Am I being too clingy to my husband?

Is it the going out for brunch he doesn't like? Could you make the time you're just generally at home together into quality time? Presumably every night you have dinner... could you make that a proper sit down, glass of wine, quality chat at the table sort of thing? I wonder if he feels that with work and twins, he likes to escape alone on his free time. It might be a good one to properly discuss, as it's just different expectations in a marriage - you want your free time to be together, he has sort of lumped you into the babies and uses his free time to be away from you all and relax. I can see both points of view (as long as he's pulling his weight at home and is a good dad).

I don't think you're being clingy at all. You might just both have different ideas of how you want to spend time together, and I don't think either of you are in the wrong.
Your wish to spend time with him is probably more pronounced being a SAHM with twins, that must be intense!
If I was in the same position I would feel the same I think. We spend most of our weekends as a family, maybe a couple of hours here and there apart and if my husband suddenly wanted to go off and spend all weekend doing other stuff without me I definitely wouldnt feel happy about it, although he'd be perfectly reasonable to want to do that!

What the fuck is this thread on about? He should “sacrifice” his gym and fucking solo leisure time to be with his family. Any man who doesn’t is a twat. He has babies and a wife. His life cannot go on as before.
I had twins. I worked FT as did my DP. I longed for him to be around and for us to be together at weekends. What’s the point otherwise? Separate individuals who happen to share a house and children?

I think it is normal to lose some independence when you're at home and the children are small.

I remember when DD was a baby, we lived away from my family, I would be waiting on him to come home, the world itself seems scarier when you have little ones.

The good news is that it will pass, things will improve. It strengthened my relationship as he was supportive during the lows and the high times.

I didn't realise parents of 1 y.o twins had time off. Replying to a previous post.

Your babies are still so little and your hormones will still be all over the place so please give yourself a bit of a break and acknowledge that you're not quite back to your old self yet. From my experience it takes years to feel confident and comfortable again. You probably are clinging on to him as he's the only bit that was the same before the babies and you are trying to get back that safe 'you' feeling. As you say, talk to him and tell him how you feel. Being a new mum makes you feel vulnerable for quite a while so you need him to reassure you that you're still there in your new normal. Good luck x

How intense is his job? Both my DH and I have really full on jobs, long hours and both need time to decompress at the weekend, otherwise it’s a never ending treadmill

Luckily we both are happy that each other need time on their own to do this and makes our time together even better because we are in the right headspace to do that

OP it sounds like he does his share of house duties so at least he is not hiding from that. But maybe you need to ask him what he needs as well as you saying what you need and come to a compromise. If my DH was constantly wanting my company after a long work week we wouldn’t last long

Obligation is the enemy of enjoyment OP.

I think if you stepped back a bit you’ll probably find that he’ll want to spend more 1-1 time with you.

I think it’s all about give and take. My OH has a few busy weekends with friends this months so the weekends have been taken up with that, but we’ll take LO to the park first thing or to the shops and grab a coffee in the morning before he goes out.
Then in June, I have a busy few weekends with friends so he will need to take over the reigns of parenting etc.

Maybe a few evenings a week you can plan a nice tea and movie to watch (obviously depends on how cooperative you babies are) but you’re obviously needing that one to one time, which isn’t a bad thing.

You might find that once you’re back in work, you’ll be glad of a bit of “separate time” to decompress yourself.

Yeah.

i mean people defo have different conceptions of family time and such so hopefully he worded something before you tried to have kids.

in my opinion, the two days off are family time but you can do your own stuff too provided that it is a few hours total not…a few hours family and then all « me » time. As the kids grow…he might feel more inclined to stay longer as they will play but it is torture to you that you do the whole days/night with only a few hours of 1 day with the dad of your children. It is nice you have loads of others that help but he defo takes the mick!

Does he ever have the kids on his own? He should do. If he has them sat am for example giving you some you time then he gets sat afternoon and o himself and then Sunday you do a family day most weekends but you can both make other plans with prior agreement if the split is fair. TBH it sounds like hardwork. Really you should just both let the other make plans but be respectful of doing your fair share and spending time together but if it's not coming naturally then he may need to agree to a schedule.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

I think the evenings are hard for you as you have had a day at home with the twins and therefore want adult interaction. However DH has had a day at work, come home and been involved with the kids and then just wants some down time which I don't blame him for.
What do you do during the day? Do you see family or friends? Go to any clubs?
Could you also at this point go out for an hour or so in the evening to get that adult time?
I know you want it to be with your husband but I don't think he is wrong for needing some quiet time after work and the kids are in bed.

I agree that the weekends should be spent as a family, but maybe with some time for you both to do something else like sports.
What exactly is he doing if he is doing errands for others?

Why can’t you have both.

One evening set aside for him to game, one evening set aside for quality time together and so on. It doesn’t have to just be one way or another. There’s room for everything.

That's not unreasonable to have a family day, we do at least one day, but we will end up doing other things too. With babies it's hard to actually do something, like an activity for example. He should also take the twins for a couple of hours so you can do some stuff too.

The evenings has also been an arguing point, as again after a long day of work and then helping put the babies to bed by the time it’s all done it’s around 8-8:30pm, and ideally he would like to play his video games to relax and I would ideally us chill together and watch tv/ videos. So even that has been part of the issue as I can’t sit with him whilst he plays because he doesn’t listen to a word I say lol. And if I ask him to chill with me a few evenings I can tell it would feel forced and I’d hate that.

Multitasking isn’t relaxing. Trying to hold a conversation while gaming is not relaxing and many struggle with it.

I get very annoyed with someone talking at me when I’m trying to do a solitary task and I’m a SAHP.

Why not divide up evenings, designating a few hours in the evening for both of you to do solitary activities or designate evenings by day?

So when do they all spend time together?

I think that this is one where you’re both right and wrong.

You’re not unreasonable to want him to carve some family time and make some time for you. You don’t say that your ideal is a rigid whole day of family time but if it is, then you’re unreasonable. I think it’s perfectly reasonable if he went to the gym for a couple of hours on both days off. It sounds like you expect more couple time than is typical for a couple with twins. Yanbu to be annoyed at his attitude after the brunch where what he said sounds like brunch with you was something to tick off his chore list.

He isn’t unreasonable to want to do some solo stuff like going to the gym and he’s very reasonable to push you to do some solo things too. While you’re right to want to spend time as a couple and family, not devoting some time to yourself solo is also a potential problem.

It sounds like you both need to compromise so you both get some of your needs met.

"The evenings has also been an arguing point, as again after a long day of work and then helping put the babies to bed by the time it’s all done it’s around 8-8:30pm, and ideally he would like to play his video games to relax and I would ideally us chill together and watch tv/ videos. "

I think here you're veering into controlling. He's worked all day, he's done his evening share of the routine, he should be able to have some down time doing what he wants. Spending time watching TV or a video would become yet another chore and you really don't want him to think of spending time with you or his life as a chore. You can watch your TV or video and he can game. (Can you tell I'm not a TV watcher?)

I understand your need for quality family time together however try not to think that it has to be a whole day.

He only has two days off a week so if you’re demanding one whole day that only leaves him with one to see friends, family, do solo activities etc.

Try and spread the quality time out through the week.

One day have a date night when the kids are asleep. If you don’t want to get a babysitter to go out just light a few candles and cook something special. Make sure you use the time to real ask each other how you are and bond.

On a Saturday morning go out for a family park trip and a coffee date.

Sunday afternoon do another activity and do bath time/bed time together with the kids.

You can spend time together and bond as a family constantly without having to block out a whole day.

I can see why it comes off as clingy and demanding but spreading it all out makes life easier all round.

Sounds like neither of you are unreasonable but you need to plan better. Can you try planning weekends on Tuesday or Wednesday so neither has it planned in their head and it isn’t Monday resentments?

Maybe you alternate a full weekend day off. Maybe you each get 3h or so on the weekend (this is what we did until recently and I usually just showered and napped on mine or slept in). You both must be so burnt out that communicating your needs isn’t working and he’s getting his adult social time at the weekend- gave up weeknights but doesn’t think of your life so you need to spell it out when he’s on listening mode (and he needs to turn on listening mode ASAP)

Op is not asking for all his time off work

It sounds like you rely on him for your daily dose of adult interaction. I get it's hard to get out with twins, you're not working, and you probably feel a bit isolated. First, you are making an effort to see other family and friends so that's great.

For whatever reason, he's not feeling the spending one entire day a week with you. I see his point too. He works 5 days a week and he is getting that social interaction that you're missing. But he only has 2 days a week off and you want a full one. So he has to squeeze everything he would like to do on his own into one day. He might be like me and just get restless spending the whole day cooped up with you and twins.

For me, I would feel you were being too clingy and feel a bit trapped if I was expected to stay glued to your side for an entire day.

Are you spending time together in the evenings?

I think there could be compromise. I do see you as making an effort to socialize and he could meet that effort by doing something with you on a weekend like a date or outdoor activity.

I agree with this and had a relationship like this in the past.

Thankfully me and DH are both very similar in that we are homebodies and at our happiest and content just relaxing and spending time together. Don't get me wrong, we both have our own social circles and hobbies but we are each others best friend and - whilst it might be clingy to some - prefer spending our time together when we can.

I have friends though who have completely separate social lives to their husbands and that works for them.

I think crucially you both need to be on the same page for it to work. If you want to spend your free time together and he wants to spend it with friends then you need a discussion as to how you can make it work for both of you.

I’m on the opposite side. My DH took early retirement and I still work full time. He sees friends and family when I’m at work and does all the things he wants but then expects us to spend all my time off work together. It drives me nuts to be honest as I then want to see my friends and family/exercise etc.