To think childcare should be (somewhat) shared even on mat leave?

At that stage after my csection I was doing most of the care for baby. I let the house standards slide a bit though until we got into a better routine. DH would have baby for an hour each evening so I could have a bath and we were both awake for night feeds as I was exclusively expressing.

DH took 6 weeks off as shared parental leave at the start which was immeasurably helpful after my Csection. We’ll be doing the same next time round as I’m pregnant again. By the time he went back to work I was much more sure of what I was doing. I highly recommend anyone do it if they can.

I also think you are being unrealistic.

During evenings you should split the load, whether thats babyz cooking, cleaning etc.

If he's able to stay up later so you can go to sleep earlier great. Are you BF?
Not sure why you are up all night. Is baby awake all night?
If you have to be up all night can DP can up with baby and leave you to lie in a bit before they start work?

It's hard at first. It will get easier. Focus on sleeping when you can and getting baby into a routine.

When I have been on maternity leave, I did everything for the child. DH's job was to work and bring home the bacon! I always made sure he got as full a sleep as possible, until it was his choice to wake up and change nappies.

As time progressed, he became the main storyteller, and taking them out on walks.

It can't be fully equal.

He shouldn’t be doing anything in the working day. He should be helping out in the evenings, but not during the night ( when he has to work the next day) but I really think you’re being very unrealistic in your expectations

Do you have anywhere you can go?

I'd walk out and leave him with the baby for a few hours next time he promises to have them.

Whether he's messaging someone whilst he's in there for an hour

I'd be really suspicious if my partner had frequent hour long baths

It’s fine if he wins. The problem is he’s fine with you losing.

Dh used to get baby/kids launched at him as soon as he walked through the door. Most nights I'd be in bed at 7pm so I could do the nights. Dh would stay up until 11ish on baby duty

We took turns at weekend to lie in

Both your posts on this have been unhelpful and unsympathetic to OP. Possibly offering either sympathy or suggestions rather than telling other posters off? I don’t know, just a thought.

I think I could've wrote this a few months ago! I very much felt like this at the beginning, we argued ALOT about it. I think you need to put something in place that you both agree on who does what/when. I'm now 8mo PP and feel a bit differently, things are easier now and I've learnt to juggle everything. So I do all the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc, and partner works. I do get frustrated that he never offers me a lie in or time to myself, but he will if I ask. Also if I'm having an off day, cooking and cleaning gets left and he'll help pick up the slack when he comes in

You should both get equal rest time. Work is essential, house chores are essential, commuting is essential. He has time to have an hours bath, you have time to have an hours bath. He has time to go to the gym, you have time to yourself to relax. Him looking after the baby while you cook etc isn't counted as you're work working. Chores which are optional / done for fun (eg if you live with a DIY or gardening enthusiast) don't count as then that person disappears and claims they've been working.

When you have a baby it's not fair for one person to just decide if they're going to do something else in the time that they're not at work as when one parent isn't there, the other parents workload doubles.id never expect someone at work to just take on my workload without prior agreement and I don't expect it at home either. By accepting this, it's confining that the baby is your responsibility and he is the optional 'helper' and you're the default parent before you know it

The 'who is responsible for household chores' depends on what your baby is like. Clearly you can't at the moment as you're recovering from an operation. Someone who has a baby who sleeps reliably for three hours a day is going to be able to keep on top of most chores. Someone who has a velcro baby who breastfeed and only naps on them is barely going to be able to eat and shower let alone do anything in the house

This is why I'm not sure rotas work. Partnerships are about give and take, recognising your partner is struggling and picking up the slack as you jniw they'll do the same for you. Also your baby will change and grow, have regressions, change their habits etc. Are you going to stick rigidly to the rota when your baby is sick or up all night teething etc. There needs to be flex on both sides.

You don't palm a 3 week old baby off on a night nanny!

I think in the first few weeks, as long as that takes for the individual, you should be able to focus on your recovery and getting your strength back, which means lots of rest, sleep and gentle excercise, and your partner picking up lots of slack. If women were just allowed that if they felt the need, I honestly think the weeks after would be so much easier, and then you could do the lions share for your remaining maternity leave.

if he can’t clean up after you I couldn’t do overnight childcare for him, wake him after being awake at night for two hours op from now on. He is being astonishing selfish. If he gets a bath in his work day, so do you. And if he’s in the living spaces, assume he’s available. Put baby in bouncer next to him and say since you’re taking a break, I could really do with a nap. Let me have 30 minutes please .

I looked after the baby during working hours (though DH would pop down in between meetings to say hi and would gladly step in to help if I needed a minute to myself where he could). Everything outside of working hours was 50/50. I also had c sections and was breastfeeding so DH did most of the housework in the early days.

I did the first half of the nights pumping and cluster feeding then we'd swap in the early hours so I got some uninterrupted sleep too.

Don't put up with him not pulling his weight, you both made the baby and you deserve equal down time.

Yeah...

This isn't a man. It's a big, entitled piss taker, and I'd actually argue that what you've described goes further.

The criticism of you, the selfishness, the seething resentment, the F* You gesture of leaving your mug unwashed - this is emotional and psychological abuse. You are in a very vilnerable position here (he believes you just have to suck up whatever shite he chooses to fling in your direction because you are stuck with the baby) and he is taking advantage of his position of relative power to treat you with contempt.

Disregard any suggestions to the effect that this is nothing more than a poor diddums having difficulty finding his feet as a new father. Abuse and contemptuous behaviour toward a partner frequently starts in pregnancy or in the post partum period. You need to take this seriously.

Can you and the baby go to your parents' home?

You need to talk to your HV as a matter of urgency.

Yes, I'd be raging too.

He is feeling mighty resentful of your 'time off' isn't he, and put upon to have to lower himself to help you, and thinks he a poor unappreciated hero because he's off at the coal face all day.

Can you remove yourself and the baby to your parents' home for the next month?

Someone needs to read this pathetic waste of space the riot act.

He's not really showing up for you at all.

Here's why 50/50 when not working is necessary:
It's his own precious little baby and he should be champing at the bit to have the chance to take care of him or her as much as possible whenever he can.

You are recovering from major abdominal surgery and will need all the rest you can get to physically recover, for months, not weeks. The alternative, the long term effects of not getting time to recover, is adult nappies for you from age 50. Insist on his full support.

You need time to inhabit your own mind and not be constantly at the beck and call of the baby 24/7. That is not how human beings were designed and it is not how they function well. If he wants you to be available for him emotionally and not wiped out mentally after weeks and weeks of never getting to finish your own thoughts then he needs to step up.

You will be returning to work when maternity leave is over and he and the baby need to be fully up to speed with each other when that happens because at that point he will be doing 50/50 parenting of his own child.

Though quite honestly, any man who comes across as resenting hands on parenting or who feels he is the great I am and deserves time off just because he earns paycheque, and thinks a woman recovering from major abdominal surgery should shoulder the parenting 24/7 indefinitely is a total jackass, and the entire relationship would be open to a fundamental rethink.

He needs a massive kick up the rear end. Would your mother or father be willing to take him aside and tell him he's a prize pillock?

I was responsible when husband was at work. Then when he came home we just split it. If one of us was really tired then we’d tag the other one in. Or if one was going out etc. I don’t think it’s fair to ask him to have the baby while he’s working and you are not. In my opinion.