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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset at my neighbour using my garden area?

186 replies

AutiAngst · 30/04/2025 19:46

Firstly, this is a throwaway account.

Secondly, I'm sorry for the loooong post. I can't seem to be consise...

I can answer this before I even post it: yes, I'm probably being unreasonable! And yes, it's definitely a first world problem that isn't even a problem. But it's bugging me big time. Let me elaborate. First off, I'm autistic, so I know that I do tend to see things in black and white, right and wrong, fair and unfair. I have trouble with nuance. I know this. For the most part I try and not make a big deal out of anything that upsets me. This makes me a bit of a walkover. (some of this is due to not being verbally articulate. My mind goes blank the moment I'm confronted with anything even remotely upsetting and I can't speak. It's a form of mutism). So I try to be quiet, calm and non-confrontational to those around me. I also have anxiety as well as quite severe depressive episodes that can be triggered by seemingly innocuous events. This is another reason I keep myself to myself. I live with my dog in a ground floor flat, just the two of us, in a nice quiet village and it's mostly heaven. There are 3 other flats in my small block. I've been here the longest (16 years), whilst the other three have moved in over the past 5 or 6 years. When I moved in, one of the plus points of the flat was that it had its own garden. Originally the garden was a communal one, but waaaay before I moved in, the previous tenants had got together and had asked for, and been granted, permission to portion off the garden into 4 individual gardens and to take responsibility for them themselves. Each garden has a small fence between. The guy that was living in my flat at the time laid himself a small patio area under the kitchen window. There's also a small patio area in front of plots 1 & 2, though that's not paved, it was just pebbles until it became overgrown. Until the change of tenants the gardens were well kept. I had a gardener (I have a chronic health condition which often makes manual labour extremely painful), but the other three were younger and fitter and did their gardens themselves. Then the other three flats changed occupants one by one. Then I lost my gardener a couple of years back, and couldn't find a new one. The new tenants have never bothered with the gardens and all three are extremely overgrown and wild. I'm not bothered by that and I had managed, with careful planning, to keep my own garden fairly tidy on my own. Until last year when I went into a bad flare and couldn't do anything at all. Since last July/August time, I haven't been able to do anything in the garden and it was almost, though not quite, as wild as the other three. However, I've been feeling a little better, especially with the warmer weather arriving, which always helps with the pain, and so I ventured out last week to try and tackle my jungle. I managed to clear most, but not quite all, of the patio area in one session. Yesterday, when I drew the kitchen curtains in the morning, I found that the guy who lives in one of the upstairs flats, (and whose garden area is at the complete opposite end of the plot), had put his dryer out, laden with clothes, centre of my patio, right in front of my window! As I was planning to try and finish clearing the patio area yesterday, I wasn't impressed for two reasons; 1 - the dryer was right next to where I was going to work and so it was in the way and 2 - it's not his patio! I don't want to see his smalls in such close proximity, thank you very much! So when I went out I had to struggle to move the dryer. It was heavy, cumbersome and unwieldly. I'm heading towards 70, so I'm not the strongest person anymore, even without the added health problems. I managed to move it though (couldn't ask him, he was out) and I did some more clearing on the patio area. Today, I opened the kitchen curtains and the dryer is back. Again, slap bang in the middle of my patio, right in front of my kitchen window. I had considered trying to do more in the garden because surprisingly, yesterday didn't wreck me as much a usual, but the thought of trying to move the dryer again put me right off. And I'm just really upset at the sheer cheek of it. He's young and fit. It would take him a day, maybe less, to clear his own garden, and yet he waits until his elderly neighbour struggles to do her garden, and then he just swoops in and plonks his stuff down. He did something similar a couple of years back, just before I lost my gardener. My garden was the only one not overgrown, and with a flat lawn. I came home one Saturday to find he'd put goal nets up so he and his son (who stays for the odd weekend) could play football. In my garden. I just asked him to move it as my gardener was due in the next day or two and he did but it feels petty asking him to move his dryer. I know it's stupid but this is really upsetting me and I know it shouldn't. I understand that. It's just a dryer but I do worry that if it carries on, the next thing will be him having BBQs out there with his mates! I was going to fit my rotary dryer on the patio but now I think he'd just use that too! As I've explained, I'm pretty black and white, fairness is important to me. Respect is important to me. Had he asked me, I would probably have said yes, whilst explaining that I was hoping to do more work and suggesting a suitable place to put it. But he didn't ask, he just took advantage. I've felt physically sick since yesterday and my anxiety is through the roof. I'm even thinking I should just move, which I know is overkill, but that's where my mind is at right now. I can't cope with the uncertainty, the unfairness, the cheek, and the possible upset if I say anything. I'm just not sure what's the best thing to do....

OP posts:
FairKoala · 30/04/2025 21:41

Pin a note on to his undies telling him where his garden is.

If he continues give his Washing a liberal soaking with a watering can each day. Throw soil around.

If he is going to leave his laundry in your garden whilst you are gardening what does expect to happen

ShockedandStunnedRepeatedly · 30/04/2025 21:39

Why is everyone being so horrible to OP? She needs sympathy and a handhold, living alone and has posted for advice and moral support…

NeedyNavyTiger · 30/04/2025 21:39

You’re not being unreasonable and I’m sorry this has upset you so much. Do you get on well with another of the neighbours who could maybe explain to upstairs man that each flat’s garden is only for the use of that flat?

BobbyBiscuits · 30/04/2025 21:38

It's quite hard to follow everything you've said.

From what I can see it seems like you simply need to speak to them. Not angry or confrontational, but just mention that each garden is allocated to each flat and then gesture to yours to show it's just for your use.

I'm sure they just either didn't think or didn't realise. Don't let it upset you unless they willfully continue to use your area after it's been explained.

If it gives you more comfort or privacy you could add a gate/ further fencing/ plants to separate your portion from the others.
But falling out with your neighbours over such things would make things worse.

Growlybear83 · 30/04/2025 21:38

I can’t believe you’re listing about this on Mumsnet instead of speaking to your neighbour! He may well not have any idea that this section of the garden is yours and he has his own area.

nomas · 30/04/2025 21:37

AutiAngst · 30/04/2025 21:29

Yes, I logically know this is the answer. I'm just so anti-conflict 🤦🏼‍♂️

It’s not conflict. Just tell him politely that’s your garden and he can’t put his dryer there.

If you can’t talk to him, drop him a polite note.

FairFuming · 30/04/2025 21:34

Do you have any relatives or friends who are more confident to knock and ask him to stop for you? Otherwise a note is a good way to go.

Does he definitely know it's your garden and not a shared one?

RinkyDinkDrink · 30/04/2025 21:33

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 30/04/2025 19:51

I’m sorry this is far too difficult to follow. Does he even know he has his own bit of garden elsewhere? I can’t trawl through all that just to find the obvious.

It’s not. It’s perfectly clear but I’m sure she’ll live without your feedback as everyone else can understand it.

Lookuptotheskies · 30/04/2025 21:32

OP are the flats private rented or housing association?

Is this something the landlord/estate agent/housing association could contact him about. You could ask them to reiterate to all of the flats that each flat has it's own corresponding small individual garden and that they are not communal.

He might not know.

If you don't have an agency that can make contact maybe a printed sign could be put up in a communal hallway?

Both would be non-direct ways for you to let them know and see if it improves things.

AutiAngst · 30/04/2025 21:32

mindutopia · 30/04/2025 21:07

Just bring his airer and clothes inside. He’ll stop doing it when he has to knock and ask for his pants back.

If I were brave enough, I'd do that, but....conflict 🤷🏼‍♂️ This made me smile though, so thank you!

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 30/04/2025 21:29

Op do you get on with him in general? Ask him if he's aware that each flat has it's own private garden and to please only use his own.

winnieanddaisy · 30/04/2025 21:29

As you have said you can’t face a confrontation with your neighbour , I would write him a letter explaining that it is your garden and also tell him which is his garden . He may not have realised and it might give him the idea to do something with his own plot . Good luck x

AutiAngst · 30/04/2025 21:29

AlertCat · 30/04/2025 19:56

This

Yes, I logically know this is the answer. I'm just so anti-conflict 🤦🏼‍♂️

OP posts:
AutiAngst · 30/04/2025 21:27

missmollygreen · 30/04/2025 19:53

Who knows... But please for the lobe of god.... use paragraphs

Thank you for your considered input...

OP posts:
TroysMammy · 30/04/2025 21:26

missmollygreen · 30/04/2025 19:53

Who knows... But please for the lobe of god.... use paragraphs

Is that all you can comment on?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 30/04/2025 21:14

Talk to him or write a note. Failing that, can you ask one of your other neighbours to move it to his bit of garden? I’d happily do that for an older neighbour! Plonk it right in with the weeds! He should get the message if it gets moved every time!

RawBloomers · 30/04/2025 21:12

YANBU to be miffed. It's not neighbourly of the guy at all, but he may not be aware of the individual plot arrangement and he may be willing to change his behaviour if asked.

If, when you got permission to change the garden from communal to private, your tenancy changed to reflect that, you could tell him he needs to stop using your garden and if he doesn't, to garden near his dryer and accidentally get dirt on it/knock it down/cover it with an old clean sheet to make the view better/etc. in the course of using your garden for your benefit. However, I would first check with your landlord that the new tenants are aware of the individual nature of the garden plots and which one are theirs and get him to communicate that they need to use only their own plots.

If the tenancies didn't change and it is an informal arrangement that the other tenants may not even be aware of, you aren't unreasonable to be miffed, but you would be unreasonable to just assume rights over the area. Speak with your Landlord first and ask if he will write to all tenants asking them to only use their own plots. You could also go and speak with your neighbour and ask for some cooperation - you might be able to persuade him to do some of the harder stuff to yours and his patches in return for you doing some more skilled/knowledgable plant care/planting/etc. in yours. But if he isn't accommodating, there isn't much you can do other than let it grow over again or put something more permanent in the space so it's hard for him to put his underwear on display in front of your window.

Feelingmuchbetter · 30/04/2025 21:11

I would speak to the landlord and explain your communication issues and let them warn him.

Feelingmuchbetter · 30/04/2025 21:10

Can yiou secure it with a padlock or another way?

Hotflushesandchilblains · 30/04/2025 21:09

Just ask him to stop, explain you need him not to use your garden as his things are often in the way when you want to do something, and you cant move them.

mindutopia · 30/04/2025 21:07

Just bring his airer and clothes inside. He’ll stop doing it when he has to knock and ask for his pants back.

Whyherewego · 30/04/2025 21:05

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 30/04/2025 20:01

A polite note might help you. Something like

Dear (name) you might not be aware but your garden area is at the far end and the area closest to my doors is my private garden. I would appreciate it if you would respect my privacy by using only your allocated area when you want to use the garden.

Thank you (your name)

This is a good option

Numberfish · 30/04/2025 20:59

AutiAngst · 30/04/2025 19:46

Firstly, this is a throwaway account.

Secondly, I'm sorry for the loooong post. I can't seem to be consise...

I can answer this before I even post it: yes, I'm probably being unreasonable! And yes, it's definitely a first world problem that isn't even a problem. But it's bugging me big time. Let me elaborate. First off, I'm autistic, so I know that I do tend to see things in black and white, right and wrong, fair and unfair. I have trouble with nuance. I know this. For the most part I try and not make a big deal out of anything that upsets me. This makes me a bit of a walkover. (some of this is due to not being verbally articulate. My mind goes blank the moment I'm confronted with anything even remotely upsetting and I can't speak. It's a form of mutism). So I try to be quiet, calm and non-confrontational to those around me. I also have anxiety as well as quite severe depressive episodes that can be triggered by seemingly innocuous events. This is another reason I keep myself to myself. I live with my dog in a ground floor flat, just the two of us, in a nice quiet village and it's mostly heaven. There are 3 other flats in my small block. I've been here the longest (16 years), whilst the other three have moved in over the past 5 or 6 years. When I moved in, one of the plus points of the flat was that it had its own garden. Originally the garden was a communal one, but waaaay before I moved in, the previous tenants had got together and had asked for, and been granted, permission to portion off the garden into 4 individual gardens and to take responsibility for them themselves. Each garden has a small fence between. The guy that was living in my flat at the time laid himself a small patio area under the kitchen window. There's also a small patio area in front of plots 1 & 2, though that's not paved, it was just pebbles until it became overgrown. Until the change of tenants the gardens were well kept. I had a gardener (I have a chronic health condition which often makes manual labour extremely painful), but the other three were younger and fitter and did their gardens themselves. Then the other three flats changed occupants one by one. Then I lost my gardener a couple of years back, and couldn't find a new one. The new tenants have never bothered with the gardens and all three are extremely overgrown and wild. I'm not bothered by that and I had managed, with careful planning, to keep my own garden fairly tidy on my own. Until last year when I went into a bad flare and couldn't do anything at all. Since last July/August time, I haven't been able to do anything in the garden and it was almost, though not quite, as wild as the other three. However, I've been feeling a little better, especially with the warmer weather arriving, which always helps with the pain, and so I ventured out last week to try and tackle my jungle. I managed to clear most, but not quite all, of the patio area in one session. Yesterday, when I drew the kitchen curtains in the morning, I found that the guy who lives in one of the upstairs flats, (and whose garden area is at the complete opposite end of the plot), had put his dryer out, laden with clothes, centre of my patio, right in front of my window! As I was planning to try and finish clearing the patio area yesterday, I wasn't impressed for two reasons; 1 - the dryer was right next to where I was going to work and so it was in the way and 2 - it's not his patio! I don't want to see his smalls in such close proximity, thank you very much! So when I went out I had to struggle to move the dryer. It was heavy, cumbersome and unwieldly. I'm heading towards 70, so I'm not the strongest person anymore, even without the added health problems. I managed to move it though (couldn't ask him, he was out) and I did some more clearing on the patio area. Today, I opened the kitchen curtains and the dryer is back. Again, slap bang in the middle of my patio, right in front of my kitchen window. I had considered trying to do more in the garden because surprisingly, yesterday didn't wreck me as much a usual, but the thought of trying to move the dryer again put me right off. And I'm just really upset at the sheer cheek of it. He's young and fit. It would take him a day, maybe less, to clear his own garden, and yet he waits until his elderly neighbour struggles to do her garden, and then he just swoops in and plonks his stuff down. He did something similar a couple of years back, just before I lost my gardener. My garden was the only one not overgrown, and with a flat lawn. I came home one Saturday to find he'd put goal nets up so he and his son (who stays for the odd weekend) could play football. In my garden. I just asked him to move it as my gardener was due in the next day or two and he did but it feels petty asking him to move his dryer. I know it's stupid but this is really upsetting me and I know it shouldn't. I understand that. It's just a dryer but I do worry that if it carries on, the next thing will be him having BBQs out there with his mates! I was going to fit my rotary dryer on the patio but now I think he'd just use that too! As I've explained, I'm pretty black and white, fairness is important to me. Respect is important to me. Had he asked me, I would probably have said yes, whilst explaining that I was hoping to do more work and suggesting a suitable place to put it. But he didn't ask, he just took advantage. I've felt physically sick since yesterday and my anxiety is through the roof. I'm even thinking I should just move, which I know is overkill, but that's where my mind is at right now. I can't cope with the uncertainty, the unfairness, the cheek, and the possible upset if I say anything. I'm just not sure what's the best thing to do....

I think you were very articulate and just the right amount of detail. He’s being awful. I’d bring the washing in next time and say it rained. Then you’ve got a chance to ask why it’s in your garden and say you did something similar when you moved in until you realised the spaces were privately owned. Then if he doesn’t stop you get a bigger fence.

Lookingtomakechanges · 30/04/2025 20:57

AlmostSummer25 · 30/04/2025 20:51

He has been told!! he was told when he was using her garden to play football in

He may need telling again. He may have imagined that she just thinks of it like that, not that it’s her property.

Smallmercies · 30/04/2025 20:57

AFrankExchangeofViews · 30/04/2025 19:53

Does he realise he is trespassing? He needs to be informed he is, that this is your private property and if he continues to trespass and create a nuisance on your property you will call the police and ask for their assistance.

Trespass is a civil matter, police won't care.

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