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Original poster

Husband not earning minimum wage

66 replies

Koalalife · 01/05/2025 16:35

Hi long story but advise welcome.

Been together 12 years and have 2 young children. I work part time because of childcare costs and no stable childcare from family. I have offered to work full time to make the wage up, but he would have to work part time to look after the kids. Basically husband works for family company and he isn't earning minimum wage. I find this really stressful. He works really hard and works long days and really wants to provide for us as a family. But I am struggling as he seems to be living on a promise of success, but it doesnt seem to arrive and if anything the business seems in the worst position it has ever been. It was never really a problem as we just put x in the joint account and the rest of the money was our own independently but I am really noticing after 2 mat leaves and mortgage increase and dropping to partime.
I struggle with it because he has had to ask to be paid a number of times this year the day before our mortgage goes out and one month he wasn't paid until after our mortgage went out and it is making me feel sick.
This has caused a significant disconnect with me and his family because I am so hurt by it and feel really vulnerable. But I feel like the children and I are not being put before this family business. He often says he will get another job but he doesn't have the confidence to apply and feels he owes his loyality to his dad and the business. DH has had significant mental health problems this year and it has really took its toll and I don't think it is the answer to everything but I am at a point where I feel I need him to change jobs to help things improve and at least be paid for the work he is doing.
Very complex relationship between him and his dad. FIL very controlling,emotionally abusive to DH and recently physically abusive - but I have been told this is normal in family businesses by DH, but i havent spoke to FIL in approx 18months.
Please be kind, and we did consider finances prior to our children but things have significanlltly changed, we are meeting all our bills and have some money over but it feels tight with nursery fees also.

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Crazyworldmum · 02/05/2025 09:05

Koalalife · 01/05/2025 17:15

@ThinWomansBrain thanks for this I will take a look.
@InWithPeaceOutWithStress but he gets payslips, he is employed. Surely he exists to the tax man. I don't know anything about employment. I just go to work and get paid so I have never dealt with it in my job.

You can go online and see what tax and NI is paid by creating an account

Ophy83 · 02/05/2025 09:01

Is there any chance you could move away to make a new start elsewhere? He may find it easier to tell his father that he is leaving the business because of the move than to face the anger/abuse he is likely to get if he gives the real reason.

FrankbyNature · 02/05/2025 08:48

Abusive family relationships are common and a real burden for all it affects.

Sometimes the only remedy is to break off all contact, but he needs to come to that conclusion, you cannot do that for him.

What you can do, and by the looks of things have already inroads into that, is to say that you are not willing to be affected by that dysfunctionality and draw some clear lines.

Power to your elbow.

Original poster
Koalalife · 02/05/2025 08:41

We spoke about it all more openly than we have. DH says he will have a conversation with him. Ultimately for me I expect to be treated fairly us all to be treated fairly, we are putting food on the table and bills are paid but it feels tight.

There has been more response than i expected so sorry if i skipped your comment.
Childcare dc attend 30hrs per week, lo will get 30 hours from Sept 2025 as per childcare initiative and that will open up for me to work more with less of a financial burden from nursery or at the same cost. We have spoke about a 2nd job but I think he needs a clean break.

I think there are complexities that I don't understand DH is in therapy which means I do have to tread carefully. I have mentioned financial abuse for a long time but he wouldn't ever admit it And i imagine that is hard to think about from your own family. The financial control I find suffocating and is ultimately why I stopped my contact with FIL but I do agree that DH is allowing this to happen to us. So I feel very conflicted between this is hard for DH and he needs to sort him self out for us.

OP posts:
MoodyMargaret11 · 02/05/2025 08:35

As abused and gaslit your DH may be, surely he must be seeing the direct effects happening??
He's seen his pay being a pittance, inadequate to support his children.
Seen his pay arrive late, making mortgage and other bills paid late.
Agreeing to waive off his pension - what is he going to rely on in retirement?

And then he blames you for asking him to get a new job! What he is doing is extremely selfish and actually abusive - to his children and wife, who should be his main priority.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 02/05/2025 08:16

Your DH is deep in the FOG. He loves and feels obliged to his family, he's never known them any other way so their behaviour is 'normal' to him. He's been brought up to be obedient and to do as he is told - so he's just continuing to do that. He will find it extraordinarily hard to break away, whatever ultimatums you give him, and he needs therapy to help him see what is actually happening to him.

GabriellaMontez · 02/05/2025 08:07

This is awful.

He's being treated like a modern day slave.

His dad is breaking several laws. Just from what you've told us here.

I appreciate your dh is a victim. But that doesn't mean you have to be a victim too.

You're right to get away from this. You're effectively enabling your fil to continue this treatment. You deserve better.

everythingthelighttouches · 02/05/2025 08:03

I have several thoughts. You can look at this emotionally or practically but either way, your husband is treating you terribly.

Emotionally
Your husband is being abused but he is also financially abusing you and he is not providing for his children.

He is an adult and awful though the abuse by his father to him may be, he does have agency . Your children do not. They are dependent on him and it is his responsibility to protect his children. He is not doing this.
(it is also your responsibility to protect your children).

Practically
Sorry but he needs to get a second job.
45 hours per week is not loads.
. He needs to work 70 hours a week and put food on the table. Anything. Supermarket/warehouse work would be a start.
Tough but plenty of people do it.

Check companies house. Who are the directors of the company? Is he one? Is he being paid in dividends that you don’t know about?

This is the beginning of a negotiation. Stay firm (for you and him and your children). He will have to tell his father now and ultimately his father may choose to pay him more to keep him.

CuppaC0ffeetax · 02/05/2025 08:00

What is stopping your family for claiming child care if you work more hours ?

Or is your youngest too young to claim the childcare ?

AndImBrit · 02/05/2025 07:33

Note that if he is a director of the company then minimum wage laws may not apply to him, so the company isn’t necessarily breaking the law.

BUT that’s a separate issue as to whether this is sustainable for your family

BlossomBlanket · 02/05/2025 07:05

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 01/05/2025 16:48

Until he sees you and the children as his family, not them, he will never prioritise you.

I am sorry OP

This is sadly at the crux of it

Comtesse · 02/05/2025 07:02

Your husband is being financially abused by his father. Something has got to change. I’m not surprised it’s affecting his mental health.

FrankbyNature · 02/05/2025 03:56

You've done the right thing.

Claim your space and the respect anyone deserves.

Why would someone not want to pay their child for a job done well is beyond me. Not being able to pay your mortgage on time is having a direct effect on your wellbeing.

altmember · 02/05/2025 02:36

Is he a director of this company? (Sounds like he probably isn't) Directors are exempt from nmw legislation and believe also workplace pension rules.

If the business is profitable enough that all the other employees are appropriately renumerated then it's particularly unfair. If it's because the business is going through a rough patch and they're just hanging on then maybe it's more understandable (assuming there's a light at the end of the tunnel). Do you know if his dad is drawing a proper salary and/or dividends or is he making similar sacrifice to keep the company afloat?

Ultimately the only solution is for him to stand up to his dad.

Velmy · 02/05/2025 01:19

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

As others have said, this is financial abuse and FIL is potentially acting illegally.

There will almost certainly not be a satisfactory outcome here, in terms of all parties walking away happy.

Your partner needs to make a clean break and do as much as he can to secure his interests moving forward. He will need to find out if he is up to date RE: tax and NI. He will need to figure out his pension situation (state & private).

Hopefully he will be able to transfer his skills to a new job/industry.

This will not be easy for him; he'll need your patience and support. Good luck.

Tbrh · 02/05/2025 00:33

What's the actual business plan? Incoming, outgoing, profit projections etc? Is this available? If this exists that's promising, but if it doesn't its a huge red flag and likely the business will go bust

SullysBabyMama · 02/05/2025 00:16

So your DH is being kept as a slave, but doesn’t realise it as he thinks he will one day be paid for his work by inheriting the imaginary successful business?
If the business hasn’t become successful in all these years what’s going to change anytime in the future?

Malagase · 01/05/2025 23:57

This is financially abusive and illegal.

His father could live another 25 years and still holding the reins.

Nasty abusive types like to control.
His father's going nowhere.
He needs to report his father and get his back pay paid.

Get legal advice.
Speak to ACAS.

NattyTurtle59 · 01/05/2025 23:15

I would be advising your DH to find a proper job. The whole thing sounds toxic, and no, it isn't normal in a family business. His father sounds awful, why on earth does he think he owes him any loyalty? Loyalty works both ways.

Blueskies25 · 01/05/2025 22:03

Koalalife · 01/05/2025 21:10

I gave him an ultimatum and I feel like shit about it. Because I know how hard he has worked and it really isn't in my nature to give ultimatums. I have never gone with ultimatums, he has said he will find a new job but he is really upset about it. He has put his whole working life into the business and he now feels pushed to give up on it. I hope we will get through this. I think there are complexities to this that I don't understand but he feels like he has helped build something and I am making him give it up.
It has been a really difficult time And I would never normally post on here.

Is he going to say you forced him into leaving the family business and the family will turn against him

Is there a possibility he could stay there if he said to his father he would leave unless he is paid properly and on time as his family need the money, then if his father doesn’t agree to it, it is really his father who is forcing him out

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