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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I be happy?

256 replies

Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 17:11

So, my DH has become very successful in recent years. He makes £500k per annum for the last 5 years and it's on the up. I'm not someone who cares about material things. I drive a 25-year-old yaris and would happily spend the rest of my life living in our 2-bed house which I owned before I met him.
We've had a child in the last two years. I'm a sahm at the moment but planning on getting back to work ASAP, not for the money but for my mental health.
My AIBU is whether I should be unhappy with my current situation.
He works every hour that God sends but as a result, I'm forced into being a parent and housekeeper 24/7. I never wanted this life but have found myself in it. I instinctively feel that he should be doing housework but it feels unfair on him when he's racing home to spend time with our dd before bedtime and then back on his laptop, working. I find myself cooking, cleaning and entertaining our baby round the clock.
I have become the 1950's housewife which is so far from how I was raised and what I ever wanted. Tbh, he was the one who was desperate to have a child, I was on the fence but I'm madly in love with her now.
I want to go back to work ASAP but my meagre salary as a primary school teacher will mean we actually are at a deficit if I do and all the housework will still come down on me as he's permanently working.
He's self-employed and basically in the midst of creating an incredibly lucrative business so there's no chance of him being able to reduce hours.
I think what I'm asking is whether I should be happy pairing his socks, ironing his shirts and cleaning up everything in the house (including his dinner plate) every evening because he has work to do knowing that he is a great provider?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 17:52

Azureshores · 01/05/2025 17:29

I think in your position you should definitely go back to work - maybe wait until she's a bit older though? Only bc it goes so fast and you'll probably look back and be glad you stayed home for the first few years. When she's 2 and a half she'll be old enough to go to a playgroup and give you a few hours on your own. On £500k pa your family can easily afford childcare and a cleaner and send out your ironing etc.

It sounds like you would be much happier working and that's ok.

You're right. I know, it's a luxury to be in this position but in a way I wish I wasn't so lucky. It would be simpler if i just had to go back to work. I know she'd be better off with having me until 3 but I hate this role. There's no chance I'm not going back after that.

OP posts:
sumhip · 01/05/2025 17:52

On that salary, with a small mortgage you should be able to outsource most of it. Go back to work, take the hit, you can’t put a price on happiness/good mental health.

Azureshores · 01/05/2025 17:51

Ok so if he's happy for you to spend it get a cleaner and that's one things that's bothering you sorted isn't it? I'm a sahm with a high earning dh and I've never wanted to return to work tbh but if staying home is making you unhappy that's what you must do. What about part time?

Get that cleaner booked and take dd out for a couple of hours whilst they're cleaning. My dc's are all at high school/uni now and I still have cleaners come and blitz the house once a month bc I fucking hate it and we can afford it! Stop feeling guilty - once you let go of that things will feel much easier.

skirtingcurtain · 01/05/2025 17:47

want to go back to work ASAP but my meagre salary as a primary school teacher will mean we actually are at a deficit if I do

childcare will come out of total income surely?

I think what I'm asking is whether I should be happy pairing his socks, ironing his shirts and cleaning up everything in the house (including his dinner plate) every evening because he has work to do knowing that he is a great provider?

It depends what you want & how you envisage your life.

My dad had the big high earning power job & my mum was a SAHM (with a nanny, other help etc). He was a good dad but not a good husband as he was a workaholic who enjoyed the buzz from work & that came first. They are separated now. I didn't want to marry someone with that kind of job/mindset. One sibling followed my dad so in effect became him, the other is like me & didn't want to marry into either.

Original poster
Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 17:46

Azureshores · 01/05/2025 17:39

Does he make you feel guilty for spending money? Is that the problem?

Bc I seriously don't get why you wouldn't have a cleaner even as a sahm on that salary.

Absolutely not. He very much sees his income as 'ours'. He even gets a kick out of seeing me spend it when I do e.g. christening outfit cost 3k. But I'm generally just not bothered about buying stuff though. I've always been irked by people getting around with expensive items that are basically advertising for the brand because their logo is planted in plain view. I feel if your advertising for something, you should be paid to do so.

OP posts:
alwayslearning789 · 01/05/2025 17:45

Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 17:34

I suppose because a nanny and cleaner would cost far more so I'd feel like I was actively paying money to not raise my dd.

Show quote history

Work is not just about money.

And your situation is a case demonstrating just that (500k covers the lot you don't need to work per se)

It's cultivation of a sense of purpose, maintains independence, something that boosts your self esteem, keeps you connected to others, looks after the future you (pension), etc, etc

Stop thinking of work as paying for childcare it's totally not that.

grievingandhurt · 01/05/2025 17:45

I think you are allowed to feel however you feel about it and shouldn’t have to justify it. If you go back to work it will probably do you the world of good, but I don’t think you should responsible for paying the childcare out of your wages - if he is earning that much he should be paying it, otherwise it should be split between you, proportionate to your (and his) income and therefore you wouldn’t be thinking of it as you being in a deficit and working essentially for nothing.

Heyyoupleasekeepgoing · 01/05/2025 17:44

Its hard for people to sympathise but it is actually tough when this happens. My DH is the same, recently successful, always away - we are employing a housekeeper even though I work PT - the way I think of it is that it is HIM that needs a housekeeper not me!! I am doing my share. So I don’t offset it against my salary. The other thing that has helped me is allowing myself to pursue my own goals the same as he does his. For me that’s included the goal of spending time with DS before he starts school. If you’re a teacher you don’t need to rush in this situation. Spend some time really thinking what will make you happy and how you can do it. Childcare, domestic help is all a lot cheaper and nicer than a divorce - especially for him when he’s on that kind of £!

andtheworldrollson · 01/05/2025 17:43

Many teachers are also single parents - without Nanny and cleaners and gardeners

pull your socks up and crack on

IDontDrinkTea · 01/05/2025 17:42

Why haven’t you already hired a cleaner?! Even not at work, having a cleaner come in twice a week would significantly ease your burden

Wishimaywishimight · 01/05/2025 17:42

Your DH earns half a million - why on earth are you cleaning? Do you still live in a 2 bed house?

Azureshores · 01/05/2025 17:41

So he makes about £10K per week? A cleaner costs what? £80 per week?

alwayslearning789 · 01/05/2025 17:41

Do you suffer from anxiety OP?

Original poster
Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 17:39

Comedycook · 01/05/2025 17:35

And I do understand that the cost of the paid childcare and household help would probably be more than what you earn therefore the entire household income would be worse off...but in terms of your happiness and fulfillment, surely it would be worth it?

My Dh is very supportive and recognises that going back to work would be good for me. He's also always talking about getting more help into the home.
Having said that, his duties abroad were never on this level before she was born so part of me is afraid to go back to work (as a primary school teacher which comes with so many stresses) because I can't see how I'll cope with all of it on my shoulders.

OP posts:
Azureshores · 01/05/2025 17:39

Does he make you feel guilty for spending money? Is that the problem?

Bc I seriously don't get why you wouldn't have a cleaner even as a sahm on that salary.

Exasperated24 · 01/05/2025 17:39

My heart bleeds OP

🎻

user8636283907 · 01/05/2025 17:37

I don't get you OP. Sounds like a cry for attention.

By the time school fees are paid and our housekeeper is paid (on a monthly basis), that's already over my monthly salary.

Work because you want to but sounds like you're making excuses.

Comedycook · 01/05/2025 17:37

And to be honest, even if you're a sahm, with that sort of income you can afford some domestic help...ie cleaner, laundry service...

What about part time childcare and doing some volunteering to keep yourself occupied and fulfilled outside of the home?

andtheworldrollson · 01/05/2025 17:37

You would not be in deficit
he would be using his money to buy things he should be doing

Comedycook · 01/05/2025 17:35

And I do understand that the cost of the paid childcare and household help would probably be more than what you earn therefore the entire household income would be worse off...but in terms of your happiness and fulfillment, surely it would be worth it?

Original poster
Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 17:34

Comedycook · 01/05/2025 17:33

If he makes that much, why don't you get a nanny and a cleaner and go back to work?

I suppose because a nanny and cleaner would cost far more so I'd feel like I was actively paying money to not raise my dd.

OP posts:
user8636283907 · 01/05/2025 17:34

Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 17:31

We'd be at a deficit because I'd want her to have a childminder in the home. She's an anxious character and I want her to feel very secure in her first 3 years to avoid stressing her. If money can give me anything, it's the reassurance that my baby is happy and content in her formative years. By the time my income is taxed and then goes on to paying for her childcare, there's basically no difference. My husband is very supportive of me staying home for another year. But another year of house duties makes me want to cry!
Having said that, I recognise that chores need to be done and it feels seriously unfair to expect him to do them after a day of work, playing with dd and then back to work until 1 in the morning. He's doing his best but I hate this life.

Like I just said, get a nanny and a cleaner. You can afford it.

I'm surprised you're still doing chores when he is on this kind of money now anyway.

Comedycook · 01/05/2025 17:33

If he makes that much, why don't you get a nanny and a cleaner and go back to work?

Original poster
Cnf1 · 01/05/2025 17:31

We'd be at a deficit because I'd want her to have a childminder in the home. She's an anxious character and I want her to feel very secure in her first 3 years to avoid stressing her. If money can give me anything, it's the reassurance that my baby is happy and content in her formative years. By the time my income is taxed and then goes on to paying for her childcare, there's basically no difference. My husband is very supportive of me staying home for another year. But another year of house duties makes me want to cry!
Having said that, I recognise that chores need to be done and it feels seriously unfair to expect him to do them after a day of work, playing with dd and then back to work until 1 in the morning. He's doing his best but I hate this life.

OP posts:
user8636283907 · 01/05/2025 17:30

OP! Get a housekeeper ffs.

My DH earns similar to yours and I work full time and have a pathetic salary compared to his but I will never give up work.

We have a nanny-housekeeper to make our lives easier.

Happiness is relative.