Should I be happy?

My DH is a high earner and I'm between careers. I left one career (teaching funnily enough) and now I'm looking for another. I'm not working much at the moment. My child is in school.

I feel guilty spending any money because I haven't directly earned it, despite us being married and it being 'our money'. I get told constantly that I'm so lucky I am in the position to not work, and pretty much do whatever I like. I could choose any career and get paid help if I need it.
The problem I have is I feel like I don't deserve to be in this position. I haven't earned the privilege. I drive a car that I would never be able to afford on a teacher's wage. My husband has made it all possible. I'm living a life I haven't built. My husband has built it. I feel guilty for it.

Guilt is a cruel emotion. Yes, on paper you should be happy, but I just wonder whether we're on the same wavelength and there's something deeper going on here. Obviously I don't want to feel guilty. I want to enjoy my amazing life. Hence guilt is cruel and follows you around everywhere you go.

I personally don't find it easy being in the shadow of a very successful husband. I've always been a very high achiever, an academic and seeing my husband's success while I've been busy looking after our daughter and keeping up with laundry has hurt my pride a little bit.

Yet if I did choose a new career and work full time, I'd feel guilty I wasn't there for my daughter enough. I can't win.

Cry me a river, poor little rich girl, kept woman blah blah blah. Ignore all that. Having plenty of money doesn't automatically press a switch labelled 'happiness'. Money certainly paves the way for a happier life, but then all these 'shoulds' get thrown on us and we're expected to be the happiest people alive and that can create its own mental challenges because it just doesn't work that way.

If you were working surely you would have even more of this to do in the evenings

The cleaner could come every morning and be more like a housekeeper.

@ScrollingLeaves is spot on. You don't have to do it.

I have to do it because I can't afford help. And because I have to do it, my husband also has to do it despite the fact that he technically works more hours than me.

Your husband is choosing not to do it; he has lots of cash so you can choose to hire in help to do it.

See the difference?

I'm a fair person so I can see how it's only fair that I'm doing the clean up/ dinner/ hoovering/ mopping at the end of the day

There is no rule to say you must do that. The only reason other women are doing all that while also looking after a baby is because they have no choice. You do. You do not have to do so much.

Look, you’ve been your child’s sole caregiver since birth, and you still say she’s ‘anxious’…? It just seems as if you’re pulling up a series of increasingly unconvincing excuses to prevent you from doing what you want and which would make you happy. So don’t return to work, don’t hire a housekeeper, don’t outsource your ironing — stay a SAHM indefinitely. Be unhappy. But don’t delude yourself thst you didn’t choose it.

I've read all your posts OP and still don't understand the problem. If you don't want to do all the housework then get a cleaner! You want your DD to not have to be in childcare and think it's better for her welfare to be looked after by you for the first three years, so that's what you do- three years is no time you can go back to work when she starts nursery or school! You can choose to work part time so you can be there for DD after school as she gets older.

This is mental. You could spend most days with your kid, doing lovely things, send them to a childminder maybe 2 days per week and work for those 2 days. But you're hand wringing on mumsnet?

Totally bonkers. Money = options.

Your £3k christening outfit is more than 2 of my single mum friends earn per month put together. Totally, totally bonkers.

So you're about to be in a bigger house - use one room as an office, and fo some tutoring while you have a nanny there - that way, you're on hand if anything major happens,but you'll also be helping others. And while you don't want yo just abandon your child to someone else, it's no bad thing for them to have others involved in their care.

You need staff.

I think THIS is the real issue. He’s not so busy that he can’t take his plate from the table and put it in the dishwasher. That’s a one minute job.

the reason you are seething about the situation is that fundamentally he is acting like he is too important to do even the most trivial menial task and just expects you to do it for him. You need to talk to him about this. This is just basic disrespect for you. If you don’t address the real issue, the resentment will kill your relationship.

it is one thing for you to be responsible for managing the house/housework/childcare, it’s a completely different thing that he thinks he is too good to put his own plates in the dishwasher and expects that you will do it for him.

getting a cook, cleaner, childminder, gardener, whatever will not solve this problem. You need to sit him down and tell him that he is lacking basic respect for you. This is why you feel like a skivvy.

My DH used to have a highly paid job where he worked a lot and was away a lot. Yes, I resented him for not doing his fair share at home, but he did not expect me to do even the most basic tasks for him. He still contributed to the family, cooking and cleaning the kitchen, taking the kids to daycare, etc. He is just now starting a new very highly paid job where he will be working and travelling a lot. I do expect a lot of what he has been doing to fall to me again but I won’t be clearing his dishes for him. My DH can’t do the laundry if he’s in another country, so of course I will have to do it. But when he is here, he will cook a couple of times a week, and clean the kitchen up afterwards. He can put a load in the washing machine and turn it on then put it in the dryer when it’s done. That is 10 minutes of effort total. He will also take the kids to school if he is not leaving for the office at 7am.

Your DH is taking the piss, that’s why you feel this way. Please have the conversation and come and tell us how it went. If you just get excuses why he can’t do anything, then you know he is taking the piss. If he agrees to do more and actually does it, then your marriage might be ok.

I just read that you have a cleaner, and now have a bigger house.

That house is going to need some decorating and sorting out with plenty of things to organise.

It can be fun, but not alone. So you really will have to get some childcare and spend some time free with more adults, so the plate clearing etc feels less of a depressing chore.

Relentless drudgery clearly isn’t working for you. Who knew that would happen?

Oh and btw, just in case this new house feels a little empty. Don’t get a dog.

…your research seem strangely to completely confirm your bias about staying at home breastfeeding your lonely, anxious toddler. Get yourself some life before you curl up and vanish and actually damage your kid. All abuse isn’t neglect.

I agree that consistency is key here, but a couple of mornings a week at a childminder is really going to help everyone. Because also… kids who aren’t looked after anyone else but an unhappy mother, really aren’t that happy themselves.

Start small.
Get a cleaner.
One you are revelling in the joy that brings… get a small amount of childcare… then drink a coffee on your own or lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling on a nice clean carpet in a nice clean house…

Before you know it you have booked a regular exercise class maybe making new friends and oh.. I dunno - a massage, a facial - some self care.

I am sounding flippant of course, but you will be more happy when you are doing things that make you happy. Put your oxygen mask on first, then you’ll have so much more fun with your baby.

You don’t want to go back before she’s 3. You don’t have to, but you do have to find some joy in this situation. And you aren’t going to find that by cleaning your own loo.

You mentioned that you attend therapy.

I'd strongly advise you to work with your therapist on understanding your core beliefs, why and how to overcome them.

Good luck OP

It’s just excuse after excuse. Are you just happy being unhappy?

Takes more than money to provide a nice life for family.

I think what I'm asking is whether I should be happy pairing his socks, ironing his shirts and cleaning up everything in the house (including his dinner plate) every evening because he has work to do knowing that he is a great provider?

Nobody earns too much to clear their own dinner plate. That's just basic manners - and nobody earns too much to abandon them either.

When DH had an opportunity for 2/3's amount he paid for a cleaner and some nursery sessions to cover the things that he should have been doing.

Sort out the balance at home and then decide if you want to go back to teaching or something else.