Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset at my neighbour using my garden area?

186 replies

AutiAngst · 30/04/2025 19:46

Firstly, this is a throwaway account.

Secondly, I'm sorry for the loooong post. I can't seem to be consise...

I can answer this before I even post it: yes, I'm probably being unreasonable! And yes, it's definitely a first world problem that isn't even a problem. But it's bugging me big time. Let me elaborate. First off, I'm autistic, so I know that I do tend to see things in black and white, right and wrong, fair and unfair. I have trouble with nuance. I know this. For the most part I try and not make a big deal out of anything that upsets me. This makes me a bit of a walkover. (some of this is due to not being verbally articulate. My mind goes blank the moment I'm confronted with anything even remotely upsetting and I can't speak. It's a form of mutism). So I try to be quiet, calm and non-confrontational to those around me. I also have anxiety as well as quite severe depressive episodes that can be triggered by seemingly innocuous events. This is another reason I keep myself to myself. I live with my dog in a ground floor flat, just the two of us, in a nice quiet village and it's mostly heaven. There are 3 other flats in my small block. I've been here the longest (16 years), whilst the other three have moved in over the past 5 or 6 years. When I moved in, one of the plus points of the flat was that it had its own garden. Originally the garden was a communal one, but waaaay before I moved in, the previous tenants had got together and had asked for, and been granted, permission to portion off the garden into 4 individual gardens and to take responsibility for them themselves. Each garden has a small fence between. The guy that was living in my flat at the time laid himself a small patio area under the kitchen window. There's also a small patio area in front of plots 1 & 2, though that's not paved, it was just pebbles until it became overgrown. Until the change of tenants the gardens were well kept. I had a gardener (I have a chronic health condition which often makes manual labour extremely painful), but the other three were younger and fitter and did their gardens themselves. Then the other three flats changed occupants one by one. Then I lost my gardener a couple of years back, and couldn't find a new one. The new tenants have never bothered with the gardens and all three are extremely overgrown and wild. I'm not bothered by that and I had managed, with careful planning, to keep my own garden fairly tidy on my own. Until last year when I went into a bad flare and couldn't do anything at all. Since last July/August time, I haven't been able to do anything in the garden and it was almost, though not quite, as wild as the other three. However, I've been feeling a little better, especially with the warmer weather arriving, which always helps with the pain, and so I ventured out last week to try and tackle my jungle. I managed to clear most, but not quite all, of the patio area in one session. Yesterday, when I drew the kitchen curtains in the morning, I found that the guy who lives in one of the upstairs flats, (and whose garden area is at the complete opposite end of the plot), had put his dryer out, laden with clothes, centre of my patio, right in front of my window! As I was planning to try and finish clearing the patio area yesterday, I wasn't impressed for two reasons; 1 - the dryer was right next to where I was going to work and so it was in the way and 2 - it's not his patio! I don't want to see his smalls in such close proximity, thank you very much! So when I went out I had to struggle to move the dryer. It was heavy, cumbersome and unwieldly. I'm heading towards 70, so I'm not the strongest person anymore, even without the added health problems. I managed to move it though (couldn't ask him, he was out) and I did some more clearing on the patio area. Today, I opened the kitchen curtains and the dryer is back. Again, slap bang in the middle of my patio, right in front of my kitchen window. I had considered trying to do more in the garden because surprisingly, yesterday didn't wreck me as much a usual, but the thought of trying to move the dryer again put me right off. And I'm just really upset at the sheer cheek of it. He's young and fit. It would take him a day, maybe less, to clear his own garden, and yet he waits until his elderly neighbour struggles to do her garden, and then he just swoops in and plonks his stuff down. He did something similar a couple of years back, just before I lost my gardener. My garden was the only one not overgrown, and with a flat lawn. I came home one Saturday to find he'd put goal nets up so he and his son (who stays for the odd weekend) could play football. In my garden. I just asked him to move it as my gardener was due in the next day or two and he did but it feels petty asking him to move his dryer. I know it's stupid but this is really upsetting me and I know it shouldn't. I understand that. It's just a dryer but I do worry that if it carries on, the next thing will be him having BBQs out there with his mates! I was going to fit my rotary dryer on the patio but now I think he'd just use that too! As I've explained, I'm pretty black and white, fairness is important to me. Respect is important to me. Had he asked me, I would probably have said yes, whilst explaining that I was hoping to do more work and suggesting a suitable place to put it. But he didn't ask, he just took advantage. I've felt physically sick since yesterday and my anxiety is through the roof. I'm even thinking I should just move, which I know is overkill, but that's where my mind is at right now. I can't cope with the uncertainty, the unfairness, the cheek, and the possible upset if I say anything. I'm just not sure what's the best thing to do....

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 01/05/2025 13:10

I’m guessing your neighbour has NO CLUE about the garden arrangement (as you understand it) and thinks the whole space is communal. He will be mortified when you tell him!
BUT, check your facts first. Many an official has made incorrect statements about tenancies etc, so if you do not have, nor have seen, anything in writing about the plot splits, you need to verify you were informed correct before talking to your neighbour.

FWIW, I think you’re over-worried about how unreasonable you fear you are being. If you are right about the plot split, you are being incredibly reasonable about all this!! He’s in your space!!!

CiaoMeow · 01/05/2025 13:08

Yes, if you ca find the paperwork it will bolster your confidence and make your case stronger. These things can get lost in the mists of time when the different companies, or whatever, keep changing.

Good luck!

Blackdow · 01/05/2025 13:06

Just have a plan for if he starts with “I’m not doing any harm/just move it if it’s in your way/it’ll only be when it’s sunny.” Since you struggle with conversation, have that pre-prepared.
“No, it’s my patio and I want to use it so you can’t have your things there even if it is only once a week.”
”No, I have mobility issues and moving your things is a struggle so you need to just keep your thing in your own garden.”
“No, it’s my garden and I want to use it.”

AutiAngst · 01/05/2025 13:03

UpJacksArseAndRoundTheCorner · 30/04/2025 23:42

In what world is such polite language 'conflict'?

In an autistic world where even "politeness" can result in negative reactions. And negative = conflict in many an autistic mind.

See some of the replies on this thread for examples....

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 01/05/2025 12:58

Id be sitting outside when its nice with a cup of tea. Then when he arrives with his washing, ask him if he knows this is your private garden.

AutiAngst · 01/05/2025 12:57

Anon517 · 30/04/2025 21:57

@AutiAngst I really do feel you with this and this could be describing me with the confrontation and seeing things in right/wrong. I have a terrible thing of feeling things are unjust yet wouldn't want to say because I can’t cope with the confrontation.

Would you possibly feel brave enough to write a short note (if you struggle to be concise maybe someone on here could help) and then post it through his door? You could explain that you feel uncomfortable to say it face to face or something because I think some people would wonder why you didn’t just speak to them personally.

Thank you. Yes, it's hard being so black and white. I know the world isn't that simple and I try not to let it get to me but I just hate unfairness in any form, but I also hate confrontation so I'm stuck between a rock and hard place. You'd think I'd know by now but it seems to get harder as I get older, not easier.

I've decided I'm going to wait until I see him and have a quick word. I see him coming and going fairly regularly, so I shouldn't have to wait long. I was leaning towards the 'note through his door' idea but the thought of waiting for, and possibly never receiving, a response, was too much for my anxiety to cope with. I think I'd rather talk to him face to face, friendly and quick, and get it over and done with 🤦🏼‍♂️

OP posts:
looselegs · 01/05/2025 12:55

missmollygreen · 30/04/2025 19:53

Who knows... But please for the lobe of god.... use paragraphs

And please check your spelling before you post about anyone else's comprehension....

AutiAngst · 01/05/2025 12:45

LatteLady · 30/04/2025 21:53

You may need to do, what I resorted to, today... I hung out my washing... including my rather large over the shoulder boulder holders... it moved one of my neighbours out of the garden, who has taken to sunbathing in the garden!

This made me smile. Thank you 🙂

OP posts:
AutiAngst · 01/05/2025 12:43

pinkyredrose · 30/04/2025 21:29

Op do you get on with him in general? Ask him if he's aware that each flat has it's own private garden and to please only use his own.

I see him in passing, and we share a friendly "hi". I've never had a full on conversation with him (I rarely have a full on conversation with anyone that I don't know well. Small talk isn't my friend).

But as you and others have suggested, I'm going to have a word with him when I see him next.

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I appreciate it!

OP posts:
AutiAngst · 01/05/2025 12:39

Growlybear83 · 30/04/2025 21:38

I can’t believe you’re listing about this on Mumsnet instead of speaking to your neighbour! He may well not have any idea that this section of the garden is yours and he has his own area.

You didn't bother to read the context then. Or you're ignorant of the struggles that many autistic people go through on a daily basis.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 01/05/2025 12:37

CaptainFuture · 01/05/2025 12:16

Now @Hoppinggreen don't be rational...this is mn! The only option is of course police and maybe contacting the landlord to get him evicted.....🙄

Don't forget throwing his washing on the floor and jumping on it !

AutiAngst · 01/05/2025 12:36

AthWat · 01/05/2025 00:05

OP, you have answered a few posts but if you want anyone to say anything useful at all you have to answer the questions of ownership.

Are you all owners, all renters, or a mixture, and if so what?
What was the nature of the agreement to split the gardens? If it was only an informal agreement between previous tenants, and you are all tenants, it may not have any standing at all.

Apologies! I've only just returned to my post. Just started reading through the replies now.

All the occupants are tenants, no private owners, and it's housing association property.

I don't think there is specific mention of the garden in the tenancy agreement but I shall check. I just need to find the agreement (my 'office' area is in boxes at the moment as the room is being prepared for redecoration, so finding papers, letter agreements etc, is a tad difficult).

It must be on file somewhere at the HA though, because they know not to send their own gardeners. I was told by the agent, when I viewed the property, that the gardens had been split up, and which one was mine to maintain, so I assumed the other tenants would have been told the same, but maybe not. Since I moved in, the association has merged several times with other nearby associations. Ever since the first merger, and change of management, they've been a bit of a pain, so it wouldn't surprise me if they hadn't said anything.

I'm going to take a deep breath and have a polite word with him next time I see him. I think a note (which was my first thought) might be a bit impersonal and could be seen as aggressive, especially as I have trouble with tone, etc. I think something reads well but others will say it's "off" in some way. So I'll wait until I see him and see what he says.

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I appreciate it!

OP posts:
HeChokedOnAChorizo · 01/05/2025 12:27

You need to speak to him.

Please stop putting your things in my garden, thats your garden over these, this is mine, its not communal it private

But as im fiesty i would add - if i see anymore of your shit in my garden im going to launch it over the fucking fence.

He is being very rude and my bloody is boiling for you.

CaptainFuture · 01/05/2025 12:16

Now @Hoppinggreen don't be rational...this is mn! The only option is of course police and maybe contacting the landlord to get him evicted.....🙄

Hoppinggreen · 01/05/2025 12:13

Malagase · 01/05/2025 11:40

OP, drop a not through his letter box telling him that this is your garden, not his and please refrain from using it.

If he ignores you, contact your local police station and ask to speak to the community police person and adk for advice.

This is your property and he is a bully if he ignores your request.

After checking the facts surely?
I and others keep asking - is the garden communal or was it divided legally and is now on the deeds?
I am not saying the neighbour isn't being a Dick but before there is talk of Police and notes etc surely OP would be beetter armed with the facts?

Nanny0gg · 01/05/2025 12:08

Crackanut · 01/05/2025 10:10

Would you plonk your wet washing directly outside a neighbour's window? How could he not know? OP has already stated that he knows.

AND he's doing it before she's up!

Creep

Malagase · 01/05/2025 11:40

OP, drop a not through his letter box telling him that this is your garden, not his and please refrain from using it.

If he ignores you, contact your local police station and ask to speak to the community police person and adk for advice.

This is your property and he is a bully if he ignores your request.

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 01/05/2025 11:35

Communal or not, you'd have to be extremely unaware to just sit back and let somebody do the hard bit before muscling in and taking whatever you wanted.

Suppose there was a great big communal field of potatoes, and everybody knew that they were completely free to help themselves to as many as they wanted... this would be the equivalent of letting somebody else dig them up, wash them, scrub them, peel them, chop them, boil them, season them and put them in their oven - and then coming along an hour later to take the pan of roasties from their kitchen worksurface; and then, if challenged, spluttering "Oh, but I was told that the potatoes were communal!"

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 01/05/2025 11:28

Say that you are really sorry to bother him and tell him that this is very difficult for you to ask because you really want to maintain a good relationship with all the neighbours. Just be honest.

Why deliberately make yourself such a doormat? Even if he wasn't absolutely about the situation, it was obviously ambiguous enough that you'd expect most people to instinctively ask.

HE could actually have knocked on OP's door and said that he's really sorry to bother her, but he'd noticed her clearing/using the area and it was difficult for him to ask because he wanted to maintain a good relationship, and ask if it was communal, before just assuming and going ahead and taking it over himself... but he didn't see the need to do that at all, did he?

BMW6 · 01/05/2025 11:01

I'd have pushed the dryer over the second time and kicked his washing onto his plot.

PrettyPuss · 01/05/2025 10:42

This doesn't have to involve conflict. Just knock on his door and let him know that the patio is your property. He may not realise. Say that you are really sorry to bother him and tell him that this is very difficult for you to ask because you really want to maintain a good relationship with all the neighbours. Just be honest.

I have lived in a similar set up and had to ask a neighbour not to put her washing line in my garden (she had no idea until then that the garden belonged to my flat)

Ylylyll · 01/05/2025 10:34

AFrankExchangeofViews · 30/04/2025 19:53

Does he realise he is trespassing? He needs to be informed he is, that this is your private property and if he continues to trespass and create a nuisance on your property you will call the police and ask for their assistance.

999 washing line 😁

OP unless you have previous reason not to, give him the benefit of the doubt. Don’t put down to malice what can be attributed to incompetence (or simply not knowing).

Just let him know it’s not a communal space and show him the paperwork what’s his and his reaction will dictate next steps.

Hoppinggreen · 01/05/2025 10:27

Nanny0gg · 01/05/2025 09:56

Even if he does, putting his washing right in front of her window is a passive aggressive act and he's an arse.

I agree, I am not saying he isn't being an arse
I am saying that Op needs to make sure she knows whether the garden arrangement is legal or just an informal agreement

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 01/05/2025 10:26

Who actually owns the land? Do you own the property and is the 'private' garden on the land registry. An agreement between previous tenants/owners is completely meaningless if the garden is still legally communal.

Agreements only work if all current parties agree

Blackdow · 01/05/2025 10:25

nightmarepickle2025 · 01/05/2025 09:55

How does he have access to your bit? think we need a diagram

By stepping over the fence. It sounds like it’s those little rolls of picket fences about a foot high that you can buy in the supermarket rather than actual fences.

Swipe left for the next trending thread