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Original poster

MIL not coming to see us

87 replies

Banannanana · 30/04/2025 21:31

We invited my MIL (who is single) to come down and see us in January 2024. We love 5 hours away. It was arranged for March 2024. Her dad, partners grandad then died in the February so the March visit was cancelled. Ok, can’t be helped, we saw her when he passed, family all there. Visit was rearranged for August 2024. My partner then lost his dad (his parents weren’t together) last summer(July 2024). His mum was going to come down just after it happened (August 2024). She then had an operation that summer so didn’t rearrange the visit, just cancelled it. The operation coincided with my partners dad’s death. We went up to see her after the funeral, just after her operation. She spent the week talking about how much pain she was in after surgery, barely mentioned my partner. He says he asked her not to talk about his dad so this was fine.

However, after cancelling on us and not rearranging for the visit to take place before or after her surgery, she still managed to use her weekends to find and have a relationship with a new partner (since split.)

A visit was then arranged for August 2025. She has since used her time off to visit her mother (1 week, understandable I guess) and spend two weeks off for her birthday. None of this time off she had was arranged to spend time with us for.

She has just cancelled the August 2025 visit claiming she has an operation mid May (which means rather than seeing how she feels in late August when the visit is arranged for, she must cancel for then already).

She claims she knew this operation was taking place sometime but didn’t have a date. My question to her was knowing you had to cancel March and August 2024, and knowing you may have to cancel again for another operation, why would you not use your time off to ensure you could come and see us? Her reply was because she wanted two weeks off for her birthday instead. (She didn’t do anything special for it by her own admission, in fact she says she spent the two weeks in the garden).

AIBU to be pissed that despite the constant cancelling, her priority for her time off was to sit in the garden rather than ensure she could come and see her son (who by all accounts has had a shit year.) I know operations can’t be helped, what I’m pissed about us despite knowing she let us down and may do so again, her priority was to use her time off for herself instead of arranging to come to us then. I’m very hurt by this as I feel she’s prioritising time for herself (getting a bf, spending two weeks sitting at home for her birthday) over seeing us when we’ve been asking since Jan ‘24.

OP posts:
Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 23:41

BlondiePortz · 30/04/2025 23:37

Op maybe I am reading it wrong but you sound obessed, it is not your mother so just leave them to it

it is not about you nor what you have decided should happen

That’s a fair point. As said above, I do struggle with rejection sensitivity and miss how close me and her were. So I fully accept I am taking this way harder than most would, and it maybe seems obsessive to some. ADHD/BPD be like that lol, it’s the hyper focus.

I think just moving on and leaving her alone is the best advice though, so I accept that and don’t disagree with you.

OP posts:
financialmuddle · 30/04/2025 23:41

I agree it doesn't seem like she wants to visit, although you may never know why.

You seem to have good self-insight, for example realising that it's also a loss to you, which you have been framing as just being upset for your DP.

If you drop the subject, she may eventually visit? But at least you won't be arguing about it, and analysing her reasons each time she cancels.

CKN · 30/04/2025 23:41

Take a step back and stop getting involved. I think you’re making a drama out of the whole situation. Leave it up to your partner to sort out any issues with his mother - maybe she just doesn’t want to visit.

Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 23:39

Lovelyview · 30/04/2025 23:13

I agree there might be practical issues. We've stopped staying with family when we visit because they have a terrible sofabed and the curtains don't block out the light.You can't tell someone they have to get a new bed or you won't visit so now we do visit but stay in a hotel. Still haven't mentioned the awful bed.

Show quote history

I mean since she doesn’t even own curtains so we have to sleep in the light or take an eyemask to hers, my partners allergic to her cat and she once had FLEAS in the house that bit us, but we still go I think it’s a bit hypocritical if she has issues with our house.

I digress though, that’s not really the point of my post. Guess that explains why I think she should put herself through discomfort to see us when we put ourselves through it to see her lol.

And before people say stop going to hers, my partner gets VERY upset the times I’ve refused to go to hers. (More upset than he gets when she won’t come here 😬)

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 30/04/2025 23:37

Op maybe I am reading it wrong but you sound obessed, it is not your mother so just leave them to it

it is not about you nor what you have decided should happen

Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 23:33

Skirtless · 30/04/2025 23:27

I don’t see why you’re ’taking it’ any way at all. If your partner is heartbroken by her failure to visit, surely it’s up to him to address it?You sound critical of her, and as though you’re keeping some kind of running total of visits paid and missed and how she spends her AL. Assuming you’re not personally sad at her not coming, why not just let your partner deal with it?

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Sorry, perhaps it’s been missed I am personally very sad, me and her used to be so close and because she’s not coming to see us I feel we’re losing our closeness.

I try to dress it up as hurt for my partner only, but I guess I am sad about the loss of the close relationship between me and her too.

I have ADHD and suspected BPD too, am prone to rejection sensitivity. That’s why I asked if I’m being unreasonable, because sometimes I see rejection where it’s not there. Seems like other people also think she doesn’t want to see us for whatever reason too though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 23:30

I will accept me getting involved is probably making it harder on my partner. Hadn’t thought of it like that because I’m only trying to stick up for him. Will try to just keep out of it from now on and let him deal, as hard it is it.

Its just tough because I feel like he doesn’t want to upset her by saying something. I feel protective of him. But I guess for his sake I need to not say anything. Will fully take that on board and try to keep my opinions to myself more.

Are we in general agreement that whilst how I handle it isn’t the best way, I’m not going nuts thinking maybe she just doesn’t want to see us for whatever reason?

OP posts:
Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 23:27

CaramelGhost · 30/04/2025 23:11

I think you're being really harsh. She's lost a parent. Lost a loved one, regardless of if your partners parents were together or not, at one point they had a relationship outside of your partner. Two losses. Then an operation and another one planned? And she's taken some time to see her mother and take some time alone? I think that is very reasonable and I feel very sad for her actually. She's only human.

So is my partner. He needs support too.

her only response to his dad dying was joking about him being in hell. So I wouldn’t class that as a loss to her. Or something a supportive person would say.

OP posts:
Skirtless · 30/04/2025 23:27

Banannanana · 30/04/2025 21:52

That’s fair, I just wish she wouldn’t agree to it and then cancel lol. If she just said no I think I’d take it better.

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I don’t see why you’re ’taking it’ any way at all. If your partner is heartbroken by her failure to visit, surely it’s up to him to address it?You sound critical of her, and as though you’re keeping some kind of running total of visits paid and missed and how she spends her AL. Assuming you’re not personally sad at her not coming, why not just let your partner deal with it?

Lovelyview · 30/04/2025 23:13

Ponderingwindow · 30/04/2025 22:27

Are there practical issues here? Do you have a guest room? What is the bathroom situation? Stairs?

can she afford a hotel?

I agree there might be practical issues. We've stopped staying with family when we visit because they have a terrible sofabed and the curtains don't block out the light.You can't tell someone they have to get a new bed or you won't visit so now we do visit but stay in a hotel. Still haven't mentioned the awful bed.

financialmuddle · 30/04/2025 23:11

I'd imagine his way of coping with her not seeming to be bothered is to not address it head on and 'pick the scab' as that leads to it being even more obvious and so more hurtful. It's less hurtful to just leave it be.

As for how you learn to accept it: it sounds like you're in the process of doing that already when you say "I CAN’T make her come, can I? And that’s what I’ve been trying to do by talking to her about it, causing arguments, and it’s changed NOTHING."

Yep. So just concentrate on your own relationship with your DP and drop any expectations of his mother.

CaramelGhost · 30/04/2025 23:11

I think you're being really harsh. She's lost a parent. Lost a loved one, regardless of if your partners parents were together or not, at one point they had a relationship outside of your partner. Two losses. Then an operation and another one planned? And she's taken some time to see her mother and take some time alone? I think that is very reasonable and I feel very sad for her actually. She's only human.

Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 23:03

maddening · 30/04/2025 23:00

She has been going through a lot - it seems correct that you might do more of the leg work during that time - surely that is the thing with family - swings and roundabouts imo

Fair enough, I think I’d like it more if she at least seemed disappointed she couldn’t come to us. She doesn’t even seem bothered about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 23:02

financialmuddle · 30/04/2025 22:56

Fair play to you for accepting my (hopefully constructive) criticism of how you've been handling this.

Has his mum ever been interested and caring towards him?

I don’t think I could post on here and not be willing to accept peoples responses lol, I hate people who just post for validation and not advice. Thanks for making it constructive and not a pile on, it’s appreciated.

in terms of your question? He’d probably say yes she has. I’ll just say this isn’t my first issue with her.

OP posts:
maddening · 30/04/2025 23:00

She has been going through a lot - it seems correct that you might do more of the leg work during that time - surely that is the thing with family - swings and roundabouts imo

cherish123 · 30/04/2025 22:57

Is your boyfriend/girlfriend bothered? Could they go and visit their mum? Maybe she just wants to see her child alone.

financialmuddle · 30/04/2025 22:56

Fair play to you for accepting my (hopefully constructive) criticism of how you've been handling this.

Has his mum ever been interested and caring towards him?

Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 22:54

financialmuddle · 30/04/2025 22:54

I get that you feel protective of him, but you can't make her want to visit, and it actually sounds like you've made the situation more charged and stressful by your involvement.

This is fair. Nail on head. I CAN’T make her come, can I? And that’s what I’ve been trying to do by talking to her about it, causing arguments, and it’s changed NOTHING.

any tips anyone on how to move on and accept she just doesn’t want to?

OP posts:
financialmuddle · 30/04/2025 22:54

I get that you feel protective of him, but you can't make her want to visit, and it actually sounds like you've made the situation more charged and stressful by your involvement.

Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 22:46

Throwawayagain1234 · 30/04/2025 22:30

You are right there, if she just said 'guys I am done in and feel like all I've done is give and give and for a little bit I'd like to just look after myself' it might help you understand (even if you would prefer her time and company. I will remember this for my own children! I know I'd rather spend my time with my children not my mum and dad but they are at an age where they need me a lot more.

Yep, literally would rather know she doesn’t want to come for whatever reason than be questioning if it’s us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 22:46

financialmuddle · 30/04/2025 22:40

I think my partner should stop being passive and leaving it up to me and deal with it himself too tbf, he won’t tell her though. So it’s me who ends up in an inevitable row with her.

This is a really odd statement from you.

You don't have to "deal" with anything on his behalf. Just leave it to him. There is nothing "inevitable" about the row - unless you insist on involving yourself.

What do you think he should “tell her”? That she’s being unreasonable by not visiting you? What will that achieve?

If your partner is being passive about it, that's his choice. Your more direct approach hasn't achieved anything except rows, has it?

Of course your partner doesn't want to admit that his mother isn't bothered to see him - that's hurtful for him.

Why are you so determined to put yourself in the middle of this? Just leave it.

Edited

This is fair. I guess it’s because I feel an urge to stick up for him when I feel he’s being treated unfairly. I find it hard not to stick up for him. I think it’s decent advice to just leave him deal with it though, not saying you’re wrong there.

OP posts:
financialmuddle · 30/04/2025 22:40

I think my partner should stop being passive and leaving it up to me and deal with it himself too tbf, he won’t tell her though. So it’s me who ends up in an inevitable row with her.

This is a really odd statement from you.

You don't have to "deal" with anything on his behalf. Just leave it to him. There is nothing "inevitable" about the row - unless you insist on involving yourself.

What do you think he should “tell her”? That she’s being unreasonable by not visiting you? What will that achieve?

If your partner is being passive about it, that's his choice. Your more direct approach hasn't achieved anything except rows, has it?

Of course your partner doesn't want to admit that his mother isn't bothered to see him - that's hurtful for him.

Why are you so determined to put yourself in the middle of this? Just leave it.

Throwawayagain1234 · 30/04/2025 22:30

You are right there, if she just said 'guys I am done in and feel like all I've done is give and give and for a little bit I'd like to just look after myself' it might help you understand (even if you would prefer her time and company. I will remember this for my own children! I know I'd rather spend my time with my children not my mum and dad but they are at an age where they need me a lot more.

Ponderingwindow · 30/04/2025 22:27

Are there practical issues here? Do you have a guest room? What is the bathroom situation? Stairs?

can she afford a hotel?

Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 22:24

Throwawayagain1234 · 30/04/2025 22:23

I'm her age, I have three adult children (feels like I've been parenting for a million years by now) and I look after my aging parents as well as having a job. When I get time off my biggest luxury is just hanging out in my own home and finding time to breathe. Your Mil has been a parent for over 30 years is obviously being a good daughter and probably been slapped about by the menopause. It might seem hurtful to you guys but she's probably just taking 5 minutes to prioritise her mental health and well being after a lifetime of putting everyone else first. I know exactly how she feels! It doesn't mean she loves her son any less, I bet she's just knackered.

Yes maybe she is knackered. Some honesty from her about that would be nice I guess.

I guess it’s that I feel like she’s not too knackered to spend time with others but is too knackered for us?

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