.

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Then be a tutor for a few hours a week? Up the cleaners hours, get an ironing lady and enjoy your incredibly privileged life with your child.

FrizzledFrazzle · 01/05/2025 20:18

YANBU. I had a job a bit like your DH's - I wasn't earning 500K, but my boss's boss probably was. She had a young child and employed a full-time nanny, a housekeeper and probably a cleaner too (her partner had a similarly lucrative job).

She worked all hours of the day and barely saw her family. Another manager in my team had a wife who was a SAHM to their 3 kids and barely saw them all in the week.

Honestly, I quit and retrained in a different field with a lower salary and more reasonable hours/workload because that wasn't the lifestyle I wanted.

You have suddenly found yourself with a DH who has a role like that, and it has changed the whole dynamic of your relationship and your family. It's totally different from the life you had together a few years ago and it's reasonable to find that a big change and to think it's not really what you wanted.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/05/2025 20:17

Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 20:14

I see a therapist but it's not about that. I suppose I just don't want to feel useless. I graduated with the highest points in my year. I was always a high achiever. I went into teaching because I wanted to pass on the fruits of my education and really didn't care about monetary rewards. I always saw having children as a huge responsibility as in, if you're not willing to do anything and everything to make sure they're not just a narcissistic whim, then you have no business having them. The upshot of which is that I feel the need to put her first in everything. She didn't ask to be born so it's on me to make her life worthwhile. That's why, gojng back to work, knowing that I'm not actually earning anything because it will go directly into the hands of the minder, I feel guilty about putting myself first.

Show quote history

Your finances are joint so that story doesn’t work. Excuse after excuse OP, and it makes no difference to my life, stop making excuses in your own life to avoid being happy. You are a privileged person, stop sulking about it and make some changes.

Original poster

Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 20:14

ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/05/2025 19:33

If he’s happy to do anything then just ask him to put his own plate in the dishwasher. If he takes her twice a day and does anything you ask within the times he can, you aren’t worried about not having enough time with him, and you have a cleaner already, I’m struggling with the ‘round the clock’ childcare, cooking and cleaning stuff. You can work and want to work for mental health for a break, but also don’t want a break. Can spend all the money you want but working would loose you too much money 🤷‍♀️ are you sure you are not depressed OP? I agree with others counselling would be really useful to help you establish how you feel and what you want

Show quote history

I see a therapist but it's not about that. I suppose I just don't want to feel useless. I graduated with the highest points in my year. I was always a high achiever. I went into teaching because I wanted to pass on the fruits of my education and really didn't care about monetary rewards. I always saw having children as a huge responsibility as in, if you're not willing to do anything and everything to make sure they're not just a narcissistic whim, then you have no business having them. The upshot of which is that I feel the need to put her first in everything. She didn't ask to be born so it's on me to make her life worthwhile. That's why, gojng back to work, knowing that I'm not actually earning anything because it will go directly into the hands of the minder, I feel guilty about putting myself first.

OP posts:

ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/05/2025 20:13

Richiewoo · 01/05/2025 20:04

Get a cleaner. Not like you can't afford it.

She has a cleaner

Richiewoo · 01/05/2025 20:04

Get a cleaner. Not like you can't afford it.

Itsoneofthose · 01/05/2025 20:03

No you shouldn’t be happy and deep down you know it. Feminism happened for a reason. It doesn’t sit with your core values by the sounds of it and you needn’t feel guilty or bad about that. I sympathise with you a lot. Re house work, can you pay for a cleaner?

Exasperated24 · 01/05/2025 19:59

Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 19:30

We've just bought a much bigger house because he wants 'a nice house' considering how hard he works. All I'm thinking is more rooms to clean!

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Drip drip drip

MoveYourSelfDearie · 01/05/2025 19:58

You have the money available to let you make choices. Don't feel guilty for making them in your and your family's best interests

The very best thing for your DC would be to stay at home with her until she's 3. There's a host of research about child development and attachment in the first 3 years that points to this being the ideal.

Get a housekeeper to deal with the cooking, cleaning and pairing of socks. Just be her parent

But if you're feeling burnt out by solo parenting, or just feel a desire to work then go back to work part time and get a nanny

If the housekeeper and nanny cost more money than you're earning, so what? What's the point of your DH earning a packet if you're not using it to live how you want

Toootss · 01/05/2025 19:56

I don’t think you know what you want - so having the money to do anything is a disadvantage - you suddenly have responsibility for a baby. House to clean. Sounds like very little me time.
what about going for some counselling to get some ideas. Teaching would be good but I’m sure it won’t be as enjoyable when you also have a demanding baby each evening and weekend.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 01/05/2025 19:55

While i have every sympathy for the struggles of mothers - You are being a bit ridiculous

He makes 500k per year... every choice ever is open to you.

Get a housekeeper in.
Pursue a career ... or dont...
stay at home with a nanny...or without...

You can literally do what you want... you dont seem to know what you want beyond dictating how your dh behaves...

It reads like you have a cleat view on how he is supposed to husband and parent...
He needs to be doing 50% of the nights and doing 50% of cooking dishes and laundry. That's clearly not the man you married...you need to accept that and control what you can control ...ie..yourself

greeeeen9 · 01/05/2025 19:54

Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 19:30

We got the keys today.

Seriously, if you hate being a housewife, hire someone. Someone out there will be glad of the work and the salary and you can concentrate on the parts of life you enjoy or go back to work. I don’t get your hesitation? You don’t like pairing his socks, get a daily nanny / cleaner.

This post surely must be fake as it’s all such a no-brainer.

Evaka · 01/05/2025 19:52

Go back to work and pay for a nanny and cleaner.

I'd be very unhappy with so much absence though, not sure how to navigate that.

BountifulPantry · 01/05/2025 19:50

Dear lord woman.

Get a cleaner, get a nanny and get back to work.

Feelingmuchbetter · 01/05/2025 19:48

You don’t just need a housekeeper but a life! You don’t have to be materialistic but you do need to be smart. Hire a kind and gentle mothers help and go out, play tennis, meet friends and start to enjoy yourself. Take your baby to groups and meet ups that suit your values. If you have help you can sleep when you need to.

I would consider studying rather than working. It is easy to start and stop whilst you are still awake so much.

Embrace your life and all of your opportunities.

FairyPoppins · 01/05/2025 19:46

Whilst it might feel like you're a single mum when your DH works long hours, and is out of the country often.
But you don't have the financial pressures of other single parents. You have choices - use them to your advantage, buy in help so you can spend quality time with your daughter.

user1492538376 · 01/05/2025 19:44

Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 17:11

So, my DH has become very successful in recent years. He makes £500k per annum for the last 5 years and it's on the up. I'm not someone who cares about material things. I drive a 25-year-old yaris and would happily spend the rest of my life living in our 2-bed house which I owned before I met him.
We've had a child in the last two years. I'm a sahm at the moment but planning on getting back to work ASAP, not for the money but for my mental health.
My AIBU is whether I should be unhappy with my current situation.
He works every hour that God sends but as a result, I'm forced into being a parent and housekeeper 24/7. I never wanted this life but have found myself in it. I instinctively feel that he should be doing housework but it feels unfair on him when he's racing home to spend time with our dd before bedtime and then back on his laptop, working. I find myself cooking, cleaning and entertaining our baby round the clock.
I have become the 1950's housewife which is so far from how I was raised and what I ever wanted. Tbh, he was the one who was desperate to have a child, I was on the fence but I'm madly in love with her now.
I want to go back to work ASAP but my meagre salary as a primary school teacher will mean we actually are at a deficit if I do and all the housework will still come down on me as he's permanently working.
He's self-employed and basically in the midst of creating an incredibly lucrative business so there's no chance of him being able to reduce hours.
I think what I'm asking is whether I should be happy pairing his socks, ironing his shirts and cleaning up everything in the house (including his dinner plate) every evening because he has work to do knowing that he is a great provider?

I don’t understand how you will be in deficit by working as a teacher if he earns 500k? Fair enough if you dont want to work as a teacher but I dont understand the deficit?

I’m not sure why you are doing all this work as surely you could outsource it all on this income whether you work or
not?

ScrollingLeaves · 01/05/2025 19:40

Enjoy your baby and get some help.

ScrollingLeaves · 01/05/2025 19:37

Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 17:11

So, my DH has become very successful in recent years. He makes £500k per annum for the last 5 years and it's on the up. I'm not someone who cares about material things. I drive a 25-year-old yaris and would happily spend the rest of my life living in our 2-bed house which I owned before I met him.
We've had a child in the last two years. I'm a sahm at the moment but planning on getting back to work ASAP, not for the money but for my mental health.
My AIBU is whether I should be unhappy with my current situation.
He works every hour that God sends but as a result, I'm forced into being a parent and housekeeper 24/7. I never wanted this life but have found myself in it. I instinctively feel that he should be doing housework but it feels unfair on him when he's racing home to spend time with our dd before bedtime and then back on his laptop, working. I find myself cooking, cleaning and entertaining our baby round the clock.
I have become the 1950's housewife which is so far from how I was raised and what I ever wanted. Tbh, he was the one who was desperate to have a child, I was on the fence but I'm madly in love with her now.
I want to go back to work ASAP but my meagre salary as a primary school teacher will mean we actually are at a deficit if I do and all the housework will still come down on me as he's permanently working.
He's self-employed and basically in the midst of creating an incredibly lucrative business so there's no chance of him being able to reduce hours.
I think what I'm asking is whether I should be happy pairing his socks, ironing his shirts and cleaning up everything in the house (including his dinner plate) every evening because he has work to do knowing that he is a great provider?

Anyone with your income can hire the help you need. You can look for a nice cleaner who can come often and also do washing, someone perhaps to make some meals, and a really helpful au pair/childminder or even a nanny.

You are not being unreasonable to not want to have to do everything yourself, nor should you have to. Other people usually only do so out of necessity.

twinkletoesimnot · 01/05/2025 19:36

As an aside - when were you last working in a school?
Because I can assure you many primary teachers would kill to be in your situation…… it certainly won’t improve your mental health!

ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/05/2025 19:33

Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 19:30

We've just bought a much bigger house because he wants 'a nice house' considering how hard he works. All I'm thinking is more rooms to clean!

Show quote history

You already said he’s happy to up the cleaners hours… so that’s that problem solved.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/05/2025 19:33

Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 19:22

I love him to death. He is happy to do anything for me that time will allow and that's why I'm not angry at all. He lifts our baby at 6.30 every morning to make sure I get some uninterrupted sleep and is home at 6 on the dot every evening to take her swimming so I can get on top of things when he's in the country.

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If he’s happy to do anything then just ask him to put his own plate in the dishwasher. If he takes her twice a day and does anything you ask within the times he can, you aren’t worried about not having enough time with him, and you have a cleaner already, I’m struggling with the ‘round the clock’ childcare, cooking and cleaning stuff. You can work and want to work for mental health for a break, but also don’t want a break. Can spend all the money you want but working would loose you too much money 🤷‍♀️ are you sure you are not depressed OP? I agree with others counselling would be really useful to help you establish how you feel and what you want

Sunflowerz22 · 01/05/2025 19:32

Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 19:30

We've just bought a much bigger house because he wants 'a nice house' considering how hard he works. All I'm thinking is more rooms to clean!

Show quote history

I work 8 hours a week tutoring and I have a weekly cleaner because I don't want to spend all my time cleaning a big 5 bed house. It's insane how long it takes.
Just because you're around to do it doesn't mean you have to. I could clean my oven myself, I've got time. But I don't because I hate doing it, so I've got an oven man who comes every few months.
As an example.