Young adults, rent, chores

Telling them you will raise the rent to cover employing a cleaner if they don’t help out more around the house.

I do understand why you are anxious about your son’s happiness given the background though & why you are probably happy he has a gf.

The GF's social anxiety is not your problem. She can sort it on her own, and on her own dime. I see so many parents emotionally blackmailed into allowing partners to stay, and they can never get them out! You can put up with stuff in your children that you can't in others ( not that you should).

Because he's her son - I totally understand why she hasn't kicked them out to potentially live on the streets (or that's probably what she's thinking). However, as I've said they're both adults & it's time that they stood on their own 4 feet. I'm sure that they have friends who they can sponge off until they run out of friends.

You're not helping them by enabling their uselessness. Introduce them to the concept of "adulting". Tell them it's what people do when they are no longer children. Then give them notice to move out.

Tell them their options are:

Get a house share
Move in with the girlfriend's family and see how long they put up with this shit
Present as homeless to the council

Alternatively they can pay you the going rate for living in a fucking hotel as that's how they've been treating your house.

They are currently "playing house" in your home, as though they're an adult couple who actually take responsibility for their own lives.

CFs the pair of them.

Rent needs to go up....I paid £200 20 years ago...at least £300 each. They need to rent own flat

If they have wifi removed they cannot then seek work!

I do think growing up takes years these days. Not sure if it is keeping them back still living at home but most have no choice. It seems to render them incompetent.

Ds is 20 and has a very good work ethic but still gets in a muddle over the most basic of domestic duties. Changing the bedding for example.

I think at the very least a cleaning rota needs to be established and the girlfriend needs to move out. Just tell her you cannot afford to subsidise 2 adults and 1 is enough.

Get them to do the jobs in local chip shop/pub that nobody else wants. They can walk in with their CV and proact. Going in person could really help them plus sign up with several agencies online.

They are being massively disrespectful. I had to move back in with my parents & boyfriend when we returned from abroad and were saving for visas, wedding and house all at once.
We paid similar small rent but we also bought and cooked food for the family, regularly cleaned up, did the dishwasher, helped with things that were needed around the house like watering plants, putting towel loads in the laundry. We both also worked full time jobs and saved like mad, didn't go out to eat or anything like that, so that we could move out as soon as possible.

"Because they say they can't find full time work."

Then they find multiple part time jobs.

Her social anxiety is her problem to deal with. You have a 14 year old watching this shit show and learning from it.

Why are there no consequences?

This!!! I know someone exactly the same. Never stays in a job for a number of completely ridiculous reasons but lives completely FOC at their parents house.

I imagine if they were kicked out and made to stand on their own two feet, they wouldn't be quite so quick to walk out of a job....

Why are you frightened of telling them to sling their hook?

If you're not frightened, just do it.

If you're not frightened and you won't tell them to sling their hook, then what are you getting out of it that makes you pull back?

It must be something.

K, ( gf) has social anxiety and has left several jobs in the almost 2 years that she's been here. She's had full time jobs in lidl, tesco, aldis, but something will make her cry and she'll just never go back. She works at the same place ds works at, different hours. I try to be sympathetic of her panic attacks, but I can't fix that for her.

No, it's not your job to fix her social anxiety for her. You may suggest that she has counselling & point her in the right direction of local services. However, I wonder if she's a bit of a drama queen & has learned that if she cries people back off?

The girlfriend isn't your problem, lock your stuff away since they choose to not respect it, they don't get to use it. Pans etc.
Change the WiFi password. They can access it once they've behaved as functional adults for 2 weeks consistently, without needing any reminders on how to function.
They don't pay enough to be provided with food, so they'll have to sort this themselves. They have plenty of free time, so there's no issue for them to do this.

I'd be giving them 30 days notice to vacate.

I wouldn't have allowed the gf to move in to begin with. If they want to live together, they get their own place. It's ridiculous that you're subsidizing and cleaning up after these two lazy, disrespectful assholes. They leave your place trashed, I'd be furious and they would be cleaning up their mess right then.

I've had adult kids living at home. They did much of the housework, and ran errands and were a big help. I have one still here who is working and going to school and she does her share. They were raised to pull their weight.

But so what? Thats her problem. My DS is dating a Chinese international student with no family here, but no way will I allow her to move in and he knows better than to ask. She can look on Spare Room like all the other students.

Why do they only work part time?

I have a similar issue loooming so watching with interest. I’m hopeful my 21 year old will move out soon but my 18 and his GF are now making noises about full time work, uni or other plans so if they think they can doss about I’m armed with the contents of this thread.

The GF moving in without a job and transport is not something I’m welcoming, so rent and deadlines are great.

This would drive me crazy. But I KNOW I was useless when I was late teens/ early twenties. I didn’t know it at the time, but looking back, I wince a bit. I don’t think I understood stuff like electricity bills / bad for the climate (when it comes to the dryer) and I am sure I was bad at taking out bins and cleaning bathrooms. My parents taught me absolutely nothing. I didn’t even carry my dirty plate from the table to the dishwasher. Apparently, happier adults were given chores as a kid. My mother was an obsessive cleaner and tidier and probably figured I’d just do it wrong so she did everything.

When I moved into my own place, I figured cleaning and tidying out and became a neat freak. I do worry that I do too much for my own children and that they need to learn.

I think you need to say to them, if you can’t keep this clean / respected, you have to go.

Tell them you've had it with them taking the piss and they have 1 month to get out. No ifs, no buts.

They're both adults so it's time to start behaving as adults. They need to stand on their own feet and clear up their own mess.

Make a spreadsheet of all household costs - utilities, broadband, TV licence, Netflix etc, council tax, cleaning products, loo roll, food (if you feed them), garden maintenance. The LOT

Divide the total by 3

Bill each other adult for 1/3 each

I wager everything I own it will be more than £150.

Give them options. Either they stick religiously to your house rules or they move out and become responsible for all those costs.

They will if you tell them it's time to move out. Set a reasonable timescale - say 2 months, and if they haven't gone by then you will be putting their things in the garden and changing the locks. And in the meantime, the rent is too low.