MIL not coming to see us

Honestly why row? It doesn’t seem worth it to me. Probably makes her less likely to want to see you guys.

You are supporting him, no? Who does she have? Sounds like she is also caring for her own elderly parent. I don't blame her for taking some time. Even if she is in a new relationship, I doubt they were in a position to support her through any of this as they'll just be getting to know eachother

I think you should take a step back. Focus on your partner, support them. That includes supporting his relationship with his mother, however that looks at the moment, and not getting overly involved and judging her.

Can you send some nice care packages ? And messages
I sent my mil those cards that have long messages inside about how much you love them and going through tough times

some lavender cream and other caring type things to keep the love vibes going

I have a best friend that withdrawals massively when she is going though a hard time, I’ve learnt it’s not personal it’s just her coping mechanism

time to back off. And leave it up to him to keep contact , also find out maybe via another person if there are any issues with your hosting it could be something as silly as the mattress is to hard , my mil brings her own cotton sheets as hers weren’t to her liking ! Bonkers, but I’d never have thought that was an issue

I don't understand this attitude. She chose to have a baby at 18. She didn't do him a favour by having him and raising him like he's some sort of burden she can't wait to be freed from. If she isn't interested in occasionally visiting her adult child and grandchildren, then fair enough I suppose. Hopefully she won't expect visits or help when she's old and understands her son has his own life and is taking the time back for himself. You reap what you sow.

I agree with a pp that she's just not that in to you. Drop the rope. Don't visit her, don't arrange anything or mention visiting. Give her the same energy she gives you. If she mentions you coming to visit just insist she can visit you when she's free.

It reminds me of when my partner who has health and chronic pain issues would sometimes visit relatives. It was before he could drive so would involve a couple of hours on various public transport. He would end up in bed for days afterwards because it took too much out of him. God forbid anyone else take the 1 hour drive to visit us. They liked to bitch about him not making the effort with nieces/nephews but it didn't occur to them that effort is a 2 way street. When our son was born his sister didn't meet him for 18 months. There was always an excuse why she didn't visit.

So she had your partner at, what, 18/19? Spent her late teens and 20s raising him when many of us would be enjoying a fairly footloose and fancy free life? Maybe she wants that time back to herself now? Good for her! On top of that had a tough couple of years. Lay off her, sounds like you’re looking for reasons to be cross with her. You live 5 hrs apart and see each other a few times a year, seems quite normal.

Gosh I never see my MIL and she lives 20 mins up the road! She's bothered with my 2 year old daughter twice since February. I wish I cared about seeing her like you do OP. I'm happy keeping her at arms length mind 😌 better for my sanity!

I wouldn't let it get to you OP. Just leave her to it. Be there for your husband like you have been. If she can't be bothered then you literally cannot force her x x

It wasn’t. She lived in another country at the start of our relationship and was going through a divorce. She phoned a lot but of course there were far more valid reasons why she couldn’t visit. We didn’t have Dc until 6 years in and when we told her she appeared the most excited of all parents. When she moved back to this country was when the cracks started to appear.

@CurlySueAndBillToo I'm genuinely puzzled by this. It must have been obvious from the start that your ex-mil wasn't the maternal sort so why labour it?

Why pursue a relationship that wasn"'t wanted? In those circumstances, why didn't you just shrug and get on with having a nice life without her?

My now XMIL was the same. Like you it used to frustrate me like mad. I once did the round trip to get her to stay for a few days. That was the one and only time she did. To make it worse she has my DS as her grandson. So she’s only visited him once in his entire life and only lives 2 hours away. We kept going there, paying for hotels, Christmas and birthdays, my own mother’s days given up. We couldn’t have done more but were never met with from her. Even when we were there her enthusiasm was shoddy, even though she’d asked us. Very much a mother and grandmother that wants the photo and that’s it. Although on family days out she’d make far more effort and conversation with her other son and his children.
Whilst it didn’t cause my divorce it certainly was a contributing factor. I look back and think she’s an incredibly selfish and non maternal woman. I’ve spoken with my therapist a few times briefly about her, as I say she was a contributing factor, and the frustration was for me that I am a mother and I can’t imagine that in just a few years I would behave like her to my son or his family.
Your frustration and hurt OP, shows that you’re not the same and you simply cannot understand how a mother could not be there it seems in anyway to support her son, and your feelings are to protect him. However as so many have said, it isn’t worth getting involved, deep down your husband probably knows his relationship with his mum and being reminded of it, with the best intentions, will only hurt him more.
XDH knew he his brother was favourite, from a child, he’d lived with it for years before i came a long. What he didn’t need was me pointing it out. When I saw the effect it was having on my own child is when the battle in my head was over, and that was the only control that I had was to walk away and say me and my ds aren’t going to be treated like this.
Good luck OP 💖

It might be she knows you are going to be cross regardless of her genuine excuse so she doesn’t think a big conversation about not coming is helpful. I also suspect your combative approach towards her might be a factor in her finding it easier to stay away. Frankly I’d be annoyed if my son kept sending his wife into battle over when I visit him! I can see it getting in the way of them having a close relationship.

You sound a bit obsessed. It’s not your mother. Maybe this is why she doesn’t feel comfortable coming? I wouldn’t like to stay with someone who was this obsessive with me. Would be to intense!

I also wonder if you guys moved away or did she?

Ok this makes a lot of sense. My first thought when reading your post was: why are you so bothered? She’s not your mum. Not your problem. Your DH is happy to leave it alone and you’re being really pushy?

Do you realise that your actions could actually be making her more likely to stay away? If my son’s partner was making demands of me and my time I would be more likely to stay away.

Yes you can be hurt if she doesn’t seem to care. But you’re way too invested. Whatever the reason is you need to try and deal with it somehow before you break the relationship entirely.

Maybe you make her uncomfortable without realising it - by trying too hard to please her or scheduling too many activities, I don’t know.
Maybe you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and she just doesn’t like you - it happens.
Maybe you’ve done nothing wrong and she loves you - you could always ask her, in a nice way, of course.
One thing’s for certain - it would go a long way towards your own peace of mind if you stopped caring so much whether or not she came to visit.
Sending love.

I’m in my 50s and not in great health. I can not emphasize how important getting a good nights sleep has become. There is no chance I will agree to any travel that involves roughing it or putting up with even a slightly uncomfortable sleeping situation. I wasn’t in great health at 30 either as it’s a chronic condition that I can’t do anything about, but I could still handle one bad night at 30. One night on a sofa or without curtains back then and I would probably be a bit grouchy. Today, I literally might not be able to get up and walk around the next day.

if your mil is having multiple surgeries, are you sure you are just asking her to put up with a bit of discomfort?

Do you think that perhaps she finds you a bit intense when she stays with you and struggles with that when in your home?
Perhaps she arranges then cancels as she doesn't know how to raise this with you without hurting you .

I did read it. That's why I think you're being unreasonable. I'm sorry that you are hurt by it but I think if you try and think of everything she's had to deal with in the past year and give her some grace rather than fighting with her, it would be better for everyone.

Great post!!!

You can’t force someone to want to do something.

I hate staying in other peoples houses so I get it, but I’d refuse in the first place rather than make arrangements. In the nicest way, you sound quite overbearing which might factor into the lack of visits. If your DP is that upset about the cancellations then it’s up to him to discuss that with his mother, and if he’s not arsed then you need to unclench about it.

How did she end up 5 hours away? Did she move or your DP?

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. Sounds like she's had a very hard year. I think a lot of people in her circumstances would need a bit of time to themselves, even if just to sit in the garden. She has seen you a couple of times but it sounds like at this time it's easier for you to be the ones doing the travel, if she needs to prioritize travel to see her elderly mother then yes she might find it a bit much to also travel to her adult son when she is also recovering from surgery. I think you getting involved and making a big drama over it is more upsetting to your partner than just leaving it.

I don't think I've ever seen anyone on here go from a pretty entrenched position (as in your first post - I see the hyperfocus now that you've explained!) to accepting posters' perspectives, and doing a 180 quite so readily. Flexibility is an asset.