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Original poster

Can't cope with MIL’s guilt-trips

33 replies

BadHairForDays · 01/05/2025 14:50

DH, and our DC live in the town where DH and I met (a long time ago) and married. PILs live about 3-4 hours away. SIL lives in another part of the country, again a few hours away from ILs and from us.

DH and I try to see ILs as much as we can. This probably works out on average as 8 times a year, us going there and them coming to us, and they’ll have DC for a good chunk over the hols sometimes. My family also live a few hours away, so we try to make sure everyone gets their “fair share” and we alternate Xmases. We call them once a week.

Since the day our first DC was born, MIL has brought up the distance. Fast forward a number of years and it’s getting worse. Saying “you’ve taken our GC away” but then adding “lol” to show it’s a joke (?!), saying it’s “killing” her not being able to have them nearby, saying we “deprive” her/them of looking after our GC, saying GC “belong” in their area. Lots of jokes about kidnapping them, telling us we’re too hard on our kids, not listening to us and interfering unhelpfully when we try to do the boring mundane bits of parents like trying to get them to eat, to bed, or if they do something naughty. We do these bits so my ILs can have the fun parts.

What upsets me is two things; 1, both my DM and DF are long dead but she’ll say in front of me that she’s sad she’s not seeing my DC grow up on a regular bases, and 2, DH who is a good, thoughtful son is starting to get upset and angry at his DM’s constant moaning and jibes. Before, he was able to brush it off/roll his eyes but MIL now compares herself constantly to her friends and how they see their GC on a more regular basis and is bringing this up more and more.

DC are their only grandkids, and it’s probably going to stay that way for a while. The negativity and comments has always annoyed me, but it’s telling that DH is now reacting to it.

Does anyone have any experience of this and did you develop coping mechanisms? I swing between ignoring her and sometimes reacting (though never strongly), but it makes me not look forward to seeing my ILs and I don’t like that’s making DH feel bad. I sort of think, let her get on with it, it's her thing to come to terms with (or not), but every so often she'll say something I can't gloss over.

OP posts:
Ayeayeaye25 · 01/05/2025 15:23

Its hard on you but try and ignore and be grateful they don’t live any closer.

My MIL was a bit like this. As the kids got older when we were visiting and about to go home she would start saying I don’t want you to go home I want you to stay here forever but your mummy wants to take you away from me (basically driving home early Sunday evening after staying there all weekend). I would dread the kids kicking off and wanting to stay with her but fortunately they never did. I think she was so full on I think they were terrified we would leave them with her.

A lot of it is probably competitive grand-parenting caused by her friends saying hows little so and so getting on have you not had them down to visit you. Well I see our little so so 4 times a week and we babysit every Saturday and I couldn’t cope with anything less you should tell them to come and visit you more often because your missing out etc etc.

Cynic17 · 01/05/2025 15:22

Seeing the in laws 8 times a year is an awful lot, tbh. If she makes a fuss, just ignore her or pass her on to your husband.
You are an adult - you can choose who you see, and when. Just be more assertive.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 01/05/2025 15:18

Saying “you’ve taken our GC away” but then adding “lol” to show it’s a joke (?!), saying it’s “killing” her not being able to have them nearby, saying we “deprive” her/them of looking after our GC, saying GC “belong” in their area. Lots of jokes about kidnapping them, telling us we’re too hard on our kids, not listening to us and interfering unhelpfully when we try to do the boring mundane bits of parents like trying to get them to eat, to bed, or if they do something naughty. We do these bits so my ILs can have the fun parts.

Your husband needs to pull them up on this shit. He should tell them that the bitching, whinging, kidnap threats and critiques are making him not want to spend any time with them, and ask them how they want to proceed and correct their behaviour.
You can choose not to spend your limited time off work around these people, since it's of no benefit to you and is unenjoyable, why would you go along?

Original poster
BadHairForDays · 01/05/2025 15:15

@WorriedOnion although he does say the odd thing along these lines, he's nowhere near as bad and tends to have a more solid sense of perspective.

Thing is (and also to @sesquipedalian 's point), they are v good GPs. My DC love them to bits, which makes it harder in many ways. I don't think i could ever imply she's in danger of seeing her less - that would have to be DH's call - and it would be a real shame if it did come to that, and i hope it doesn't.

OP posts:
WorriedOnion · 01/05/2025 15:08

You, or preferably your husband, could say to her that her attempts at trying to make you feel guilty, threats to kidnap the children, criticism of your parenting and the rest of her lies really are not conducive to either of you having any confidence in letting the children see them at all. She is spoiling what could have been a very nice relationship, for the whole family.

What is your FIL like, in this respect?

sesquipedalian · 01/05/2025 15:00

DH needs to have a word with his parents, to the effect that either they stop this, or they won’t see you so often. If DH feels he can’t say anything, then cut down on how long or how often you go and stay with them. If they complain, tell them why. You have the whip hand - they want to see you and the DGC more than you want to go and see them, and if they’ve any sense, they’ll realise this (although I know from other DGPs and their sense of entitlement that this is not always the case.)

toomuchfaff · 01/05/2025 15:00

Don't accept any of the bullshit.

Her choices are as said above. She can move or she can shut up.

Tell her that you don't appreciate the persistent passive aggressive comments regarding your location and their access. You make it clear you are not moving, so she now has the two choices to either accept her set in life, or change it, but you will Halt immediately any further conversations where she mentions either your location or access to GC. Stop the convo dead, and say right I'm going. Speak later.

She will probably say "it's not up to us to move" - we'll we are not moving, so this merry go round stops today. Sick of it and not playing anymore.

This should probably come from DH as its his parents and you'll be seen as the villain. But you uphold it.

It's not your responsibility to manage their emotions. It's only your responsibility to manage your reaction to their emotions.

Remember that.

ChocolateAddictAlways · 01/05/2025 14:52

She will either have to accept the distance or move closer to you. Constantly making snarky comments at you and your husband won’t solve anything for her. I understand many GPs love to see more of their GC but the passive aggressive comments help no one!

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