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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset at my neighbour using my garden area?

186 replies

AutiAngst · 30/04/2025 19:46

Firstly, this is a throwaway account.

Secondly, I'm sorry for the loooong post. I can't seem to be consise...

I can answer this before I even post it: yes, I'm probably being unreasonable! And yes, it's definitely a first world problem that isn't even a problem. But it's bugging me big time. Let me elaborate. First off, I'm autistic, so I know that I do tend to see things in black and white, right and wrong, fair and unfair. I have trouble with nuance. I know this. For the most part I try and not make a big deal out of anything that upsets me. This makes me a bit of a walkover. (some of this is due to not being verbally articulate. My mind goes blank the moment I'm confronted with anything even remotely upsetting and I can't speak. It's a form of mutism). So I try to be quiet, calm and non-confrontational to those around me. I also have anxiety as well as quite severe depressive episodes that can be triggered by seemingly innocuous events. This is another reason I keep myself to myself. I live with my dog in a ground floor flat, just the two of us, in a nice quiet village and it's mostly heaven. There are 3 other flats in my small block. I've been here the longest (16 years), whilst the other three have moved in over the past 5 or 6 years. When I moved in, one of the plus points of the flat was that it had its own garden. Originally the garden was a communal one, but waaaay before I moved in, the previous tenants had got together and had asked for, and been granted, permission to portion off the garden into 4 individual gardens and to take responsibility for them themselves. Each garden has a small fence between. The guy that was living in my flat at the time laid himself a small patio area under the kitchen window. There's also a small patio area in front of plots 1 & 2, though that's not paved, it was just pebbles until it became overgrown. Until the change of tenants the gardens were well kept. I had a gardener (I have a chronic health condition which often makes manual labour extremely painful), but the other three were younger and fitter and did their gardens themselves. Then the other three flats changed occupants one by one. Then I lost my gardener a couple of years back, and couldn't find a new one. The new tenants have never bothered with the gardens and all three are extremely overgrown and wild. I'm not bothered by that and I had managed, with careful planning, to keep my own garden fairly tidy on my own. Until last year when I went into a bad flare and couldn't do anything at all. Since last July/August time, I haven't been able to do anything in the garden and it was almost, though not quite, as wild as the other three. However, I've been feeling a little better, especially with the warmer weather arriving, which always helps with the pain, and so I ventured out last week to try and tackle my jungle. I managed to clear most, but not quite all, of the patio area in one session. Yesterday, when I drew the kitchen curtains in the morning, I found that the guy who lives in one of the upstairs flats, (and whose garden area is at the complete opposite end of the plot), had put his dryer out, laden with clothes, centre of my patio, right in front of my window! As I was planning to try and finish clearing the patio area yesterday, I wasn't impressed for two reasons; 1 - the dryer was right next to where I was going to work and so it was in the way and 2 - it's not his patio! I don't want to see his smalls in such close proximity, thank you very much! So when I went out I had to struggle to move the dryer. It was heavy, cumbersome and unwieldly. I'm heading towards 70, so I'm not the strongest person anymore, even without the added health problems. I managed to move it though (couldn't ask him, he was out) and I did some more clearing on the patio area. Today, I opened the kitchen curtains and the dryer is back. Again, slap bang in the middle of my patio, right in front of my kitchen window. I had considered trying to do more in the garden because surprisingly, yesterday didn't wreck me as much a usual, but the thought of trying to move the dryer again put me right off. And I'm just really upset at the sheer cheek of it. He's young and fit. It would take him a day, maybe less, to clear his own garden, and yet he waits until his elderly neighbour struggles to do her garden, and then he just swoops in and plonks his stuff down. He did something similar a couple of years back, just before I lost my gardener. My garden was the only one not overgrown, and with a flat lawn. I came home one Saturday to find he'd put goal nets up so he and his son (who stays for the odd weekend) could play football. In my garden. I just asked him to move it as my gardener was due in the next day or two and he did but it feels petty asking him to move his dryer. I know it's stupid but this is really upsetting me and I know it shouldn't. I understand that. It's just a dryer but I do worry that if it carries on, the next thing will be him having BBQs out there with his mates! I was going to fit my rotary dryer on the patio but now I think he'd just use that too! As I've explained, I'm pretty black and white, fairness is important to me. Respect is important to me. Had he asked me, I would probably have said yes, whilst explaining that I was hoping to do more work and suggesting a suitable place to put it. But he didn't ask, he just took advantage. I've felt physically sick since yesterday and my anxiety is through the roof. I'm even thinking I should just move, which I know is overkill, but that's where my mind is at right now. I can't cope with the uncertainty, the unfairness, the cheek, and the possible upset if I say anything. I'm just not sure what's the best thing to do....

OP posts:
ConstantlyFuriosa · 30/04/2025 20:56

He’s a massive cheeky fucker, op, and you have no need to second guess yourself. I think the note posted by @Dearg is perfect

SeenYourArse · 30/04/2025 20:56

If you don’t stand up for yourself now he will own your garden as his by summer and you will have lost it completely. I’d have thrown his clothes airer and clothes over the fence the first time I saw it in my garden personally which would have prevented any escalation of use on his part and set a very firm boundary

Lookingtomakechanges · 30/04/2025 20:56

Does he know it’s your garden? You need to explain that it is . He sounds quite insensitive.

Londonrach1 · 30/04/2025 20:55

Struggling to read what you have written.

Just talk to him..

Numberfish · 30/04/2025 20:55

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 30/04/2025 19:51

I’m sorry this is far too difficult to follow. Does he even know he has his own bit of garden elsewhere? I can’t trawl through all that just to find the obvious.

There’s always someone too lazy to read but already has an opinion. Ridiculous comment. You can’t have missed she’s autistic and stressed.

AlmostSummer25 · 30/04/2025 20:51

fgwcam · 30/04/2025 20:14

He probably thinks the whole garden is communal and if you don't tell him that it's been divided up into 4 lots then he won't know and he'll continue to use your patio area.
You will either have to go round and explain or write a note.
Otherwise he will keep doing it because he doesn't know he's not supposed to use your bit.

He has been told!! he was told when he was using her garden to play football in

AlmostSummer25 · 30/04/2025 20:48

Dearg · 30/04/2025 20:04

Drop a note through his letter box. Don’t apologise, just say ‘
Neighbour, I’ve noticed you have taken to using my garden for your airer.
Please don’t. Your garden area is x ( draw a grid if that helps)
. Please use your own area.
Thanks
Auti
He likely doesn’t realise , but put a stop to it before he has his mates round for beers in your patio.

He does realise, he was told when he was using the OP's garden with the football nets.

GoodCharl · 30/04/2025 20:48

Firstly, what id do is catch him when hes around after work/weekend and go with the assumption that he doesnt know which garden is his. Explain that ones yours and your struggling to get the garden in a fit state. If hes decent enough he will apologise and probably feel bad hes been using your garden

afig · 30/04/2025 20:47

Sounds to me like he must know the 'rules' of the separate garden areas. He's just too lazy to clear his own patch when OP has already done the work for him. I'd be tempted to leave a note on the dryer explaining that this is your section and you need it to be kept clear, but I'm sure everyone else will say you need to tell him face to face. Either way, YANBU to be annoyed, and you should certainly let him know (politely but firmly) that this is not okay with you.

If you do put out your own rotary dryer and someone had the temerity to use it without asking, I think you'd be within your rights to gather all their clothes and dump them on their doorstep. Or if you want to be polite, pin a note to the clothes telling them that it's for your sole use.

Namerequired · 30/04/2025 20:46

He may not know what area is his and think it’s communal. Take it at that point and tell him you all have individual gardens and you are working to get yours up to scratch so could he stay off it please. No need for confrontation or anything like.

AlmostSummer25 · 30/04/2025 20:45

missmollygreen · 30/04/2025 19:53

Who knows... But please for the lobe of god.... use paragraphs

Look, the OP has already said that she is struggling. She has autism and is near 70. If you can't be bothered to read a post just back out of the thread and click on another one, there is absolutely no need for comments like that

Iamnotalemming · 30/04/2025 20:44

He is being unreasonable. You are not.

AlmostSummer25 · 30/04/2025 20:43

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 30/04/2025 19:51

I’m sorry this is far too difficult to follow. Does he even know he has his own bit of garden elsewhere? I can’t trawl through all that just to find the obvious.

Rude.

it's not too difficult to follow at all. If you didn't want to take the time to follow it, why not just click off the thread and read another one?

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 30/04/2025 20:42

Bologneselove · 30/04/2025 20:29

I wondered the same thing because it sounds as though separating the gardens was an informal arrangement made with previous tenants which may no longer stand.

Even so, it's interesting how he doesn't show any desire to use any part of it until a much older neighbour in much worse physical health than him goes to the trouble of clearing part of it - then he's suddenly all over it. He's still a massive CF.

EsmeSusanOgg · 30/04/2025 20:41

TheFlis · 30/04/2025 20:01

All those saying he probably doesn’t realise it’s only the OP’s garden, he’s already been told that and asked not to use it once when he put up football nets. He’s being a CF and I bet chancing his luck that an older lady won’t want to stand up to a young bloke.

Depends. He was told the gardener was coming and the ents needed to be down. That might not have been clear. Or he may be choosing to be willfully ignorant.

DrPrunesqualer · 30/04/2025 20:41

How does he get into your garden. I’d try to secure it first thing.
Then remove anything of your neighbours and leave it next to his front door.
Post a letter telling him he does not have legal access to your garden.

Something like
Dear xxx please stop using my garden, you do not have legal access rights. It’s trespass.
Thankyou

AnonWho23 · 30/04/2025 20:40

Pop a note through his door. It's your personal space. I would have let the dog out there to urinate on his clothes. He's a piss taker.

MrDobbs · 30/04/2025 20:38

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 30/04/2025 19:51

I’m sorry this is far too difficult to follow. Does he even know he has his own bit of garden elsewhere? I can’t trawl through all that just to find the obvious.

Then don't. No need to tell everyone.

LIZS · 30/04/2025 20:37

Dearg · 30/04/2025 20:04

Drop a note through his letter box. Don’t apologise, just say ‘
Neighbour, I’ve noticed you have taken to using my garden for your airer.
Please don’t. Your garden area is x ( draw a grid if that helps)
. Please use your own area.
Thanks
Auti
He likely doesn’t realise , but put a stop to it before he has his mates round for beers in your patio.

This

Jshrbt · 30/04/2025 20:36

My main question here is does he realise that it’s not all communal? Either way put a note through his door amd if he continues I’d be taking it down each time so his washing doesn’t dry and he’ll soon stop

GeorgianaM · 30/04/2025 20:32

Hello John, please stop MY garden to dry your washing. The garden is for MY sole use and you must clear your garden and use your own, NOT mine.

ForestFox44 · 30/04/2025 20:31

Hes taking the absolute piss. Tell him immediately to stop using your garden and clear and use his own!

TammyJones · 30/04/2025 20:29

MindfulAndDemure · 30/04/2025 19:50

It's not unreasonable to not want other people to use your private garden.

I would suggest speaking to him, and letting him know that you each have your own sections of garden, and he needs to use his own section to dry his clothes. He might not be aware that there are specific sections for each flat.

This ….

Bologneselove · 30/04/2025 20:29

Hoppinggreen · 30/04/2025 20:04

If you own the flat is the garden shown on your deeds are belonging to your flat?
My concern is that if this was always a casual arrangement all residents may have the right to access all of the garden.
I am not a lawyer though

I wondered the same thing because it sounds as though separating the gardens was an informal arrangement made with previous tenants which may no longer stand.

Balloonhearts · 30/04/2025 20:26

Nick it. Hide his clothes and claim ignorance. Every time. He'll soon stop when he runs out of clothes.

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