Can't cope with MIL’s guilt-trips

My MIL used to be like this is started answering back with comments like that's a shame , why don't you move then ,easier for you to visit you don't work she soon give it a rest.

Because its 3-4 hours away.
So 8 times a year is a lot IMO, to pack up children and visit.
We find twice a year hard to schedule and they are 90 minutes away and we really like our siblings.
Life is busy, always something happening with one child or another.

Yes that’s what I thought ha ha.

We see my in-laws once every 5/6 weeks (they live hours away) and my parents once every 3/4 weeks (they are much closer).

I don't understand these pushy , entitled MILs who guilt trip. I had experience of this , mil constantly like 'oh I get depressed because I can't see my baby more than once a week". Constantly pushing for more and more time , overnight stays. Why not just enjoy the time you have. She was manipulative and controlling and now the silly witch doesn't get much time at all because of her behaviour and the guilt trips still continue
I'd just say , this is the situation, we see you when we can and you'd appreciate it if you don't make these guilt tripping comments about it. I think you need to call her out and stand firm that you will not tolerate these comments any longer.

How do you get an awful lot out of 8 times a year ? So it’s like once every 6 and a half weeks!! An awful lot would be six times a week in my book!

My MIL was nowhere near as bad but when DD was young she did make rude/unhelpful comments on her frustration that we lived in opposite ends of the country in my hometown, and constant hints that we could move etc (especially after my parents moved away to retire). DH explicity stated that we had made a life there and its where we wanted our DD to grow up. MIL eventually accepted it when DD started school.

I tried not to take it personally, and I do understand that it would be frustrating that my parents who lived two hours away saw DD every few months. Plus its part of a wider issue that MIL would have liked and expected more grandkids, we only had the one child, SIL2 is childless and SIL1 had her two children many years before DD was born.

I think your husband should her to stop. Something like "Mum we miss you as well but these comments are a bit hurtful z we visit as much as we can."

I would treat it as a joke OP. Every time she says something like this, say "oh not this AGAIN! Yawn!" If you do this every single time, hopefully she'll get the message and STFU.

My Dd1 and GD6 lived 3 hours away until 6 months ago. I only visited occasionally as it was too far to go there and back with no where to stay(zero money)
Every opportunity available we would meet half way and GD would stay for a few days, week, whatever could be done. Even from 2 I zoom called her and played with her for 30 mins every week and spoke often on WhatsApp. We are very close and lucky for mee they now live 10 mins away so I can properly help out aniseed her several times a week. I didn't press for them to move as we are adults and make our own decisions, you PIL could be more involved if they tried.

Why do you never react strongly?

These comments are unkind. Yet she's completely comfortable to make them to you.

Next time say

"both my DM and DF are long dead and everytime you say that it makes me sad".

Prepare a few stock lines. She needs to learn some sensitivity.

Or better still just stop seeing her. Sounds like a lot.

The most mumsnet comment I have read this week. Unless of course childvare is required. In which case 8 times a week is too light

I have the same problem but it’s my own mum so it’s easier to say she is being unreasonable and creating unnecessary stress and pressure.

it sounds like you could pick this up with fil and get him to have the conversation as he can say he feeels the same but she can’t carry on acting that way. If not, big girl boots on.

chatgpt suggests… I wanted to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind. I know you miss the kids and wish we lived closer—it’s clear how much you love them, and we really do appreciate all the time and energy you put into being involved. At the same time, some of the things you say about the distance and how we’re raising them have started to feel a bit hurtful, and they’re also affecting DH. We want to keep a positive and loving relationship with you, so I hoped we could talk about it.

It’s performative nonsense OP. If she says any of this again you say “well that’s unreasonable” or “well move closer then” just shut it down. Or “look these comments are getting quite tiresome we are doing the best we can and short of you moving here there is nothing else to be done so please stop moaning about it”

This is sensible, calm advice. Have a gentle conversation with them first, especially as you.say they're good GPs and they have a good relationship with the kids. Perhaps it might help her get some perspective, and hopefully FIL would also back you up.

Good grandparents don't harass their children like this.
It would definitely put many off the effort od actually visiting.
It all sounds a bit toxic.
I think you need to spell out to your husband how wearing it is.
8 times a year is a llotto visit for such a distance.

What age are the children?
As they grow they get very busy with their own lives and may not be up for so much visiting.

I'm not necessarily suggesting you do this, but "It's not the distance that's stops us seeing more of you, it's comments like that" would fly out of my mouth.

Everyone saying moving is an option. Good lord if my in laws moved to be closer I would have to move 😂

Why is this all on you? If MIL wants to be so close what’s stopping her uprooting her own life to move near you?

I don’t see why the guilt should be on you. I’ve had similar from my DM, who lives in a horrible deprived part of the country that I worked very hard to get away from as a teen. Why would I move my family there? She’s welcome to follow me, but it’s all guilt in my direction.

I don’t think seeing grandchildren 8 times a year is an ‘awful lot’!

If they’re like that now they’ll be a whole lot worse when your DC are older and have clubs, hobbies and friends that they’d rather spend time with than going to GPs house for the weekend!

I would tell MIL that you find her 'jokey' comments upsetting and would she please stop because you're glad to have a good relationship with them and that you don't want anything to ruin that. I wouldn't suggest that they move nearer you in case they take you up on it! It's much harder to put boundaries in place if they're just round the corner and you don't want them popping in whenever they like!

Either it stops I would be telling DH or he is going on his own and you and the kids will stay away,crikey life is tough enough these days without this added pressure,sorry your suffering this OP.

Start from a place that you have a good relationship, because you clearly do get on with them, and you, DH and the kids genuinely like them.

I would say something like: We are starting to find your comments upsetting and I wish you would stop sending messages like this. I understand you’d like to see more of the kids, we would too, but by the time you have factored in their school, our jobs, their hobbies and friends, visiting you, visiting mine and DH’s siblings, holidays, we are doing the best we can to spend time with the kids ourselves and well as with everyone else. We are settled and happy where we live. You could think about moving here to be closer to us - we would love that! But beyond that, please don’t send any more messages about “kidnapping the kids” or “depriving you of seeing them” or it “killing you to not be closer to them”. It upsets us and we don’t want to feel upset.

I don’t think it matter if you or DH say it, it should be from both of you. It might just get the message home, but it might not. If she persists, you cannot change her behaviour but you can change how you respond to it - you are in control of your thoughts and feelings. Train yourself to read and not take it personally.

Maybe about time you got a new phone /new number /dropped it on the loo.
Ils never had my mobile number.. Made for a much easier life.
Let dh deal with her altogether...

I get what you're saying @BadHairForDays but good grandparents don't joke about kidnapping their grandchildren or criticise the children's parents. This stuff she is coming out with is damaging. She's pissing on her own chips.

When she comes out with unreasonable lines you could ask her to repeat them, every time. If it's something like the kidnap thing ask her why she would say such a thing. If she claims she was joking you could say it's a disturbing thing to joke about and nobody's laughing. Start calling her up on her own words and see if she starts to hear herself as others hear her.

But also try and seem positive about the good things she says and does so she doesn't think you're picking on her.