Should I be happy?

Again, these things are about basic disrespect for you. He thinks he is too good to clean his shit off the toilet but you are not. He is literally telling you he is better/more important than you because he earns big money. If he didn’t do these things before the big income, then it is him thinking he is the more powerful member of the family now. It would take him less than a minute to clean it. You need to give him a firm talking to about this. Explain it’s not just about the physical act of cleaning but the messaging behind it (but also, no one wants to look at or deal with another persons shit, that’s plain gross).

for the record again, I have a high earning DH. He cleans his own skid marks off the toilet, and would be mortified if I had to ask him to do this. We both come down very hard on the DC if they leave the toilet a mess.

This is not an issue that a housekeeper or you going back to work full time will fix. He should not leave that for a housekeeper to clean and he should not leave that for the love of his life to clean. This is a power dynamic issue where he sees himself as better than/more important than you. Sort it out now or there will be no coming back from it.

I don't and I could be wrong (am I?), but given your response - replete with cute violin emoji - it's a pretty safe assumption on MN.

If I am wrong then I apologize - But I'd still be interested in the reason for your 'My heart bleeds' response...even moreso if it's not a financial jealousy issue.

That’s rather bold of you. I’m not sure how you know she has more money than me.

People with money are able to think other people with money are being unreasonable.

In your position I think I would wait the 9 months until you move house before you think about going back to work. Teaching full time will mean you are away from your baby a lot of the time and she's still very young, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who doesn't absolutely have to. Even after the 9 months I would do part time until she goes to school

Why? I'd love to hear an explanation that isn't "You have more money than me therefore you're not allowed to be unhappy or want more out of life".

Get a really good cleaner and keep chatting to your man about his work life balance. No money in the world can buy these years back and you may end up resenting him forever and him not really showing up for your kid. Good luck. Definitely go back to work!

That's true. I personally would definitely pay for people to do it all for me if I could afford it 😂

But he needs to pull his socks up and stop being such a disgusting lazy pig with the little things that he just leaves at his arse for her to clean up for him.

But neither of them need to do do housework.

In the 1950s lots of people had help if they could afford it. Before WW1 they even had cooks, gardeners and housekeepers.

That's just plain laziness and totally disrespectful to you. So he works long hours. Big deal. He's a slob and needs to do better. Stop feeling sorry for him and like you have to be grateful for the man with his big important job bringing the cash in so you have the "luxury" of being a SAHM. He's treating you like a maid. You have the money so hire the help and go back to work for your own sake. And tell him to clean his own bloody plate and shit off the toilet.

I've only read the first three pages, so I've probably missed a lot of information.

I'm a care worker on minimum wage.
I absolutely adore my job, which is why I've done it for over 30 years.

I acknowledge that this is not the point of the thread - but, how the fuck have we got to a point of folk earning half a million quid a year?
What are they doing?

I earn roughly £25k a year, looking after elderly people at home to the very best of my ability. I think my role is important but, unfortunately, it's definitely not valued.

What job brings in £500k a year?

Sorry to ask, but this is a parallel universe to me.

Maybe you do that if you live in the 1950s. I don't work outside the home and I certainly do not do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry. I take care of our children at home while my partner works. I clean up any mess we make during the day but that is all. When he's home, it's 50/50 for everything including parenting. If he was working so many hours that I couldn't cope and felt overwhelmed to the point it was affecting my mental health, as it seems to be doing to the OP, he would just have to find a way to cut back and contribute more to the household tasks and parenting. Women do have a choice not to do these things or take on everything. Like some (apparently most) men do.

I’m finding your responses quite tedious. You seem determined to be miserable. You’re in an insanely privileged position. Get your husband told on tidying up after himself - that’s your only issue as far as I can see.

mother guilt - we all have this. You’re not unique. Go back to work part/time - as a teacher you get the holidays. Working is not just about the money, you will likely be happier with the mental stimulation. Stop the hand wringing and just get on with your life.

My DP used to work abroad and I hated going back to work with trying to fit everything in. If you are finding things stressful now I think adding in work won't be good. I guess you don't get any time for yourself at the moment so maybe start with hiring cleaner/housekeeper to remove those jobs that you hate doing and occasional childminder/babysitter to give you some free time and then you might feel better and better able to decide about going back to work

Who says though? Has your DH said this to you? Is he expecting this of you?
Does he resent you for having more 'time off' so expects you to be somehow punished for it by doing all the housework?

If not, then clearly this is an expectation you've put on yourself. If you were not working and living off benefits even though you are physically and mentally able to work, but choose not to, then fair enough, some kind of societal god might be looking down on you.

You're not. You have plenty of money, and assuming your DH is happy for you to spend it on cleaners, gardeners, then why not allow yourself the privilege of that and enjoy time with your toddler?

Stop confusing 'shoulds' with having no choice. Just because loads of people do everything themselves doesn't make that the standard you have to live up to. You're not automatically considered 'lazy' or a lesser human being by hiring a housekeeper.
Would you describe a lottery winner as lazy for quitting their job and enjoying the money? No, you'd tell them to bloody enjoy themselves.

Surely he would pay for childminder and cleaner? He lives in the house, eats, wears clothes and has a child doesn’t he? You could pay towards this but your incomes are not equal.

While having a 500k income sounds amazing on paper, it sounds like your DP has changed the power dynamic and terms of your relationship and you had no say in at all. So I do get where you are coming from.

Yes other posters are correct in that you have opportunities others can dream of, and you can choose to be full time, a sahm and anything in between and that's great but it sounds like by accepting those choices , you are also accepting that you are the one holding the fort while he is barely at home - fine if that was the agreed plan, not so fine if it's not what you signed up for.

Personally i think there is no point earning 500k a year if it doesn't bring some degree of happiness and I don't believe your DP couldn't cut back a bit, or hire someone to help him, and still earn 300 to 400 instead to show you he is an active participant at home also. No amount of hired help is going to fill the gap left by a vacant partner and father & given you say you dont need him to earn as much as he does, I'd be speaking to him about ways he can manage to cut back a bit - the alternative is to buy in help but if he's never there, you'll likely damage your relationship in the long term.

As pp have said, if this was a short term plan to earn as much as possible in a couple of years it could be more tolerable.

But no amount of earnings would allow my partner to leave his plate for me to move & it sounds like this is what you need to speak to him about, how his basic level of respect has changed since he became a higher earner.

But if it's making you miserable, then paying someone else to do it is the answer.

You can afford it. What is the point of your husband working so hard and making so much money if you're miserable? Surely a miserable mum isn't great for your daughter.

Get a housekeeper Mon - Fri and eat out at the weekends. Enjoy life.

Sounds like you feel like you have to be a martyr and don't deserve to spend money. Maybe get some counselling to explore why that is. That's not a dig btw: I used to be the same. Counselling helped. And you can afford it 😅

Could you get an au pair when you move to the bigger house, some company might be good aswell