Parenting Critique from Grandparents

Then what is she bragging about???

Well, I understand your irritation, given the back story, but actually, if she is managing your kids well it’s an opportunity for you to perhaps learn a different technique in dealing with them too?
You don’t need to give her plaudits for it, but don’t cut off your nose to spite your face!

I am nc withy dm. Partly due to her criticism of my parenting when she was a rubbish dm. Think men round for loud sex, moved about 20 times before I was 12
..
Affairs that got me beaten up...
She would have my dc whispering in corners about me.
Out she went. Gone from out lives. Been best part of 25 years. Had a year of contact 12 years ago. Those shudders came back and out she went. For good now.
Yabu to allow her anywhere near your dc... Imo.

If your mother's view of your CSA is that you were promiscuous, I would cut her off entirely. How dare she pontificate on how you bring up your kids when she couldn't stop her son from smashing up the house and she blamed you for your own CSA. She sounds like a disgusting human being. If you think that she wasn't a bad parent, you must be stuck in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) as objectively, her child rearing efforts were shit.

I wish you all the best. You are generous in you ability to see another perspective and I hope your mum is too.

Oh come on now. I can have lots of conversations with my MIL about parenting my daughter and it is absolutely clear there is no judgement there at all. She will say things like “it was 50 years ago for me, I remember doing xyz, but my boys were different to [my daughter], I remember how hard it was, have you tried abc”

I can also have conversations with my mum where she is definitely not judging, but there are way more conversations where she definitely is. She thinks she isn’t. She will claim she isn’t. But it’s really clear that she is, because it’s the same way she talks about all the other people she judges.

Rather than deciding to spend less time supporting your daughter, and blaming her tiredness and irritability, perhaps think about what you are saying and how. Does it need to be said? If she is struggling, ask her what she is struggling with, what she has tried and how it worked or not. Ask if she wants to know your thoughts and tell her why you think xyz might work. If you can’t talk to your daughter without annoying her, it’s more likely that’s your issue not hers.

Absolutely. And some of the issues will be about different approaches and the way understanding of children's behaviour had evolved. You mum probably parented in a time when the expectation of children's behaviour was a lot more generic with fewer allowances for individuals. In a nutshell, good parents could and should 'make' their children good, and if they couldn't they were doing something wrong. Your mum's experience with your brother, plus her huge misjudgement about the peadophile is unlikely to have left her confidence intact and this will be driving her need to show herself as better now. Unfortunately this is reading as 'better than you' rather than better than her past self. Which is very difficult for you. I do think you should speak to her. Maybe something along the lines of what a good job she is doing as a grandmother, bit sometimes it damages your confidence if you feel she is criticising you.

GM here. Honestly I think it can be really hard to make conversation between mother and daughter. I find it's really difficult to not say something that is mistaken as judgment or criticism. Mums are often tired and irritable and GM often desperate to connect with their adult children. The answer is to not spend much time together. Keep visits and phone calls short and/or infrequent. I try to dumb down as much asppossible to improve my DDs confidence. For reference the mum guilt doesn't go away easily no matter how old your kids get.

If it helps, I'll tell you that as a mother I made what I know feel was a mistake in an aspect of parenting my DD. As a GP I feel compelled to show that I'm not doing that particular thing again when I'm looking after her child, so will find myself telling her that I did this that or the other with GC. I suppose if she did something different it could come across as me hypocritically offering advice, but that's not where it's coming from, iyswim? I suppose I'm saying that older mothers/grandmothers have our issues. We have made mistakes, we feel guilt, and we get it wrong. If we are well intentioned, we should be open to having that pointed out to us so we can review our behaviour. I hope your mum is and that you can have a conversation where you explain how her comments make you feel and that she takes it on board.

Thank you. My own mum died when I was a teen so I have nothing to go from so I have had to work out the "being a Granny" for myself. In many ways it is easier because I can be the Granny I would have wanted my own children to have and likewise being a mum to teens and older it's almost as if you can write your own blueprint without a history behind it, good or bad, I suppose.

My mother also thinks she is a superior parent to my child, despite rarely seeing them.

I empathise with your frustration, it can be difficult to bite your tongue.

I see. Sounds possible then that she may have issues about how she parented herself, which she is trying to resolve with a do -over. When she tells you what she's done that 'worked' she may well just be fishing for praise about her parenting skills to excorcise her own feelings of failure. Its very difficult to deal with.

You could confront her about her parenting failures or maybe make some oblique references like "well at least he hasn't got to the stage where he is smashing the house up yet" and see how it goes down.

But my guess is they will have been subject to revision in her head. IME people have a habit of conveniently forgetting the stuff they don't want to remember and the longer time ago it was the more likely the truth has been revised in their heads.

Maybe worthwhile considering that there is a price to pay for everything. And this irritation is the price you have to pay for the help you are getting with your kids.

This is beautiful - well done you ♥️

OK, sorry, thought that you had said those things to her and she was responding to that, as in didn't want him singled out as 'difficult' and advising you accordingly.